The only place I can vent
So you guys know that my husband was pretty sick, underwent a liver transplant almost 2 years ago. It was horrible for both of us. I have been incredibly nurturing and generous to him, always welcomed his kids into my life until they began behaving horribly. Here's the problem, although I love my husband he is the type of person where we get along fine until or unless I confront him about something. This is been a problem for years and yes, he has been verbally abusive to me in past years although not so much recently. I feel like he has an awful lot to be grateful for, not only that he's alive but that he has a wife who has been so kind and caring to him. Not to mention the fact he hasn't worked a job in quite a few years and collects no disability which means I pay for everything. Well on our way home from my moms at Easter he was driving. He knows I'm a nervous passenger as I had a bad accident a couple years ago. We were coming up on our exit and he was going pretty fast and my body language show that I was afraid and I asked him to slow down. He immediately copped that nasty defensive attitude with me and before you know it it's a full-fledged fight with cursing and name calling on both of our parts. I've been on the receiving end of this many a times. Not only is that bad enough but when I couple it with the fact that he would never dream of speaking to his precious spawn, no matter how bad they are, in this manner, makes it even worse. So, I basically threw him out today. He refused to apologize to me and told me that I am the problem. I told him that until or unless he can take responsibility for what he did, apologize for it and get into some counseling to start managing his temper, I want out. I literally made him pack his bags and leave. He loves to play the victim but I've just had enough of it. There's truly no where else that I can vent. I can't tell my family cause they'll hold it against me if we do try to work it out. I don't know, I'm just exhausted and feel so many years of resentment built up in me. Thanks for listening guys, there's really not much to say except that it's in my court. I have to find a way to let him know he cannot treat me like this anymore. We get along wonderfully as long as there's no issues. He's kind considerate and helpful and loving but heaven forbid you confront him about something, even as innocent as would you please slow down, All hell breaks loose. Seems like a major psychological problem to me. It was very bad before he got sick and I almost divorced him, and then the axe fell where he was critically ill and I felt I couldn't. So I dug my heels in and was his rock through all of it. Thanks for listening guys
I am a nervous passenger just
I am a nervous passenger just like you and my body language gives me away also. My DH knows it and takes it in stride. I prefer to drive myself, then I am fine. The real problem is that your husband is not concerned about you, he is annoyed and then rude - he does not strike me as kind and considerate. How did you confront him? You did not - you were involuntarily reacting to his fast driving.
May be you need to be away from him in order to rethink what you expect from your partner. It's not about him owing you or him treating his kids better, it's about what you will or won't tolerate.
Thanks guys I appreciate the
Thanks guys I appreciate the support. And that is absolutely correct it is about what I will and will not tolerate. That keeps playing over and over in my mind I shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone let alone my husband and I guess I do feel that on top of all that happened he of all husbands should be more than happy to slow down if I ask him to. He's had this pattern for years and with the woman he was with prior to meeting me, not his ex. I allowed him to treat me this way for years, kept taking him back with just an apology, but I agree there has to be actions and not words. He used to play the guilt card like I'm supposed to feel badly because of his physical condition. Well, he's much better now and if at this point he doesn't know how to take his medicine like an adult, I'm afraid that's his problem. I feel like I'm tired of being a mommy instead of a wife. Let him go sleep at his precious daughters house and he can tell her what a shrew he's married to. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen. The daughter who visited him one time in three months he was fighting for. They deserve some time with each other. And I will take some time in my peaceful house to think about what I want. Funny thing is that I almost always drive. And he does the exact same thing, in fact he is the world's worst and most annoying backseat driver. But even so I have never once yelled at him because of it. If anything I just calmly ignore it. The only reason I drove with him was because we took the dogs with us and he has an SUV, should've known it would turn into a disaster!
Oh heck you are right my
Oh heck you are right my husband that passed was verbally abusive and it took me lots of counseling. Be sure you do that for yourself .
Thank you Just Wow, that's
Thank you Just Wow, that's how I feel....just wow! I take care of you, literally wiping your rear end, lol, on many occasions and now you're better and you treat me like that because I ask you to slow down! I don't care if he was going 15 mph, if you can see your wife is nervous and she asks you to slow down......slow the fxxx down you jerk! Yeah, go hang with daughter and see how that goes! I don't feel the least bit guilty for making him leave. I just won't tolerate it. He won't confront his thief of a son who stole the entire profit from the last job he did before his transplant but can talk to me like that.....no more. Let his kids pay his bills! I have never met someone who has so much to be grateful for who can be such a jerk! I'd rather be alone than live like this. He will eventually call and want to come home and you know what, I'm gonna tell him NO, Call me when you've made an appointment with a therapist and I'll meet you there. I'm not playing this time. You want to talk to me like that, find another place to live!! Thanks guys!!
"Let his kids pay his bills!"
"Let his kids pay his bills!" I will bet that very soon he will be begging to come back. I wouldn't let him set foot in your home until he gets his priorities straight, apologizes, and agrees to a list of what you will and will not allow. But then again, you might start liking your stress-free life so much you may tell him to take a permanent hike. You are right. He is not being respectful of you at all. Hang in there and don't back down. I hope you Please keep us up to date with this. Good luck
Thank u! And you know what
Thank u! And you know what he'll do too....he'll call and say he's sick! He knows how 100% on top of his medical care I am, so much more so than he is and he knows that will get my attention. This time I'll say "0h you're sick,.....call the dr, not me!!!!
Thanks guys! I appreciate so
Thanks guys! I appreciate so much being able to share here! Great advice and it helps so much!!
Thank you! I'm not sure I
Thank you! I'm not sure I was legally able to really kick him out, but he obviously doesn't know that!! And now that he is physically not here, there's no way he's coming back in without some proof that he's had this wake up call. No one should have to put up with such an attitude, but you're right. With everything that I've been through with this man and his kids and the financial strain and everything else that I plowed through, the fact that he even THINKS to speak and ill word to me makes me lose all respect for him. Thanks so much everyone. What a great place this is!
Yes, lol! Come on over!!
Yes, lol! Come on over!! Party here!!
Ruby, I think you've got
Ruby, I think you've got yourself a narcissist there.
Please google it and see if the red flags match your DH. A BIG one is they cannot bear criticism. He has probably trained you over the years not to confront him (even on minor points that would be nothing to a 'normal'), and so this why you get along most of the time. Yes, narcissists can be very charming - especially in the beginning and always to people 'outside'.
He will probably weedle his way back into your life, but one thing is sure - he will never change.
Much love.
Yes, I agree. He's a
Yes, I agree. He's a narcissist in many ways, and underneath incredibly insecure. Has a persecution complex. If you look at him sideways he feels attacked! I'm so tired of it!!