Is it abuse?
Hey you guys. Please share with me your thoughts.
My husband has two boys that he barely gets to see. It's always been like this. But as they get older it's gets worse. Their mother is constantly pregnant so since they have been old enough they are given the responsibility to care for their siblings. But it's at a level were when my husband tries to see them the mother makes it hard because she doesn't want the boys to leave because they have to care for their siblings. Yesterday we got in town and he surprised them by coming to see them and told them to have their mother call him so he could have a day with them but the mother would not answer the phone. He then calls his older son and he takes the phone to his mom and all you can hear is baby crying in the background and the mother never came to the phone. She always makes it difficult to see the boys especially since they are 14 and 15 now. There was a time they were visiting us and the mom made up a lie about them having to return to school and had their aunt and uncle drive to get them out of town so they could help her when the baby is born even though her mom and husband are in the home as well. So the boys are also doing house chores and taking care of the siblings full time on top of school work and it's hard for my husband to get time with them. Is this abuse?
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I don't know that I'd call
I don't know that I'd call that abuse, but why is he not seeing the boys? Does he have a court order with visitation outlined? Has he taken her to court for contempt of her not following the order? Many siblings help take care of their younger siblings. The fact that she's withholding is the problem
They had the children very
They had the children very young. My husband was 16 when his first son was born so they never did the court stuff. Since he went to the military and traveled a lot and got out he's just always lived in a different state. So he will get them in summers and on certain holidays with no issues. Even when we moved back to the same state for 3 years he could barely see them and she would say they didn't finish chores so they can't do. And It's been recently even worse since she's had more children and now relies on them fully to care for them when she's working. So she doesn't want them gone days at a time even to see their father. She has like 6 other kids outside of the two that are by my husband. They have no lives their life is to babysit. Unless they are going somewhere as a family.
He needs a court order for
He needs a court order for visitation. Without that bm is within her rights (having sole custody) to decline visits.
Wow
Wow I never knew that. I'm not sure if he knows either but I'll let him know.
Fathers who are not married
Fathers who are not married to the mothers at birth have no rights. Those rights have to be established through the courts. If your DH is on the birth certificate, that will be easier. If he isn't on the birth certificate, it will be harder to establish those rights. BM would need to sign a paternity affidavit OR DH and the boys would have to take a paternity test through the courts.
Establishing rights does mean establishing visitation BUT also means establishing child support. Additionally, getting a visitation schedule with teenagers, and having it enforced, is going to be really, really hard.
My advice would be to avoid courts at this point. His sons will be adults in 3-4 years. It sounds like he gets summer and holidays with the boys, but not other times? Or is he not getting any visitation whatsoever? Honestly, for peace, it may be best to just keep dealing with this until the boys are adults.
In the interim, DH should still call and try to visit his sons. He should still show support to them and try to be active in their lives even if at a distance. The courts are not likely to switch custody, and BM isn't going to get in trouble for having her sons take care of their siblings. Unless they're in physical danger, there isn't much that your DH is going to be able to do. He'd be lucky to get a court order in place before the oldest turned 18.
Wow that is unfortunate. I
Wow that is unfortunate. I don't believe he was able to sign the bc because they have here last name. But he's always been an active father and calls them on the regular and has always gotten them summers and holidays but more recently that's been very hard because she has them babysitting all of the time. But I feel he won't want to take it to court and just try to work with her as much as he can. He hates drama so court will never be an option for him and I get it.
I have a question for you:
I have a question for you: why are you asking if this is abuse? Is there a thought that claiming they're being abused may result in your DH getting more custody?
Truth is, if he isn't on the BC, the boys wouldn't be placed with him on the very slim chance that BM were to lose custody. Either her family or a foster family would. Your DH not having legal paternity established means he has no legal relation to his sons. That means if something happens to BM and she loses custody, your DH will HAVE to go to court in order to get custody of his sons. He'll have to establish paternity that way.
So be very careful about claiming abuse and wandering down that path. Does it sound like their life is ideal? Not sure. Smelly teen boys who help take care of their younger siblings sounds fully within the realm of normal.
That would not be considered
That would not be considered abuse - lots of kids help around the house and care for younger siblings. As for visitation, if your husband wants regular visitation that's not solely at BM's discretion, he needs a court order. If he's never bothered to get one, that's on him. Does he pay child support?
He sends them money and has
He sends them money and has an account for them but is not on child support. They never dealt with court or government at all. He was 16 when they were born and he didn't feel it would be necessary. This is happening more sense they are of age to do for their younger siblings. But I asked is it abuse not because they help around the house and those things but because they are not being allowed a life outside of that is my concern. Even his oldest son said he is to get a job to help pay bills soon and he isn't even 16. Should children not be allowed to be kids? Visit friends and family? All they are allowed to do is take care of their siblings even during home school hours. It was just a concern of mine because it bothers him is all.
Be very careful if he decides to establish paternity.
Be very careful if he decides to establish paternity. If your DH does decide to establish paternity, he may be responsible for all the years of child support that he missed. He shouldn't even mention it to BM without talking to a lawyer first.
With as many kids as it
With as many kids as it sounds like bm has....she probably doesn't want to do "legal" child support either..... she "gets more" if she keeps it off the books.
Has it ever occured to him
Has it ever occured to him that if they were ever sick or had an accident on his time, he wouldn't even have the right to take them to see a doctor let alone the ER?