Full-Time SD's Behavior is RUINING My Children and Disrupting My Family!
I am finally at my absolute end with my SD(10). I remember when I used to have patience and compassion. That mom is gone. This girl is ruining my family, and she is ruining my life. She is hateful, vindictive, manipulative, entitled, ungrateful, and otherwise completely and totally UNPLEASANT. If she REALLY wants something she is sweet for about 5 minutes. Then, as soon as she gets whatever it was she wanted, back to her normal, horrible self. She is sweet as pie to her teachers at school. They love her. They say she is smart (which is very true), helpful, and pleasant. I don't know that girl. That's not who she is at home. I have been dealing with her for the last 6 years. She had just turned 4 when her dad and I got together, and she was 5 when we got married. She was great as an "only" child. As soon as her baby sister was born, things started changing. Shortly after our new addition, her BM had a baby with her new husband. Our family continued to grow as well. So, she went from being the only child at our house (home) to being the oldest of 4. Apparently that wasn't ok with her, and she didn't get the memo that she doesn't get to call the shots. Her oldest little sister is now 4. She acts more mature most of the time than her "big sister." My daughters all look up to and love their big sister, but she is so rude to them. Ugly. That's what we call it. She acts so ugly to them, and much worse to me. My DH doesn't know what to do. He says it's sad that he can't stand his own daughter. I think he has completely given up on her. He says she is lazy and manipulative (which, of course he blames solely on BM) and that's just the way she is and we can't change it. My daughters are taking note of her behavior and they are starting to mirror it. It's making me SICK. I have been thinking about getting her into counseling, hoping it will improve her demeanor. I don't know what else to do. She has the worst attitude. I try to send her to her room when she talks back (which usually involves getting in my face and yelling at me). It's gotten to the point where I change my schedule to be around her as little as possible. She is staying with us this weekend and my DH will be out of town. I am dreading it to the point that I feel a panic attack coming on. I shouldn't feel that way about someone who LIVES WITH ME!!!
A BM has to be a really poor
A BM has to be a really poor parent to not have custody of their kids (in many cases). Why isn't she living with BM and why isn't BM more active in her life? Maybe that's a big part of the problem.
*a little
*a little back-story.
According to my DH, when my SD turned 2, BM was caught cheating and he kicked her out. She left with her new boyfriend, without her kids (she had another daughter from a previous marriage as well, so his then-SD). She disappeared for a few months. She came back and got the older one (my DH's then-SD) and my SD stayed with her dad. BM got her act together somewhat, married the boyfriend (who had 3 older daughters as well). My SD was sharing her time 50/50 for awhile after that. I entered the picture when she turned 4.
SD did stay with her mom during the school year for 1st and 2nd grade. She spend EVERY weekend and EVERY non-school day with us. BM called us at least once a week b/c of SD tantrums and fits. Mom says she wanted her there b/c she wanted her to be with her older sister while they were able to attend the same school (they are 3 years apart). At the end of 2nd grade, big sister moved up to another school and she sent SD to live with us full time. she is supposed to go to her mom's on the weekends. Frequently, mom has other things she has to do so SD stays home with us.
So, as far as I can tell, BM had other priorities. She had other people willing to do the work for her, so she accepted. She just isn't really cut out for the whole "mommy" thing. I think SD knows that, somewhere in her heart. I think, also that most of the anger and agression that she would like to be able to take out on her mom (if she weren't afraid of completely losing her forever) is taken out on me. I'm safe. I'm stable. I'm not going anywhere. Problem is, i'm sick and tired of bearing the brunt of her miserable attitude. It's not fair to her, but it's not fair to me or the rest of her family either.
"She had other people willing
"She had other people willing to do the work for her, so she accepted. She just isn't really cut out for the whole "mommy" thing. I think SD knows that, somewhere in her heart. I think, also that most of the anger and agression that she would like to be able to take out on her mom (if she weren't afraid of completely losing her forever) is taken out on me."
I agree with this. Maybe SD could use some counseling to help her come to terms with this, and to learn how to get her anger out constructively as opposed to taking it out on you. This is something your DH should look into, along with finding other arrangements for her when he cannot watch her.
And if BM is active in skids
And if BM is active in skids life at least to some extent...if DH is out of town or NOT going to be around when skid visits then skid should be with BM not you!!! THEIR KID...THEIR PROBLEM!!!
Okay, take a deep breath and
Okay, take a deep breath and step back from the situation a bit. First, sending her to her room is clearly not working. I am of the opinion sending a child to THEIR room never will work because all of their toys and clothes and things are in their rooms--know what my parents did for me as a time out? I got sent to the bathroom, or had to stare at a wall. I think both you and DH are too passive about the punishment.
What is her currency? And by that I mean what does she like and enjoy above all else? That which if you take away from her, she freaks out? Use that as the punishment, and be consistent about it.
Yes, you need to take her to counseling. I am still at a wonder why there are no discipline courses for children as there are for dogs. The closest thing I can say is Cesar Milan, or Supernanny. You guys need to arm yourselves with the resolve to fix this little girl who will become even more of a terror if you don't do something about it. Get yourselves to a therapist who can teach you techniques on disciplining children. That's the place both of you should start.
nothing really seems to "get
nothing really seems to "get to her" other than being alone. i guess that's her "currency." i've taken away everything. unfortunately, for us, the bathroom won't work b/c we have a family of 6 and 1 bathroom. it's used quite frequently
it's like the house is too small to hold her intensity. she is a frazzled mess until she has rattled everyone else into a frenzy! then she is able to calm down and breathe. amen on the cesaer milan note. i wish there was one for kids! i have tried (and tried, and tried) positive reinforcement, rewards, etc. she usually tries to negotiate a better reward before considering the behavior. it's almost comical, watching her little manipulation wheels turning. unreal. i have her doing chores all evening after homework. if she isn't working she has to be in her room. i just can't stand being around her.
EXACTLY!!! Your past is NOT
EXACTLY!!! Your past is NOT MY PROBLEM...just like ours isn't their problem!!!! You chose to get with that woman NOT ME so don't force your kids on me or expect me to fill your or BM's shoes...AIN'T FUCKING HAPPENING!!!
We get with the man we are with for THEM NOT THEIR DAMN KIDS!!! Not to be their Momma or their maid, babysitter, chauffeur, etc. GRRRR...stupid fucking men and BM's like that piss me the fuck off!!!
AMEN!
AMEN!
i would LOVE to. they (my SD
i would LOVE to. they (my SD and her BM) made these plans (her being home this weekend) and just sort of dropped them on me. neither one of them knew DH would be out of town. no one ran it by me. that's part of the reason, i guess, i'm so pissed now. gee, why would anyone want to actually ask me what i'm doing this weekend??!! it's not as if i can just "drop her off." BM lives an hour away, in BFE, and i have 3 other small children to deal with. not to mention, i doubt mom would be there anyway, i'm sure she's off doing something fun for herself. kids, shmids.
Next time don't answer the
Next time don't answer the door. Pretend no one is at home and she will need to find other arrangements! She needs to know that that's a NO NO. EITHER MAKE PRIOR ARRANGEMENTS WITH DAD OR RISK WASTING A TRIP!
When I married DH, SD was 10
When I married DH, SD was 10 and he had/has full custody. BM wanted nothing to do with her and still doesn't. SD was all sweet to me in front of DH and anyone else but the minute they left the room she was an evil brat. Her teachers loved her and they still do. She is now 16. It took awhile for DH to realize what was going on. She started slipping and doing alot of her shit in front of DH.
All I can say is that it was DH that put her in her place. When he realized all the lying and manipulating she was doing he threatened to make her live with BM. It took a few years but she's not as bad now. I think she has given up trying to make my life a living hell.
She was an only child and was so attached to DH it was disgusting. Then when I moved in with my DD she got really jealous.
She is still extremely jealous of DD and now BD4 but I think she is growing out of alot of it.
Hang in there. She will grow up eventually. DH handed her her ass everytime she acted mean or jealous so she was so afraid of upsetting him that she finally stopped alot of it. She still cries at birthday parties though. She needs all the attention on her. Now that she is a teenager and has a boyfriend and friends she is so much better. I think she acts crazy with them now instead!!
i think i'm taking a LOT of
i think i'm taking a LOT of heat from MIL who insists that i am SD's "real" mom now. she has an extremely close bond (a little too close for my comfort) with SD and has been trying to fill the void BM left. she is way closer to her than my other daughters. it's easy to want to just leave her at MIL's. i want to do what's best and not just take the easy way out.
what i'm hearing, though, is making a LOT of sense. why do i feel like she is MY problem?? why not just take the easy way this weekend and ENJOY IT!!!??? i can't take her to her mom's, that's out of the question (she absolutely does NOT make herself accessible, she does not answer phones and is very elusive). but as of now, i am planning to drop her off at DH's parents. hell, after this, i might just ask MIL to pick her up from school! thanks y'all, i suddenly feel very empowered!
ugh. This sounds like my
ugh. This sounds like my ss14. He was NEVER a content child. He disrupted our household. It is very easy to say dont allow her to disrupt and i remember that is what I used to tell myself over and over "He is just a child. Do not allow him to control your household"-but when these children are constantly attacking everyone in the household (either verbally, physically, through actions such as stealing from them, etc) it becomes hard to discpline every single incident and eventually you run out of disciplines. My ss14 when he was last here was down to a mattress on the floor. My dh would give him his clothes for each day in the morning. No tv, no cell phone, no going outside-nothing. We did this for several weeks-finally there appeared to be some sort of effort so we started giving a few priviliegs back-as soon as he got the few privileges back he took them and ran with them. And it would begin all over. It was constant. No relief whatsoever. BM not interested in taking him at all. I also had a mil that catered to him. So guess what? that's where he lives now. Bottom line, is that noone has been able to control the kid, including mil, but I dont care at least he is out of my life and my kids life.
From what I've read here you
From what I've read here you have only two possible ways to turn this around. Counseling for the kid and heavy punishment. You're going to have to create a place where she can be put as punishment.
My guess would be that just sitting in a corner silently while the rest of the family life goes on around her could do the trick. Get a step stool and call it the punishment stool and have her sit on it in a corner for a determined amount of time depending on the mis-deed.
That corner and that stool are dedicated to one thing - punishment - and everyone who looks at it is reminded that the possibility exists.