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Anybody here NOT trying to blend families?

TJSM's picture

I've been married to DH now for 2.5 years. I brought 3 kids (1 boy 2 teen girls) and he brought 3 kids (1 boy 2 teen girls). We've since had one of our own - infant. I originally lived 55 miles away from where DH lives and half my kids every other week for a week at a time. I kept my apartment there initially, with the hope of slowly blending the family together through the summer and hopefully having my kids with me full time by that fall. It failed miserably. His kids are rude, mean spirited and possessive of "their house," and my kids felt out of place and missed the familiarity of home and their school. So ever since, I've been spending every other week away from DH and his kids to be with mine, 55 miles away. i LOVE being away from his kids, as the girls are just like most of the other skids being vented about here. But this part time life means that I have no say at DH's house, and no control over it. He literally does everything and won't let me contribute. They are all total slobs and when I come back each week, the house is a disgusting mess. I love my DH, but i hate his house, his kids, and life on that end in general. If we didn't have a child together, I'd leave.

I previously thought that the only way to improve the situation would be to move in full time, but to do that, I'd lose my kids, more or less. And after reading all these posts, it also looks as though even if I were there, things wouldn't improve. Anyone else trying to live two lives like I am? Am I crazy to keep doing this?

RedWingsFan's picture

Wow, so you're married but living apart and it's not working out well? Not a big surprise here but my question to you is are you happy?

Because if you can't answer that with a resounding YES I'm happy in my situation/life, you may want to reconsider this whole thing.

Have you thought of marriage counseling?

TJSM's picture

I am definitely NOT happy. In fact, I'm reaching breaking point. I'm the vagabond who doesn't belong anywhere. My greatest source of pride has always been being a good mother, and to stop this part time life would mean leaving the only thing that's important to me--my kids--for kids that I can hardly stand to be around. I'm not sure if marriage counseling would help--DH is incredibly loving and wonderful, but he's set in his ways with his kids and his life and not willing to change it by moving nearer to my kids. Likewise, I'm not willing to give up my kids for him.

I just set up counseling for ME this week. I'm not sure what else to do.

RedWingsFan's picture

Good that you're going to go to individual counseling. At least you can get yourself situated. A big question you need to ask and answer for yourself is this: Are you willing to continue living this way or not?

Kes's picture

You may get someone on here who lives this kind of life and makes it work, but probably few and far between. I agree with RedWings, if you aren't happy, probably time to rethink. You tried blending and everyone hated it. Not a lot of point trying again any time soon, and unless you want to give up your own kids to live with your husband's unpleasant offspring, your options are limited.
Your final comment "if we didn't have a child together, I'd leave" is telling.

sam44's picture

How sad. I really feel for you.

I often read about the only solution being to blend by moving into a neutral home that doesn't have the history of belonging to one family or the other. I don't know. I can see the logic of that but it really does mean you have to WANT to blend and do the whole Brady Bunch thing. It doesn't seem from your post as though, deep down, either of you wants to blend. I think you have two choices here:

1. Live apart. Redefine what a family life is and how society dictates a couple SHOULD live. Would you be happier having a relationship with some distance between you and less time together but one that didn't mean decisions and waiting around? Then go with that. Live apart. I know that's really hard when you have an infant together but maybe when the other kids are older, you will be in a better position to face living together as a couple. Many couples live apart. I do and I hate it (so I'm in no position to preach) but every person has their own limits and priorities. If you think you can handle it, give it a try without looking at it as a temporary measure or a compromise. Look at it as the best way to live and then live it. Decisions and waiting around are what often drive us crazy.

2. Move on. You have fallen in love with this man. Clearly, since you have three kids from a previous relationship, you have fallen in love before. What makes you think you can't fall in love again?

Forcing a situation that makes you (all) unhappy just isn't an option.

Just my opinion.

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