Help!! My step daughter is so spoiled I don't know what to do!!!
I recently moved from America to Australia to be with my fiancé and his daughter. Her and I have a very good relationship most of the time, she's desperate for a bond with a mother like figure because her relationship with her birth mom is not good. Her mom ignores her, neglects her emotionally, and nags at her non stop (in my step daughters words "she's always negative")... so anyways I'm happy to spend quality time with her while she's here and we have lots of fun, but once a day at least she bursts into outrage fits, says terrible things and speaks inappropriate to her father and I. She is overly spoiled, literally this kid has the dream life, but never appreciates anything and always ends up complaining and whining that it's not good enough. We go out of our way to make her happy.. just spent $2000 giving her room a makeover, she helped pick everything, and last night had a fit that the room is stupid and refused to sleep in it. She calls her dad an idiot, tells us we are stupid and to "go to hell"... she's 11 years old. My 14 year old son lives with us and even he can't understand why she is so ungrateful. He's not had a flash life like she's had and doesn't see why she is always making days miserable with her carrying on. Aside from the mouthy spoiled side of her, she is very smart and uses that to play her dad and other relatives, it doesn't work with me. Nope, not happening girl!!! So, the next major issue is her diet. She's very overweight and refuses to do sport, and eats more than my 14 year old son. Not only does she eat non stop, she's declared herself a "chicken nugget-Arian" meaning the only meat she will eat is friend chicken nuggets. Aside from chicken nuggets the only other food that is acceptable (and by acceptable I mean she won't throw a full blown temper tantrum and refuse to eat) is easy mac, ramen noodles, McDonald's, or hungry jacks... oh wait she like bread, pasta, butter, and cheese also. So yeah try making a nutritious meal with those pardon my French, SHIT ingredients. Her mother is severely overweight, and my step daughter has her food addiction. Carbs, sugar, and grease.. she had vanilla yogurt and raspberries and said she loves them so today we went to buy them for her, and she EXPLODED that we got her crap food and she's refused to eat it saying she doesn't like it (even though she definitely does like them)... she demanded I make her a junk food snack and I kindly told her I can make the yogurt and raspberries or she can wait until dinner - to which I was told she doesn't want dinner at 6pm because she's used to snacking all evening and having fast food at 9pm. I'm no doctor, but THATS NOT GOOD!! I cant sit back and watch her become obese and prepare those terrible foods for her. It's causing issues with her father and I because "I shouldn't be starting wars"... sooooo WHAT DO I DO!!??? Help!!!
?? This is insane. I can see
?? This is insane. I can see you want to take this girl under your wing and include her in your family, but that's not what she wants. So stop pushing.
If you make dinner, make enough for her. If she doesn't eat it, her dad can handle her manners, her health, her food choices, her clean-up, whatever. That's all parenting stuff, and not your job.
It's nice that you guys gave her a room makeover, but so what if she doesn't like it now. What kind of parenting did your partner do when she didn't want to sleep in her room? Let her sleep elsewhere?
I'm suspecting you have a lazy-dad problem, not a step-kid problem.
"WHAT DO I DO!!???
"WHAT DO I DO!!??? Help!!!"
Accept the fact that the man you moved to the other side of the world for is a crappy father.
Perhaps mom's nagging is because she's trying to correct the same issues you're complaining about.
Perhaps mom's nagging is
Perhaps mom's nagging is because she's trying to correct the same issues you're complaining about.
I immediately thought the same thing.
Here's what I would do; sit
Here's what I would do; sit down with her Father and tell him you love him enough to turn this over to him. I would stop helping to spoil this girl. Never let this get between you and your partner. You step away with support.
SD11 is about to go into womanhood, thus you can give her hormones the benefit of the doubt; but you will help her much, much more by discontinuing the gifts, room make over, and teach her by example. Invite her to help do the cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash, whatever work you are doing. We always included our kids in the "work", not just the "fun". We never ask our kids to do anything that we were not willing to do ourselves. Teaching respect and responsibility are the best love you can give. Spending time with kids, no matter what you are doing is the best love. We never paid our kids $$$$ to do any household chores. We would treat them to a day out with family, made sure they had their "needs", not their "wants". We are not perfect parents, we made our share of mistakes, but for the most we did well. My DH also spoiled his (now grown) DD; but I am not part of their life and have stepped away.
You can walk away, when your SD11 starts her rants and leave her Father to handle it. Have something you need to do and just excuse yourself. If you ignore the tantrums and the moods and let Dad handle the situation, it will decrease the action towards you. If her Father wants to spoil her, there is nothing you can do; but let him handle the consequences.
Good Luck. One other thing, treat both your son and your SD equally, no matter what you are doing. This is not easy to do, but is a must.
What does dad do about all
What does dad do about all these issues? That's what i'm most curious about here. Sounds like he's doing a whole lot of nothing and in that case, this isn't going to get resolved. In situations like this, I imagine it's very rare for a change to occur. Dad clearly doesn't feel like being more strict or he would have by now.
Just continue to make the
Just continue to make the family a nutricious dinner at 6pm and totally ignore the rest of the drama. Let her father shop for the junk food. Don't even buy it.
My kids used to whine that I "never bought any good stuff" meaning of course a long list of junk food. My answer...save up, get on your bike, and go the shop and get it yourself.
As for the room makeover, tough titties honey, it's done, it's yours...the real problem is, OP, you are not taking the risk "not being liked". That dream is one of a naive new SM wanting to win the heart of a girl so she thinks of you as her mother. Ain't gonna happen. Do the responsible adult parent thing and just invoke tough love. If she refuses to sleep in her room, just laugh and shut your bedroom door and ignore her. And 14 year old son should do the same. Whiners need an audience, so don't give her one.
Sometimes even a DH needs to have an example of tough love demonstrated before he tries it himself. He is probably so afraid of snowflake cutting him off. She needs to get the message that at dad's house, it's dad's rules.