He has shown you over and over who comes first...and it's not you. It won't change and the only person you should resent is your DH for being a spineless coward. He has two wives already and both of them are not you. He's made it clear that his mini-wife daughters are the only important women in his life and you're just there, in the background, when it suits his needs to use you.

You need to find your self worth and dignity and decide if this is the way you want to live your life. He won't change so you need to decide. Live as third best to your own spouse or break free and live life for yourself, the way you deserve. You are young and there is so much more out there that is a million times better than what you've settled for.

Time for you to have a reality check.

You are nothing to him, you are only there to fill his needs that his children can't. So you are now just a cook,cleaner and for sex. You are his ATM for his children.

If this was me I would think I have wasted enough of my life with this loser and now divorce him and get MY life back.

I would rather be alone forever then be a third class citizen in my so called marriage.

I'm afraid your husband sounds like a total control freak and is encouraging his daughter to act like one too. If your overriding desire is to have a child with someone, leave now and find someone who will act like a normal human being. I can see you in 10 yrs time, with your husband still taking up the same position - (these types tend to not change) and you past your childbearing years, feeling even more angry.

Sacred human right? :? :jawdrop:

Your DH is a sacred human ass.

He needs to man up, grab a big ole handful of man sack and grow a spine. He is letting his children dictate his life..... and yours. He gets visitation. He needs to take it and HE and YOU decide what the spawn will do when on visitation. PERIOD!!!!!

"Mom doesn't have anyone yet." WTF does that matter to DH's visitation?

Okay, here is what I would do if I were you. Schedule a short trip for you and for DH on each of his visitations and tell him that the kids can come but he has no choice. See if that gets him to man up or yet again marginalize you as his live in F-buddy and subservient priority in his life.

If he does it again... you need to kick his ass out. This idiot is little more than an epic and sacred Ivy League Techno Genius waste of skin. My grandfather was fond of telling me that if it looked like a dog, smelled like a dog, and barked like a dog, ... it must be a dog. You need some of my grandfather's advice. Quit letting this idiot ruin your life.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

I am in shock..... if Aergia refused to ever meet me it would not have bothered me one bit, but no instead she wanted to meet me and immediately turned my life into hell..

your SD's are fine, leave them be, so what if they do not want to meet you, if you have neighbors who refuses to meet you and greet you are you going to sit and cry tears because of it? Don;t think so, thus way are you upset cause bratty little girls do not want to meet you...... be happy lady be very happy....

your husband supports you and is always there for you, he's not taking your earnings to spoil the kids, he pays his share...and yet you are not happy?

As they say, long-time listener, first-time caller. I was in a similar situation for a while. It definitely sounds like your DH has some complex issues with SKs that he needs to resolve. That said, maybe provide more details on income and other aspects of the situation. My DH is in finance not legal or technology but sounds very similar. I'm assuming that with IL law he makes over 200, just saying, so with 90 to SKs he got off easy. How much alimony does he pay on top of that? Mine got to keep 25% of his 300 --- 75, and lived in a studio in Stamford while making payments for old house in Greenwich and 150 cash which eventually went down but is still like 40% of total.
Is your DH frequently unavailable when you need him because hes taking care of SKs? I met both of my SKs about 2.5 years in. None would talk to me for a very long time other than hi and bye. But it got better eventually. I read somewhere it takes on average 7 years to feel integrated allthough it may be different for SKs who live with SPs rather than others who don't. My SKs were 13 and 11 when we first met and they were just obnoxious at first. My mother is a therapist and said to expect them to act out at first. The important thing is for your DH to talk to them afterwords and make sure they know it's not acceptable to behave like this towards you but you shouldn't parent until they see you as such which they will. That's my $0.02 and it worked out for me eventually. My DH doesn't see his BKs that often still, but we do things sometimes all together and it's very nice now. My younger SK suddenly warmed up once she started dating I guess and got more wise to the relationships, it was 4 years after I met her. Until then it just went from rude to civil gradually. The older SK actually followed shortly after the younger SK. One thing I gotta tell you is that no matter how peaceful the divorce is, the SKs will still blame you for the parents breakup no matter how little sense it makes. My DH was separated from his XW for 4 years and divorced for 1 before we even met but when I eventually got to talking terms with the SKs they said they didn't think about that even though that's what everyone told them. My parents are both from divorced families (I'm not) and they both said to me early on that's how children feel no matter what happens or you do or say, just let it work itself out.
One thing is that if your DH is not present for you because hes always away with the SKs that's really bad but it doesn't seem to be the case. What my mom told me to do is really try to look at the SKs as any other relatives of DH so I sat down one day 3 years in, 6 months after I met the SKs and they wouldn't still talk to me and thought of them as his second cousins. Because I decided that if they want to be seconds cousins to us that's fine by me and it helped a lot. Before then I was super jealous of DH and was thinking that maybe he wants to get back with his XW or whatever. Does your DH spend a lot of time with his XW?
But I'd say definitely talk to him about all this and lay it all out and the important thing is if he's taking you seriously or just dismisses you.

Yes but drawing baths and buying flowers isn't what makes a good relationship. My DH never does those things yet I love the man with every fiber of my soul. Why? Because the big stuff, the key to a solid foundation is there: commitment, respect, boundaries, make each other a priority.

You don't have that. If flowers and baths were enough, you wouldn't resent him so much that you don't even want to have sex with him.

In the end, he puts you last with the big things:

Financial stability - he'd rather give an obscene amount of money every month to his ex so the little princesses have a cushy life. No child needs $7500 per month in CS. No one. Yet, you guys are struggling and you're expected to be okay with that?

Respect - his ex and two daughters are running the show. What they say, goes. What you want is okay as long as it's little things he can buy from the store or take 2 minutes to fix. If anything you want interferes with what his First Family want...you're expected to zip the lip and behave like a good little third class citizen.

Priority - The first family has that. Time, money, wishes, authority, financial stability, demands. You are only a priority if it is convenient for him and doesn't upset the first family.

This isn't a relationship. He is, in all respects except location and sex, still married to his XW and two daughters. You are the warm body in his bed and convenient roommate when it suits him. A roommate that just better shut up and do as she's told with the leftovers he decides to hand out.

On top of all of that - he's trying to make you feel like it's all your fault. That he doesn't do his part for you because you act wrong or feel wrong or do this or that wrong. That's called Gaslighting....google it. That is mental and emotional abuse. He makes you feel bad or crazy for wanting things that a good, healthy relationship should have.

You are not wrong for wanting a real relationship.

Nothing about this relationship seems emotionally healthy.

He IS very doting in so many other realms : flowers every week without fail; makes sure I'm always comfortable, draws me a bath every night, often makes dinner, always does the clean-up, does all the grocery shopping, doesn't expect me to contribute to the house income (whatever I make is "mine" to do with what I please).

This is how emotional abusers manipulate those that they want to control.

We met during a tragic time in my life (my brother was lost to suicide) when I really needed to feel protected, taken care of, and DH provided that. He straightened out many situations in my life that I didn't know how to navigate

This is how they get those that they want to control.

His controlling personality, while no doubt born in part from negative qualities, often comes from a truly protective nature.

He wants you to think that it comes from a place of good, that he wants to protect YOU, but that's not what it's about.

I'm an adjunct professor at a community college and make very little - AND THIS WAS ENCOURAGED BY DH WHO SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM THAT I BE ABLE TO STAY HOME WITH OUR CHILD WHEN WE HAD ONE and important to him that I pursue my career without the pressure of making a lot of money).

See how he's chosen your career path for you, which keeps you financially dependent on him, but makes it sound like it is in YOUR best interest?

I swear, reading some of what you wrote sounds like it could come straight from a psychology book about abusers. Or a how-to book by an abuser.

Still hoping to get an answer on the citizenship/marriage issue.

This could actually be a sham marriage and that ridiculous amount of "child support" is actually being banked in a joint account for his REAL family ... the ex wife and the kids.

Could also explain why they don't want OP to get involved with the kids - they know she will be expendable after the requisite amount of time passes.

Maybe they divorced just so he could get married and get some sort of status?

Oh... and one other thing. This enormous debt he has - could she be liable for it if he decided to kick her to the curb once he's "safe" with his status? Not sure what the laws are in NY but it could also be a factor.

Citizenship is a good question - did you suspect it is an issue? A lot of good questions raised here but I have to say that most comments make assumptions that the way I read your post you did not speak to at all. You're understandably emotional on the issue but what are the facts? What percentage of the income goes to X, not what number? Does his X work or did she when the court order came in? Do the SKs now live better than they did before the support order? If she doesn't work and less than 50% of his total goes to them, it sux but is the law. My first marriage but have girlfriends who are divorced and some with children and it's not easy financially for both sides after a divorce but if the children are 100% with the mother and she doesn't work, he'd be paying way more than half to them until they're 21 in NY (have friends from there). May not suit you and it's your right not to want to be in it if he can't provide for you. I also read your post as saying you do have the career you want, but clarify - you do have the career you want and he encourages you to have it even if it makes no money, or you wanted a different career with more money but he "encouraged" you to have one without money using nonsense reasoning? Trying to be the voice of reason in what seems to be avalanche of comments not based on facts that you provided. I may be in a few that say it worked out for me eventually even though the going was very rough for 2-3 years into marriage at first. But at the end of the day it's how you feel. I have to agree that ultimatums won't work though.

I'm with Bisquits, not with Cooooookies.
I'm kind of in your boat but 3 skids. One off to college and big age difference between 2 young ones. Does your DH refuse to have a child with you? My DH is in a super high stress job and you need to be super supportive or get out, not saying which is better, but no ultimatums and nothing will change if you're in-between. Something definately weird if he does not see his kids more, but are you supportive of him seeing them without you? My DH and me got to the point of seeing a couples therapist and a child psychologist - the younger was easy but the teenager was making our life hell. We were told that he definately needs to see his kids more but without me mostly so they don't feel like I compete with them but he needs to tell them that it's important to him that everyone get along. Does the BM create problems or is she supportive of them spending time with you? What bisquits is saying is right about what goes to them if it's true - so make sure you see the court order, make sure citizenship is not an issue, but then just get over it, get over the part about what goes to them altogether. Separate skids and money that goes to them from you and your DH. If he's spending too much time with them and doesn't have time for you, then you have to deal with it all at once, that's what we've been told. But it's not been an issue for us. So we were told that he needs to deal with them first, that's the law. If your DH is not an above mentioned idiot who gave too much money (our attorney advised us 35-40% of total until skids are all of age which NY sets at 21 - is that where they live?), then that part is fine. Subtract skids from the equation, subtract what goes to them from the equation, and just build your relationship with him based on the 2 of you and your combined remaining money. If that's not enough and if he's a lazy bum who doesn't support you emotionally then deal with him as such but same as you would deal if it's just him you and whatever money he brings into your house. After couples meetings we sat down and did a fresh start and talked about plans and it got a lot better. Sounds easier than it was but 6 years in and happy. Dealing with the younger one now who's a teenager and I'm worried if teenager acting up is just a teenager or is now taking the turn working out unresolved issues with me, but hoping for the best, and it definately helped a lot right away when I was told to get on with it and not worry about what time or money goes to skids and XW so long as that's what the court said.
But as everyone eager to know more facts.

Be careful what you wish for. Many of us would give an eyetooth never to have met our SDs.

The not having your own child and living in a garret and losing your attraction to him--that's a different story.

try to look at it this way. you have met the one and she is rude - the other one is invoking her right not to meet you - if it were me I would not want to meet them - they are pretty "spoiled" if you ask me - so for you think of the drama they would cause you and your marriage if they spent weekends with you. I agree with you kids should not dictate to the parents - the parents should have the control it is our job to teach them. its not you - don't take it personally - no matter who he would be with it would be the same - i was once told that all kids want there bio parents together and it does not matter who the parent(s) get with the kids never really approve they always see you as the reason the bio's are not together. My advice to you is drop it and think of it as a blessing - its not you it's them and you actually live in peace right now. if you do have a baby you can focus on your child without having to worry about them, and sadly you may not want them in your child's life - your hubby may need to think about that - cause that child will be part of you and if it were me i would be like you don't want me you don't want my child. but if you read all our stories and the hell we all go through you have a dreamy situation if you ask me..

SheWho, I needed to go all the way back up front AFTER typing out my whole thing because I reread it after I was done and realized that it may seem like an attack on you. I promise it is not, please keep it in mind. I hope you will understand after reading my actual post that some of your positions seem at odds with others, and some seem very skewed in one direction, so I naturally but unintentionally started playing the devil's advocate in some places. I feel for you. I've been there somewhat and it makes you feel like garbage when it happens. But it doesn't always mean what you think it means.
PS: My wife taught me to preface before I go into the debate mode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess it takes a guy to ask about the emotions just in your relationship. }:)
I agree about there being no point in making them meet you. I don't know if that's abusive or not but precisely what are you trying to achieve by ultimatums?
My concern is about how it is just between you and DH on its own - do you love him? Does he love you? If not, get out just because of that. If you don't know, figure it out and go from there. It sounds like a very complicated situation, but you say you're not intimate with him. You resent the skids. You feel like the DH priorities are not with you and yet he's always there for you, supports your career, takes care of you. So you're just upset about money. I don't mean to sound like you're a gold-digger, I know it's emotions about him working hard I assume and you not seeing the results, but just trying to zero in on how do you really feel because it seems you kind of contradict yourself on some points. That's understandable but still you need to figure it out on your own. Is he emotionally supportive of you and your friends and your family outside of issue with skids?
I'm both a BF and a SF. Married another woman with her previous kid and now we also have one together. As comments and replies unfolded I'm just in envy of all the amounts of money talked about, but looking at just your situation, in which exact ways are his priorities with skids and ex over you if you now also say he's paying way below average for situation, he's there well enough when you need him, he lets you have his own career. I'm in technology, not law or finance, but I lost my job in the middle of all my proceedings 10 years ago and that did not help our situation, but we got through it with the current wife. Finance got totally wiped out as far as jobs go. No clue about law, not my circles. You say he's controlling. In which ways other than letting you have your own career, letting keep all your income while he's clearly struggling and as a guy has the weight of responsibility for kids and for you on his shoulders? Everyone I know would've said get off your butt, go work, and contribute. You said he helped your family a lot. Do you feel he's not invested in the marriage with you? Is he avoiding meeting your family? Is he avoiding meeting your friends? Just asking, looking for signs of a double life, emotional or otherwise, that some pointed to. Don't see any. Heard of people having a second family on the side and then doing weird things to hide one family from another. But you say you did meet at least one of the skids. Is he aware you're together? If yes, then obviously the DH is not trying to hide your existence from skids or ex or the other way around. Did you know ex and skids existed before you got engaged or married? If yes, you're already better off than some.
My current wife's and mine divorces were different, one was mostly by judge's ruling, the other by mediation and settlement. From looking at all comments on what was talked about so far, looks like his lawyers negotiated in a way that made it a lot harder on your DH initially and a lot more stressful but provided for a fixed amount that goes down over time regardless of his income. Sounds to me like he was trying to provide for a definitive and comfortable future by taking the early hit in exchange for stability down the line. Of course you may wonder stability for whom - just him or him and you or him and you and your child together, but you need to decide if you want a future with him and if you do, it feels like that is what he may be trying to build. You say that he behaves as if you're not worthy of being a mother but wants to have children with you. You need to sit down and decide - is he a psychopath who wants to have children with a bad mother (get OUT RIGHT NOW if that's what you think) or he's just flat out lying to you or you're reading the wrong thing into the wrong thing. Guys think differently about things than women - for us, loving a woman and wanting to have a child is purely emotional. For women, it's about practical considerations. Kind of kidding, kind of not. Talking about it because have been through exactly this with current wife. Integrating her child (living with us), integrating my child (mostly not living with us), having or not having our own child. Can she work and so face situations where I will be the one picking up and parenting "her" child? What are we going to live on if she doesn't work? Can we afford "afford" to throw a third child between of us into the mix? It's not about the total sum of thoughts and emotions that goes into a decision, it's about the path they take from origination until the decision is made. Guys think logistics at work - run out, stake out your deer up wind or down wind, use a spear or plop the deer over the head with a rock. Then they come home, drop the deer in storage and just want home warmth and hopefully love their woman and want love, sex, rock-n-roll, and a child to bear the family name. Gals have to sit at home and make sure it's warm and fire doesn't go out and last deer is cooked and they think home stability logistics first. And if he didn't bring a deer home it must mean he likes the deer more than wife, not that there's a 5-day storm out and there are no deer out. I mean things do just happen. You talk about his refusal to acknowledge you. If he told the skids and ex that you exist - he acknowledged you. If you want more than that, maybe nothing wrong with wanting more, but maybe don't say he didn't acknowledge you. Guys don't think the way gals do AT ALL - don't tell him that you want him to "acknowledge" you and then expect him to bring the skids around and say "here's your new mommy". Again just bringing it up because it kind of came up for me. For us, skids on both sides acted up and we were both gentle and let a lot of things go for a long time each to our respective skid. Have to agree with one of the posters though - it is important that you trust him to bring it up with the skids and not let it go with his own children. Maybe it was easier for us because we made a symmetrical situation so we could relate to each other more and how just styles of parenting can be so different without either one being wrong if it's solid all around, so each one instinctively knew to parent their own in private to start but not parent the skid full throttle right off the bat. Or at all really for a long while.
I also see a lot of comments that don't mean anything to me even though I'm trying hard to understand. "This is an easy way to make YOU feel wrong for wanting to meet her" - I get it CAN easily achieve that effect, but that does not meet that this is WHY it was done. Just ask him if that's the purpose or not. How did it come up? Did he just snap at you one day and laid it out there? Did he find the time to make sure he says it to you? Then maybe yes, he wanted to make you feel wrong. Or was it you asking him over and over again until he told you? Then maybe no, he didn't want to make you feel in any specific way.
I do see a big issue with you meeting the kids being so slow and far in between, but I do not at all see that this is necessarily his fault or your fault. My parents were divorced, too, and there are 4 of us siblings and obviously our parents behaved the same with all of us and mom's new husband behaved the same with all of us but our reactions and how long it took for all of us to be civil and then friendly is just so different like we're from completely different situations. So I've seen all this drama you talk about play out 4 different ways - as a child, as a parent, as a step-parent, as a divorcee and you just need to focus on you and your DH. But going back to my concern - it sounds like maybe you just don't love your husband or maybe he doesn't love you or you feel he doesn't on its own merits and you're using the skids situation to explain things to yourself or justify getting out. If that's what's happening then GET OUT! For your own sake I'm saying. I'm sure you're totally honest in everything you're saying, but here I am, reading things you said at different times during the same day, and they contradict one another, I assure you. So this just means that you don't know what you want or need and you have to figure it out first before you blame him for not meeting your needs - how can he possibly if YOU don't actually know what they are?
I don't want to go all righteous on you, but why wouldn't he have doubts about you as a mother in terms of future for the two of you or a step in terms of future with the skids if by your own admission he cooks, he cleans, he shops, he works, he pays the bills, and even has sex by himself? I don't know if you're religious and I'm actually not really religious myself, but I did look up vows for fun while writing this here: https://www.theknot.com/content/traditional-wedding-vows-from-various-re.... But assuming you had some vows or just some general affinity for the standard understandings, is he having/holding/comforting/keeping you in in sickness and otherwise? Are you reciprocating? Where in any of these are "and solemnly vow to integrate prior children lest my spouse reads into it and promise to eternally lie, cheat, and steal until my spouse gets more deer hide than my prior children or I breathe my last breath out in the hunting fields"? I am not saying it's your fault, not in the least, but why would you expect him to treat you as a wife as future mother of his children if you de facto not his wife. Again, I mean emotionally. Doesn't that mean you don't want to be his wife? Shouldn't you then tell him "I don't want to be your wife"? And if you don't want to be his wife, then maybe you just shouldn't worry too much about not meeting the skids just for that reason if not any others? I know it's surely all not that simple and surely I'm missing a bunch of stuff that's happening, but come on...
So before we all jump off the roof into an emptied pool (wish I had one), I'll just say you need to figure out where YOU stand first, then where you and he stand, and then start figuring out where and how the skids fit it. Unless you think he's just got ulterior motives altogether and is flat out lying to you, then just talk to him after you figure out what you really want. It will work out eventually.
Like I said up top, I did try to counter a lot of your points that didn't seem conclusive, so please don't take a lot of what I said personally - but do try to check your own perspective on things. Check it a lot. Keep checking it until you have all the facts straight to yourself as opposed to perceptions heavily weighed by your own history that has nothing to do with him or skids - that was one of the big problems both for myself and my wife. And then if you still have the same view of things, then RUN!!!

SheWho, I was waiting to see when you'd reply to DDad's novella.
Hate to say it but I think you may have misunderstood DDad. I think a few of us are saying that a different perspective may be needed. Let's say he wanted to meet your parents and your parents refused to meet with him for whatever reasons. Maybe they hate anyone from communist countries. Let's say you were telling your friend about it. Would you have told your friend "I am not allowing DH to meet my parents" or "My parents refuse to meet DH". Do you think he is lying that he asked SD and she refused? If not then call it what it is and go from there.
I don't know where you see a double standard. If you had kids (skids to him) and he insisted he meet them but didn't insist his kids meet you that would be a double standard. I think that an important point is that you were allowed to meet at least one skid so the story is not you're not allowed to meet skids or skids not allowed to meet you but you are allowed and they are allowed.
What are you now talking about your relationship with your Xs? Who would allow that? What do you mean by communication? How does he not allow that? Have you always been open with DH about talking to exes? Was he saying it's not a problem but later changed the ways? I don't know in which culture it is ok. Are exes all in solid relationships now? Have you introduced them all and let them all get to know each other with your DH and your ex's current partner before having communications separately and your ex's partner approved? If not then I can only tell you that I and every one of my girlfriends would've kicked our DH to the curb long ago if they did something like that. And the topic actually came up more than once. It's different with family. Do you think he would have same issue if he hadn't met some of your family. It probably even came up as it usually does.
I am not forgetting your DH not forcing the other skid to meet you but it's night and day from DH not allowing the sides to meet. I have seen that situation too for different reasons and it's much worse for all than what you describe. I don't think anyone is saying that it should not bother you. All step situations always bother everyone involved. But I think what DDad was saying about ultimatums and everything else is that you seem to be building and evaluating your relationship with DH by the skids situation and there seems to be no reason to do that and seems like you may have problems in the relationship itself that you need to resolve by itself. You're saying you don't know what the resistance is about. Resistance about what? Resistance to forcing the other skid to meet you? What many of us are asking is what is the point of forcing and saying it never leads anywhere good. If the skid infringed on your time or his attention to you then it would make some sense. But if it's not and you're saying it's not then it can only make his relationship with the skid worse. It will certainly not make it better. What are you expecting? That DH forces the skid to meet you she does and suddenly sees how wonderful you are? Not a snowball's chance in hell. It may not make it worse but it may and will not make it better. If it makes it worse he will resent you for it. Maybe he will be understanding and not resent you but it will not make your relationship with DH better. I'm not saying I don't understand where you're coming from. But let's say he does value you enough and you make the ultimatum and he forces a meet. Let's say it makes his relationship with the skid worse. So now you proved to yourself he values you but now he's angry at you because he has an issue with the skid that did not exist prior? Why would you want that even if it did what you want it to do?
I don't think DDad was saying your DH is living an epic tragedy at all. He was saying that it looks like your DH is in a tough spot aside from the skids issue. I think DDad was also talking about your own situation not being clear to yourself like you said in one place your DH is paying all bills for both of you but then say "my apartment" things like that. You're looking at it like financially the skids are intruding in your space but maybe you need to look at it like your DH is providing you with your shared space. Maybe take him up on it if he's offering to pay for your girlie things though just to feel better about it. You also keep changing the numbers now to 8k per month. What DDad was also saying if I got it right is controlling people would tend to not let you somehow keep the career where as you say you can still support yourself so DDad was not saying you cause the DH tragedy or any tragedy but just that he made sure that you can keep your job and your savings and spend all money you make on yourself.
To your basic question though a few of us are saying don't think of it like it's ok or not ok that he doesn't force the skid to meet you. It may be ok or not ok as you said many other issues and sides always exist. We're saying you haven't mentioned anything that would say that it's certainly not ok and there is something horrible going on that needs to be stopped. Nobody is blaming you for how you feel but it always happens in step situations. It is not ok in any case if he blames you for not seeing his kids but is he constantly bringing it up that he's not seeing them and it's your fault or it's just part of some discussion you had? That would make a huge difference.
From where I sit it just doesn't look like he's certainly insisting on an exclusionary relationship with the skids it looks like they do. And if that cut into your time or him emotionally taking care of you then maybe you should look at it like he's choosing them over you but you keep saying that it doesn't. So time and presence and emotional support wise he's providing you with no concerns on your part and he may provide them with what they need or maybe he doesn't provide them with what they need but why would you care about that? Let's say you have a child with your DH - why would you want to have 2 more children who are not yours to take care of instead of just focusing on your own one? In the ideal world sure everyone would be friendly and great and all but it's obviously not an ideal world already - from what you say you married DH at 36. First marriage. So obviously was not smooth sailing all your life before. Obviously he's divorced so same. Going back to what DDad was saying about it all being about money was not to say you're all about money. It was to say that the issue looks like it's coming down to your DH not providing life comforts to have a child. No one is arguing with you on that we don't know any better but we're saying that would be same issue if DH was not divorced and there were no skids in the picture. I'm suggesting as many are that you separate the issues - divide and conquer. Simply putting together what you and others said looks like you knew about income and skids and support orders and settlements up front. All these courts take years so even if some of it was sealed after you were together it started way before. Tell us if we made a mistake with numbers or ask but as it stands it looks like the support order is fair all things considered and he didn't offer more than was asked or rolled over as soon as the ex asked something so I'm simply saying there is nothing he can do about it. You're upset about it he's upset about it I bet the skids are upset about it and everyone else. The household splits many expenses double everyone is losing financially. So just let that part of it go unless we all got something wrong.
As for him blaming you that isn't right if he keeps bringing it up that's his problem to resolve and you shouldn't have to encourage him to see his own kids.
But you'll be much happier if you focus on what you want with him and not on what you want with them or with all of them. He should probably talk to them more so they know you're not going anywhere maybe. But if you're sure that he's not really neglecting them because of anything that you really did then don't blame yourself don't worry and they'll either come around eventually or stay out and either should be fine by you.
Just work on situation between him and you as that is what seems like bothering you by far the most really.

My oh my, walls'o'text.
Took me a while to catch up. What I've learned since last looking at this post is that the XW doesn't seem to be butting in, at least not openly. I know this is a venting site so guessing that not so many totally happy people here but have to say your situation definately seems so much better from all sides than most that I see here or elsewhere. It's awful that you don't feel like you can have a child at your age but as I read all responses and more information, I'm more and more convinced there aren't many issues but the one which is that your life just between you and DH is not where you thought it would be by now - not saying who's fault it is or that it's either of you. I also have to say that as someone else recently noted, it looks like the facts just keep changing and changing to make your "situation" seem worse and worse even though it seems better and better than I initially assumed as I read on. I'm sure there is nothing malicious on your part behind this, but have you considered if at some point you just switched from trying to solve the actual issue to just feeling wronged and occupying yourself with time and effort to make your DH wrong for the situation you're in regarding just you having a child of your own? Do you think you can deal with each issue on it's own or that's just not possible for you?

I read and re-read the whole thing just now. Wow. SheWho, I posted on Monday evening, not sure if you read it. Most of what I said and asked has been covered since, but one question I'm not clear on - do you have any concerns he wants to get back with his ex? I may share the concern in the above comment - you express yourself with a lot of anger (understandable) but over time it feels like it's shifting even more towards just anger. Between that and DDad's head bitten off for not much of anything maybe you really should consider that it's about just powerplay and your unfulfilled hopes at this point than real divides in the dynamic? Hate to pry but are you from a stable family yourself? Just brainstorming here but to be honest the thought has crossed my mind that maybe you have your own experience that makes you think some of the things that are happening are about him choosing sides when maybe it's not about that at all a lot of the time?

As a few posters said and as is my experience and as I've read many times in different places most skids default is to dislike or hate the step-parents. Often for now reason at all. I've read and heard time and again that skids think of the SM as having taken the father away from the BM. Or taken it away from them. I don't recall if you said but does the BM have an SO? If not then they live without a man in the house and "their" man is elsewhere. I don't mean in a weird way but simply as a person who brings the safety aspect into the house. It is only natural for them to at least not want to think or be reminded of it. It means nothing on its own. Have you considered this?

Or maybe as you said there is a reason coming from BM. Maybe if she's generally reasonable then it was smooth. Maybe if she realized he doesn't love her then she also honestly stated that she thinks they should split up. Doesn't mean that it's not painful for her. I see it all the time. Just because it's really smooth and mutual doesn't mean she wants her kids to socialize with you. Or maybe she doesn't even say anything but they're with her all the time and may overhear or maybe she's talking about it with her friends or family and it somehow got to the children? There is a million possibilities but why do you want to focus on the one where it means he prioritizes you less than them?

I do want to know if you feel he may want to get back with the BM.

Double standard - I do understand how you feel but even with all you added I see no double standard. You say you have a much more liberal take on being friends with exes - did you introduce them all and let him get to know them? I don't know what you've been reading or smoking but you have a much more liberal take on it than everyone else in the world. I'm sorry to say but to be honest you're comparing apples to oranges. You can't just can't mix it all together. He has to have basic communication with his ex. It's different when you have to like if you have a business together. But you say being friends with exes. Social is completely different from business. I realize you're talking about non exes friends too but that's a separate issue. 99% of people don't socially interact with exes and for the better.

No, you don't know what he created or your SD created or the BM created or a million other people around them. Learned that the hard way. It's awful not to know and be wondering but you don't know.

You changed many numbers and aspects as conversations went on not just the $7,500 to $8k. Case in point you were saying for a long time that he's always available to you when you need him but now in last reply you say "I'm just ill of him catering to her, whenever she wants him". If he was always catering to her and she was actively trying to keep him away you'd be barely seeing him ever. I'm just trying to help here to have you get our of your own head because she would be staying up herself day and night just to invent reasons for him to do something for her. I don't think you know how good you have it. Does he often say you can't have something because she needs something? And I mean over what he's giving already which I already know troubles you. For your own sake girlfriend you have no clue to the meaning of catering to be honest.

This blows your mind - apologies, this is a miscommunication I wasn't clear. What I was trying to say is let go of the part he's giving to them as it seems reasonable and pre-dating you by virtue of how things were when they were all together and laws and all that. I'm not saying let go of the part where you feel he's not providing for you. I think a lot of us are saying don't think about his total income or which part of it goes where for the parts that he can do nothing about. Just think about the part that's left and talk about that part with him and that's all. If that's not what you expected or what he said or what you need or feel you need that's all fine and maybe a very serious and true enough issue but just don't mix it with everything else. I happened to be discussing your case with a friend just now and she told me this. Let's say no exes in the picture no skids no divorces. It's just you and him before you got married discussing your life plans. And he figures he's making 110 and will be paying 10 in taxes and leaving 100 for you and him to live on. And then turns out taxes are 60 and only 50 are left to live on. Sure you may be mad at him for not doing the math right but in which world would you be crying your eyes out that he respects the government more than he respects you if he's paying his lawful taxes? Sure you may be saying that 50 that's left is not enough and that may or may not be a deal breaker that's a whole other story what my opinion is on that. But it has nothing to do with how he feels about you. If said that he feels our roads are in a horrible condition and so he'll be sending more taxes in than required and then you could say he's choosing paved roads over you. But at least on the financial side you have said nothing at all that is even a choice and because of it you can't read anything one way or the other into the choice - it isn't a choice. But don't get me wrong and I'm sorry if I offended you at all I didn't mean let go of the motherhood or even without that of the financial stability for the two of you or more of you if you decide to have more. Just saying that unless he's sending more than he has to the skids way just think of all that's left as if it's all there is and nothing is going elsewhere and don't complicate it. I know it's hard and I'm not blaming you for thinking about it the way you do but just honestly saying there's nothing anyone can do about a reasonable settlement. And you haven't said what you think of the numbers. A lot of us were providing comments and links and when I thought of the formula he would've paid sum total over the years and how he just put it up front but a much lower total sum it makes sense to me.

Why won't you just remove yourself from the skids part of the picture and that will let you focus on your and his part of the picture? I think it was suggested more than once before that perhaps you wanted to remove yourself from the picture for a while and are rationalizing it through the skids aspect?

Caveat: By no means have I read every word of this thread.

Just want to say a few things.

1. Yes, your dh is wrong to allow his kid to dictate the situation. But that makes him an ineffectual parent, not a mean person. Ineffectual parenting is why we are all here. Some of us divorce over it, many of us don't.

2. I can definitely see why it hurts you. You feel demonized in a way and that is hard to live with psychologically every day and cumulatively it's worse. On top of that, these agents of demonizing are somehow "responsible" for you being in debt you did not earn, money flying out the door, and essentially "causing" your childlessness. Yes, that's all painful.

3. I love your analogy of massaging the whole knot. However, that model presupposes you CAN untangle the entire thing and nothing less will do. Marriage does not lend itself to that. You've got to accept, forgive, avert your eyes, forgive, give A for effort, sigh, and forgive yet again.

Assuming the remaining 70-80 percent of the time you are happy/content/comfortable you will have a pretty good marriage. Having NO problem at any time--or making all problems dependent on each problem--is an unrealistic goal when both parties are human.

4. The girl not meeting you is painful. But given her level of hostility and her dad's ineffectual parenting, I believe you would be opening yourself up for far more pain if you let her into your life.

Is it possible for you to change your internal dynamic? Tell yourself every day you are so grateful not to have a teen girl in your house leaving soiled hygiene products everywhere, rolling her eyes at you, insulting you openly, finding new ways to divert Daddy's attention, dominating the entire atmosphere of the house? Sometimes the choice we get is between unpleasant and unbearable, not between bad and good.

Finally, I agree all your marriage dissatisfactions have been bottled up into the jar with SDs name on it. In other words, even if you got a few play dates with this girl, your marriage would still be unsatisfactory to you. Your life is not moving forward as planned. I recommend you forget this kid and concentrate on one thing--how do I see my life and am I likely to create that vision with this cast of characters?

P.S. Please drop the one about your dh not wanting to hurt his girls by letting them get attached to you and then possibly breaking up with you. That is conjecture of the extreme sort -- not allowed in court! He married you--take that for what it is. If he was so desperate to protect their fee fees from this kind of thing he would not have divorced their mother. That theory can't fly, if you ask me.