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Nightmare stepchildren

misery in CT's picture

Submitted by misery in CT on Thu, 03/04/2021 - 12:12pm

Hi,

I recently (6 months ago) married a man with 3 adult children. The children are grown--25, 26, and 29. The eldest has two mental illnesses (bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder) and has never worked. These men have said horrible things about me and been dismayed about my relationship with their father from the beginning. They have accused me of being a drug addict, a golddigger, and an alcoholic. I am none of these things and, in fact, make more money than their father. Only one son came to our wedding--the mentally ill one. He is now threatening me for the 3rd time within a year--to make up lies to get me fired and destroy my reputation (I have a high-paying and somewhat public job). The other two typically bemoan the fact that we are married and are extremely verbally abusive to their Dad. They call him horrible names (and me too, though not to my face) and show him no respect, despite him having worked very hard to ensure that they attended all the best private schools and colleges, lived in an expensive home, and took luxury vacations their whole lives. He finally cut off the youngest two financially a few months ago at 25 and 26. The oldest is still on the dole. My husband recently has told them they cannot come over if they don't behave, but it is tough for him to hold them accountable or impose consequences, so I don't have high hopes that this will "stick" and change behavior. The stress of these men in our lives is destroying what should be a happy relationship as newlyweds. He tells me to forget about it and live my life. I am getting ready to speak to my employer about his son's threats, who also has a history of violence. Any advice? 

Comments

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 03/04/2021 - 1:26pm

I too work in a public job. My boss considers us in our jobs to be "public figures".

Take this all very seriously as your husband's failure to parent should not deprive you of your living.

My DH, he flat out told the SD21 Feral Forger that she cannot live with us when she called him (on my phone, on Christmas morning) crying and sobbing her heart out (because SD14 Munchkin and her mother asked her to please clean up her stuff - aka they were "ganging up on her).

When she tearfully asked "but dont you WANT me?" He long-paused and told her straight - "You know I do, but it would destroy my life here, and I cant do that."

So - we all understand the need for a parent to be sympathetic to a child that has mental issues and has need of them, however this "child" is being disrespectful to his mate, his life partner. He needs to draw some hard lines with his "children", they are all grown and should be resepctful or they are not included in your lives together. Period.

BLOCK and DOCUMENT. If you recieve any threats in any way, get a restraining order. 
The house you live in is your sanctuary. Disrespectful spawn do not get to come inside if they do not respect you and their father. If your husband cannot create and enforce boundaries, you are fully within your rights to create and enforce them. It sounds like they are all disrespecful and miserable, and he can have his relationship with them continue outside of your shared home.

Hopefully you keep your finances separate and have life insurance and wills. Hopefully you have discussed inheritances and all that good stuff, because it will rear its ugly head when someone gets sick or passes.
Take care of YOU.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 03/04/2021 - 1:41pm

There is no man in the world for whom I would put up with this crap. If he can't set boundaries on his entitled kids because it's "tough for him to impose consequences or hold them accountable", then get out now. No harm in saying you made a mistake.

At the very least file charges and restraining orders on them one by one, until they leave you alone.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Thu, 03/04/2021 - 2:16pm

Whether it is tough for him to hold them accountable or impose consequences or not, your husband needs to do so.  You should not have to endure threats from his kids, or worry about your job because his kid is a mentally ill jerk.  Next time your husband tells you to forget about it and live your life, let him know that if he doesn't fix this situation quickly you'll be living your life without him.