Nearly everything you said, applies to me. I have been disengaged from both SDs (aged 27, 29) for 20 yrs, mainly due to the fact that their mother taught them to hate me. My DH never challenged them about it and never had my back with them.  He was scared of losing his relationship with them.  It is totally different with my 2 daughters, (39 and 41).  He gets on well with both and they come and stay with us several times a year, with their children, who look upon DH as their grandpa. 

2 yrs ago, SD29, behaved so badly to me that I cut off all contact with her and will not meet her at all.  I have said DH can invite her here but I will go to friends.  He is unwilling to do this. Probably my only difference to your situation is that I no longer want a welcome from my SD - she has well and truly burned her boats with me and I want nothing more to do with her. 

Unfortunately, the dynamics with stepkids aren't necessarily the same as those with other friends and family when you marry someone new.

Skids almost always have another parent.. and potentially an extended family of that other parent that could conspire to work against the new partner.  There can be resentment and jealousy and bitterness that come from the parent's split that end up poisoning the ability of the child to build any good relationship with the new partner... it's unfortunate.  

I would hope that your husband's other friends and family make him welcome.. like yours do.  

I also think it appears to be more typical that it happens like this with bio mom's being territorial over thier kids more than bio dad's (who are often on the short end of the custody stick.. ).. and dad's are often not as typically main caregivers of the kids prior to the split.. so kids align with mom.. and this situation is what results.

I'm super lucky that my husband's kids were not poisoned towards me.  I think mom tried.. but maybe me not trying to step into the mother role helped (in part because as a person with no kids.. I didn't really want to..lol).. so she was only so threatened.. and it was only a few times that things really were contentious over things I did that were "crossing that line).

It is absolutely a double standard - do your best to sink your energy into those that love you and that are truly family. I have to remind myself (often) that I am unwanted and not cared for and as the years have gone by it's getting better in seeing the situation objectively and caring less and less. You'll find that your life is really interesting and full of opportunities, fun, creativity and vitality...whereas their lives are not. When you stop pinning and start thinking of yourself looking in a crystal ball at these people interacting what you'll likely find is they are uninteresting and unevolved. 

It is a double standard. Same in my life. Well, until they stopped talking to DH too.

Our lives are so similar, it's scary. I have taken your exact position in regards to SKs. And DH has the exact position on my side as your SO. 

My DH just returned from a trip (flight needed) visiting his son/grandkids for a week. I thoroughly enjoyed my week alone and accomplished a lot of stuff. Lots of me time. Again, it's really nice to take care of just me for awhile.

But I get it. My DH has been fully accepted into my family.  When we visit my bio kids, DH comes right along with no questions asked. He and my son are extremely close to the point, sometimes, I think he comes to see DH rather than me. LOL (I do love that). He's surrograte grandpa for my niece's son (my sister died young; I'm surrograte grandma). 

Here's the kicker though. DH has two STEP grandkids....he was not given a choice. Was just put in the role of grandpa for those kids while I'm shunned from any "grand" role in his grandkids lives. SMH No worries...I'm over that, too. More money to spend on my grand and myself. And NO free babysitting. LOL

Good for you for keeping boundaries! I would absolteuly not go visit either. I sometimes think about this when SD14 gets older... she doesn't have much of any relationship/interactions with DS3. I really hope DH doesn't try to force a "sibling" relationship there when SD has never accepted myself or my son really. I want to protect him from the drama if at all possible!

Not specifically step-life related. Since my IL clan is not the Step Clan.  They are all related either by blood or by marriage.  My side of our blended family equation does not perpetrate this crap.

But... my IL clan has this though it is more of an ignoring the elephant in the room thing. At the surface level they all commit to a facade of acceptance of the mate of any member of the family. Kind of like a herd of ducks serenely gliding on the surface of the water together, while underneath, they are fighting each other like crazy.  The surface is a facade of acceptance, just under the surface is the insanely active back stabbing, undermining, isolating efforts, etc, etc, etc.... No one, but me and occassionally my DW, calls this crap out.  When I do it, they all STFU and pout. They ignore that I confronted it other than to wait it out and restart their usual shit some time later.  When DW does it, everyone gets all butt hurt that the Emporers new clothes have been shown to be nonexistent and then the anger is targeted at my DW.  Their anger is not directed at the one or ones doing the backstabing, undermining, etc.  Their anger is directed at the one who has had enough and bares toxic ass.

I go. Even if I was not welcome or even if I was expressly excluded, I would go.  I take it to be my role to scrub their noses in he pile of shit they are standing on that is just below the calm welcoming surface facade.

With my family, DW is fully welcomed, accepted, and valued. She has made our family name even more honorable than it otherwise is.  SS was accepted from moment one as my mom and dad's eldest though not first GK and as my brother's and his wife's nephew, and their 3 kids cousin.  This is all to the point that my parents refer to my DW as their daughter. No mention of her being their DIL.  Just, their daugther.  Though upon occassion for clarification, they mention that she is my wife.

I am lucky to be retained at full family member status in my own family.

My family is legitimately accepting and does not play or tolerate these games.  Woe to the person who would even try.  This is to the point that my mom was never accepting of our experiences with the SpermGrandHag. Mom always felt we were over inflating the issues.  This went on for 15yrs.  She always gave the Hag the benefit of the doubt. Attempted to reach to bond with the Hag as grandmothers to SS with zero response.  The Christmas before SS's HS graduation my parents visited us for the Holidays.  They happened to be there when the Hag went off on one of her raging vitriolic attacks on my DW.  The phone rang, DW was on with the Hag, who was cursing, ranting, and calling my DW every name in the book except kind, beautiful, and successful.  My mom's eyes bugged out, her jaw hit the floor, she got up, approched my DW, touched her on the shoulder, took the phone from her hand, and completely destroyed the Hag. Then told her to grow up and not to call back until she had. Then hung up. She tearfully appologized to my DW for not accepting what we had been saying all of the years we had been recounting the SpermClan and SpermGrandHag vitriolic drama.

Shit is as shit does. Never let the shit lose track of the fact that they are shit.  Roaches congregate to eat shit. I am of the mind that being fully in their faces present and radiant drives them insane and sends them scurrying for the dark corners. Be radiant, enjoy the crunch as we stomp on the roaches as they bolt from our living well radiance.  Living well is after all, the best revenge.

IMHO of course.

My family welcomes husband completely - and they tried with the rest also, but his are not so forthcoming.

And the skids! LOLOLOL. Not even thank yous when my mother would send presents and gift cards.

They stopped inviting Powersulk SD17 to dinners also, because she would sit there, powersulking, texting her friends, or off on the phone, and order an expensive meal (I want to try something new!) and then not like it and not eat it.

Can you tell him you'd like to make a solo trip? He makes solo trips... *unknw*

Raising my hand! Same situation here. My family and friends (and my ex) have always embraced and included DH. My family really wanted and tried to embrace the ingrate skids, too. A cousin who lived mid-way between our house and BMs offered her house as a visitation meeting point for all of us--pool, boat, and horses included--and was snubbed by the skids. Skids did not only disapprove of/reject me, but did the same with my family. THEY are the ones missing out.

When DH had his health crisis last year, my brother offered his home (through me) to skids because it was closer to the hospital (and he knows our relationships are not good and I needed some peace).  I not only told him I would never subject him to their rudeness but they didn't deserve to stay there. My brother and his wife go all out on cooking for others/entertaining and are wonderful people to be around. Skids had their chance to be welcomed by my family multiple times beginning 18 years ago, but anything associated with me was looked at as if it stank. As long as I have known the ingrates, they have never asked about anyone in my family, including my mother when she was terminally ill. They have no idea how many siblings I have. They know nothing about my late father. 

My DH, too, travels to see the ingrates. I have forever used those times to have girlfriend weekends, pamper myself at spas, etc. It has always worked out well. 

Do I dislike the ingrates? Yes. At times, passionately. And I gave up on them years ago. I tried hard early on. I kept forgiving. I kept ignoring. But I was only hurting myself. My life is better without them. DH and I spend our energies on kind people. Do I get a little evil enjoyment over signs of skid jealousy when DH mentions doing something with my family members? Yes....because the ingrates pushed us away and refused to behave like homo sapiens around me. This was of their making. Make a bed out of poop and what do you lie down in? 

My view: F those people. Enjoy the good people in your life and be ok with DH enjoying them, too. 
 

In the back of my mind, I really resent this "one-way" imbalance and his attitude - that it's perfectly OK for his daughter and family to be unwelcome to me, but he KNOWS he is welcome and accepted in my family.

 

I get how you feel (maybe you blame his mindset and viewpoint in this case) however he can't control those people behavior anymore than you can control your side's behavior   The only difference is your family seems like they're more mature unlike his overgrown feral spawns 

S-life sucks - forever. For those who think it changes when the skids get older, don't kid yourself. 
 

thanks for the heads up. I'm going to stand firm on my decision not to ever live with a man who has underage dependents. 

SS24 moved out 2 years ago, and has never invited DH over (DH invites himself over roughly once a month since his grandson was born). SS19 has been living with SS24 for the past 6 months, and also only reaches out to DH if he needs something. I don't think they hate me, but I don't think they care for me too much either (barely get texts from either of them). Sad because I did try to be a decent stepmom (never tried to take on a mom role since they always had their mom), but I think just the combo of alienation their mom taught them to have for me, plus SS24's insecurities with whoever DH moved on with, plus SS19 blindly supporting SS24.....resulted in this non relationship we have.

I'm trying to get myself used to the time he goes to see them. I do enjoy my me time, though I am anxious about possibly being invited to future events (I don't care to go anywhere and pretend we have an awesome relationship). I expect when stepgrandson makes a year they will invite me (likely for gifts and because they may feel obligated) but let's see. I do wish DH would see they don't look for him for the right reasons. I told him as much this week. I also don't like the feeling of having a split family, though there isn't anything I can do about it. I am grateful we all don't live together anymore. I'm grateful I don't have to babysit stepgrandson by default that SS24 I feel is deliberately not setting up family events because he is afraid some truths might be revealed to his BM. I'll just maintain my distance and peace...and hope for the best. 

But yes, there is a teeny part of me that wishes DH knew what it felt like. I highly doubt he'd be even going for the month to visit them because he'd understand how rude it is. 

IMHO, this is entirely on the spinless partner.  If it were me, I would have my mate with me and make it crystal clear that if there was even one sigh, rolled eye, or untoward behavioral microsecond that it would be game on and I would own their toxic idiot asses from that second forward. For the rest of their miserable lives. No tolerance, not one Cent of money, they would rue the day.  If they want to be treated decently, the need to behave decently.

Day in, and day out, until they either check out early or get their shit together.

This imbalance would not stand in my world.  Not without the ones perpetrating it suffering beyond measure anyway.  My mate would be with me, we would be staying in lavish lodgings, we would be living our best lives, full frontal to their misery because I would make sure they were seeing it and understanding that they are shit.  We would attend every family event and be radiant while we do it.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Is that although SD wants nothing to do with me or my kids since the day we laid eyes on each other years ago, she has to know everything about me and my kids.  Just today I overheard DH blabbing to SD that I need a medical procedure, and I had just learned of the problem a few hours before. I usually simmer in silence. When confronted he either denies it or says "it's just Mary. You are so paranoid. You think everyone is against you."  Then I do a massive eye roll and curse him and his spawn in my mind. 
 

There is an intrinsic imbalance in step life and it rears it's head in so many ways. My family adores my husband, treats him with warmth and kindness and give him more for birthdays, holidays and special occasions than his own family. My mom even made him a quilt to commemorate a career achievement. I'm not sure his family cared one bit.

When it comes to his family and especially SD I haven't done anything to them but I will never be accepted. As someone else put it BM and SD are butthurt about other people being in "their spots" though it's not like they ever occupied them in the same way. I also feel like my in laws don't fully accept me because I wasn't the first in this spot either. What REALLY ticks me off if that they don't fully embrace my kids (their blood relatives) because of some worry that it will offend princess SD. My nieces and nephews from DH side are fully embraced, they aren't the same competition.

I get resentful about it too but then I remember I'm from the relatively more emotionally healthy family and if my in laws, SD and BM have all these unresolved issues then I'm fine if they keep their distance. I didn't cause any of it, it was there before I arrived yet the stepparent is always the scapegoat like we are supposed to show up and fix the family that was broken before we got here.

The same exact thing goes on in my relationship of 6 years. My SO was welcomed by my family and friends and treated kindly, with respect, not ignored. He goes to EVERYTHING on my side and enjoys himself. On the reverse, I haven't been welcome to anything involving his daughters. It took 3 years to be involved with anything in life at all because I didn't exist. 

So now his daughter is having a wedding in Spain, rented a villa for her groom, his parents, her sister and sister's 4 yo daughter, her mother and her father, my partner of 6 years and I'm supposed to stay home. 

They are insane with this crap. I told him it will never stop and out of your mouth, that's proof it never does when you're dealing with evil people. They'd have to change their whole nature and character and that's never happening. 

YES! I had this same conversation with DH a couple of weeks ago. He was upset that I am disengaged and SD and I don't have a relationship. I told him it goes both ways! There is not only zero effort on SD part, but DH doesn't encourage it either. He lets her skip dinner, eat in her room, not attend family functions, decide her visitation etc. I told him SD excludes HERSELF and I am done being blamed for everyone's problem. I was pretty point blank about it with how he contributed to the problems over the years too... no accountability from SD ever, no apologies, no consequences (not even dealing with me, just in general). SD's default is playing the victim and DH has definitely played into it. It will not bode well for her when she is an adult. It worked when SD was younger... but at 15, she can't keep using the "my parents are divorced, woe is me" card anymore. It's old. 

I have known SD since she was 5. After 10 years, I realized I will never be accepted by her AND THAT'S OKAY with me at this point. I just need DH to accept it too. 

I just have to post this and it has nothing to do with anything on this thread.

I am getting creeped out at the ads for burial caskets that are popping up as I read here.  I'm old, but not ready to go yet.  LOL!!