Anger, moodiness and disconnecting when I mention his child's behavior
Whenever I mention my SO's child's behavioral issues it is met with a reaction from him that is either anger directed towards me, him telling me if I don't like it I can leave, or him becoming moody and telling me I never see the good things and am always complaining about his kids to the silent treatment from him. Is this normal? It has gotten to where I no longer want to bring up any issues so I don't say anything. However I find it terrible the way his kids act sometimes. It is their constant complaining and underlying whiney attiudes that bother me the most. They are never appreciative about anything and never seem happy. I also do not like how they interrurpt adults who are talking and try to boss adults around then get away with it by getting to make decisions based on their whining. I caught his son lying about having a fever once and he told me I could leave if I wasn't going to help. I also paid a lot to take his kids trampolining only for his daughter to be picked up 10 minutes later because she "didn't feel good" (she felt fine all morning and when we got there) because she was not getting the attention her brother was getting from the other kids and decided it wasn't fun anymore. She said she did not feel good yet refused to try to go to the bathroom or take a tums. She suddenly felt better once daddy showed up. When he came to pick her up he starred me down and said "What's your problem?" and of course, he offered no reimbursement for the money I already spent on her. I do not want to be in a household anymore where kids not only act like this but get away with it. It is demoralizing to me and feels horrible.
Totally normal for a
Totally normal for a passive-aggressive guy who refuses to deal in an adult way with criticism or anything he finds unpleasant. And it works because now you don't want to bring anything up and just keep your mouth shut. The question is whether he is worth the discomfort of working together and finding a way to better communicate and "fight fairly" or if this is an inherent personality flaw of his that he is unwilling to see as an eventual relationship killer. Because no one can live like that long term without serious resentment building up. Usually people only stay because they are stuck due to mutual children or financial dependency and live in misery.
Listen to susanm
My DH is exactly what she described and behaves like you described. It is a sad, lonely way to live.
That's what I'm discussing with my therapist right now and trying to decide if there's even another angle to possibly come at it. And though one is going off to college, I'm sure if things don't change I'll get the same reaction if I forget and say something about their career or don't find future grandchildren the most wonderful and beautiful ever.
I am so sorry
I am so sorry to hear that. I really hope that you can find a way to get through to him. It is a very difficult way to live and I wish you good luck. If you are stuck for some reason, hopefully you can find something that will be fulfilling to you in other ways.
OP, it is possible for people to learn how to not instantly react defensively and learn how to fight fair. A lot of the time it is ingrained from childhood or their previous marriage and they simply don't know another way to react when challenged. Especially in intimate relationships. Other times it stems from far deeper issues. But the key is always whether or not someone acknowledges that what they are doing is destructive to a relationship that they want to keep.
My DH and I had a lot of work to do over the years but we went from "you hate my kid" when I asked him to have them close the door so that the dogs did not get out to being able to respectfully discuss my fear that he will allow SD to move back in. Yes, I still worry that he will cave and he resents my lack of complete trust but even that does not lead to a full-blown fight. And we did have a big setback when the last one moved out and my expectations were too high for a "second honeymoon" while he was experiencing "empty nest." So restructuring the relationship and making it work for both of you can be done. It is hard work in the beginning and can be very unpleasant because both of you are really vulnerable. I can attest that it is worth it. But it is not once and done. As life changes there are tweaks here and there. That is just the human condition.
But if he won't participate, there is nothing you can do. You either live under his rule or live somewhere else. While you are deciding, make sure that you don't get pregnant or join finances in a way that you can't get out of quickly with no penalty.
This person
IS abusive. He doesn’t want you to bring to light the issues with his children so that he does not have to effectively deal with them. In other words, he is doing this to bully you into submission do not permit this behavior to continue. His children sound like little monsters who will become big monsters with this kind of parenting.
The next time time he tells you if you don’t like it you can leave...DO IT! This sort of abuse will do nothing but destroy you...love yourself more and dump him now. You are not even married to this person and he is treating you this way...it will not improve.
No, this is NOT normal.
No, this is NOT normal. Normal, healthy adults are not passive-aggressive, moneygrubbing users.
IF you are actually going to stay with this awful guy, STOP paying for anything for HIS kids.
It is normal for a guy who
It is normal for an abusive guy who wants his relationship with you to slowly die. If his kids act badly he should address it. If he does not want to address it then he should not be surprised when you bring it up. When you bring it up he should definitely address it if he cares about his relationship with you and wants his kids to be respectful. No one wants to be around rude, entitled, manipulative stepkids and a partner who refuses to parent them. He also should at least offer to reimburse you for his kids' expenses. He sounds awful, like a user, abuser, type.
- Do not marry someone who
- Do not marry someone who cannot parent
-Do not marry someone who has bratty kids
-Do not marry someone you cannot talk to without fear of making them mad. This is abusive.
-Do not marry somoene who threatens to kick you out/break up with you over silly stuff like this. This is abusive.
-Do not marry someone who puts first family expectations on you when you are in a second/step family (example: you should not be paying for his kids expenses. Those are not your kids.)
He invited you to leave. In
He invited you to leave. In your position, that's what I would do.
Your DH would rather tell you are bad One
Then deal with his kids. You have to make him deal with his kids. You tell DH you don’t like his kids and you are disengaging. You will not do transportation for SK. That up to him. You will not babysit kids you don’t like so he has to make arrangements for that. It’s all up to him now.
Either deal with his kids or leave to greener grass. Maybe that why his first marriage failed
This "man" is treating you as
This "man" is treating you as if you were subhuman. Tell him where to stick his attitude and walk (run) away before he does you permanent damage.
Are you dating my ex, lol?
Are you dating my ex, lol? Seriously though, it was this exact type of behavior that caused me to walk. I tried to talk to him about his daughters behavior and he blew a gasket. I event cited specific examples that we both witnessed to back up my concerns and he was just besides himself that I dared to tell the TRUTH!
Being a parent myself, I can understand some natural level of defensiveness, but not being in full-blown denial. He’s so infatuated with her that clear-as-day shitty behavior was minimized or straight up denied. Child worship at it’s finest.
Needless to say, the relationship failed. I couldn’t stick around for the insanity, anger and blame-shifting that took place because he was content with being a guilty, permissive dad.
Run girl, run! You can do better than this immature, skid obsessed asshole. It doesn’t get better.
"It has gotten to where I no
"It has gotten to where I no longer want to bring up any issues..."
And that's exactly why your SO does this - to shut you up.
He's invited you to leave. Please love yourself enough to do so.
^^^THIS^^^
^^^THIS^^^
Completely normal for an
Completely normal for an immature asshole.
Too extreme
i agree with everyone. This guy is way over the top. I've seen some defensive behaviour in my time, but this is ridiculous!!! It's defensiveness to the point of being aggressive. You need to do something about this, because one day, you're going to look back and be furious with yourself for being walked all over by such a pig-headed bully. For him to use such a cop-out and say "if you don't like it you can leave " is CRAAAAAZYYYYY!!!!
I agree and this is why we
I agree and this is why we are seperated right now. I also might add he forgets how bad he is in these moments and will let weeks go by without contacting me then he will contact me out of the blue saying he misses me yet he rarely appoligizes nor addresses his behavior.
My SO does this all the time
I'm not allowed to tall about sk's horrible behavior without being met with anger, insults or being told to leave. If I say anything about sk, it's WW3.
Anger, insults and demands
Anger, insults and demands for you to leave should end his pathetic presence in your life IMHO. Next time he pulls this shit, approach him, inform him that he is done, tell him to pack his shit and the shit of his spawn and GTFO. NOW!
He has until the locksmith arrives to rekey the locks to take what he can GTFO never to return.
Prepare for this by having divorce papers drawn up and filed. He is going to do it, so control what comes next by preparing to optimize successful outcome for yourself.
Screw him and his toxic spawn.
My formerSO used to do the
My formerSO used to do the same manipulative abusive crap. Until I packed myself up and left! Oh boy! Then he was all about "you're right, changes need to happen!".
I didn't buy the bushel of crap he was trying to sell.