Personally I think your husband does not like your older two kids and is trying to get rid of them. If he is like this to you and his bios then you need to leave or resign yourself to the fact that you married an abusive jerk who doesn't care for you or anyone else.

>>Then he makes both of them do crazy amounts of chores or at least did for a while until I fought for them not to!<<

This stuck out at me. While I'm not condoning what your DH did with the chair incident, I wonder if this is your DH's passive aggressive protest against something. Sometimes when we are in situations we don't like we don't always deal with them in a healthy way.

Are there any reasons your DH could be feeling frustrated or resentful of the situation he's in?

You mentioned you disagreed on the amount of chores the boys should do. Does he feel your sons are lazy and don't help out around the house enough?

>>My 16 year old has a really hard time making friends and he started a new school this year with all AP classes. I think my husband has a lot to do with it as he is just rude to my son.<<

How does your husband have anything to do with your son having trouble making friends? :?

You have five kids in the house. You state that you don't work and your DH has a crappy, low paying job. Do you get CS for your two older sons? Could it be your DH feels he is working to support your sons? This could be his view of things.

Regarding being an hour late to pick up your son. Could it be your DH resented having to pick up your son, especially since you don't work? I'm not trying to blame you, mind you, I'm just trying to get into your DH's head.

I know some men, when they don't want to do something, instead of just saying no, will do something like this, i.e. be an hour late to pick up the boy, and then proclaim he has a lot of stops to make, knowing this would annoy your son. This is a passive aggressive method to make sure you don't ask him to pick up your son again.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563
"A passive-aggressive person might appear to agree — perhaps even enthusiastically — with another person's request. Rather than complying with the request, however, he or she might express anger or resentment by failing to follow through or missing deadlines."

How can you love a man so much that you would allow this to happen to your kids?

Protecting all of your children should be more important than having a few of them grow up in an intact family.

"He used to get mad at his boss for saying his stepkids as he called them his kids!!"

This is a ploy at best. Sounds like your DH resents the fact that he is working at a crappy, low paying job and has to support your older bio sons. In my case, Guilty Daddy, who did years and years of butt kissing his now PASed out and well on their way to failure--children (my skids) who were truly (and still are) DEMONS, yet always trying to be passive aggressive with my GROWN bios who are respectful, productive and don't cause him any trouble whatsoever.

Guilty Daddy has referred to my bioson (stb 26 and in the Air Force) as "his son" blah blah blah. When in truth he has done things like illogically infer bad motives (Bioson drained the lawnmower battery on purpose--this after bioson asking if he could mow the lawn for us) or small things like cheer for ANY OPPOSITE football team that is playing my bioson's fav team. Then when bioson comes to visit with his GF, pretend that he is FOR bioson's team. Saying things like "your son will NEVER make it in the Air Force!" Yeah, well he HAS and is climbing up the ranks--wrong again Guilty Daddy.

Just because Guilty Daddy's children are mental midgets, uber failng in school,budding felons, and he let the BM just take right over while he rolled over, he needs to "take it out" on someone.

In your case, he's taking out his frustrations (obviously) on your older biosons. Either they go to live with their biodad--which will be hell because if you have to pay CS while they live at their biodad's, DH will have yet another thing to whine, complain and be resentful over. Or you stand up to DH which, from the sound of it, will put the proverbial last nail in the coffin.

Ooh boy....

Okay. Take this advice for what it is. I am not the burning bush here but there are aspects of your post that struck me in how my relationship was with my own father. My father wasn't abusive. Controlling? Yes. But he bent over backwards for my Mom, me and my brother. At one point he was working 3 jobs to make ends meet. That kind of stress takes its toll on a man. I am not saying that to excuse the way he is treating you and your kids but please hear me out. When a man (and this equally applies to women but I am sticking with a man's physiology for the sake of brevity) gets over-worked and over-stressed, the blood flow to their brain gets funneled to their Amygdalla. That's the portion of the brain responsible for a man's "fight-or-flight" response to any situation. The more stress heaped on the man, the less likely he is capable of rational "higher intelligent" thought. You mentioned that he was not always like this. Well from the way I read your posts, this is what is happening to your husband. Any slight, or innocent accident will automatically be seen by him as an attack on him and that is why he is responding to your children the way he is. It's a vicious cycle. The less respect he gives, the less respect he gets in return until he reaches a breaking point and he will - inevitably - snap.

I hope I am not frightening you or anything, but your husband is in a place right now where he is in "seige mode". Any approach is seen as a threat. Any gesture towards him is viewed as an attack. I've seen it happen with my own father and I was fortunate to recognize it in me when it was starting to happen to me.

There are two things I would suggest to him that he do immediately. I know you said that family councelling is something you cannot afford, but he NEEDS to talk to someone outside his family circle in order to get some perspective. Maybe a close friend? A relative? A priest? I dunno, but until your husband has given himself a chance to unwind, he will not likely get any better. The second thing I would look at are the basics; sleeping, proper food and exercise. If any of those are out of whack, his ability to handle stress will be diminished.

Anyone who treated my kids that way would have to have my shoe surgically removed from thier anus. Whatever the extraneous problems in your life, woman up and stick up for you kids. My mother's husband told me at age 15 that I had a terrible personality and would never get anywhere in life. Very calmly and in great detail, within earshot of my mother. "Crushing" doesn't even begin to describe what that did to me. Now, I love my mom to death, she's my only living parent- but our relationship changed forever, on that day.

>>He stopped repecting my husband when my husband started discipling him when he was 10 years old for about 2 years then I told him they were my children and he could disciple his own kids but not the older ones.<<

So you want your DH to consider your two oldest children his, but he's not allowed to discipline them as if they were his? You see the double standard here?

I noticed another statement you made:
>>I still give them more then what my husband thinks I should, but that is my choice not his.<< Again, how can you expect your husband to treat your two oldest as his, when he's not allowed to make any decisions regarding them?

I don't think anyone is condoning your DH's behavior, but it seems like both parties are contributing to the problem. Like Draco said, stress takes a toll on a person.

Maybe you can sit down and talk with your DH. See if both of you can work out a compromise regarding the discipline and chore issues.

Well someone sure has a lack of respect for their husband. I'm a step dad and I'll tell you what I make my step kids do one substantial chore every day except Sabbath. By doing this there is a treasure trove of family peace to be had.
A - your kids will respect you because guess what if you don't make them do it, no one will (especially mommy)and they will look to you as an authority figure aka parent, and guess what that's what you are a parent and that's what makes a parent, Discipline.

B - your wife will also respect you more for being the man you born to be aaaaand guess what she won't have to do all the work in the house and can actually enjoy her babies or anything else she wants to do.

And your obvious disregard for his job, ugh I feel sorry for this unappreciated poor schmuck. A wife who doesn't stand by him. Especially when he messes up. Given he needs to be more humble and apologize but it sounds like you guys are going at him with GUNZ BLAZING he probably doesn't want to back down knowing that will give you guys just that extra inch you need to feel justified in whipping your mule just one more time. But no you're right he needs to kiss your son's golden hiney every time he bruises it from walking into chairs....

oh and btw my kids got voted into high school leadership have straight A's both are in sports when before they didn't do anything, play an instrument and both love me dearly.

Before I came along 2 years ago they hung out at home watching tv playing video games with c's and d's with a dead beat NON-DISCIPLINARY dad. With God's help and the guidance that He has in His word about parenting, we've come a long way in a short period of time, and I know that if you give your husband the respect he deserves, you and your kids will get the love and compassion you yearn for as well.

Wow. You want your husband to treat your older kids as his own, but not discipline them or give them chores - while you pop out more kids, sit on your ass and be a Disney parent.

I don't agree with the way he acts towards your older kids, but I understand it.

He's supporting 7 people and you're ungrateful. You have no respect for your husband at all. All this contention is just as much your fault. You're lazy and so are your older kids. If I were your husband, I'd take my three kids and leave you.