Feeling used.
I married a woman with 2 girls five years ago. They were 13 and 15 at the time and estranged from their father. Their Biodad is a corporate executive who runs a Fortune 500 company and came out as being gay shortly after my now wife left him. He has had no relationship with his kids outside of a child support check, which have ended. No birthday cards, no Christmas, nothing.
I had no biological children of my own.
They moved to Kansas and settled on my small farm. I had already built, myself, a beautiful Timberframed home and in short order built an addition for the girls, beautiful separate bedrooms with patterned hardwood floors and a spacious shared bath with separate sinks and dressing areas. Custom closets, paint colors and design chosen by the girls. When they turned 16 I bought them new trucks. I pay for their college tuition now. I have taught them to waterski, ride quads and dirt bikes. We have a large pond on the farm full of fish and they have horses with an arena.
I still get no respect. Dirty dishes pile up in the sink, laundry covers their bedroom floors. Their bathroom hasnt been cleaned in 6 months. They walk through the house with muddy boots and spurs.
Whenever I complain my wife defends them. The other night I found the door wide open at 5 am, the house was 46 degrees...seems my stepdaughters boyfriend left the door open when he left at 4 am, something I have been complaining about. My wife claimed the door malfunctioned and blew open. Which is impossible as it has hurricane latches that lock when the door is closed. It doesn't matter what the situation is, the girls can never be wrong.
I'm ready to walk.
Um, a farm guy who can build
Um, a farm guy who can build his own house, with no kids, and who is probably super nice with a cute accent? Where were you three years ago? Kidding, kidding.
All jokes aside, you are being used and their mother evidently doesn't care--read this site more and ask yourself if you are willing to be taken advantage of more than you already have been. I can't tell you anything more than your wife has not done her job as a parent and that is a shame because children need PARENTS WHO PARENT more than anything else.
They are 18 and 20 year old
They are 18 and 20 year old adults. Stop funding their lifestyle, IMMEDIATELY.
I hesitate to post this but;
I hesitate to post this but; we have not been intimate in months. I could count on one hand the number of times in the last year that we've been together that way.
Now, at 52, farming and building keep me in shape. I still weigh what I weighed when I was in the Marine Corps, 180 pounds at 6' tall. I asked my sister to describe my looks, she said "very handsome" my 19 year old niece used the term "Hottie on a Harley". With the caveat of them being family comments I still get hit on by old ladies at Walgreens.
If you were my brother, I'd
If you were my brother, I'd tell you to protect herself and watch your wife like a hawk. Once the youngest graduates, she may decide married life just isn't for her.
I demanded their truck keys
I demanded their truck keys after I saw the condition of their rooms. A bathroom that was worse than a truck stop. Used feminine products overflowing the wastebasket and all over the floor. A half dozen rusty razor blades ruining the tub, hair balls the size of golf balls in the drain. My wife, standing next to my step daughters announced: "So you are going to take away their only mode of transportation to school and work?"
I find myself spending more
I find myself spending more and more time in my shop. I work on equipment or lose myself in a furniture project. I'm not a drinker, so bars aren't my thing. I've pulled away from close friends and decline most invitations anymore to see my friends. I think I'm becoming depressed.
The boys never leave the
The boys never leave the family room. Even still, the TVs blaring, the dogs are restless and its 3 or 4 AM! In my world people sleep at those hours. My wife says shed rather have the boys here than the girls being out. I said: "that's what curfews are for. " My oldest sister lived at home until she got married at 26 and still had a curfew imposed by my parents.
Ok. I feel much better.
I'm in KS, too. Ten years
I'm in KS, too. Ten years younger than you and people say I look much younger. I can be your daughter or your trophy, you choose! LOL
Hello and welcome! I am sorry
Hello and welcome! I am sorry you are so depressed. It is hard coming back to the house where everything irritates you. Are there any good aspects of your family life? Tell me this: other than lack of respect for your property and rules ( e.g. no muddy boots in the house), how is your relationship with your SDs? When you were teaching them to waterski, ride quads and dirt bikes were they receptive? Happy? Did you have fun together? Do you now? Do they introduce you to their BFs as their step-dad? Are they on good terms with your sister and niece?
I am not a big fan of squalor but some of it can be explained by their upbringing or age. It sounds more like negligence than defiance or acting out of spite. A dirty bathroom is pretty disgusting - so who cleans it in the end? Does your wife do it? Does she work?
The good thing is, if your relationship with your wife is strong, in a few years the girls will go on their merry ways and you will be empty-nesters. They may not be in Kansas any more.
I am also curious about their relationship with their dad. Do they talk about him? Miss him? He is out of their lives by his own choice?
you do not have to tolerate
you do not have to tolerate this. get counseling. if that doesn't work, throw down the ultimate ultimatum. your wife fixes it, or throw them out. hopefully she won't take you through the ringer (hope you have a pre-nup or something that protects you) and, next time, stay away from needy women with kids. lesson learned.
You are ready to walk? Your
You are ready to walk? Your house, your farm, they walk!! Not you.
If your DW will not step up and hold the girls accountable before you have to then she gets no opinion IMHO. She can step up or she can zip it while you discipline your adult daughters. This epiphany was a water shed moment for my wife and I. She took issue with how I disciplined SS (then 15). She cut me off in front of SS so I gave her the zip it hand signal. Finished the application of consequences for SS and led my bride to our room for a discussion. There I told her is she did not like how I disciplined then she had better step up and get it done before I had to and that I would not tolerate inaction on her part on inappropriate behavior on his part (SSs).
For some reason that wording got through to her and she stepped up. Much to our son's chagrin.
All IMHO of course.
I'm sorry to say this (I mean
I'm sorry to say this (I mean not to bring you further pain) but you sort have set yourself up for this... Think about it... Their own Father wants nothing to do with them, then they have to process that he is a closeted homosexual (further questioning their existence at all if he was gay... That is a LOT for a kid to process) then to live in (from what you described as) a spoiled life of access... I know you meant/mean well and I am not calling you a bad guy, or even wrong for giving them all of these wonderful things (in fact they are wonderful) but they have had what sounds like a great deal of emotional stuff to deal with, then throw in divorce, a gay-never present Father that seemingly care nothing for them, toss in puberty and it's a disaster for a kid to act out... Be it with either drugs, alcohol abuse, hyper sexual behavior, violence and certainly disrespect for others, including you and themselves...
Sounds to me like you are a nice man and you certainly do not deserve to be treated poorly, I'm sorry I know that must hurt and even be confusing. But hear me when I say that they needed to be put through counseling after that divorce and especially after being completely ignored by their SUDDENLY homosexual Father. That is a tremendous amount of dysfunction for an adolescent. Hang in there