He should just go by himself. Tell him it is good for their relationship to spend time together. As long as it is not too often where you feel snubbed ALL the time.

Do you really want to go where you are not wanted?

My SD (37 yrs old) is like that too. and I say he can have her all to himself. I want nothing to do with her.

Oh yes. He is absolutely right. I would not tolerate anyone, even my own spawn, excluding my bride. We are a team and a package deal.

That said, I do send my bride to visit her family and mine quite frequently without me. I would go if my work schedule would allow it. It is probably a good thing that I am not available for frequent trips to the land of my ILs.

When it comes to the IL clan my presence is a mixed bag. We have a good time visiting the ILs but ...... I tolerate no manipulative, whiney, entitlement bullshit and they tend to walk on pins and needles when I am around because they know I will call them on shit like fleecing money out of an aunt and not paying it back, begging for charity from the hospital regarding the birth of yet another spawn they can't afford, complaining about not being able to feed their kids but sporting and bragging about their newest expensive tattoo, etc, etc. etc..........

I am leaving in a few hours to join my bride to renew our vows on our 20th in her home town. I will be there tomorrow. My FIL wants to talk to me about something in private and will not discuss it on the phone. I am confident it is something that I will not support and will play my usual "you have got to be kidding me" card. Hopefully I am wrong but I am prepared none the less.

Oh yes. He is absolutely right. I would not tolerate anyone, even my own spawn, excluding my bride. We are a team and a package deal.

^^^ I agree with RAgs. You are a team and the children on both sides need to understand that from the get go!!!

With that being said, I feel that it should be the spouses choice of whether or not they WANT to be included.

In other words, it should always be the spouses choice to go or not but they should NEVER be automatically EXCLUDED!!!

IMO, If the skids are pulling the EXCLUSION card on the sparent then the parent should not go either! That is childish and manipulative behavior and should not be rewarded.

My husband has the same policy. He doesn't go if Katielee is not invited. If he ever went somewhere without me because SD12 wanted him to, I think I would be so hurt I'd tell him where to put it. He is setting a precedent now for things to come in the future. If she is allowed to exclude me now from little stuff like school plays and ballgames, then she will feel free to exclude me from graduations, weddings, other shit in the future. Uh... hell no. Hubby and I are a team... BFF's. We go to stuff together or we stay home together. But WE are together.

I totally agree with Echo on every point. Let your dh have a relationship with his daughters on his own. Expect nothing from your SDs and you won't be disappointed. Adult SKs are hard...some will accept the new spouse, some won't. But, what IS important is that these SKs have a relationship with their bioparents. My dh has sons, I have daughters and my DDs aren't real fond of dh and I'm not real fond of HIS sons. (Long story.)We tend to do things separately with our own adult children except at holidays. We are totally a non-blended family...too many differences, so this works for us. I agree that your dh should just let this go and maintain a relationship with his daughters that doesn't include you. I'd do exactly what Echo said...find something fun of your own to do while he's with his daughters. I PREFER to stay home and let dh go out with his sons and resent it when he makes me feel guilty if I don't want to go, and dh knows my daughters prefer "alone time" with their mother, so always bows out. So, don't feel bad. I agree with the others...why would you want to subject yourself to young women whom you know don't want you there?

I'm with SA, cattleluce and Echo. Why go anywhere you're not wanted?

For 13 years I put up with 6 adults golden eggs BS and NO MORE!!! and DH finally realizes that I am done! This past weekend DH spent alot of time with 2 adult SSs away from home and without me. I was so happy to finally have a "ME" weekend. I told DH before he left on Saturday "I love you, have a great time, and don't bring SSs home!" And he understood.

Just got word last night that SD29 is coming home this weekend for a week, and DH and her will be bonding unfortunately, here at our home. I kindly reminded DH that I am not going to tolarate any BS or have the wonderful golden egg here for pickup or dropoffs. I told you - I WAS DONE! It took me 13 years and LOTS of ST to realize that these golden eggs will never accept me and DH's marriage, so F**k them and let me be happy.

Jul, you need to find your level of tolerance and what you are going to put up with!

Good luck!

I agree with Rags, when you are married you are a unit. The marriage takes precedence over all invitations, events, etc. My DH can visit or go out to dinner SD any time he wants - except on the day of a holiday, our birthdays, our anniversary, or any time that is important to us as a couple. However, if SD does not want to be around me then she and DH can visit in a location other than my home. I will never again accommodate someone who does not respect me.

Your DH is supportive of you and is trying to demonstrate that to his daughters. And even thought your SDs are acting like spoiled little brats, they are still adults. You wrote that you have been nothing but nice to them and they keep rejecting you. Do yourself a favor: Start believing in mutual respect. You are too good of a person to be in the company of these a$$es. And make sure you let them know you have no desire to be around them either.

you husband has a mind and will of his own...

Many of us read with envy how lovely it is to see a man stand up and challenge other adults who try to create division in his marriage...no matter who the adult is....Can you imagine any other adult couple saying that to their friends? Don't bring your spouse...you're kidding me!

Then why on earth should they make the gesture towards you? I get it they are adults...aren't we all?...with that being said...I would give them what they are asking for...which is absolutely nothing to do with the lot of them...If they cannot accept the fact that the two of you chose to marry...that is THEIR problem...not yours...they are adults and should be grown up enough to handle it...they are not children...

I would applaud your husband and thank him for standing up for your relationship...He does have a mind of his own, and even though his opinion may not be popular...at least he is being honest with them up front...whether they agree is irrelevant...they choose to exclude themselves with that kind of attitude...I would thank them for their honesty and then draw healthy boundaries so they do not have the opportunity to come between you and your man.

Too many wimpy dh's do not have the courage to be honest with their children...I think that breeds misunderstanding, entitlement issues, false pretenses, double mindedness, division...on and on and on just because they cannot tell them how they really feel..Oh we hear it all right...behind the backs of their children day after day...Why don't they just own their true feelings and tell them for crying out loud...It may not be popular...but at least everyone will know where they stand on the subject...

My dear...you have the higher seat of authority...you have nothing to prove...no one to win over...He has shown his true feelings..If he is willing to tell them like it is and risk His relationship with them to support you and honor you to them...I would definitely support him back...He is not wrong...He is a statesman not a politician..and that is honorable...It isn't about who likes it...it is about doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do...

So many of us have been thrown under that bus because our DH's didn't have the nerve to stand in the position that is afforded them...and that is partially why the step kids are so incorrigible to deal with...there was no one to say ...that's MY WIFE you are referring to.....but, in essence.. he did...how beautiful for you...I am jealous.

Is he wrong? Hell no sister...He could never be so right....it is true they are adults and they can choose for themselves..but if they feel that way..then they can just stay away....It is time for them to migrate into adulthood like the rest of us...(they are still acting like 10 year olds)...and it is not your problem...nor is it your job to change their minds...their loss...not yours.

I have to disagree with the advice to "Not take it personal" Excuse me it IS personal...a personal attack against your marriage and your personhood...We have become so calloused to the "This is normal treatment that we step moms can expect" NO..absolutely not...wrong answer...i don't think so...not on my watch...not today, or any other day of the week...this is not acceptable treatment ...we do not have to become the "rug" for them to take all their baggage out on...We didn't cause it,,,we are not to blame,,,we did nothing to deserve that kind of apathy mental abuse bs...wrong answer....It is the core damage that has occurred with the failed marriage that drives this kind of behavior...and if you allow it...they will eat you for lunch today and spit you out tomorrow, wipe their mouths off and then act like they did nothing wrong...

I am sorry..but most of us have had tough childhoods and come out of it with our own personal obstacle course to overcome...If they are allowed to bully their parents, and try to manipulate their marriages...then we are just as guilty when we don't take a stand for ourselves...we become the enablers by allowing their intimidation and manipulation to continue...

I agree with the posters who said it was great to hear of a DH having this opinion; this would be encouraging that he recognized their bullshit and wanted to confront it in the spirit of supporting his wife. Too many of us do not see DHs with this much independence of mind. But in your shoes Jul I'd leave it there and leave him entirely alone to decide what he wants to do. For myself I'm with the SA approach of not bothering much with the skids unless there is some particular reason for meeting them, that has a practical benefit. I think of the skids as my DH's expensive hobby in which I have no stake. I certainly have better things to do than spend time with them. So I'd be happy to say to such a DH, "You know that's such a weight off my mind they said that, they really have made my life hell thus far and so I'm happy for them to not want to see me any more. But I wouldn't dream of stopping you going along, though if you feel strongly about how they have treated me of course you must deal with that too in whatever way you think best". If he totally abandoned the relationship with them at that point I would definitely worry whether he was doing the right thing for his own self; and if he met up but also confronted them I would think this might be the better way to go, so that the three of them could develop their relationship into a new understanding about what is step family life. But that would have nothing to do with me.

Your husband is awesome to put you and your marriage first! I have two ss's and ss27 has two kids. They don't exclude me from everything but I don't include myself in everything either. The other night ss27 wanted to come over with the grands for dinner. I happened to be out with my kids and DH wanted me to rush home so I would be included and probably to whip up some dinner. It was sweet but I told them to proceed without me and order out. I am more than happy for him to spend time alone with his kids and grands.

If I were you I would gladly send dh off to his daughters while I went to coffee with friends or whatever.