how do you guys put up with this???
I know many of you are married or have been in a very long and committed relationship..and I know that no relationship is perfect..but how do you put up with the roller coaster of emotions with step kids?? my sd6 i dont like to call her that because i have been mommy for 2 years now while bm was out of the picture..and her she comes waltzing right back into the picture playing mommy..and i HATE IT...i get no validation for the work that i do..my boyfriend tries to comfort me and tell me that i do more than she ever will and stuff like that..but iam seeking validation from the child and i know that is completely unfair..shes a child she doesnt understand and she wont but how long will it take??? is it going to get any easier?? now bm wants her joint custody back.. and me and bf were discussing how bm will probably be the parent that lets our child stay up all hours of the night and has no set schdule when shes there, but she has rules and regulations here..and shes a great kid..but why do the courts allow a screw up to have her child back>????? shes been in an out of jail way to many times... has multiple felonys multiple children by multiple fathers, shes 23 on welfare.. and she gets her kid back?? disgusts me..were not perfect but for our age we provide the best that we can for the child..we have bills our own apartment, she has great grades a bed time, a bed time routine, friends, her teachers love her. i dont even want to imagine the kinds of behavioral problems we will have with the child when she is getting bounced back and forth like a bouncy ball..but seriously why would the courts allow her to have any time with her child..with the other child she cant even see that one unsupervised for the next 2 years...but in our case its acceptable..disgusts me..if we do get married which we may someday when iam done with school..and bm messes up again..can i take her rights away and be legally her mother??? i think i should be..just because i didnt create and pop her out doesnt mean i dont provide for her like a mother should.. i just dont get how you all put up with this....its exhausting...
Our situation is similar-I
Our situation is similar-I am "mom" to three children born to another woman. Their mother has had no contact with them for almost 4 years, but she has the right to 2 hours of supervised parenting time with them per week, which she does not exercise. In the state of Indiana, the biological parent has to be extremely messed up to lose their parental rights-believe me, it is an option we have explored. It's very hard emotionally to deal with an inconsistent, undeserving parent, but it happens. It's hard to be a mom, but not have any rights to your step children because they're not yours physically. You're expected to love and behave like a mother, but receive no recognition from the state or family. I would encourage your boyfriend to contest joint custody. Lots of documentation will be necessary-in our case, we had years of documentation of her erratic behavior, years of police reports, and a great lawyer-she still has rights to her children despite drug & alcohol abuse, violence, thefts, and arrests. Good luck-it's a lot of hard work, but the safety and love of your children are worth it.
As to validation from your SD, it will come! I am the product of a blended family, and I am closer to my step mom than I am to my real mom. It takes time, but it will come. Continue to behave in a loving and consistent way and your daughter will (and already does!) recognize and appreciate the difference.
iam so glad to have met you
iam so glad to have met you via step talk...its so nice to meet someone that is a "product" of this environment...i too grew up in a different environment..my own BM couldnt take care of me so the neighbors raised me until i was 5 then my dad took me back..and iam way more attached to my adopted mother than my own BM i cant stand her.. but no one gets that it is possible except people who have been in that situation..so iam even more irritated right now because we just took family portraits and explained to my SD that the picture people might call me mommy and would that be ok and she said well lets just tell them your my friend.. pisses me off..before previously before BM came back she use to cry at night wanting me to be her mommy..now we finally got it out of her...that BM told her that if she called me mommy it would hurt her mommys feelings and she wouldn't be her mommy anymore...i HATE HER SO MUCH...why cant she see how well i provide for her child and just let it go..who cares what she calls me that just means she loves me right???
she can see how well you
she can see how well you provide for her child, but she will not let it go. it's amazing how jealous and spiteful women are when it comes to their children; my BM would rather we suffer than give my BD the satisfaction of knowing he was providing for his children. it's sick and twisted the way some moms behave. my skids BM cannot provide a safe, stable, loving environment for her kids, and instead of appreciating that someone loved them enough to do that, she wanted to cause problems. i wouldn't allow my skids to call me mom before i married my DH, but the day we married, i was their mom. BM is jealous and insecure because you're giving her daughter something she refuses-selfless love!
You need to seek your
You need to seek your validation elsewhere. You're right that the child is too young to get it and to make able to provide you with the validation you need. No matter how rotten of a mother BM is, she will always be the BM and SD will always love her. You should get some counseling to come up with ways to work through what you are feeling so that you can be the best step parent possible. Sounds to me that you are already a great influence in her life. She's lucky to have you.
thank you andreakf for
thank you andreakf for listening to my vent and providing great advice
i just get a little overwhelmed sometimes and this site is great for allowing me to explode so i dont explode on the child...ugh i just need her to mess up super bad so she can lose her rights and leave us alone..weve tried to prepare the child for the possiblity of her having to spend the night there and last night she told us that she wouldnt like it because she would miss us...how do we get this in writing for the courts to see??? the child just expressed that she doesnt want to spend the night but if its a court order then we have to go through with it...ugh...family courts disgust me..and we cant afford a lawyer neither can she, so weve got to do it all on our own but some times i feel like the courts look at us and our age and believe we cant provide for the child..
i am 21 years old; my
i am 21 years old; my husband is 32; my skids are 12, 10, 9, & 5. We just went through a trial with skids BM (in short-we took out a protective order against BM because she attacked my DH and tried to attack me when we picked up the kids at the end of her PT. she used the PO as an excuse not to contact her kids for 3 years. she came to our home one time, 1 year after the order expired, on a wed. night in the middle of july to demand visitation with her kids. my husband said he was willing to work PT arrangements out. she ended up cussing him out and threatening violence, so he called the police and she left. about 6 months later, we got a summons in the mail saying he was being sued for contempt of court because he would not let BM see the skids. the trial lasted for about an hour, and the result was this; DH was not in contempt. BM has to undergo drug and alcohol rehab., domestic violence counseling, and counseling for mental health. she is allowed 2 hrs. per week visitation with a supervised 3rd party. she has not seen them one time since the court ordered these things, and did not attend a session with the agency in charge of our case. it would be a joke to assume she calls, either.)
anyway, i am extremely young in years, but not in wisdom. i have surrounded myself with loving, godly people, and i actively exercise my Christian faith. the courts could have laughed at my face because i'm just a "kid", but our home environment is obvious in our children, who are thriving and doing extremely well. your SD's growth, progress, and general disposition will speak more about your parenting abilities than your age-i am living proof of this!!
there are people and agencies who are willing to help people in this very situation! seek them out!
oh my gosh i love you so
oh my gosh i love you so much your my savior
i took your advice and googled agencys that help with custody..and i came across this website for this lawyer who states on his website all laws that ca. courts must take into consideration when considering sole custody...the information is excellent..but it disgusts me..you and I both need to talk to our spouses about sole custody..my SDs mother according to the laws of the court should not have time with her child unsupervised..the laws state that they will take into consideration: ALCOHOL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE...my SDs BM has both and it says that if it is a habitutal activity they should take that into consideration...my SDs BM has left every year and come back every 3 years because of alcohol problems! why does she get her kids back all of a sudden???
yikes i feel super bad for
yikes i feel super bad for you! but it seems like to courts will never give us anything or any rights..its all about the BM..so disgusting!