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Delphi's picture

Hi All,

I didn't see any forum for new members, so just thought I'd introduce myself here. I just found this website and it's a relief to come here and read everyone's stories, gain some perspective, and just be able to relate to others in a similar situation.

So just my background. I'm recently married (almost a year) to a wonderful man with a daughter of 12. She's a really good kid. Quite nice and well behaved. I just am having a real hard time adjusting. I don't have any kids of my own, and we have her each weekend. Her mother and her live about a half hour away and fortunately for me, I don't hear anything from her. My husband really hates BM...so there's that. So I don't have to worry about any "competition" or anything. And BM has been in a long-term relationship with a man with kids for I dunno...almost 10 years now - so she's preoccupied with that relationship and his kids I believe.

I dunno - all in all I just try and stay out of it all. But I feel it's so awkward. We don't have a big place. I moved into DH's place. I lived in my own apartment prior to our marriage...and I have to say, I was really used to it. Here, there's this open floor plan, and it's just hard to get away. I feel holed up in our tiny bedroom most of the time on weekends because his daughter comes over and just sorta sprawls out in the TV room and does her thing. It's not really because she's taking over - I just have such a hard time making my presence known around her. I don't want to upset her so I hide a lot. She'll sometimes corner me and talk and talk...I know she is just trying to be friendly - I just sometimes don't care! Or other times, I don't know how to say "sorry, I have to do something." It's just really awkward. I don't know if I just suck at this or what. My husband is understanding, but he also treats her with kid gloves. She does NO chores - none. Bringing her dirty dishes to the sink I guess are her chores. And every weekend is spent driving her from one place to the next. I know she doesn't get to see him much, so I give them plenty of Daddy and daughter time. I just sorta remove myself from the situation.

Anyone else feel like this? I feel like it's not my home. More like I'm a stranger here. When she said she was "happy for you to come live with us" I was happy but also confused. I mean, I'm married now. But I still feel like I'm the visitor. When does it feel like home? Ever? I'm naturally shy - and I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, so I don't know if that has something to do with it. My own mother was abusive and crazy, so the whole mother/daughter thing or stepmother/daughter thing just doesn't come to me. Plus I had no sisters - only 3 brothers growing up - so I've always found it easier to relate to guys.

I don't know. It's just really hard. Thanks for listening... Smile

Delphi's picture

Thanks for your comments and quick reply! Smile Unfortunately moving isn't an option now as we're strapped financially, and we won't be able to leave this house for ages.

I might be able to find some similar interests...it's just - she's super competitive. She excels in school and that's great - but even when playing games with her, she always has to win...and if she doesn't, she'll make up some excuse or change the rules as to why she didn't. It's no big deal really - I mean she's 12. But it does annoy me on some level. It's different too, 'cause she's an only child so she gets so much attention and it's weird for me as I grew up with 3 siblings so I'm not used to parents hanging out with kids. I let her Dad spend so much time with her, and I exit the equation...but when we are together, I feel she's always intently watching us...observing our every move. If we kiss in front of her I can feel her eyes on me or she'll say "Awwwww" - I mean, maybe she just doesn't know how to fit in, but it feels weird. I don't know...I'm trying to think back. I've known her since she was 10...it was kinda easier then. But now I just don't know how to be around her. I feel I can't/shouldn't discipline her - I don't really wanna go there. She's very dependent on my husband. Unfortunately we live in a place where she can't just go outside and play - and she doesn't have any friends around here - the closest ones are like a half hour away. So it's a lot of carting her to her friends' houses on weekends. I guess it's just nice to have a place to vent - thanks again for your advice and listening. Smile

Delphi's picture

Thanks...I'll make this a priority. I think you're right. I will try and get the move done sooner than later...it won't be happening real soon - but I think it's a good idea too, and hearing yours and others' feedback reminds me of what really needs to be done, and that it will be the best solution. At least it'll be something to look forward to too. The problem is DH is unemployed right now, so it can't happen too soon...but at least I can have a solution in mind. Thanks for your advice! Smile

Delphi's picture

And just an example of some little annoyances...there are pics of DH and his daughter all over the house... I mean everywhere. But just the other day I finally put up a pic of the three of us. But then that weekend SD put this creation she made of the first letter of her first name right in the middle of the living room over the TV - like right, front and center. It really doesn't go with anything. It's made of like, Popsicle sticks. I'm afraid to move it for fear she'll get pissed...and I know she put it there for a reason. I just feel like I'm getting pushed out of this home - but maybe I'm just not assertive enough? Maybe I should just start redecorating myself or putting up pics of DH and me around? Would that be weird? I have no idea what my rights are?

mannin's picture

It's your right to decorate your home the way you want and you should.

I created an art area for all of my SS's artworks, so that it isn't all over the house. You could do that and I would remove the letter Popsicle thing.

You need to step out of your comfort zone a bit and make some changes for you and your environment or face being awkwardly unhappy.

Delphi's picture

Phew! Thanks guys - it's so good to get some recognition! When I've mentioned these issues to my husband he got all upset - then I became afraid to bring anything up 'cause it would upset him so much. I felt like Catch 22 - damned if I do, damned if I don't. You're right. I am the woman of the house. I should get some respect. I have to stop hiding.

Delphi's picture

Yeah you have a good point. I don't think DH would care one way or another if I moved it or put it in her room...I'm just wondering what SD will say? She might get pissed. The other thing that kinda drives me batty is that in this small, open-floored house we have, there's a piano. So you can imagine... SD will start banging away at it at any random time...and it's loud. And you can hear it everywhere. My DH is I guess used to this, so he doesn't say anything...but I have to say it annoys the hell out of me. Luckily she's not playing it as much as before, but she still will just randomly start playing chopsticks. Or, she'll sit in the TV room watching Disney all day. And that's loud too. In fact they're out there together watching TV now and I can hear it. While I'm holed up in the room. I know it's not functional. The thing is, I don't want to watch TV. I'm not much of a TV watcher. But it's ALWAYS on when she's here. ALWAYS. I feel like I can't get away from any of this. It's like being in a prison.

Delphi's picture

Thanks - I really really appreciate your advice and for helping me laugh! Biggrin I am just so not used to this, it's nice to hear advice from other Stepmoms and Biomoms on how to handle kids. My DH is the ultimate Disney Dad. He gets her whatever she asks for, lets her eat whatever she wants. He's afraid to say no to her. In turn, I've become afraid to give any advice or discipline. I guess I've just needed to feel validated and coming here has already really helped. I like your idea of a set-time to practice piano. And rocking out to MY CD - GOD forbid - I can only imagine the shock they'll have! Biggrin

Sunflower1's picture

Welcome! At 12 if she's talking to you that's a good thing! (Provided its not rude). We have pretty similar stories. For me, I work weekends so the akward times are less noticeable. Rather than staying cooped up in your room, is there a class you can take or go for a walk?

Orange County Ca's picture

She can be provided with earphones for listening to TV also which allows the public sound to be turned completely off. It's almost weird - the TV is on, the kid starts laughing out of nowhere and you realize she's watching TV. Same with anything that makes noise - computer - audio player - game console - etc. Insist that ear phones be used or she uses it in her room.

Insist that her TV be limited - its better for the kid anyway - if Daddy balks at that insist that your TV time have priority keeping in mind that perhaps your TV equipment can allow you to record shows you want to see. Be reasonable about it as she's only there for the weekend.

Tell Daddy that you want the visit changed to 2 a month. Perhaps 2 weekends and one Sunday dinner at a restaurant near her home which you can attend or not. It is your home also and you do have rights so gently but forcefully use them.

Sparklelady's picture

Welcome!

It's really important you set boundaries because this is YOUR home. That's not to be confused with discipline - leave that to dad (but still insist he follows through!)

Rules of the house? Think about her as your new little roommate. NOT as his special daughter. What do you need and expect from a roommate? Respect (she seems to show that to you, so yay!) an understanding of shared space (not so much, by what you've written) and sharing in household tasks (again, not her strong area!)

So layout with your husband what you need, and be specific. Do not be timid, this is your home too!

For example:

Noises: set times to allow it when it is tolerable to YOU (no piano playing except to practice at xx o'clock. Wear your headphones to watch tv in the morning, etc.) whatever YOU need.

Household chores: she NEEDS to participate for the good of her future. It's valuable lesson time. Plus, to feel she has a stake in the place, she has to have responsibility too. My kids and skids only have 1 chore per week, that takes about 20 minutes. And saves me an hour and headaches. Have her pick her most favourite chore, but she must so something! And everyone does the cleaning at the same time ( no one sits and watches tv while others work. That's not cool.

Putting your stamp on the home: pick two or three things she has put in public rooms that YOU like (or can stomach lol) and when she is not there take all the other ones and put them in her room. I would suggest that you hang them all in a special place in her room, so that she feels they are still important - but that is up to you. In my experience, it has been proven to me that 12-year-old girls will just allow things to sit in a pile and never actually do anything with them. So you may be doing her a favour if you were to hang up all her pictures on her wall and make it look pretty. Then take the two or three items of hers that you like, and incorporate them with your own interior design ideas of your new home.

Future "Artwork" which are aka attempts at demonstrating her position as the woman of the house: well for starters, putting artwork on the TV is obviously ridiculous. But your stepdaughter knows that this is ridiculous, so just have a good laugh and say "we can't leave it there, can we?" And then suggest she put it in her room, and TAKE it there! (this particular maneuver is key actually, anything you don't want laying around, you must physically pick it up and remove it. Do not make the mistake of telling someone to move it. You will drive yourself crazy doing that, because they will not move it.). Just do it with a smile!

Finally, get her involved in a free community class of some sort, that dad must take her to. Just an hour with them out of the house will bring you immense peace, and will force him to spend one on one time with her without the TV babysitting. Most public libraries offer free movie rentals. You could even send them to the library together to pick out a movie for you all to watch. Anything to encourage them to do something together and get out of the house.

You are starting out well, but don't be timid. This is your happiness, your future. It will NOT get better if you pretend it's not happening.

tired and stressed's picture

I would get her a TV for her room with a DVD player. She my not use it now, but when she gets a little older she will and it will allow you some time to yourself. We have 2 couches in our family room and the Skids would lay down and take over. Initially during the years that they lived here, I would walk away, but now I don't care and make them move. I know this sounds childish, but when I knew the skids were coming over, I would plop myself in front of the TV and pause whatever show I was watching if I had to get up for something. They all had TVs in their room so it forced them to go upstairs and not take over our family room.
Regarding the pictures, I agree with others she can not take over your house with her stuff. She can have a few things out and explain that when new things are made, she can exchange them. Everything else goes in her room.
I moved into the marital home too, always made me feel like the outsider. I moved in 10 years ago, I have slowly made it my own. The 1st thing was a new bed, we got that while we were still dating. New couches, paint, carpet,...all done slowly, but it is finally becoming more my house.
You are lucky, so far she is being "nice" to you, it will change once she hits her teenage years.

JacksGal's picture

You seem to get along well with her, that's great! She likes you, that's even better! I think some of it is that you're still getting used to people in your space and accommodating others in your movements around the house... and it's new space which makes it even harder. I totally get it, I had the same thing when I moved into my BF's house. I was with him when he bought it, but didn't actually make the official move for a few months. Everything in here has my stamp on it, but yet it didn't feel like home for a really long time. I felt smothered some days, but once I realized that I needed to be alone sometimes, because it was what I was used to, I didn't feel guilty about staying up after BF went to bed for alone time, going in the bedroom and closing the door to watch TV, etc. The best thing was, making a point to get out of the house when the skids were here. Just get out and drive or go to the store...without anyone else. I got mani/pedi's very often back then. LOL It kind of pushed the suffocating demons back for awhile. Needing it lessened over time on it's own, but when I start getting that feeling to this day, I find something else to do or somewhere else to go and don't feel guilty about it. It's liberating. Smile

LittlePanda's picture

It sounds to me like you've got the right idea. She is there to see her dad and bond with him. If I were you, for your own sanity, I would just stay out of it like you already are.

Eventually you and your husband will probably have children of your own and move into a different house.

Everything will fall into place, don't you worry. You are doing fine so far especially if she doesn't hate you.

JustAgirl42's picture

Aaarrgggghhh!! The frickin' DISNEY channel and taking over of the family room...constantly! I can't wait until that phase is over.

My SD doesn't have any chores either, but why should she, she's only here half the time (being sarcastic).

Delphi's picture

Smile Wow thanks everyone for your kind comments, advice and taking the time to write! I really appreciate it. Smile It's good to hear words of wisdom from folks going through the same thing. I made my presence more known today...actually went out into the living room and flipped the TV to what I wanted to watch - surprisingly (or maybe not), it went over quite well. I totally caved on the Popsicle art though... SD actually pointed it out to me today and said "look what I made when my friend was here" - I was like "oh - that's cool," and left it where it was. Totally lame I know. I need to get a spine...so it's still sitting front and center in the living room. I'll move it though. I suppose practice will make perfect - once I start asserting myself more, we'll see how SD responds and if she still likes me. I know I'm "easy" to live with, but that's because I don't assert myself at all. So that's my problem - something I need to work on. Again thanks everyone for all the advice and taking the time to respond and say "hi"! Smile I'm going to try and get some of my own activities on the weekends so I can be out of the house at times - I like that idea. Also I plan to just start redecorating. I think seeing more of my things around will make it seem more like home. Anyway - enough of me. I don't want to take up any more time about my drama here. Smile Thanks again for everyone's advice - I will post more issues as they come up I'm sure...but for now maybe I can offer some help to others on other threads - so thanks!!! Already I'm feeling more positive. Smile

stepmom29's picture

You and I are in the same boat. I've been dating my long term boyfriend (the love of my life) for over three years now. When I first moved in with him, there are pictures and drawings all over the places. The house was previously decorated by the stupid BM and she has absolutely no taste! The house looks crazily ugly. It just looks like his ex wife, like a Christmas tree.

BM doesn't give me any problems because she is also preoccupied with her own life. I have to give her credit where credit is due. She is a decent BM who doesn't give us troubles as long as we don't give her any troubles (we never do) My boyfriend hates her, so I at least have nothing to worry about.

The only differences between you and I is that my boyfriend's daughter is truly spoiled and she doesn't behave like a good kid at all. I'd rather hide in the bedroom when she visits. She wants my boyfriend all to herself and she comes to see him every other week. The whole week is just weird. I have been dealing with this situation for three years and I still have troubles adjusting.

Thinking about dealing with this kid for another 10 something years get me really depressed. I feel I only have my boyfriend half of the time. She has a weird medical condition and needs some kind of medical attention. There are a lot of food she simply cannot eat and I have to cook two different kinds of dishes when she is around.

Annoying, annoying, annoying. The house still doesn't look like mine although I redecorated. She has to have her pictures all over the places, the pictures with my boyfriend. Her stupid ugly drawings are all over the wall and I just hate seeing them.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Go out to a craft-type or decorating store and find a large pretty box. Or maybe even one of those "under the bed" kinds of things. Tell your SD that you really like her artwork and her projects, and so you've got this box to store them in. That way, when she is older and all grown up, you will give them back to her and she can see all the cool stuff she made when she was young - maybe she can even keep them to show her own kids some day!

Since you do seem to have a good relationship, and this young girl is trying to include you in her life (talking, etc.) try to capitalize on that. Maybe one day per month when she visits, just the two of you could do something together. Go to a craft store and do a project, take in a piano/music concert somewhere, etc. Find something that you can bond over.

I am envious of you, in a way. My SO's skids never showed any interest in me whatsoever, and still don't and they are grown adults now. All I really wanted was for them to at least communicate with me as a human being and show a little interest. But I never got it. You are lucky in that regard.

dpk's picture

Welcome, I'm new here too. I am SD to three girls with no biological children of my own. They are 12, 10, and 8 now. I met their mother after getting divorced from their dad 4 years ago. It was a tough transition from living in my own condo as a single guy to being married with 3 stepdaughters. It hasn't been all smooth sailing though, the oldest girl, now 12, is very protective of her father and is essentially refusing to have a relationship with me. I have a great relationship with the other two. The oldest one is, at times, disrespectful towards me and sometimes her mother. She is not happy that her parents got divorced and no happier that her mother got remarried. Her biological father is not a bad guy although he is not a great father. He financially supports them but is not a "hands on" type of guy. The girls have very little emotional connection with him, especially the youngest two.

Well, as I said, I am new here and wanted to start out with an introduction. I will post more soon. I am hopeful that this will be a useful site for me as a fairly new stepdad.

Delphi's picture

Hi! Welcome new folks too and thanks for writing! Smile I think a large part of whether or not stepkids "like" or can even deal with you, has to do with a few things. a) how old they are when you met them b) how long the parents were divorced before you met them c) if the BM or BD was or is dating/married before you came into the picture d) how functional BM or BD is as a person e) how function the SD or SS is.

In my regard, SD likes me I think...because a) her parents divorced when she was 3 so she has no remembrance of their marriage before b) both her BM and BD were dating long before I came along. My DH had dated quite a few women before I met him, so SD had been introduced to quite a few girlfriends before I entered the picture. When I met her, I was just another girlfriend...but fortunately, one she liked - of course SD is a pretty laid-back kid - and she is highly successful in school and not one you even have to ask to do homework - she just does it and is on top of it. She's also got extra-curricular activities she's way into. She has way more of her sh*t together than I did at her age. That must have more to do with BM because although DH is a great Dad and loves her very much, he's no disciplinarian...so I'm guessing BM has more to do with that. And BM has her own career, and she's successful at that, and she's had this man she's been dating for years so that keeps her busy, and functional, I believe.

Of course BM and DH really don't like each other - their marriage ended in a really bad way (due to BM's infidelity) so there's that. But they manage to work it out for SD's sake (thank God). So I realize I'm very lucky in this regard.

But I think a huge deal is whether or not the Skids think you're "breaking up their parent's marriage" or in some way, spoiling a chance of their getting back together. In my case, SD never held out that hope, and I wasn't the first woman to be introduced to her. Like I said...fortunately for me, she was used to other women dating her Dad - and for that I'm grateful.

I feel for people who don't have that. So this forum is excellent for folks to come and just talk and vent - and to give advice. I read that book "Stepmonster" which was really great too - just to feel validated. If you haven't read that - I suggest you do. Anyway - I think this site is great, and I'm looking forward to posting more. I think it's a great thing to have a place where folks who are in the same or at least somewhat similar boat can come and vent and get advice. Smile