SD loved me for 10+ years, and hates me in 1 day.
I'm feeling really confused right now. I've been a part of my stepkids' lives for over 10 years, and they are currently 12 and 14 years old. To give you some background, I met my husband in 2015 when he was sharing custody of his daughters, alternating weeks with their biological mother. She has always struggled with stability, having been homeless multiple times and possibly dealing with addiction issues. Even when the custody was split evenly, we ended up being the main caregivers because we were in a better position to take care of them. By 2019, the girls were with us about 90% of the time, only spending most weekends with their mom. By early 2024, they were living with us full-time and gradually distancing themselves from her due to the chaos she brought into their lives. They hadn’t spoken to her in months, but we recently discovered she’s living just a few blocks away in a house known for drug-related activities.
A couple weeks ago, my 12-year-old stepdaughter was out with her friends when her mom spotted her and came outside to say hello. My stepdaughter was really embarrassed by her mom's appearance and the state of her home, especially in front of her friends. Then, just last weekend, she was at a park with a different group of friends when her mom found out where she was and came over. She took them to a gas station to buy ice cream and hung out with them at the park for a while. This new group of friends thought her mom was really cool and said they liked her. The next day, her mom asked her to walk around Wal-Mart with her and promised to buy her something, which my stepdaughter agreed to. When she got home, she mentioned wanting to spend more time with her mom. We told her we could try every other weekend, but they needed to find a safe place to meet since we couldn’t allow her to go to her mom’s current home. My husband texted her biological mother to let her know that my stepdaughter wanted to start seeing her again, but they needed to find a safe location. She agreed, and we were planning to start this coming weekend.
The next day, my stepdaughter asked if a friend could stay over, but since it was a school night, I said no. She often asks me these things because I’m the main caregiver; her dad is around but works long hours, so it’s usually just me and the kids. When I told her no, she turned it into a huge argument, and I had to tell her to come home or she’d be grounded. She came back about half an hour later, and within five minutes, her grandma and mom showed up to take her to her grandma’s house. Now, she’s not talking to me and has completely shut me out. It feels like she’s forgotten all the struggles they faced with their biological mom, and I’m worried she might not come back to us. Her older sister is upset because she remembers the tough times with their mom, and it hurts her to see her sister act like it never happened. This could create tension between them, and I feel stuck. Part of me wants to let things unfold and see where it goes, while another part thinks I should push more responsibility onto her mom, especially since we’re covering all expenses like phones, violins, and clothes. I don’t want my stepdaughter to feel abandoned, but I also believe her mom shouldn’t have visitation rights without any responsibilities. She’s currently unable to drive, is technically homeless, and doesn’t have a job. I want to use this situation as a lesson for her, but I’m really unsure about what to do. I need some serious guidance.
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This is not uncommon. There's always a bond with BM and her kids. I can't give you advice, just letting you know it's nothing you did.
Usually, in a non-step family
Usually, in a non-step family, if a child misbehaves, it gets dealt with by one of their parents, and that's the end of it. But your SD12 decided she didn't like your reaction to her request, and has an ideal way to both get attention and punish you, ie get her bio mother and grandma to take her away! Her bio mother obviously has a bit of cash to spend on SD12, which never hurts, and made a positive impression on SD's friends. I would give it a bit of time, though, don't do anything dramatic - give BioMom a bit of rope and she will tangle herself up in it again. SD14 obviously knows what sort of person her bio mother is, but SD12 may have forgotten. I'm sure that in due course the chaos will remind her.
I love that. Give her a
I love that. Give her a little bit of rope and she will tangle herself up in it again. That's so perfect. Thank you.
Loyalty bind
I agree with everything Kes said. Besides, these loyalty binds are strong. We had a similar situation whereby SDnow63 would run to BM every time she didn't like what we said or did to her, like grounding her for misbehavior. Of course, that's how we ended up with her anyway, she ran away when BM disciplined her so the "solution" was for her to live here. She moved in and out of here several times.
You don't mention it, but looking back I see that both we and BM were trying to be saviors and SD played it to her advantage.
You're 100% right. She is
You're 100% right. She is going to use this to her advantage, and I'm so glad you brought that to light for me. Thank you!
A 12yo does not just get to leave regardless of who they leave
with.
Call the police. Put crackhead mommy and Gramma in jail. Let SD-12 learn from mommy's and Gramma's mistakes.
12yos have only perfunctorily functional brains. Throw in the prepubescent raging hormone driven fee fee fests and not many are capable of even using what little brains they have.
Time for daddy to get this handled in court which he should have done long ago. Getting full physical and legal custody should have been done when crackhead mommy first abandoned the kids.
You know you love her. Go forward from there though not tolerating this little shits shit.
IMHO of course.
It's frustrating.. she is at
It's frustrating.. she is at a difficult age.. where kids really can struggle.. then you add the confliction from her mom's emergence into her life.
I will say this, however.. whether mom is contributing to her expenses or not.. that actually doesn't mean that anyone should be withholding visitation. It's not a pay to play situation.
Yes.. if possible, your DH should get an order of support from his EX... BUT.. if there is any way that a lawyer thinks that BM would actually get some custody.. it could wind up that your DH has to pay HER.. since it sounds like she has little to no resources.
The primary concern should be the safety of the child.. and if there is reason to believe that their mom is not safe.. then your husband needs to ensure his child is protected.
Unfortunately.. almost all of what needs to happen is a "him" thing.. not a "you" thing... and I understand you have done a lot for your husband in taking on the responsibility of the girls.. try to not take an apparent rejection or resentment from them as personal... kids don't see the "oh. SM takes care of me.. I should be thankful".. kids see "I'm a child it's the adult's responsibility to take care of me".. so the person that should be most appreciative of your help.. is your husband.. you are doing his job.
It may be that this child.. and her sister need to have some counseling too.. something to help them deal with the confusion of their mom's re-apearance in their life.
I need that tattooed on my
I need that tattooed on my arm. " kids don't see the "oh. SM takes care of me.. I should be thankful".. kids see "I'm a child it's the adult's responsibility to take care of me" " it's so hard not to take it personally sometimes.
Being an involved SM is tough
Being an involved SM is tough.. on the one hand.. so much of what we hear is to "treat them as your own".. but the reality is they are NOT our own kids.. we don't have that inate biological bond... the one that makes a serial killer's mom still love them. An example of how that might play out is growing up.. we were a nuclear family.. me, brother mom and dad. Did my Brother and I bedevil and at times scar each other (mentally and physically..lol).. yes.. kids can be mean to each other.. even bio siblings.. do kids get hurt rough housing.. or even intentionally hitting out at a sibling in anger .. yes.. but did that mean that if my brother threw a rock at me and it hit me in my eyebrow.. where I still have a scar to this day.. or kicked me with his lug soled hiking boots where. yes.. still ahve the scar.. would they have banned him from the house? no.. that just is not likely to happen. But.. stepkid pushes a kid in their home.. the SM's child..or new joint child.. then the cries go up.. ban them from the house.. protecting your child is primary .. but sometimes it just is kids being little craps.. and they may not be doing anything different than what happened with my brother and I.. but they are "banned".. because obv the new partner does not have that ability to just "love no matter what"..
So, when your SD's do something "mean".. tell you they "hate you"... (as can happen even when a bio parent denies a child some sought after prize (heavy metal concert with no supervision.. sleepover at the kid who has a reputation for being into bad things.. not buying that jacket, sneakers.. or watever.. now they will DIE>>>>>> of embarassment).. it's hard not to be hurt like.. I have done so much for you.. why are you turning on me.. when they are just being the immature brained teens.. that have no idea the sacrifice adults make to raise them. And it's tough.. you are rightfully concerned about the EX and her history.. but this may be an area where you will need your DH to step up and be the authority figure and make these tough calls.. and get things legally set up to keep his child safe.
It's ultimately his responsibility.. as a SM.. you can step back.. disengage to an extent and protect your own feelings a bit.
Oh, elleh60,
Oh, elleh60,
It’s so traumatic, dealing with a SD who, despite years of enjoying the love and support of a SM who has been present and coping in the girl’s day to day life, heeds the siren call of an elusive, negligent bio mom. The absence of that mother is bound to have created feelings of abandonment that cannot be fulfilled by a substitute female (stepmother, grandmother, aunt, older sister or whomever).
Your refusal to allow an unreasonable request from your SD provided the ideal opportunity for her neglectful mother to sally forth and play the heroine/rescuer to her victimized daughter who is being abused by the evil SM; a tale as old as time.
Let it go, Hon. The problem must be addressed by the child’s father. In fact, you’ve been carrying his parental water for far too long and it’s time for him to step up and put both the child and her ‘cowbird’ mother in their places.
It has to hurt, having put so much time and affection into raising another woman’s child, only to be, metaphorically, slapped in the face as soon as the girl was thwarted. However, her behaviour was bound to happen sooner or later, that’s the nature of the stepchild beast; nothing personal, although it sure feels that way.
Your SD’s enchantment with ‘Ms. Cowbird’ won’t last long. Preteen and young teen girls are as fickle as the weather; the moment that her mother fails to kowtow to her daughter and/or shows her true colours, the girl will come scampering back to her stable home.
Cowbird mother! Too true.
Not sure what the equivilent is for a cowbird father, but this is a story that is so prominant for SParents that it needs to be shouted from the rooftops.
Great point grannyd.
More fun at BM
No rules , no bed time, no responsibilities to do well in school. Unlimited internet. If you let SD stay with BM, her schooling will be lost. You would not whan her back if she lives the '''free'',life any length of time.