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vacation plans

Bluebirds77's picture

My DH has 2 teen kids which do not stay with us ever.  No more than a few hours at a time, not even weekly.   We also have 2 bio kids together.  Is it fair for the kids that don't come over to get to go on vacations with us? I can't say they "contribute" anything to the family as far as doing chores, helping around the house etc. like we expect our other 2 kids to do.  Also behavior isn't great to say the least.  We would like to just take our bio kids on a vacation this year but don't know how to approach that.  Or do you even approach it since there's no set visitation with them? They just come whenever.  Something for my DH to handle and decide I"m sure but would like other's thoughts on this.. 

tog redux's picture

I don't personally think you are obligated to take the skids on every vacation you take - if they rarely come over, how will they even know you have gone on a vacation?

Or is your DH feeling guilty if he doesn't take them?

Bluebirds77's picture

He does talk to them often (once or twice a day).  I think he will be made to feel guilty if he doesn't ask them but we are used to doing things with our bio kids only for the most part. the ones he sees daily.  

Harry's picture

Make memories with your bio kids. And feel guilty about SK.  Then have SH destroy your vacation you are paying for.  So if you feel guilty. That will. go away once SK do something to you.  If they don't stay with you or sleep over ,  How are you going to go away with them ?  You don't even know them.  There habitats, bed time, ect ?

SMto2's picture

Yes, as I said below, my DH still feels that obligation even though SKs are grown and married, so it may never end.

notarelative's picture

How old are the bios? It's easier to do a separate vacation when there is an age difference and you are going somewhere geared to the younger kids. (teens won't want to go to Storytown or Santa's Village) 

Bluebirds77's picture

4 & 7 / skids are 17 & 19.  we wanted to do a theme park with some of the bios friends we are family friends with.  

Survivingstephell's picture

That age difference is good! Teens don't want to hang with little kids. Go and have fun. Guilt  free. 

SMto2's picture

Oh gosh! A theme park would be AWFUL with that age spread! I've had HORRIBLE experiences at theme parks/water parks where I was left to spend the day alone with my bios as small children and DH spent the day riding the "big rides" with SKs. This even happened a few years ago when we took the whole family to Disney. My DH went off with SKs (in their early 20s but still big kids) to ride rides while I was with my youngest and SDIL and the toddler SGDs. My youngest was 10 at the time and too old for the baby rides that SGDs went on yet too young for the big rides SKs went on. I've said I WILL take my bios back someday without SKs so my youngest can enjoy it more, but I haven't yet, and with COVID, who knows how long it will  be. In your case, unless you think your SKs would go off on their own without your DH so he could be with you for the day, I absolutely would not go to an amusement park with them.

Bluebirds77's picture

This is what happened last time. It felt like we were split up alot. Husband with kid and me with ours. Which the youngest (girl) step cant do anything by herself. Had to call her mother to ask what to wear. 

ESMOD's picture

As long as your husband doesn't want them to come.. he should be the one to deal with the questions etc.. from his older kids.

There is no rule that says all the kids have to be included in everything.. 

Is this the first vacation that they would not be included in?  Is it a theme park where the older kids may have outgrown the experience?  
 

Bluebirds77's picture

The younger teen has been on 1 vacation with us a few years ago. it was something... we both said not again.   we usually do 1-2/ year. the problem lies in i'm a planner and he waits til the last minute to invite due to a variety of reasons. this is just a trip i want our bio kids to experience.     

Dogmom1321's picture

Like you said, you tried a vacay with SK and it didn't work out. Also, how can you plan something in advance if 1. SK don't live with you and don't have a schedule and 2. they have totally different interests. 

DH is more than welcome to plan his own trip with his kids if he feels the need to vacation with them... or if they make him feel guilty. However, his relationship with his kids isn't your responsibilty. Enjoy time with your bios!

Rags's picture

Just take your core family vacation. If the kids call while you are vacationing, just tell them you are out of town and to come on a specific date that works for you and DH.  Non resident kids are not the priority. Particularly when they don't even comply with a regular visitation CO.

Rags's picture

You may very well be bitter. Rightfully so IMHO.  

There is nothing wrong with being irritated with a partner who is dedicated to catering to failed family children while ignoring the spouse and children from the viable family.

SMto2's picture

My SSs were EOW but completely stopped coming and were pretty much no contact for about 5 years once they each reached around age 12. Prior to that, we took them on a vacation annually. The 5 or so years they were no contact were the most wonderful vacation years, as DH and I took just our 2 bios and with not having to pay for SSs, we went on numerous trips to the Caribbean, which our DSs LOVED. Now my SSs are grown (25 & 26) and for about 5 years, have been on speaking terms with DH, though VERY distant. My DH now feels he must invite SSs and take them on our annual family vacation again. Not only that but both SSs are married and one has two kids, so it's a total of 6 additional people we pay for. The Caribbean trips are no more, as I would never agree to pay the exorbitant amount it would cost to take that many people out of the country. (We booked a beach house this year and spent about $13k for the week for the house and all meals except 1 lunch oldest SS purchased for his family.) 

 

I find it totally overwhelming and depressing and am trying to find a way to work through it. I could take just my bios without DH, as could you, but my DH would not be happy about that, and I really wouldn't want to go without him. Plus, I don't want to cause that kind of friction in my marriage. Would your DH be ok with that option? Even if he's not, if you're willing to go with your bios without him, that would eliminate the problem. 

Winterglow's picture

Have you ever been absolutely honest with him and told you that this didn't work for you any more, that youi've done your best for 5 years but it just isn't working for you? Tell him you've had it with communal holidays. Why not just give them a sum every year to pay for their own holiday?

Look, you hardly have any time off as it stands so why take a vacation with people who make you feel thoroughly drained? Tell him it' time he started thinking about yoiu (as a couple) and not just him as an estranged parent trying to buy his kids love and attention back (because that's what he's doing, right?). By the way, how's that working out for him? Making him happy? Bet it isn't but would he admit it? 

SMto2's picture

Although I don't want to hijack the OP's thread, especially since I've blogged about this extensively, I will answer your question. Yes, my DH is fully aware of how much I dislike the annual vacation and all the reasons for it. It's not just the money but the fact that SKs seem so entitled and barely lift a hand to contribute anything towards all the work involved. I was crazy busy at work this week so I didn't get a chance to comment on the blog about grief from estrangement due to PAS, but I'm certain one of the reasons my DH invites SSs on the family vacay that he fully funds is, it's an almost guaranteed opportunity to see them so they're not estranged and he can avoid that pain. He understands it's a shell of a relationship based solely on what he can give them, but in DH's mind, it's better than no contact at all. I know many people here have DH's who feel it's better to tell the SKs who act like this to eff off rather than have a superficial relationship, and in their opinion, that's what my DH should do, but I think each person has to do what they can live with that makes them the least unhappy. My DH readily acknowledges that the relationship with SKs is shitty, but the years they were no contact, he had many sleepless nights, would vomit in the middle of the night and was very down. This contact, as superficial as it is, helps him cope better.
 

Having said that, we have agreed this was the  last year for a beach house. In fact, we've decided to purchase a lake house and have agreed that we'll invite SKs there a week each year in lieu of taking them on "the family vacation." We will still have meals to pay for, but because we spend between $12-$13k a year just for renting the beach houses and paying for all activities at the beach  (movies, putt putt, museums, amusement parks, etc) and the lake will BE "the activity," we're factoring that into about $120-130k of the purchase price of our lake house. Plus, I doubt SSs will stay a full week if it's just at the lake house, so I think it will end up costing less overall. I'm sure there will be new and different issues that come with that, but at least I'm getting my dream of owning a vacation home at the lake, and I think the annual " family vacation" likely will cost less and not last as long. 

SteppedOut's picture

So what happens when you take a "real" vacation? 

It's sad that your feelings, your shared children's feelings, mean less than a fake relationship with his "first children". 

That is something I could never be ok with. 

Winterglow's picture

Y

Has he ever had counseling for the loss of his kids? It's never too late to  help him... And it's not fair that you're having to deal with it too. Does he still have night time episodes now that he sees them? 

 

SMto2's picture

No, he hasn't had counseling. He's NOT one to talk about his  feelings, unlike ME. Lol. And while he does have some sleepless nights from time to time (as do I), it's due to the incredible stress we sometimes have at our work, not so much due to SSs. I think DH thinks that relationship is as good as it's going to get, shitty yet not nonexistent, and he doesn't dwell on it. 

Winterglow's picture

Y

Has he ever had counseling for the loss of his kids? It's n Drever too late to  help him... And it's not fair that you're having to deal with it too. Does he still have night time episodes now that he sees them? 

 

Winterglow's picture

Y

Has he ever had counseling for the loss of his kids? It's n Drever too late to  help him... And it's not fair that you're having to deal with it too. Does he still have night time episodes now that he sees them? 

 

Bluebirds77's picture

I've thought of this also. Just feels a lot like parenting out of guilt. But usually step moms and their kids are the ones that pay for it with no warm fuzzy feelings coming from it. 

Bluebirds77's picture

Oh man... I totally feel for you but no way would I offer or agree to paying for trips for adult kids especially if they're married! In college, right out, maybe. But no.  I have entertained the thought of going with just our bios so it doesnt "look as bad" but we usually go with friends and their husbands all go so I dont think he would go for it.  He says he doesnt want to miss out but also I think its partly to save face with our friends. 

Survivingstephell's picture

OMG!  Does his mommy and daddy still take him on vacation???  Kids grow up and move on to their own lives.  That means they don't get to go on vacation anymore on parents dime.  What is it with this gneneration of parents that parent like this?  They never get done with the job.  Are they still bitter that their parents kicked them out of the nest and went on with life without them?  This is what is suppose to happen. I don't want to be a parent for the rest of my life!  I want to move onto the next level of parenting that envolves sitting back and watching my grown up kids live their choices.. Unhappiness about one's lot in life is motivation to make things better, not to come whining to mom and dad about how life is.  So tired of reading about this behavior pattern.  Its crippling a generation.