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Need some help with tween stepdaughter who clings to Daddy

4ever's picture

I know this is normal at her age (she's 12) but I just wondered how you all handled the stage when girls start clinging onto their dads. She's starting calling him Daddy again which she hasn't done since she was 7. She holds his hand whenever were walking somewhere she touches him constantly, leans up against him, cuddles on the couch. Part of me thinks its sweet but it's getting a little weird especially since she's fully developed and has a womans body. It makes my husband uncomfortable. He tries to find subtle ways to shift his seat or grab his phone so he has to let go of her hand etc etc. He doesn't want to make her feel bad since he knows its a stage shes working through but he also wants to keep boundaries that are healthy etc. i just wondered how other people deal with it. A side note, it drives me aboslutely crazy but I'm trying to concentrate on her and her dad and not how much it bugs me.

4ever's picture

Ive just read that girls at this age are working through there sexuality etc and dads (or stepdads i guess) are often a safe way for them to work through it. Its a balancing act to help them without it being weird i guess. How does your stepdaughter's mom and stepdad deal with it i wonder?

4ever's picture

honestly it makes me shudder too. I guess what I'm getting at is that girls need to feel safe with their dad at this age and if he pushes her away or makes her feel bad it might mess her up. But my husband and I neither of us think it's cute anymore. That's why I need some advice on what he can do!

4ever's picture

She's clingy but not whiny or bratty. Just more affectionate then seems appropriate given that she's fully developed etc. If she were still 7 it would be cute. But not its not which is why my husband needs help in setting boundaries that dont' make her feel terrible.

4ever's picture

thats a good point and we've seen that with my husband's ex. she isn't as bad as some of the mom's i've read about here but she undermines my husband as a dad which is terrible because he's a good dad most of the time and definitely hasn't abandoned his daughter.

hereiam's picture

working through their sexuality etc and dads (or stepdads i guess) are often a safe way for them to work through it. Its a balancing act to help them without it being weird i guess.

Um, but it IS weird. The last person I wanted to "work through my sexuality" with was my dad.

Your DH needs to gently tell her that she is too old to be doing that stuff and that it's not appropriate, she is not 7 anymore.

I think some girls do that because they realize they are growing up but don't want to in some ways; they want to stay "Daddy's little girl". But there are other reason, too.

My SD did not really do this but there were a couple of times (when she was jealous of our younger niece) that she tried to revert back to a little girl. DH set her straight real quick.

4ever's picture

Maybe I didn't say it well. what I've read is that dad's who get uncomfortable with their daughters during puberty and stop being physically affectionate with them can do damage.

hereiam's picture

Oh, okay, I get what you were saying (I completely read that wrong!).

Dads should show affection in appropriate ways, hugs here and there, kiss on the head or cheek, that sort of thing and not completely pull back because daughter is going through puberty. Not go from affectionate one day to nothing the next.

But the leaning against him, cuddling on the couch, constant hand holding is a little too much.

notasm3's picture

I'm seen fathers in intact homes just out and out tell their daughters "that they were too old for that." The daughters were not scarred for life. Just giving some firm guidance about what one feels is age appropriate is not wrong and should not traumatize the child if done correctly.

Why not teach a young girl that one does not have to crawl all over someone to prove that you love them?

katielee's picture

This kind of behavior is "normal" at 2-4 years old. That is the time when they are supposed to cling to their daddies and compete with their mommies. By that they are SUPPOSED to learn that they can't compete with Mommy so they identify with her. This is important to normal development.

So one might assume that a twelve year old who still feels the need to cling to her daddy and compete with her mommy (or stepmommy) never did learn the lesson she was supposed to learn at age 3 or 4. At this point it's called Mini-Wife Syndrome and it's not normal or healthy.

At least your husband is uncomfortable with it and not encouraging it as many divorced dads do. He should gently make it clear to his daughter that the behavior is not appropriate and make certain to model appropriate affection with his wife. Your stepdaughter needs to learn she cannot manipulate your husband with her Daddyyy baby talk nor can she interfere with his relationship with his wife by taking her place.

ChiefGrownup's picture

To "balance" out whatever is causing her to do this behavior dad can emphasize to her the pleasures of growing up. I would guess she's a little afraid of growing up, of not being a little girl anymore, having a "weird" body now, etc. So she's trying to stuff herself back into her little girl persona.

Dad can disallow that behavior and should. At the same time he can point out how great it is to have more independence, a later bedtime, carry on a more interesting conversation, etc. Make a list of things she does now that she could not when she was 6 or 8. Every time she has to be told no on hanging on him or whatever, remind her how great it is to do --picksomethingoffthelist--. Help her look forward with confidence and eagerness instead of with fear and trying to go backward.

BTW, my sd at 12 never did any of those things. She only hung on him in stores or other public places where she was actively trying to make a nuisance of herself like to disrupt a cash transaction or at our wedding.

I saw a Megan Fox interview once where she was talking about developing the traits of a villain she was going to play in a movie. She said many little girls learn how to manipulate their dads by going into a very soft little voice. She used it to chilling affect in the film. When I saw the interview I found it curious because it was unfamiliar territory to me. Coming to StepTalk I find it's rampant.

4ever's picture

CG, thank you so much. This is brilliant advice and I'm going to put it to good use. Since my hsuband is already uncomfortable with it he'll welcome a nice constructive way to help his daughter with some healthy boundaries. I do think she'll grow out of it and I think. My stepdaughter is like yours, she doesn't do it at home much just out in public.

The story you share about Megan fox gives me the heebie jeebies. OMG so gross. Ive never seen it before either. My dad would have looked at me like I'd hit my head and all my brains fell out if i tried to use this crap on him. He demanded that we girls be strong!

As a side note I do have to wonder how I'd feel if she were my daughter and not my stepdaughter. i'm not a mom so I don't know but I'm thinking it wouldb't but me as much. Maybe she wouldn't do it as much either since she might not feel as competitive with her mom as she does with me.