Where to go from here
I had previosuly posted a topic about being new to stepparenting. I now have a new issue and am at this point just ready to walk away. I have been with DW for almost 3 years now. My 15 yr old SD is very spoiled and manpuliates her mom. I have no say in what goes on. This has been discussed and I am not allowed to stick up for my DW to my SD. My DW doesn't see it and my DW and I were in a fight the other day, because I brought up the fact that SD sleeps on the couch and not in her room in her bed. There are times were my DW will go out to the living room and sleep on the couch with my SD and it irritates me, my DW knows this. I mentioned why does SD have a bed if she isn't going to use it. We might as well sell it. This set my DW off and she didn't talk to me for 2 days. I'm about to walk away and just say forget it. I think the whole thing is ridiculous and there doesn't appear to be any change in sight. Any thoughts on how to handle this or should I cut my losses and just leave. I hate to do it because I love my DW, but my SD is just a terror and with me me not being able to say anything or help out in defending my DW I feel at a loss. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreicated.
Hills to die on... repeat
Hills to die on... repeat that mantra.
Why do you care if her daughter sleeps on the couch? Why does it matter that her bed goes more unused? Is that in itself any skin of your nose? If not... leave it alone.
NOW.. the behavior that you don't want to happen often is your wife leaving the marital bed and spending a bunch of nights on the couch with her child (how big is this couch.. haha?)
If it is just the occasional movie streaming, tv bingeing thing.. and they just fall asleep after.. like once or twice a month? Again.. not a huge deal.. you get to spread out in your own bed.. haha. If this happens multiple times a week? THAT would be what I would address.
And.. not from the perspective of her SD.. but from your own perspective.
"dear wife.. when you don't come to bed, I don't sleep well until I know you are here with me.. can you please try to make it to our bed each night.. I don't have any problem with you watching your shows with your daughter.. but I want to go to sleep and wake up with you beside me".
the focus being on how you are being negatively impacted.. vs you judging her parenting choices.
Correct
EDMOD is right.
Response
It's not a movie thing, it's twice a week if not more, and I have addressed the issue about it being a negative impact. Again it doesn't seem to matter. I get the same response "I'm the OP" and I have to deal with it because they have been by themselves for 15 years. They're not used to me being around and I need to get used to it. Sorry, I'm from a different generation. I don't have to get used to anything. I will compromise, and will communicate. Being told I need to get used to it. That's a big NO.
I don't think it's a
I don't think it's a generational thing.. necessarily. No one likes to be told to "suck it up". Relationships ideally involve both parties joining their lives, adjusting to someone else's quirks and day to day habits. It can require a little compromise.. a little sucking it up.. a little getting our way. If both partners are doing it right.. both are trying to be the best partner to the other.... so both sides are giving.. and adjusting.
But, if you are constantly being told that "I have always done it this way and I'm not changing....even though I know what I am doing is negatively impacting you"... then you don't have a partner. that's just plain and simple. And, if you don't have a partner.. why would you want to stay with them.
It does get a bit tricky when you talk about how someone is parenting... and the complexity of dating someone with kids.. or when you have kids.. means there is someone else's needs and wants being thrown in the mix.. and that can be hard for the non-bio parent to accept sometime.. and difficult for the bio parent to balance.. and it is tough to change a dynamic that has been in place for their whole life.
But, being angry at the kid for being raised as they were is kind of unfair... the person who created the monster.. who made the choices and taught their child to be what they are.. is your girlfriend.. she should bear every amount of resentment.. not her child who was raised as if she hung the moon. And as such.. your girlfriend created a problem.. doesn't want to fix any of it.. and wants you to suck it up... sounds like not much of a girlfriend right?
This is kind of a case of love it or leave it unfortunately.. either you stay and accept and learn to live with how they are living... or you leave and live how you want to without your girlfriend.. those are the two choices we have as step-parents... because if they aren't changing.. then nothing will change.. we can't force it.
Exactly. Accept it or get out
Exactly. Accept it or get out.
My SDiablas were pure hell as spoiled brat teens and as adults they are an energy suck. The good news is they went away. The bad news is they always come back to visit and recently those visits have been extended enough that they are living with us part-time. It's not fun. I have faith they will piss-off soon enough and leave DH and I to live our life together. Our life is quite good and pleasant when they aren't here.
Unless SD is making you leave
The living room because she is sleeping there. That isn't a big deal BUT your DW saying this is the way, we always did it. Is a sign. DW went in a new relationship, when she has a relationship with her ex. I bet she didn't tell him that. They worked out a new relationship with new traditions. One expects that when you go into a new relationship you make your own new family traditions.
unfortunately SD ..most likely feels she doesn't matter anymore .. new man comes in and trying to take control over her life.
'She is fighting for her spot in her mothers heart. You are in a situation, where you are fighting for your place in the family. What you should have. I you heard the phrase ..She not ready for a new relationship. DW isn't ready,
'You two need to see someone who can help you three , work it out. Everyone especially SD has to give up things. I am not the one to give up. But like SD can sleep in living room Friday and Saturday . Saturday being movie night. With pizza, popcorn, ..ect... Sun to Thursday she is in her room.
DW if she doesn't want another fail marriage, she must show you more respect. And created new traditions. As a new partner, you want your own way of doing things. I remember, what ever way she did it with the ex. It had to change. Christmas tree new location in the house, all new glasses, plates, knifes and forks. Since she moved in with 3 kids and 4 garbage bags of stuff it was easy. And fun getting all new . Took years to accomplish.
Ehhh....it can be. Teens tend
Ehhh....it can be. Teens tend to sleep until the afternoon. If there's a teen flopped on the couch all day and you're expected to be silent in your own living room and keep it dark until they wake up, it affects you. If your couch is all sweaty and snotty from them sleeping and drooling on it, it affects you. Can't watch your own main TV, there's a mess of blankets and cords by the couch, etc.
Absolutely.. I know what you
Absolutely.. I know what you mean... but he could approach that by setting limits on tiime and clutter.
She can sleep there.. but has to be up by X time on weekdays.. and Y time on weekends for example. Has to clear her pillows and blankets to her room when she wakes up etc...
The real problem here is how his GF reacts to his issues with the daughter and her sleeping on the couch. The girl isn't 5 and having a nightmare.. she should be able to sleep without mom at 15. But mom created that monster.. and seems resistant to any attempt to change things.. so if his GF won't change.. won't try to adjust for his comfort.. then were is the basis for this relationship?
Is there any extenuating reason that they have developed this habit? Is the room too cold.. is there no TV there.. is the bed uncomfortable.. is there some emotional problem that needs counseling? I mean.. at a point.. we do need to figure out whether people are not for us or not.
My biggest point that he needs to take to the bank here.. is that the girl is not the problem.. how the girl was raised by his GF is the problem... The resistance by his girlfriend to making the home comfortable for him is a problem.. she is not being a good partner.. it sounds like there is no point in staying.. and it's not her daughter's fault.. it's his girlfriend's and his incompatibility.
Oh, definitely gf's fault.
Oh, definitely gf's fault. She sounds like it's all about her and her kid.
Uggggh (shudder). I don't
Uggggh (shudder). I don't think I could deal with a couch in the main living room being taken over with permanent items from bedtime all day etc. Main areas are communal for everyone to use.
If anyone uses our couches to
If anyone uses our couches to sleep on like out of town guests I always put down a sheet. It just grosses me out in so many ways. Who wants to lay where someone was sitting without a barrier. Yes ughh and shudder Yesterdays.
I think that it's a bit of a
I think that it's a bit of a red flag. The kind that makes you look to any other unbecoming things.. Kids being overly spoiled, never being told no, always getting their way, kids needs above yours. The part that bothers me is that she doesn't listen to your concern and just says it's always been that way. When we have a new partner come in then some things need to change. Step kids don't like this of course so it's a balancing act.
To me a partner sleeping in the living room with a 15 year old on the couch would bother the heck out of me too. So you're not alone in that.
Tell them that as SD doesn't
Tell them that as SD doesn't want her room, you might as well turn it into a gym/office/man cave/other and see how much longer she sleeps on the couch.
You could also make yourself into a major pain by wanting to watch movies that run late into the night and want to watch the news early in the morning regardless of who's sleeping there. They both have bedrooms to sleep in and you'd only be expecting to use the living room for its proper function.
I love your line of thinking
I love your line of thinking
Response
I have already thought about leaving and that is something that I'm considering, however I'm in a lease with my GF at the moment until June 2025. I will have to endure what I can for now and see if she is willing to seek counseling for these issues. I understand I shouldn't be getting upset with the daughter, however it is very frustrating when you are getting disrespected and cannot say anything without being made to feel if you do it will blow up in your face. The daughter is babied so much that she will tell mom that she feels like I'm trying to get her in trouble. Therefore I keep my mouth shut and choose to go into the Den or stay out of the way. Not an ideal situation. I take many trips up to my house about 45 mins away where my daughters are living. I can move back into my home in June once this lease is up, if things don't change and my GF doesn't seem to want to go to counesling to resolve this issue. I feel that sleeping on the couch with a 15 year old is unacceptable. I lived in a single parent home and never slept outside my bedroom or out of my bed unless my friends spent the night, and then we would sleep in the living room to watch movies. I would never have a parent, let alone even think of sleeping on the couch. Nap probably.but never as a bedtime ritual. Based on all the comments I have been provided a lot of great information and I truly appreciate it
Correct me if i'm wrong, but
Correct me if i'm wrong, but it sounds like you have a house you can move back into at any time. You are locked into a lease with your gf until June. So your choices are 1) Pay for your half of the apt with gf while living there and being unhappy, and 2) Pay for your half of the apt while living at your own house and possibly being happier. Either way, you pay the money, the only difference is where you live?
He could test the water on
He could test the water on getting off the lease... or see if GF would just pay the whole thing to prevent her credit from being ruined.. I mean.. if she is the kind that would not pay the full bill if she is the only one living there.. she was maybe using him to get a better place to stay.
Also.. rental markets are hot around the country.. he can see if the landlord would let them terminate early.. for onlly a minor penalty.. or if they could sublet..
Response
Two things here, 1). I am renting out both the other rooms in my house. 2). There is no way my GF can afford this house we are renting without my income. if we did half she could. So I am stuck unfortunately until next year.
So use that to your advantage
So use that to your advantage. You hold the cards here, play them to your advantage.
Two cents- I actually don't
Two cents- I actually don't love communal spaces being taken and wholly used by kids...It creates a problem where it isn't a space everyone can use. It's hers. I had this problem with one stepson who would absorb the kitchen and the living room - it was really irritating. At one point I stopped cooking altogether because I didn't have counterspace with all his toys everywhere. It's inappropriate for a kid to assume these spaces are theirs. Not sure you can do much if DW isn't willing to budge but that would make it all so much more clear for June to get the H*** out of there and NOT re-rent the rooms in your home. Return back and enjoy your life again.
A different take. Your home, your rules. Enforce them.
Yes, I know it is also your GF's home. However, the standards of behavior and standards of performance that any kids in your home will be held to are entirely yours to set. If your GF does not like those standards and how you enforce them then she can set more stringent standards and enforce them before you have to. Or, she can enforce the standards that you set before you have to. Do not tolerate less stringent standards.
As equity life partners you both the right to veto topics. It is better that you collaborate and compromise. However, the party vetoing has the duty to deliver appropriate behavior from themselves and their failed family progeny.
GF is your mate. You and you alone set the standards of how she will be treated by anyone else including her own child. My brother and I had that message clearly set by our father. If we had disrespected his wife the consequences were too terrifying to consider. If we made the mistake of doing it more than once, our picture would have been on the side of a milk carton. That his wife is also our mother would not have given us a reprieve. We have exceptionally close relationships with mom and dad and we have raised our own kids to very similar standards to those we were raised with. Respectful reasonable behavior delivers a pleasant childhood. Disrespectful crap delivers a childhood of escalating abject misery and if the kid does not gain clarity by the age of majority it finds that the key to the home no longer works and it is on it's own.
I suggest that any child in your home will comply with the behavioral standards of respect that you and you alone set. If your GF does not agree with it, she gets no say. She can leave just as well as you can if she does not like it. See how she likes that bullshit that she pulls on you rubbed back in her face.
As for the COMMON areas of the home. Those are the common areas and are not for a kid to dominate. Nothing in the home or family is for a minor child to dominate. Yes, your idiot parent of a GF created her toxic noxious spawn. However, that kid makes choices and must be held accountable for the consequences of the choices it makes regardless of h9ow it was raised. I would make the living/family room clearly common ground where furniture is sat on not slept on, where a kid leaves not a trace of their presence when they leave. We were teens once. We learned without exception to not pull the crap that your noxious SKid pulls. We went to bed at bed time. If we crashed on sofa and anyone else wanted to watch a show, sit and talk, etc... we moved. Failure to vacate promptly very well may have resulted in a pitcher of ice water being applied to motivate us to move. Then we had to dry the sofa and make it usable for its intended purpose.
You are not an equity partner to your GF. You are her cash cow and nothing more. What exactly is it about your failed adult, failed partner, and failed parent of a GF that you love so much?
She pollutes you life with her lack of standards and her noxious failed family progeny.
"Other than that Mrs. Lincoln. How was the play?"
I could not even imagine tolerating the things you are choosing to suffer at the hands of your GF and her failed family progeny. Care more about yourself.
You have one life. Live it well.
Take care of you.