Becoming a stepmother
I am new to this but I need to vent and to find out what I can do to solve the problem. The problem is my fiance's ex wife! He has been divorced almost a year. The divorce took a year and a half to get finalized. We have been dating almost 2 1/2 years. We started dating after he had already filed for divorce... We live together with his child and have a very happy home.
He has joint custody... he pays no child support as his ex is an attorney same as he is. We pay for everything when she is with us and they split any extra curricular activities. He has the child every Wed, Thurs & Fri and the first and third weekends... this year we have the 5th weekend as well... they rotate every year for the fifth weekend.
Anyway, on his days it never ends, she harrasses for something.. either it is that we have too many days, doesn't like my parenting skills, doesn't like the child's clothes... it could be anything but she yells and screams in front of the child... usually directed to me but sometime the BF. Now this is only on our days. She will have outbursts in front of the child's soccer games, at our front door anywhere that I am stanging. I have been tempted to stop going to the soccer games because I do not want to be harrassed or have her cause a scence. She usually covers it up by lying and blaming me. The last time was that I refused to let the BM give the child a coke before the soccer game... she screamed YOUR NOT HER MOTHER and HOW DARE YOU!!! Of course, this was in front of the child... I hurried her over to where the other girls on her soccer team was and told her to go sit there. She tried to sit by me and HAVE A TALK but I told her that I didn't want to talk to her and move over to be with the BF... he told me to just stand here and then of course, she moves over to the other side of him and proceeds to call me every name in the book in front of the coach and the other girls on the soccer team. She also pours her coke down BF's pants and when I tell him that she is pouring her coke down his pants she hurries away... then comes back and tells him that she didn't do it.
What I want to know is if there is a way that I can get a restraining order of some type. I had told her that I was thinking of getting one and she says that I will not be able to get one because when they interview her that she will lie. She said that she will do whatever it takes to make sure that I will not be able to get one. She is an attorney so I believed her but she is not a divorce or a family court attorney so do not know if she knows what she is talking about.
I used to think that the stereotype of ex-wives was fabricated... they couldn't be like they say... but boy was I wrong. Now, don't get me wrong she adores her child. Probably too much, I think that she is either obsessed with the child or she is trying to drive a wedge between my boyfriend and myself. Maybe wanting to get back together again... when we told the child that we were planning on getting married and that I wanted her to be my Maid of Honor... she was very excited... wanted to know what she had to do and what she would wear... well, she ended up telling her mommy and her mommy started to cry and tells her if that happens there is no way mommy and daddy will ever get back together again and if that is what she wants. She still wants us to get married but worried for her mother all the time...
What can I do?
I would cut and run. The
I would cut and run. The child is suffering. Your boyfriend needs to finish raising this little girl. Stay away from the soccer games and away from this whole scene.
i would think
oops
i would think
1. The previous comment comes from an anon. vindictive bm lurking around this site IGNORE THESE HATEFUL THOUGHTS LIKE A SPEEDBUMP ON THE ROAD TO LIFE JUST RUN OVER IT
2. If your husband is an attorny he should know about the restraining order, but in the end it will only aggravate her more, and being an attorney herself you probably don't want that
Try to ignore her, sit on the other bench, don't go to the games when it is her day if she persists. The good news is that all these scenes she causes are seen by the public, and they are going to realize who is the crazy one here....the biomom not you! You will have to develop a pretty thick skin to survive the wrath of the biomom BUT in return, you get the love of your fiance, your stepdaughter, and the security of knowing that in your home, space and time with YOUR FAMILY IS HAPPY SO ENJOY IT.
Two things...
1. First of all, how do you know that the comment above is from a "bm lurking". I repeat as many times before, MOST biomoms do not care about their ex's lives...to think so is just not true. So you may be over thinking the bm's intentions.
2. How do you know that the bm made those comments to the daughter? Most children do have hopes that their parents get back together...studies support this....every child wants to have a traditional family with mom and dad and no add-ons. Step families are an adult creation that kids live with.
If you love this man and want a life with him, the ex will always be a part of your life....like it or not. Is this something that you can live with? You can't control, fix it or get rid of this fact...you just have to learn to adjust to it.
re: two things
mainly your first comment
I do not KNOW the comment was from a biomom lurking as I said in my comment "I would think" that it was a biomom lurking because I can't see any step here handing out that kind of crap to someone who is in a situation like this! I believe the original poster here said she has been with this man for 21/2years....that is not a new relationship, they are engaged, committed and living with the child half of the time. I don't think the sd would be excited about being a made of honor if she still had hopes of her parents being together.
It would be nice if the biomoms out there would "learn to adjust" (WITH A SANE ATTITUDE) too don't ya think?
Don't
put yourselves in situations where this bm will be. By all means you and your bf should stop going to the games. Do other things with sd where the bm will not be. Holidays, parties, ect. have your own celebrations. Kids love that because often they get 2 parties, so its done all the time. Having the child in your life doesn't mean bm is also a part of that. You could pick neutral places for the pick up and drop offs or do what we did, park in front of the house and call the child when you arrive. Again no contact with bm. We rarely talked to bm and she gave up after a period of time. My advice would be to send her a certified letter from your lawyer (what we did), notifying that we didn't wish to have any further contact with her. Also, state in there if there are any physical or verbal altercations (soda/pants thing) then you will be pursuing further legal action. This worked for us and scared the pants off bm, also she would call us from her job harassing us. I finally called her boss since she was on his time, and he put a stop to that. But I only did that after telling her many times if she didn't stop I would be forced to do that. So, for us that was the solution and worked quite well.
This just reinforces the "two
This just reinforces the "two separate lives" issue that most children of divorced parents struggle with. A child would be much better served by the parents acting like ADULTS. "Sorry Timmy, Mommy and Daddy hate each other so much that they can't even keep their issues to themselves for the hour it would take to sit through your soccer game. You're not important enough to us to get along for any period of time."
And the two birthday party idea is crap. If you can't throw a joint party, then alternate. Two parties creates a slew of issues with guest lists and many kids in divorced families develop a wicked sense of entitlement because "Mom and Dad split up so I deserve to get whatever I want. They ruined my life (or think they did) by divorcing so I can use that guilt to my advantage." Yes, kids love two parties, and no rules, and no set bedtimes and all the other crap that guilty parents feel they need to allow to make up for their guilt.
I agree with neutral places for dropping off if that's really as issue. But DO NOT call the child and let them know you're out there. Come on - act like an adult and stop putting the kids in the middle of this crap. Maybe if they're older, like teenagers, but if they're in grade school - heck no.
If you have a BM who refuses to behave like an adult, the best thing is to just smile and ignore her. Not put the kid in the middle, not reinforce the BM's immature behavior and just hang on until the kids are old enough to see that all the crazy is coming from one side. They will eventually figure it out. Someone posted in another thread that if you see one person standing in a parking lot screaming at no one, you assume she is crazy. If you see two women standing in a parking lot screaming at each other, you assume they are both crazy. Let her scream at no one.
Disengaging is always an option, but then you need to make sure you're actually doing it. Other wise it comes across as this conditional "I'm doing this because you like your mom better" kind of thing and makes them feel like they have to choose.
I know this is ranty and may piss some people off, but this is what we're going through with whatshername. It's hard and I get frustrated with it too. But giving in is what she wants and it is NOT in the kids' best interest.
I am new to this site can't
I am new to this site can't remember my password, that is why the annonymous post. Had I read another post like yours, I would have answered the same way.
I am not a vindictive person. I have raised children and have been around children professionally for many years. I just truly feel that kids should be raised without drama. I lived my own advice and my grown children are thriving. (All productive, happy college grads.)
I really do feel that single parents should probably remain single until the kids are up and out. It would eliminate a lot of pain for the children. This business of living with someone with young kids in the house is a horrific thing to me. No wonder kids are having problems. The parent's love life should be placed on the back burner until the child is grown. Dating is fine if kept discreet and new lovers not brought to the house.
I feel sorry for the next generation when common sense values are discouraged and attacked!
I hope God guides you in your decisions. Good luck.
You can request a new
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People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
I am both a biomom & an
I am both a biomom & an every other week mom. I have no children in the home. My stepson gets all the loving attention from his father and kindness from me BECAUSE THEIR IS NO DRAMA HERE. I waited for my children to be up and out before I remarried and paid sole and complete attention to them while they were growing up. I met my new husband when he was 6 years out of divorce. His X was not remarried either, nor dating so it helped the older two be stable. (he has a 14, 21, 25 year old). We did not live together before marriage so we could be good role models to our kids. If I saw that this marriage would have hurt the child I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIS FATHER.
Different Strokes for Different Folks I guess
Miyukikym I'm sorry I guess I forgot the WELCOME TO THE SITE where lots of us share our vents, experiences, and opinions. What does your fiance think about this situation? Have you talked about it. It is terrible when you have to deal with a bp who insists on drama, and forgets about the child, I have been through the same. We went for four years in blended family bliss before one of the x's "crashed her happy plane" and I learned about how crazy they can be. I don't think you should give up on any happiness with your family because of it though. All you can do is keep up the happy home you provide for your sd, because in the end that is the stability, and healthy environment any child needs to grow into a happy independant adult. With any luck your sd's bm will find that ticket onto the happy plane again...I have had allmost four years since of almost peaceful co existance with one x, and the other...whole other story!! Needless to say....HANG IN THERE If you and yours are happy together, check out your options, talk to the fiance and maybe it is time to ask her to settle down for the kids sake. I do not believe anyone should sacrifice love for the sake of a child, love makes the world go around and in the end the more love our children can receive the happier they will be. In the real world our children really only want us to be happy too right?
You need to do
what is right for YOU. My DH ex is a nutcase too, and in order to protect the kids, and my sanity, I do not attend events where she will be. First of all, the kids don't need to hear her yell obscenities at me, and I don't need to be in that sort of situation. Plus, I have an immune disease that flares with excess stress.
If you must attend, have the BF tell the BM that from now on he will be carrying a voice recorder with him whenever she is around, make sure he is recording him saying this to her. Let her know that her ridiculous behavior will then be played in court to obtain a restraining order. We did this with psycho and it worked like a charm.
Having a life and having step kids is difficult; however, eventhough mom and dad have split, that does not mean they shouldn't have a life. Kids need to understand that mom and dad will still love them just as much, even if they remarry. Our situation shows the kids that not all relationships between a man and a woman has negativity and yelling. DH and I are hopelessly in love, and the kids see the happiness there. They use to tell me that married couples yell and fight all the time and wondered why DH and I didn't do that. WOW!!!!
OMG you have got to be
OMG you have got to be kidding me. She calls you names in front of the coach??? and on top of that where everyone else can here?? I would call an officer out right then and there and file a report to keep her away from you. You should not put up with that. That is verbal abuse and you are not married to him so therefore you can file harrassment charges and even if you were you could.
My fh's X is one crazy woman to and do not back down to her at all. It's very obvious with her crying when she heard about you guys getting married that she still has feelings for him.
Is your bf sticking up for you and telling his X to cut the crap out??? and whats up with the "coke" issue?? did you mean his x was pouring coke down his pants??? and he didn't know it???
I agree with Crayon's two points and want to add more:
"1. your life should not revolve around your kids to an extent that you shut down as an adult."
I agree completely on this. Moreover, one of the biggest problematic consequences of divorce, if you read what psychologists who do research in this field have to say, is that divorced parents will often create relationships with their child that break down the parent/child barrier and follow more of a spousal or friend model. This is detrimental for both the parent and the child.
I experienced this with my own parents. I can tell you that I felt completely suffocated knowing that I was both my mother's and my father's primary relationship. I felt much more caught in the middle than I would have if my parents had found another adult relationship to make them happy. When I left for college, I felt huge, huge guilt at leaving each of my parents "alone". It lasted for years.
I believe, also, that this attitude -- that you should not have a relationship until your children are grown -- creates a very unrealistic expectation in the child's mind that they do and will always have ultimate "veto power" in who Mom or Dad dates. In addition, it teaches the child that the spousal relationship takes a back seat to the parent/child relationship. And in my opinion, that model is a partial cause of many of the divorces, even in first marriages, today. Do we really want to teach our children that Dad is not nearly as important to Mom as Child is? Or alternately, do we really want our Adult Child to go into marriage thinking, Spouse is my first priority, but will take a back seat when Child is born? Or, alternately, do we want to give them the model of a stable, loving, respectful relationship -- a model that will hopefully contradict the bad model that their biological parents gave them?
"2. believe me, even as older "skids" they will still object to someone new coming into their dad's life be they teens, late teens, twenties, thirties, whatever."
Again, research suggests that adult children often have an even harder time adjusting to a new SO in a parent's life than young children or adolescents. Adult chilren tend to see the SO -- especially if it's Dad's new girlfriend -- as an interloper who is out to steal their inheritance.
There is no "RIGHT" time to do this, and every situation is different. It is presumptuous, I think, to assume that someone who has made a personal choice to wait until their children are grown has somehow made a "BETTER" choice.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
sounds like you have a case
sounds like you have a case of psycho on your hands. I would record any verbal tirades that she makes on you or BF so that you can prove just how inconsiderate she is of her child's feelings. What kind of idiot bashes her ex in front of everyone?! Has it not occured to her that you can ask the other parents and coach to be witnesses to her behavior? Remind her that yelling obscenities and you and BF in front of SD is never acceptable.
Best of luck. Remember to smile and look pretty and innocent. That way, all that anyone passing by will see is some psycho freak attacking a perfectly normally family
..............
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn't get better! I promise you..Unless you REALLY REALLY love this guy work the the crap, but I promise you it's hard! It is not easy!
Not so sure!
I knew my wife had kids when we met. I knew there would be issues and problems. I knew it would be difficult and stressful. I loved her and couldn't see me "cutting and running" because of it. I continued to develop a relationship with her and eventually left the United States pursued her to Australia hoping that she would consent to marrying me. I do not regret doing that! The thing is no matter how much information you have, no matter how well you think you know something. No matter how well you think you know yourself and what you are capable of dealing with....nothing can prepare you for the real deal, day in day out experience of living in it!
While it has been extremely difficult, stressful And painful at times I have also seen some real progress in the situation, my wife has become much more assertive and definitive and the step boy is more accepting of rules, limits and boundaries. Dealing with all of this can be hard but there are rewards over time!
I'm a stepchild and considering being a stepmom
My parents both remarried when I was young (I was 10 and 14 at the time). I simply ADORED my stepparents, and I think both new marriages provided a good role model as to how a GOOD marriage works. I didn't want my parents to be unhappy and their re-marriages proved to me that marriage CAN work.
I am divorced and for the first time, I'm seriously dating a divorced man with a child. So far, he's told his father (his parents are divorced too) about us, but not his mom (who lives close by) or his 9yo daughter (of whom he has shared custody). I fully support that decision. I don't think it's fair to a child that young to get attached to someone in Dad's life unless the relationship is likely to be serious. (I don't have any bio children.)
However, I'm starting to think about how to best manage this situation if Dad and I continue on this path. We are starting to really care about one another. So, I'm hoping that I can post to this forum at times and read all your advice--from people who have been there!
Just wanted to find out if
Just wanted to find out if you were still seeing the Dad that had the step daughter. I am sorry it took so long for me to respond... I used this site to vent when I was so frustrated. If you ever need any advise to someone that has been there with dating a divorced guy with a step daughter... well, I've been there!
Would love to talk to you!
Kym
i hate it when somebody
i hate it when somebody posts a subject and their questions and someone falls off topic and completely changes the subject..the most common debate...should a child be raised by their Bio Parents??? havent you heard the phrase it takes a VILLAGE to raise a child..not just 2 parents, its the teachers, the community, your job, your spouses job, everything affects a childs outcome..anyways...to the question
WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER:
i think so long as you have plenty of documentation you could get something..if your really serious about the relationship, the soccer coach or other parents could write letters for you discussing how her outbursts are embarrassing or unnecessary at the games..or you could ask your b.f./you could stand up to her and say that you are here to enjoy the game and watch SD play, if she has something to discuss with you, you can discuss it at the car after the game..heres my number call me, email me, etc..email is the best for documentation reasons...and if you really need help..i live off of GOOGLE! google it..google restraining order requirements and your state..
and you have to expect her to be mean towards you, your the first "new" girl in SDs life, shes scared...just keep your issues with BM away from the child, and you will be fine, the child will see it all in time
Actually, she took us back to
Actually, she took us back to court to try and get full custody. We tried mediation but she ended up firing the mediator. She wanted more of our time with the SD but wouldn't offer anything in return. The judge had put me on supervision with my SD after the BM portrayed me as abusive. (I am a substitute teacher that loves children) The mediator asked her to offer to lift the supervision as something to offer us as we were actually contemplating giving her some extra time with SD (it was a pain in the butt to always have someone with me whenever I was with my SD) but she wouldn't and the mediator said that she was being unreasonable so she fired him. We all had to undergo psychological evaluations... the evaluator said that I wasn't abusive and the supervision was lifted. So, when we went to court, 3 day trial and over $100,000 in legal fees just from us... hers had to be much more... everything came out. I was astonished that she didn't lie about all the things that she did but we had several people who testified about all the things she did, even the teacher... she had one person come to testify what a great parent that she was and also testified what great parents we were as well. All in all, everything came out great for us... she lost what little extra time that she could have had with the SD. (afternoon access and Right of First Refusal) She was told to stem her anger and to give her daughter some breathing room because it wasn't healthy what she was doing to her child.
After the trial, she waited for us in the parking garage of the courthouse and started screaming and yelling at us. We had to go back and tell her attorney that she was out of control. I was scared that she would come after us with a gun or something so we waited with our attorney until she left. Low and behold, she took us back to court not even a year later requesting a new trial. She didn't like the fact that she did not get any more time, child support, that there was a somewhat restraining order (she had to stay at least 20ft away whenever child was around). So, we all went back to court and low and behold, the judge order that she was not able to attend any events that are scheduled on our days without written permission. (She had come up to me at an event and whacked me over the head with a magazine or something like that... and yelled, "don't forget the 20ft rule."
We have only denied one event which my mother, sister in law and nieces were attending and we didn't want to worry about what the BM would do. Otherwise, she attends most of her activities, softball, piano recital, camp, sailing, etc. But she does have to ask permission... which she feels that she as a BM is unacceptable... she in fact, has gone against the Order and just shows up at events without asking... stating that she thought that she was allowed to go to anything as long as she behaves. BF emailed her and told her that she had to request permission to attend from now on.
So, it seemed like everything is going great. At least, since before the trial, as much as we hated spending the money that we did for the custody battle... it did stop most of the altercations that were happening in SD's presence. Now, BF and BM have to attend monthly meetings with a parent facilitator who has been a Godsend!! She still has a lot of animosity towards us... probably towards me more... but the parent facilitator keeps her under control.
But we did hear some unhappy news, SD's psychiatrist told us that BM is taking us back to court! She's very unhappy that she has to ask permission to attend SD's events. Even though, she attends almost everything... she is still not happy. I feel that if the judge ever decides to allow her to attend everything again without permission, we will go back to the way things were... She is just not happy if she doesn't have control.
If we thought, it was in the best interest of SD, we would really take it under consideration... but SD is doing great! She is such a great kid! She and I have a great relationship... she knows that she has two different types of lifestyles in her two homes. With her mom, it's just them two together... and hardly any room for others (except her family on occasions.) And we live with that... it's not what we would want for her but understand that is the way it is over there. She knows that our household holds rules, boundaries, independence, my family and lots of friends. At least, she is very well loved... and is able to do things so many other kids wish for but she probably would give it all up if she didn't have to have divorced parents.. but somehow adopt me as well!
I wish that the relationship isn't so hostile towards each other... everytime I think that we could heal... we keep getting stabbed!
Should have looked at the
Should have looked at the date this was created. For some reason, it appeared on the first page of forum entries. Oh well. If I'm going to go off on a tangent I guess the best place to do it is a dead thread...