You are here

Does disengaging make the ex intrude less or more?

4ever's picture

I'm thinking that if I step back from parenting my stepdaughter it will make her mom intrude LESS. She's very insecure and I've finally made peace with the fact that my husband won't set boundaries so when she thinks I'm overstepping into her role as mom she gets crazy and intrudes into our household. I've tried everything for years and now I'm disengaging. It sounds like alot of you have tried it.

Does it make the mom intrude less or more? Do things get quieter with her or worse?

No saint's picture

I believe it gets worse as they realize the amount of "no" they get decreases. Like "can you keep SS longer; cand you drive him here/there on my time?"
As we disengage our partners tend to engage even more, which I believe often leads to BMs pushing their boundaries further and further.

4ever's picture

"As we disengage our partners tend to engage even more, which I believe often leads to BMs pushing their boundaries further and further." Oh wow I hadn't thought of that I can see how that would happen. I guess we just keep doing what we're doing, staying disengaged? My hsuabnd's ex lives for pushing boundaries as far as I can tell. I guess I'm hoping that since my husband knows not to bring those things to me anymore and to handle his ex and his daughter on his own (our counselor told him to) maybe it won't impact me as much?

No saint's picture

Sometimes what you don't know doesn't "hurt" you; sometimes it does. If you trust your SO and have no issues with him contacting BM and making plans behind your back, that's great and it will make things easier on you! I was never ok with that, as it involved my home and my time as well. The more I kept my mouth shut, the less fights I'd get into but, of course, the more time the skid would spend at our place, the more weekends and nights or special occasions BM would dump him there. And yes, that bothered me.

4ever's picture

Well we're literally just figuring this all out right now but our intention is that my husband will bring things to me if they will impact our finances or our schedule and I will have a say. He won't make major decisions behind my back, I totally understand why your not ok with htat. Fighting less must have been nice though! Did you find another solution that worked for you?

Things like paying for his daughter's airfare to see her mom's parents or taking her an extra weekend, those kinds of things my husband will run by me. But otherwise he'll handle his ex and his daughter on his own. Believe me there are 1001 things that don't involve money or scheduling that his ex comes to him for and that's the kind of thing that I don't want to know about anymore. She criticizes the lunches we pack, she demands we put her to bed early instead of letting her sleep in on the weekends, she checks in to make sure we're making her train for the race their running together, she calls to gossip about her daugther's friends (yes she actually stoops to that level and thinks my husband will gossip about 12 year old girls, that he won't do). The list goes on and on. Thats the kind of crap I won't know about anymore and i'm glad.

twoviewpoints's picture

Why does your DH entertain all this busybody intrusion of how he handles DD in his home? From lunch, to sleep schedule, to SD's physical exercise for BM that is not on DH's time.

Geez, why doesn't BM just move into with you all in your home. She could easier run it than from afar? No, that's not a shot at you and I know you're trying not to think/stress over the daily crap... it's your DH that is allowing this and well, seems to be encouraging it.

4ever's picture

I have asked myself that for years. He's never intruded in that way into her household, never not once in 7 years. My fear is that her daughter is learning that her mom can push him around. Hell for years, she probably thought her mom could push me around too. That pisses me off but at least im not playing that game anymore.

THing is my husband sometimes he ignores his ex, or sometimes he says 'yeah I'll think about it ' and then never replies and sometimes he says 'okay' like with helping his daughter train for this race because she committed to it. My irritation comes because he will not say this to his ex:

"Our daughter is safe, healthy and happy when she's with me. I will not respond to anything like this from you ever again. Essentials only, email only. Text or call me only in the case of an emergency (she is sick, injured, or in danger."

He simply will not do it, he said she wont listen and it'll only make things worse. So we went to a counselor to help us figure out how to get that kind of businesslike boundary in place and he surprised us both by saying my husband should keep on handling his ex however it works for him and keep me out of it. Now I'm starting to think its a plan of our counselor's to put the full burden on my husband so he finally has to deal with his ex on his own and realize how hard it is without my support. Or maybe he'll just continue and be glad I'm not harping on him about it anymore. either way I wont' have to hear about it!

No saint's picture

The solution for us was him asking me to move out, which I did, 2 months ago. They must be really happy together now.

Well, if you have agreed that major decisions will have to be talked over and "all" you have to pass by is gossip and a stupid BM, maybe disengaging is the right thing to do. You'll still know all that concerns you and won't be bothered with what's kind of superfluous. If it doesn't work for you, you can always discuss the matter with your husband and set new "rules". Smile

4ever's picture

Oh my gosh I didn't know I'm sorry. I will back and read your posts. I hope this opens up many new doors for you, I know that's a cliche but I really do hope so. Thanks for all your advice I really appreciate it I do think it's going to be case by case for a long while until we find what works.

No saint's picture

As long as you are able to communicate as a couple, things will be fine. Smile
Best of luck!

ChiefGrownup's picture

So true, Sally. Reminds me of one of our first married weekends. I brought home massive amounts of Japanese food from a real restaurant not fast food to start off the weekend Friday night because sdthen13 was wild about Japanese food. But no matter what I did it was a typical dramafest where sd13 was the world's biggest victim of the world's meanest stepmom and dad. Part of the weekend I cooked food specifically designed to appeal to her tastes. But of course some of the biggest drama is at the dinner table and the insults fly fast and furious from Ninja Insult Girl.

BM, Dad, and SD have been in contact all weekend. It all ends up at BM's apt when I went with DH for dropoff Sunday. Parents begin their discussion of SD's behavior and issues over the weekend. Everything is brand new so I totally get that BM is worried about kid's adjustment and just who this CGU person really is.

So my DH starts the discussion by saying to BM, "When CGU arrived Friday night with all the Japanese food --" he was immediately cut off. BM whipped her head to SDthen13, "You didn't tell me THAT!"

SD slunk guiltily. Obviously she'd filled BM's head with stories of how mean I am and how I'd force fed her rancid prison rations all weekend. All in one little moment the skid was outed. BM knew how much sd loved her some Japanese food. Game set and match, kid.

Too bad BM hasn't kept up this level of awareness.

nunya1983's picture

If you are disengaging, it all depends on your husband, if he is doing his job and setting good clear boundaries, it will make the ex intrude less. But if he doesn't set any boundaries, and she sees that you are baking off, she will see it as an opportunity to barge in and take over.

nunya1983's picture

What you really need to do 4ever is find out what works for your family. These woman here can tell you what works for them, and that's great. Backing of and letting dh deal with it all by himself and finding it out all on his own worked for then. But for some people finding out how it will work for their family sometimes take both the husband and the wife.

In my opinion the husband needs to introduce clear concise boundaries to bm. I think that you and dh need to sit down and discuss boundaries that you want in place. Such as: you don't want bm to pave for in your home. You want all the phone call rules. etc, etc, and all this needs to be text to bm and you need to be present when the text is made. No more of the don't involve you in the bm business. That's just stupid. Yes, you need to stop talking about her, but that's just in general.

Maxwell09's picture

Depends on the personality of your DH"s ex. If she is taking over this much now, what will happen when she sees she has green flags all the way? But also consider if she is the competitive type. The BM I deal with is and in an effort for peace on my end, I simply do not compete. I never give her an opporunity to compete with me or even know what I am doing. 

 

Rags's picture

If they keep up their shit, keep barring their ass.  They up their intrusion game, you up the pain.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

KISS