Any positive talk being a step parent?

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Hello,
newbie here... not an actual step parent yet. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and we plan to eventually get married (but not have children), he has children from a previous marriage (3 kids- ten and under).

I came here because I have never dated a man who had children before, and wanted some behind the scenes info I guess...Get an idea of what to expect.... the majority of the posts I have read are always so negative (dealing with the skids and the bm-I can relate to the bm being a pain in the butt on occasion), and it just makes me wonder... I don't know... am I either really lucky or do I have on major rose colored glasses?? lol

Does anyone out there have positive and happy thoughts/memories/stories/etc. about their stepkids?

In our case we have a crazy

In our case we have a crazy BM who does not have custody of the kids, she tries to make our lives hell, but she does not accomplish that because we wont let her.

I think there are some cases where people get along, our's isn't that one.

As far as the kids I am with them more than their mom, we do have happy times, but I know that they hold a candle for a mom who isnt a mom and it is sad that she can not see past the forest for the trees so to speak and can just be a mom and not let everything be about winning.

I don't hate my Skids and

I don't hate my Skids and they don't hate me either. The issues are mostly BM related and any issues with the Skids boil down to parenting fails.
Luckily, mine aren't as bad as some of the ones I've heard about here but SD is only 14 and I'm not sure how she'll be in the next few years.
SS22 just moved across the country and our relationship while rocky at one point is back in a good place. So yes, there are some positive ones. Are we the Brady Bunch? Nahhhh, but we do co-exist in a comfortable place of common respect and caring for each other. If that makes any sense.

^^^same for me^^^ Skids are

^^^same for me^^^
Skids are awesome, good kids, love them alot!!!
Life is perfect and I'm happy, till BM gets involved.
She is manipulative, abusive, horrible, it was tough to break DH out of the cycle of abuse and why I turned to step talk.
If BM isn't interfering and abusing everyone and keeps her boundaries, life is grand!
I'm also a BM, and I keep my boundaries with my kids SM, I accept her input in parenting and try to stay out of their (ex and SM) lives as much as possible. ExH has a toddler now, and i don't want her wonderful years with her baby stressful. I didn't have interference when my babies were little, and i don't want her to either.
The years of raising kids is wonderful and I don't want bad memories of "BM interfering" to ruin it for her.

Kind of similar here. I do

Kind of similar here. I do kind of resent SD10's existence (not least of all because, since she and her mother live here, SO insists we do too, and the career I got a PhD for pretty much requires me to move, and now I can't/won't), and I have never liked kids, so living with one 50% of the time can get rough on me. SD has some of the issues other skids have on this site (terrible hygiene among them) but I feel pretty lucky that she is respectful and stays out of the way. I think my SO is kind of a crappy dad, but when I ask him for something (tell SD to take her shoes off at the door, get SD to put her dishes in the dishwasher), he does it, because he has come to make a point of respecting my needs, preferences, and so on. I'm disengaged, so I don't do much for the kid and therefore don't speak to her much, hardly even look at her to be honest. SO wishes I liked her more, but he accepts that I'm over the moon for him and just can't figure out how to interact with kids.

**It was not always this way.** When we got together three years ago, SO was just going through the divorce. He was catering to BM out of fear she'd withhold the kid from him, and IMO, he gave her too much money, which hurt our ability to get on solid financial ground (closing on a house today, so we've come far). He also had a very hard time attending important events with me because he refused to get a babysitter for even 2 hours if he had SD, so I often felt like a single person. He was a Disney dad to the fullest and he spoiled SD to a point that was nearly unrecoverable.

If SO was not absolutely my soulmate, I wouldn't have stuck with it. We went to couple's counseling early and since I am his soulmate, too, he made some good changes (and doesn't resent me for it). Reading what goes on here, I consider myself lucky to not have as many issues as everyone else, especially with BM, who isn't perfect but doesn't interfere much. **The key, for us, was that SO really cared about my feelings and wasn't going to let his Daddy guilt get in the way of maintaining a good relationship with me.** I do fear the coming years, with SD becoming a teenager and hopefully not, God forbid, an incompetent adult, but so far, SO seems 100% committed to SD moving out after turning 18 and graduating college, so hopefully if she has issues, I won't have to feel them much if she's not living with us.

I know a couple where the SM

I know a couple where the SM is happy. BM is great. SD loves SM. Cute little pet names and joint birthday parties. The child is only 7... Oh and obviously SM is not on here

am I either really lucky or

am I either really lucky or do I have on major rose colored glasses??

Maybe a little of both.

I was pretty lucky in the step kid department but with her, came the BM from the deepest pit of hell. My SD is 23 now, so we deal with BM not.at.all.

There are a lot of things to consider and it would benefit you to think of, and discuss, those things before you get married.

Does your BF truly parent his kids or just pretend when you are around?

Does he put the BM in her place or is she going to be a major pain, especially after you tie the knot?

How involved is he going to expect you to be with his kids? How involved do you want to be (or not)?

And many others. Look around this site, other things will come to you.

So many things can change after you are married, it's really best to examine each person's expectations before hand. Not very romantic but step life is NOT romantic.

This is the site "where

This is the site "where stepparents go to vent", so no, you're not going to find a whole lot of positive stories here.

I will say that my own experience hasn't been that bad. I'd certainly do it again. BM, while not exactly Mother Of The Year, is also not a psychotic, bat shit crazy bitch, so I've never had any particular problems with her. It helps that I never tried to be "mom" though, I was disengaged before I even knew what that meant.

My skids aren't that bad either, at least compared to some on here. Oh, we've had our share of issues. The biggest was that they were lying to both parents about what the other was doing. They figured if they got the parents mad at each other, they could play them and get crap they might not be able to get if the parents were on good terms. Fortunately, we nipped that in the bud before it became a real problem.

My skids are all aged out now (the youngest is 18, married with a kid, unfortunately) so there's even less problems now.

Does your BF parent his

Does your BF parent his children? I mean really parent them as in praising good behavior and setting and following through on consequences for bad behavior.

Does he step in and correct his kids if they are rude to you.

Does he have clear boundaries set for his ex and does he keep you out of her drama?

Does he pick up all of the parenting responsibility when skids are with him? Or does he expect you to pick up the majority of it?

Does he expect you to mother kids that are not your own? Or does he understand you are in a relationship with him first, kids second. And the relationship with them may or may not pan out?

This all depends on how your BF treats you and how he is raising his kids. Don't be fooled by Disney Parenting where he does everything for his kids and you are all "Awwwwwwww, he's such a great dad!" Because parents that do everything for their kids while teaching them nothing are lousy, freaking parents and even worse husbands and wives.

Well, this IS a site for step

Well, this IS a site for step parents to VENT. The most positive thing I can say is I was absolutely ECSTATIC to find my missing black bra. Coupled with being absolutely HORRIFIED that it was under PigPen's bed (in a backpack) along with several other bras and skivvies. Yep, there was some good with the (horribly) bad...

This is my second go round

This is my second go round being a SM and while I can say it is better than the first time, it's still not what I would call great. I have good days and bad days. Mostly good I would say. SD16 just drives me bat shit crazy because she's lazy and her dad is afraid of hurting her feeling. For the most part it isn't HORRIBLE but I am not really sure why I married another divorced father when I said I wouldn't. I guess because I am just crazy like that. LOL

Most of the posts are

Most of the posts are negative because we come here mainly to vent about all the horrible bad things we have to deal with IRL and most people around us do not understand, could never comprehend, and just think we should love more because that will fix everything. You cannot love someone that shows you hate and disrespect 99% of the time.

We are pretty much all decent loving woman who have been disrespected, pushed aside, expected to love while being disrespected, not listened to, the list really just goes on and on. I never expected what I ended like I did. I loved unconditional and I give all of me to the people I love and care for.

Your FDH may be able to put you first as his spouse, back you when you set rules and show a united front to the kids. BM may respect or even want the same boundaries. What some people that get into this do not understand or ever see coming is when the kids decide that you are in the way. You are the thing to get rid of. What you say means nothing, what you do is whatever, and they never know how much comes out of your own pocket because they assume everything belongs to them and their bioparent. They will talk endlessly about the other parent. They will compare your home, your belongings, to their other parent and will even tell you what they are allowed to do this or that because the other parents says it is okay.

Know how much contact you are willing to accept from the other parent.
Know where your FDH loyalties are or if he has to be in contact with BM every single day.
Is he more afraid of BM and what she can do than he is of the lovely lady he goes to sleep with every night?
Do they follow the CO or is BM always asking for more, keeping the kids away or belittling the dad to the kids?
If you expect a child at act a certain way make sure your FDH knows what you expect from his kids.
Know what the kids are expected to do on a daily basis.
Is FDH a Disney Dad or will he is truly parent his kid and do what he needs to do to be sure he is raising respectful and caring children?
How is his family and what boundaries are in place?
Does MIL just pop in and walk into your house unannounced, uninvited and unwelcome?
Does she seem to put FDH down?
Is she friends with BM?
This is an endless list that I am sure each and everyone of us SM can add to. I have one questions for you, Can you stand up for yourself to FDH and his kids if your back is against a wall? You have to have a voice and the balls to say what has to be said. What you allow, you encourage. If you do not stand up for yourself you will become everyone's doormat.

Will you have joint finances?
Will you pay for skids?
Will be be a babysitter for skids without any consideration to you, your time, or what you might have planned?

Think about everything that has to get done around your house on a daily basis. With 3 kids that is 3000 times more work and the second you clean it someone is going to come and make a mess right behind you 2 seconds later.

I believe some can find the Brady Bunch in the blend family life but I think most of us have been hurt by our spouses, their kids, and an intrusive BM. Sometimes even the in laws get into it. Think long and hard and KNOW what you are willing to put up with, if you will be able to have a voice in your own home, or if you will be expected to do , give, love because they are just kids and if you would just love them more, do more for them and keep kissing butt all would be perfect.

Good Luck and stick around for more horror stories I recently deleted my old account and created a new one (could not delete the old blogs and wanted to get rid of the negative) since my skids are grown and out of the house as is my DD and it is just H and I. We are currently working on our marriage of 7 years (together 10). I have an exit plan and when we sell our house built for 4 I will decide for certain if I am willing to tough it out or if I am throwing in the towel. This decision is 100% due to an incident that happened a year ago and that me and my DD are the only ones that have ever been held accountable for the slightest infraction while every one else was allowed to run around belittling and disrespecting. I am expected to "let go of" and "be the bigger person" because it is in the past. Does not feel liek the past it feels like my life.

Wow lol. I am grateful for

Wow lol. I am grateful for all the responses!

Well, about me and him... As I said, together for over two years. We have been living together for the past year. His children are at our house every weekend. Him and I have sat and had serious discussions regarding the kids. They are to listen to me just as they would listen to him. And they do, granted sometimes the middle child will hem and haw a little bit, but he will listen. I get along with all three of them, when they are at dads they ask me to tuck them in, they usually will ask me a question first (can I do....this or that) before asking him, as they think I will say "yes" or if it is ok with me, it will be ok with dad.

Dad can be stern, he doesn't take any shit from them - bad manners-no, messy rooms-no, calling people names (idiot, shut up, etc.)-no. He is not afraid to send them to their rooms if they are bad, if they are not listening (to what he said or to what I say), he backs me up (I have one silly thing ...If I am cooking dinner I expect you to at LEAST try it. You don't have to like it-and you don't have to eat the whole dish, but try one bite. - just because you had asparagus cooked one way and didn't like it - doesn't mean you won't like it cooked this new way-which he has backed me up on this when the middle child has refused in the past).

His ex mother in law is nice, We have met and make small talk when she watches the kids before we get them. He gets along with his ex mother in law. She does not blame him for the divorce. His mother is not alive.

His ex is a tricky topic. She does blame him for the divorce, however in general she tends to be "its never my fault" type of person. I see her moods as a roller coaster. He pays his child support every month, but if he is a little late-all hell breaks loose and she can be very nasty and will threaten court and what have you. But she can also be ok, I may be reaching here-but I think when things are going smooth in her own life-she is less nasty. She is not married, however she has been living with her boyfriend for a couple years, and they have a child together. Her and I do not see each other much, but we are pleasant when/if we run into one another. (for the most part she is quiet about me-however a couple weeks ago that changed-he thinks maybe she was drunk- and she was saying a lot of nasty things about me). She does talk negatively about him in front of the kids (the children have said "mom said you refused to pick us up from the party" when in reality-she told him about it the night before and he had already had work scheduled - had he known earlier in the week he would have made it work, and other things).

Him and the ex's communication has been mainly through email as of late (after the last big fight when she was talking bad about me), and it is our joint email-him and I both check that email, me more than him. Typically their only communication is discussing what he owes for baby sitting or the random email if something is required for school (so and so has to look up info on the planets, etc.).

The kids do talk about "at moms house", or "we did this..", things like that do not bother me-as I know I am not their mom and they are with her the majority of the time. But they also say things at their moms house about what they did at dads.

So far it has been nice. I am not saying that we are perfect and everything is peachy keen - sometimes I get frusterated, sometimes he does, but we talk about what is bothering us and work things out.

That was long...
I though this site was just a general "step talk" not step "rant", which is why I started reading - like I said, get some input.

Thank you everyone for the responses and reality check

That doesn't sound too bad.

That doesn't sound too bad. The most important thing is that the two of you are on the same page.

You definitely can discuss general step things on this site, a lot of people do. I, for one, don't really have a lot of rants but I hang out anyway.

Well... the only thing I can

Well... the only thing I can say about it is that I'm pretty sure my husband would not be as wise, kind, and nice to me if he didn't fuck up his life... so I got a pretty awesome husband out of the deal?

From your description... eh... it might wear on you after a while... all the small things start adding up. Just be prepared. I can't say I've really seen a "good" stepfamily situation when the exwife has, what you so kindly described, moods.

A positive for me is that

A positive for me is that being an SM has made me a stronger person and has taught me to find my voice and stick up for myself. My skids are not bad kids but the whole BM drama is unatural.

A positive for me is that

A positive for me is that being an SM has made me a stronger person and has taught me to find my voice and stick up for myself. My skids are not bad kids but the whole BM drama is unatural.

A positive for me is that

A positive for me is that being an SM has made me a stronger person and has taught me to find my voice and stick up for myself. My skids are not bad kids but the whole BM drama is unatural.

In a way we are lucky as our

In a way we are lucky as our BM put a restraining order on her own son15 but without her manipulating him, he is way better behaviourally... Other wise he tries to commit suicide, runs away, sends horrid rude texts to his father ( who has done nothing but be there for him) has risky sexual and deviant behaviour, takes drugs and sulks... Yeah so life is grand with ss15 living with us FT as BM can't legally see him.

**sigh**

Becoming ss13's stepmother

Becoming ss13's stepmother has been an over all positive experience. He's a delightful child with a sweet, sunny temperament. He is polite to me and looks to me as an authority figure and it's gratifying for me to see his growth that I have been responsible for.

But my ss13 is autistic. He can not be manipulated into hating me because I exist. If mom, dad, or chiefgrownup give him a cookie or tell him to wash his hands it's all the same to him.

SD15 has been pure hell. She has all kinds of problems that neither parent had addressed. At home she was Queen of All She Surveys and that was enough success in life for her. She saw me as an invading army and she has pulled no punches in trying to get rid of me. Including being vicious to her dad, "punishing" him for not abandoning me.

The only positive to that part has been that DH and I both have worked very hard to stay on the same page. We have discovered there is something very beautiful about exposing so much of yourself, including discontent and frustration, and finding you're still loved and you really can steer the boat together. So this horrible girl may have actually brought us closer together. Oh, how angry she'd be if she knew that!

Yes, there has been a lot of hurt and even despair at times and that is why I found ST. If both skids had been as easy as SS13 is, ST would never have come up.

My husband and SD are

My husband and SD are fantastic. That being said, it's still hard for me b/c of BM. She'll be a decent human being for months (meaning I don't have to see her, and she's being decent toward DH) and then she'll have an episode which makes it hard to be a SM. Sometimes, I want to throw my hands up b/c of the craziness.

But yeah, most everyone on this forum is here for a reason. I do feel less crazy having people to talk to about it So, good idea finding this forum. You may need it once in a while!

I am 34. The decision on

I am 34.
The decision on children is both of ours. I have never been 100% sure I wanted kids, and if I did have one-it would be exactly that, one child. I mean, I love the idea and always have thought I would make a decent mother-my own mother was wonderful. But when I really think about it-not the idea of it-but the reality and all that it entailes....it is a lot of work. And I honestly have never (even before I met df) been gung-ho about having children, don't get me wrong-I like kids and feel I am still a bit of a kid myself (I enjoy hiding the kids Easter baskets and sitting playing games or doing crafts with them). And, well with him -he came with three. I feel three is enough for me, even though they are not actually mine.

Not sure how to

Not sure how to respond...lol, I don't think anyone can be prepared for something like that. Am I aware that it is a possibility. Absolutely. Do I think it will cause a possible future divorce...not really. The bf/ff and I have talked about things from the getgo-yes, his kids are his life, but at the same time he is not going to allow them to dictate it. He is still the father. Before I first met them I was very nervous, and said I hoped they liked me. He on the other hand was not worried about that at all. He said he was sure they would- and the idea didn't bother him if they didn't care for me. He did. And that may sound a little harsh-but they are not with him full time (just weekends and in the future it would be every other-when BM was done with school).

I don't know many step families. Myy cousins family-she had a step dad and things went smoothly for them. I have a friend who has a college age SD and know how frusteration my friend gets with that situation....but that's it. I just know that in thee past two years we have had no issues (aside from a little BM drama). I don't know what the future holds though.

Once you get married, things

Once you get married, things will change. Unless your stepkids, their BM, and your dh are nothing like any of ours. Things were fine with us pre-marriage, too. A wedding is like a great big Thor's hammer coming out of the sky at them. They see it suddenly and start lashing out.

How did things change after

How did things change after getting married? Had the BM moved on herself?

Suddenly the stepdaugher who

Suddenly the stepdaugher who thinks you're kinda fun and harmless, even fond of you, turns on you like a hot rattlesnake. Even the best of BM's mopes about muttering her sorrow and regret about the past marriage, SD picks up on this and spews revenge anger at Dad. Dad is in shock, paralyzed, doesn't know what to do. SM feels hurt, attacked, abandoned. Nothing is ever the same.

Our BM doesn't want dh back and never liked him even when they were married. But the shock of him marrying someone else and getting out from under her thumb shakes all the "woe is me" comments out of the attic of her brain and SD hears and absorbs every one. SD starts trying to understand the concepts of love and marriage in her tiny child brain and can only come up with conclusions that Dad lied to or abandoned somebody. BM starts using kid as a confidante, explaining her version of the divorce to the kid who is now demanding answers to questions that never occurred to her behavior. On and on ad infinitum.

I have no words Sally ...

:sick: I have no words Sally ...

I had rose tinted glasses for

I had rose tinted glasses for about 6 months...to be honest the kids aren't bad overall. Just things I would change if I was the BM...they have no rules at BM house and some at ours and trying to enforce them when my partner forgets is hard.
I have had a positive influence on the skids, and I do struggle with being a SM. The BM is annoying as hell and I cant stand the woman because she in my opinion should be a better mother to the boys.
Yes, I would prefer my life without them, it would be a lot more stress free. However they aren't all bad, and have shown me what being a mum actually takes when you don't actually love them. Hardwork.
I am a step child and have both a SM and SD...and love them as much as my parents. So just have to hope that will happen with my skids.

My wife and I met when SS-22

My wife and I met when SS-22 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. For the most part our blended family adventure has been positive.

Other than some fairly "normal" teen boy brain fart episodes when SS was 15-17yo we had little trouble with him.

The shallow and polluted end of his gene pool however .... we spent 16+ years smacking them around in court and with a rolled up copy of the CO. Protecting our son from those toothless drooling morons was where our blended family drama came from. SS is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by 3 different baby mamas. The Sperm Idiot is the poster child of the "no business breeding" movement. He is an Opie Cunningham looking white guy with the dream of becoming a Crip or a Blood black gangbanger. He has lived rent free in a rental property owned by his parents, Sperm GrandHag and Sperm Grandpa, drives their hand me down hoopty cars, they paid every penny of his CS for my Skid for 17+ years, they raise his three younger spawn in their home without any help from the Sperm Idiot and they spend a ton of time trying to convince the kids and anyone else that their POS son is a good father.

Once SS turned 18 he did not hear from anyone in his Sperm Clan for nearly 2 year except to try to guilt money out of him to help raise his three younger Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs. Fortunately we raised him to have the confidence, intellect, and character to be able to manage the Sperm Clan and minimize their toxic influence. He enlisted in the USAF when he turned 18 so once he was on his own the started pressuring him for money. He has not given them a penny.

About a year ago Sperm Idiot spawn #3 was arrested for a gun violation. The Sperm Idiot of course tried to hide it from Sperm GrandHag. When #2 call my SS to tell him about #3's gangbanger bullshit SS jumped on a plane, whooped spawn #3's ass, put the Sperm Idiot against the wall by his throat with the message "if any of the kids pull your gangbanger bullshit again I will be back and I will beat you to within an inch of your life" then SS marched his Sperm Idiot and #3 into the Sperm GrandHag and Sperm Grandpa's house and forced the DipShitIot and #3 to update the SGPs on the arrest. Sadly that did not go as SS hoped. Sperm GrandHag freaked out on SS for disrespecting the Sperm Idiot. At that point SS laid into Sperm GrandHag giving her clarity that she is the reason why Sperm Idiot is such a POS and why the rest of the kids will likely be useless POS people just like their sperm donor.

My amazing bride, our son (my SS), and I are very close. For most of our life together it was the three musketeers. Now that SS is on his own, self supporting, and "doing his thing" as he likes to say, we remain close.

The blended family experience does not have to be all drama and painful emotion all of the time. The key is absolute equity partnership between you and your SO including both of you being equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. Both of you must make your relationship the only priority. Kids are the top responsibility for the adults but the relationship/marriage is the sole and only priority.

Nothing else seems to work in my experience.