Honestly? I get it.

When OSD and YSD were here, I made the mistake of snooping in their bathroom once.

What I saw? Disgusting.

A few weeks old poop in the toilet, unflushed.

Menstrual blood on the seat.

The floor? Couldn’t even see it, buried under mountains of crumpled toilet paper, towels, and old, sour-smelling clothes.

It was a pigsty.

And yet… if I said anything, I was the bad guy. If I tried to set a standard for basic human hygiene, I knew I would be "overstepping."

At some point, you have to ask yourself: If they don’t care, why should you?

So, I didn’t say a damn thing. Just let it be.

And wouldn’t you know it? A few days later, the skid’s toilet overflowed—and DH found himself ankle-deep in trash and literal shit.

That problem?

Resolved itself real quick after that.

Any chance of hiring cleaning help?  Your house (actually, his room) might need more expensive sanitation.  My point is making the situation more painful for DH if he is sensitive to money matters.  I didn't have the level of issues you have, just .normal dirt from a bunch of careless kids.  If I had gone on a rampage, especially about SD's room, DH would have resented me insulting his princess.  So, I hired cleaning help.  Clean rooms, marital harmony, too bad if it cuts into your cash flow, DH.  Actually, he preferred that solution.

Even if you aren't disciplining each other's kids.. there is a limit to what we have to accept in our home.

Using your room as a toilet is unacceptable at 12 years old.  If he truly has some sleep disorder.. then perhaps some alarm system or medication regime needs to be explored.. to allow a child to live in their own waste could be considered neglect.. even if the child, himself is the cause of it (intentionally or not).

This could jeapardize your own child's life.. what if CPS were to get involved? I can see it now "they lock me in so I can't get out to go to the bathroom".. yikes.. this is not just annoying.. it's likely causing permanent damage to their home.

As equity life partners, we are also equity parents to any children in our home and marriage.  Regardless of who spawned those kids.  As it turned out, SS is an only in our family.  

I cannot imagine abdicating any part of my life to someone else.

So, no disciplining the other's kids. Fine. That does not mean you let any resident in your home use it as a trash dump, pee all over your home, etc..

Put this piss monster in a pull up, put an alarm on his bed if he wets it so it screams bloody murder if he wets it, Put a monitor on his room so an alarm goes off near daddy's head if he gets out of bed in the middle of the night. Time to take his bedroom door, empty his room, and make daddy inspect it several times per day.  This kid was a write off at "bottles of piss".

smh

Our model works for us. It may not be for everyone.  However, a room that is a health hazard needs to be addressed. I would have this kid talking to a specialist therapist on night pissing

. See how he likes speaking to a stranger about his bottle pissing, pissing on his floor, and pissing in random places while sleepwalking.   I might even let it drop with friends and family.  Just for shits and giggles.  Something has to pull this kids out of his own ass.

There is a big difference between messy and dirty, and this crosses the line. I'm all for closing the door on a messy room, but once you start talking about urination on the walls and floor - you absolutely have to deal with it. His room should be checked each day for "accidents" and he should be required to clean them up. This is a hill I would die on.

If he’s a pisser, why the hell does his room have carpeting?

Carpet soaks it in, holds onto the smell, turns the whole damn place into a petri dish of filth.

You want a fix? Rip it out.

Tear up that piss-stained carpet and put down vinyl flooring—the kind they use in hospitals, where they expect messes. Easy to clean, no more soaked-in stench.

And if he still can’t make it to the bathroom?

Then maybe it’s time to expect him to sleep in Depends.

The issue lies with your husband not taking the bull by the horns with his son.  Pack a bag, and inform dh you need a vacation from the smell. Go away for a couple of days to clear your head. And do NOT text hubby. He needs to step-up.