DD18 and I were talking about discipline
We were comparing discipline styles between DH and I, and how DD18 &19 turned out compared to SD17
I USED to believe in spanking, and still believe that depending on the situation and age of the child one good pop on the bum may be called for, but not really into the physical discipline. Like if a child is hooting and hollering and throwing a tanrtum, and will not sit and listen, sometimes a quick one pop to the rear end, may "snap them out of it" so that they can listen.
I am more of a send the child to their room to cool off, then go and talk to them. explain WHY things are ok or not ok to do, how it effects EVERYTHING in the grand scheme of things, how it makes people feel when they get treated poorly. We all come out of the room happy, willing to apologize and understood fully what their actions caused. If there were repeated offenses, there was groundings, removal of certain priveledges, or removal of the object that landed them the discipline (ie if they were fighting over a toy, that toy would be taken away for a certain amount of time). DH hated this... he didn't understand that they were sorry for their actions since they were not crying. He thinks that because they weren't sniveling and snotting and crying, that they did not "learn their lesson"
DH would yell and shout at SD, and yell at her that she is so mean and her actions were wrong, and basically everything I told my DDs, but was loud and accusitory, and didn't really allow SD to contrubute to the "conversation". And SD would come out of the room crying and snotting and begrudgingly apologize... Which to me I think she never "learned her lesson". I feel as though THIS is a very ineffective way to parent as the child eventually shuts down and stops listening. The child starts thinking in a "woe is me, I am the victim here, because they are being so mean to me" kind of way. (wanting to add that BM parents this way as well, anything that happens, she yells and punishes, she adds a spanking as well)
Now looking at these two scenarios, and KNOWING my children and SD, SD is 100% someone who ALWAYS seeks to be the victim in every circumstance possible, DDs ALWAYS try to see BOTH sides of situations, and will tell the truth (even if it does land them in a grounding)
I think SD sees BM act a certain way, her lies, her manipulation, her way of life, and she learned that, but I think that the way she was disciplined solidified it, I think it just painted the final touches. I THINK that SD is a sociopathic narcissist, but I think SOME of it is attributed to the way her parents disciplined her. I think she could ABSOLUTELY decide not to lie, I think that she could absolutely decide to value people in her life, I think she sure as hell stop thinking that she is the ultimate package that anyone should feel priveledged to be acquainted with.... because I swear to god, I feel so sorry for ANYONE that ends up with her. NOT because of the way she looks, but because she is a HORRIFICALLY disgusting human being. She possessed ZERO positive attributes, she has ZERO talent, she cares NOTHING about anyone else, she's a liar, she's a manipulator, she's MEAN, she's distructive, she's a slob, she's ignorant AND stupid, she's a "one upper" (which typically she lies about everything she is one upping you on). She's really not physically attractive (which I know you really can't hold against anyone, they can't help how they look, but the fact that she ACTS as though she is a gift from God himself and she looks like THAT and she talks about other people's looks, is why I feel like it's ok) her scraggly broken hair that is ALWAYS a mess, ALWAYS greasy, the fact that she eats entire boxes of waffles, as well as a 12ct box of cake bites that were GIFTED to my daughter by her work, an entire box of toll house chocolate chip cookies, that were ALSO gifted to DD, and left over rice that she slathers in butter, ALL in one day along with breakfast lunch and dinner... and then acts like she has PCOS and that's why she can't loose weight. AND THEN turns around and says she's more beautiful than someone else, that her "love of her life" chose over her.
sorry for the long rant... ANYWAYS I hate SD... I am nice to her, but I have to rant to someone, and everyone in my life thinks I am evil if I say anything less than nice about SD.
I think sometimes you just
I think sometimes you just hate someone and no explaination is required. You don't have to justify why you hate your SD to us, we get it.
My SD is not unattractive but I feel like I will always see the ugly parts of her no matter how made up she gets because I've seen her treat me, DH and so many other people like crap and act like she's better than everyone.
I think she has gotten a reality check recently because she was desperate to make the cheer team and get a BF (she seemed to think that as a cheerleader they basically assign you a BF). Well neither thing played out and I think that's karma.
It's super petty of me but SD is cross eyed and it's obvious to me, and one of my friends even brought it up to me so it's not me imagining it. Neither DH, my in laws or BM ever saw it and now it's too late for corrective action. Maybe it was cute when she was a baby but it's not doing her any favors now that she's grown.
You're probably right, she's
You're probably right, she's such a horribly ugly person on the inside, so i notice all her ugly on the outside too, but i mean i have tried to look at her without any bias... i really just can not see it... and it's not even just a physical appearance, she has no talent, she is incredibly lazy, she's "managers"of these sports teams in school, but has never played a sport... she's not bright, even her mom says she wouldn't want her to change schools because she wouldn't have as good of a class rank (her school is one that constantly under preforms in all areas) she's in theater, but doesn't really contribute... like she's not a stage hand, she doesn't preform, she doesn't do the makeup, i really don't know what she does.
A House Divided
It is tough to parent in a divided home.
My situation is that I had 4 stepdaughters and 5 biological children. As a Stepdad I would stay in the background with my stepdaughters and try to play a more supportive role with my wife. However, with my other 5 children, I do take the lead. I expect my children to be responsible for their age and they each have chores.
My stepdaughters, with the exception of 1, were awful. While my wife did run a tight ship with them and we were in agreement on most things it is nearly impossible to raise a child right when you have a parent who provides an out to all of our rules and they have court-ordered parenting time.
My biological kids are not perfect and I am sure there will be struggles with them, but I can already see a significant difference between them as opposed to my stepdaughters when they were their age.
My discipline style with my
My discipline style with my BK's is like your discipline style. I teach, explain, give natural, appropriate consequences when needed.
DH's style is permissive and tippy toe around and cator to intimidating OSD and clingy YSD but then when they become so blatantly disrespectful that even he can't stand it anymore he blows up at them and yells. They burst into tears with a "What did I do?" and "Why are you always so mean to me." Victim BS - Cycle rinse and repeat.
I have tried to explain to him that they need to understand why their behavior is wrong and at age 26 and 24 they are old enough to know the truth about what happened between him and BM ... In an appropriate for your young adult child way of course, not to just bash her. It drives me nuts that he acts like they are made of delicate china. These girls are bulls and need to be treated as such.
No set model. Different kids need different guidance and
discipline.
I can count on less than two hands the number of times I was spanked as a kid and i count on less than one complete hand how many times SS was spanked.
Corporal punishment has a limited age range. Though an estimate, a swat to a diapered toddler rump with a firm 'NO!' when they try to stick something in a power outlet up to a few smacks to the butt when a belt/paddle from the late single digits to the early teens can be appropriate for kids requiring that level of stinging intervention.
Interestingly, SS does not recall a single spanking through he does know he was spanked. He does remember that lying was the primary infraction that got him a spanking once he was beyond the young child age range.
I recall my final spanking. I was about 13-14 and my brother and I both were spanked for getting home way late one evening. I laughed, My little brother and our mom looked at me like I had lost my mind then we all ended up breaking down in uncontrolled laughter and hugged it out. My brother was about 7 or 8.
It takes discerning judgement on how effective it is/will be and it has to be done in a very measured manner.
My parents were not yellers. Neither were my wife and I. Loooooonnnnnng torturouse lectures, 'THE LOOK', and the disappoined head shakek was far more effective than yelling. Spanking was not particularly effective either, in hind side.
But, many of the lippy, nasty, disrespectful little shit Skids that so many STalkers have to suffer would not be able to sit if they were in my home. Their butts would be on fire and they would avoid those butt cheeks coming into contact even with air as often as a belt would light them up for the nasty spawn crap they pull.
I agree with you on most
I agree with you on most things, but this is where I do disagree. I do agree that there is no set discipline that works on everyone, but spanking is not the answer. I think it is a "go to" for many, and it was done to us when we were little, and "we turned out fine", but did we really? We still "get so angry" that we want to hit... someone is disrespectful to us, so we want to disrespect them back... sure we still love our family even though they spanked us, but my daughters still loved their teachers, even though they made them go with out lunch because school work wasn't done. Rapunzel still loved mother Gothel, even though she kept her locked in a tower.
I think spanking your child causes trauma, and we see it as ok, because it we HAD to think it was ok when it was done to us. Because if it wasn't, that means, what our parents did to us, wasn't ok. It is a vicious chain that many parents are breaking these days. Once I stopped spanking my children, they listened better, stress in my house was less,
I don't judge people who DO spank their kids, because it was taught to them, but i do see that children who are spanked act out a lot more than children who are taught to regulate their thoughts, emotions, and actions in a healthy way.
And I am sorry, but hitting your child doesn't teach them, "to be nice, because being nice makes people happy, and we don't want to hurt people." It teaches them "don't hurt people or my dad will hurt me" and that is not a healthy or effective way to discipline.
My perspective on corporal punishment has
Shifted over the years. While I still do not consider it hitting and still do not consider it to be be abuse when applied discernibly and in a measured manner, neither do I consider it to be particularly effective.
Spanking is to the buttocks and only the buttocks. It is not done in anger. Though I fully recognize that the act of spanking is extremely difficult to take without anger being a component of the process.
Hitting is an act of abuse unless done in self defense. Punching, slapping, choking, etc..... is violence and not a disciplinary method. No child should experience those things from a parent ir any adult.
Never was I disciplined for a fight at school. I was never the aggressor/instigator so my parents always had my back if I had to defend myself against a bully at school or anywhere else. Neither was my son. He had one incident when he was about 6yo. There was a kid in his bus who would sit behind him with a group of older kids . They were about 9yo. This kid would choke my son. SS would come home with bruises on his neck. We called the school several times and had meeting with school officials to no avail. The last time SS came home with fresh bruises in his neck, after he described what had happened yet again I showed him how to end it for good. He sat behind me in our dining room chairs and out his hands to my throat. He was so upset because his mind did not work that way. I calmed him and we worked through it. I coached him to reach back, grab the kids ear, dig his fingernails in at the base of the rag gripping as hard as possible, then rip the kids ear off his head. The next day we were called to the school for a meeting. That AM the kid had once again choked my son. During that meeting the kid was at the Ear getting his ear re-attached after my kid had partially separated it from the kids skull. Guess what never happened again? The layers of bruises around my kid's throat were all CPS had to see for any repercussions in our direction to end. Excuse my going in a tangent.
So many SParents have to suffer so much kid induced crap sue to failed parenting because coward parents refuse to effectively discipline their I'll behaved spawn. Delivering an escalating state of abject misery can be necessary in effective discipline and a spanking may be an appropriate part of that.
I have no doubt that if we were to end up with a young one again, heaven forbid, I more likely than not would not spank. My SS taught me how to parent. Even with examples set by our own parents, each person has to learn parenting for themselves.
Kids with parents who are able to learn fare far better and have far better adult outcomes than kids who have idiot parents.
Though it is the kids themselves that promote how they are disciplined effectively. The parent has to find the correct consequence to modify the behavior that motivates discipline.
IMHO.