You are here

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

jstee58's picture

Okay, so I'm a 20yr old male. And I'm about to become a step father, it's a long story so I'll try to make it a short as possible.

My girlfriend and I got together when she was 18 weeks pregnant. She left her ex because he was a total jerk to her. She told him that she was pregnant when she first found out and he pushed her away and was real nasty to her. So we met and I was okay with taking the father responsibilities Ect. She told me that he didn't want anything to do with the baby and that he didn't believe it was his. He left her alone then all of a sudden he says he wants something to do with it. But he changes his mind a lot, I know that it's not going to my son but I'd do anything for my girlfriend and step son. She's at 25 weeks at the moment and hasn't heard anything from her ex until yesterday. How do I deal with his indesisivness and wanting to be apart of this child's life? I care deeply about my girlfriend, I just don't understand why he won't man up and make the effort towards her. It frustrates me to know he randomly wants something to do with his son. It makes it difficult for us cause my girlfriend wants nothing to do with the ex and she doesn't want her son to have anything to do with the father due to him being indesisivne. Can I please get some help on how to deal with this as it's frustrating me. What can I do to help? Or do I stay out of what my girlfriend and her ex discuss as it's not my child?

Blondylady's picture

You're probably not going to like what I say. It is very possible that your gf is scared and vulnerable. As a result she clung to the exit guy who came around promising to look after her. This is very tempting in a situation such as hers where bio dad is not accepting the baby and your gf has a fear of the unknown and financial worries. Relationships like this very rarely last. You are only 20. I almost ten years older and can honestly say that I struggle and feel I've lost some years of my youth. However when I was in my early 20s I went traveling and I'm so grateful I had those amazing years or I may really resent dh. I agree with the STalker on your other post who said do not become financially responsible for this hold. He has a father who should do that regardless of how involved this man chooses to be. Your gf may then decide she does not need you as much as she does now. However if you become legally responsible for this child who isn't yours it will severely affect your life, future relationships and you need to also think of the financial implications for having your own children in the future. I feel you have rushed into this - you are only with gf and already calling baby ss which tells me you are quite possibly very immature for your age. Good luck but think very carefully about proceeding with this relationship.

Rags's picture

You are in for a very long road if you continue in this situation. Whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, allow yourself to be put on the birth certificate as the father.

The Bio Dad needs to be on the birth certificate and upon delivery your GF needs to file immediately for custody and CS.

Young man, I respect what you are wanting to do to support this young woman and her child. I married my wife a week before my SS turned 2yo. She was 18 and a single teen mom. I was 30. Yes, we have an age difference (12 years) but I was a degreed professional and was very able to support a wife and child.

You are a young man and have a lot to do and accomplish before taking on someone else’s family. Which I do not recommend by the way. Give yourself some time, go to school, get some training and start a career. Enjoy yourself and when you find the right young lady, start your own family without the lifelong drama of raising someone else’s child who will always be in your life and distracting your partner's attentions away from your relationship.

You are in this for 7 weeks. Think of the drama you have lived for the past 7 weeks. Now consider that for a lifetime of increasing intensity, manipulation and lack of control over your own life.

Enjoy your life and take care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Patsy's picture

Agreed! DO NOT PUT YOUR NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! This man helped make this baby. This is their child. I assume he is young and will go through many emotions about the pending birth. Someone will sway him to man up and take care of this child. It is not only the father you are going to have to worry about being part of this babies life. HIS family will be a part of it as well. Your GF is going through a major hormone roller coaster at the moment, but she will need a better reason than the BF is not being decisive to have his parental rights taken away. He was good enough for her to make a baby with a few months ago....why the change?

Amber Miller's picture

Rags is 100% right. Please take the time to think about what he is saying. I am 20 years older than you and my oldest son is 16. If you were my son I would advise you to not become a part of this equation. Please, if nothing else, DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. This would be a HUGE MISTAKE. I know you care for your gf but honestly, you can care for her and be with her without obligating yourself to her or her baby; this way if things don't work out you can get out easily. The drama will increase after the baby is born. The baby's father needs to pay child support for 18 years, not you. If you guys stay together, you can of course be nice to the baby and gf and that's as far as you need to go. You need to save $$$ for your future. You do not need to be buying formula, diapers , clothes or paying for child care. Honestly I want to tell you to run (don't walk) but run as fast as you can to get as far away as you can. You will meet another nice girl that you will love and when the time is right then you will have your own family. Having a baby is not cute or fun. It doesn't make a relationship stronger. Of course we all love our children but at 20 years old, you do not need to be up all night with a screaming baby;that's your girlfriends job as she chose to have a child young. I know you probably don't want to hear all of this but as a mom, I cannot encourage you to stay in this situation. I hope you make the right decision. At 20 years old you should only be worried about taking care of yourself. You sound like an honorable young man and you will make a wonderful husband and father someday but not with this girl and not with this baby. Good luck to you.

PolyMom's picture

It is very sweet that you want to be there for her and her baby....but this is not your problem. You can be a good friend and even boyfriend to her, but I would definitely draw the line there. The best thing she can do is go to family services, and get child support from the dad. There's probably a paternity test involved, but whether he wants a relationship with his baby or not, he's going to have to help pay for it, starting with prenatal services and care she requires right now. And the sooner she gets it done, the easier it will be on everyone, because as soon as she goes for it, he'll owe her back child support from whatever he wasn't paying. Indecisive or not, the state will force him to man up and pay for it...

Just be warned, that will probably inspire him to want a relationship with the baby if he's going back and forth on it. If he's just as young as you, he's probably terrified, and that's why he's wishy washy. That's not what your girlfriend needs right now, but if he does man up, there's a chance they'll get back together as well. Just be prepared. She's going to have to decide who she wants for a husband, not who will be the best dad. If they only broke up 7 weeks ago, and she's very pregnant by him, she's nursing some serious wounds, and on major rebound right now.

Child support and visitation are not the same thing. He will have visitation rights, it's up to him whether he takes them. If things work out between you and your girlfriend (in a few years), and you want to get married, and there is no father on the birth certificate, you will be a shoe-in to adopt. If the bio father does choose to be a part of the baby's life, that's his decision, and you'll get a good taste of what it is we all go through, and trust me...it's not fun most of the time. You are 20 years old, I would not make any major life decisions for yourself until the dust settles on this. Make sure this girl you've known for 7 weeks is the one. Be there for her, sure. I know what it's like to have the father of your child completely uninvolved even in the hospital, so if he's not there for her when she has the baby, you'd be filling an honorable role for her by just being there, for which she will forever be thankful, even if you end up breaking it off. You don't have to take on father role this early in life when it's not yours. Ultimately though, do not stand in the bio-dad's way from being the dad.

overworkedmom's picture

You guys haven't even been together for 2 months yet, hun. If you are already this stressed so early into the relationship with all the endorphin's and lust are in high swing imagine in 5 years when all that has slowed and you are still living in hell. I don't want to minimize your age or dismiss your feelings at all, I got married the first time at 19... and divorced at 28. Just know that young relationships, especially ones that don't start out in the best place aren't ideal. This is something that is not your responsibility. You don't have to give up your life for another man's child or have a never ending 3-way relationship (because that is what all of us have with our spouses ex when there are kids involved). Go have your own kids and your own life.

ctnmom's picture

Be her friend, be there for her, I know you care about her and you sound like a wonderful young man. But you are WAY TOO YOUNG to be stepping on this wasps nest. Has she considered adoption? Her life is just beginning, as well. Babies are always a blessing, but maybe this baby is another couple's blessing. My personal experience is that I got married at 19 to my husband who was the acting father to his nephew, who was 6. Would I do it again? No. And I don't even have to deal with my husband having a terrible ex. Good luck to you, you're heart is in the right place but this is way too much for you to take ion at your age, dear.

sbm014's picture

^This^

I become a stepmother at the age of 17 - I was young naïve and stupid. I thought I was doing the right thing because he seemed like a good guy but I now look back at the things I wish I would have done. The free time, the less stressful life style. Trust me I do not resent my ex as it was my choice and we split on semi-decent terms but it was hell...and you are at even more of a risk of getting hurt then I was. DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Be a support but do not be a doormat - do you know how many times I still say my DH can be a jerk? But do I leave him? NO! The Bio-Father may very well be a shitty person but he is going through just as many emotions about this as she is as I am sure it is unplanned but remember there is always two sides to the story. Just because you are 'saving' her doesn't mean you are getting the true complete story.

I know I became a stepmom again with my current DH but it is a completely different situation and at times I question why I decided to do it again but I love him and I love my SS from a distance - he is not my child not my financial burden I am simply a asset to his life.

Be a asset to her not a doormat.