I dont think I can do this anymore
My adult stepdaughter is 36 yrs old, married with one bio child and one step child. My husband and I have been married 17 years and together 26. My SD is a complete trainwreck. Shes in my humble opinion a full blown alcoholic (bio mother is one and almost drank herself to death several years ago). My SD drinks pretty much every day to our knowledge. She has been extremely difficult for us to deal with over the years and though we have drastically limited her visits to our home (we live 2 hrs away from her) it is progressively getting worse. We see the grand kids very regularly and have them up for weekends by meeting halfway to get them from SD, however SD has only visited our home times in 6 years the most recent being this past weekend. This is by our choice, not hers. Her bio child is 6 abd after his birth and her becoming a mother we had hoped she would change...this has not been the case. Every single time she visits she gets sloppy drunk, is rude, continuously drags up old things, disrespectful to our home, our bounderies, our marriage, etc...
She has these meltdowns while drinking where she gets weepy claiming her dad doesn't love her enough, isn't there for her enough and climbs all over him and becomes all clingy, kissy and down right creepy affectionate with him. He tries to push her away, tell her her behavior is uncomfortable for him and inappropriate. Its difficult to reason with her because shes drunk and its all we can do to get her to go to bed. Mind you she only does this ...this creepy behavior in my presence. My husband spoke to her on the phone before they came up to address this type of behavior and tell her this cant happen anymore and she promised it wouldn't, yet it did their first night here and it was awful. My husband has tried to talk to her to no avail. We have limited her visits, told her we cant go through this anymore, etc...wait long periods of time to have her here again but its always the same. She is quite disrespectful to me. She calls our home "dads" house, she takes over our home and reeks havoc, creates drama, she is stuck in the past and only wants to talk about or tell stories of when her bio mom and dad were still together, She tries and succeeds to make me uncomfortable in my own home and as though I do not belong. Her husband is no better...drinking , bullying and trying to control all conversation and activity in our home when they are here. They just run all over us and all we can do it try to appease it until they sober up and go home. I cant do this anymore. No matter what she promises, every sparse visit is the same. This last one had me in such a state that I became physically ill and hid in my room for 1/2 the weekend because i was a ball of raw nerves. I don't want to tell my husband she isn't welcome here anymore but I don't know what else to do. He is a very loving husband, and a loving father and general good man who does not deserve this from her in any way. We have bailed her out of jail for DUI, domestic violence charge against her current husband, endured many, many middle of the night drunk calls when shes feeling like airing her marital woes, etc...Were pretty certain that in addition to being alcoholic she is a true narcissist. Everything is always someone elses fault, everyone she talks about is beneath her, etc...Her ahd her husband feed this toxic behavior in one another. What to do???
Is your husband willing to
Is your husband willing to ban alcohol in your home when they visit? It's a start.
You can do far more than
You can do far more than appease. Time for the eternal foot up the asses of both of these POS boozer loser failed adults. Next time she pulls her crap, you grab a big old handful of DH's man sack stand him beside you and tell her and her idiot DH to GTF out and stay out. They may play the keep the GKs away card, but so be it if that happens.
We teach people how to treat us and you and DH both are training these ship people to treat you like shit.
Stop that.
No more sobbing tearful calls from your SD. She starts, tell her Buh-bye and hang up. Each and every time. Teach her how she will behave in any interface she has with you and your DH.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
When she and her idiot DH drive away drunk, call 911 and report that they are driving drunk and endangering their own children. Have their vehicle, plate, and DL information to give to the LEOs. Give them their travel route as well. Then, do not bond them out when they get hauled in for another DUI and for endangering children. Let them rot. The pain of rock bottom is the best learning tool. Bring the pain.
Take care of you.
This sounds good
except it would probably mean OP and her DH would end up with the kids. If that's what they want, okay, but it could also mean CPS places the kids with them for awhile and their lives get more intertwined with the drunken parents. At least they do eventually go home as things are now. Although knowing kids are being driven around by a drunk would be hard to live with, too.
report
Yes, if both of them are in the car, child services may remove the children from the home. Yes, generally they prefer to place with family (less traumatizing to the kids). But, that does not mean more intertwining necessarily. They will have to work the plan that the court/ children services gives them. They can't just pop in and visit their kids. If the grandparents give them not ordered access, they risk having the kids removed from their care also.
If the choice is reporting them drunk driving with the kids in the car or risk having the kids die in an accident, the responsible choice is to report.
CPS cannot force the OP & SO to take the GSKids.
CPS may not take their kids. They may just put these idiot breeders on the hairy eyeball wellness check, home inspection, etc.... list.
Even if CPS does take the kids away from their idiot breeders, that is likely an improvement for these kids.
Yes!
I read this after I responded. We are on the same page with many of the issues.
What you permit, you promote. Simple, to the point, and true!
You Have Options....
and one is to tell your husband to see his alcoholic daughter away from the marital home. It's exactly what our counselor advised to DH and that's how it's been for the past 6 years (with this past year seeing some interactions at our home). She's destructive and harmful, along with her husband. Let your DH pick up the grands and you stay home. I did not interact with DHs kids for that entire 6 years.
Stop this woman and her enabling husband from coming to your home. Let your DH deal with them.
We have bailed her out of
We have bailed her out of jail for DUI, domestic violence charge against her current husband, endured many, many middle of the night drunk calls when shes feeling like airing her marital woes, etc...Were pretty certain that in addition to being alcoholic she is a true narcissist. Everything is always someone elses fault, everyone she talks about is beneath her, etc...Her ahd her husband feed this toxic behavior in one another. What to do???
What to do??? It's time to employ tough love every time there is an issue...Every! Single! Time!
We have bailed her out of jail for DUI, domestic violence charge against her current husband, Why? Let her sit in jail and experience the repercussions of her actions. It's important to note...these are criminal actions! Why would she change if she is bailed out? Let her hit rock bottom. She is an adult, who made adult choices, and who must suffer the consequences of said choices.
endured many, many middle of the night drunk calls when shes feeling like airing her marital woes, etc... Why? You can not reason with a drunk; many can't be reasoned with even when 'sober'. You can simply hang up. You can tell her to call you when she's sober, though she will likely not remember. Do not engage! Block her. Protect your peace.
Were pretty certain that in addition to being alcoholic she is a true narcissist. If she is a narcissist, there is not a lot you can do about this. However, you can perform an intervention and attempt to get her the help she needs regarding her alcoholism. If there is a mental health diagnosis, therapy for that can be included in her aftercare program. Will she participate? Maybe, maybe not? You will likely feel better knowing you have done what you can to assist her in taking back her life and getting healthy.
Everything is always someone elses fault, everyone she talks about is beneath her, etc...Her ahd her husband feed this toxic behavior in one another. Shut them down! Don't buy into it. If she, or her husband, start this nonsense change the subject! There are a myriad of 'safe' topics for conversation How about the weather? New recipes, gardening, volunteer work, literature, music, events in your community, etc. They will understand that you won't 'go there' if you change the subject each and every time. This can be done with kindness, "Susie, I have to tell you about the new recipe I tried. I think your family would love it!"
Last but certainly not least...it is your home! You decide who is allowed in your personal space. Your sanctuary. You simply say "No." to visits. It really isn't that hard after the first time. Protect your peace at all costs!
This may sound daunting; however, it sounds as if you are at the end of your rope! Do this for you. Do this for your husband. Do this for your marriage. Blessings to you, I care.
Get your butts to an Al-anon
Get your butts to an Al-anon meeting. You will see that you are enabling this behavior.