I don't understand my role in this family!!
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and he has three adult children that live all across the US. When we first got married we all made a big effort to get together 2 or 3 times a year, usually at holidays. As the children have moved on, our "family" time together is almost non-existent. I've seen my two SDs once in the last 18 months. The trouble is that my husband doesn't encourage them to spend time with us, but if he gets a hint that they might have a couple of days free he drops what he's doing to go see them. Often I can't go along because of work and other issues. I've pleaded with him to do a bit more planning so I can participate, but to no avail. It's hard not to think that he really doesn't care if I'm part of their lives or not. He says he'd like to see them with me but if I'm not instantly ready to go he goes alone. He's left me alone at Thanksgiving and Christmas more than once. He's now starting to do this with his parents as well - he just took his mother on a mother-son trip and told me that I wasn't welcome because he wanted to make sure his mother felt special. I'm ready to leave the relationship. I have so much to give, but no opportunities to participate. I don't know how to be happy in a marriage where my husband lives two lives - one with me and one with everybody else. Any advice?
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I've told him so many times
I've told him so many times that it has become a source of constant friction in our relationship. I've said that if I'm such a liability perhaps it would be easier if we weren't together. He says he's tired of me making him feel like a such a failure - that he has a right to see his kids whenever he wants. He also is reluctant to share info about his kids openly. He'll usually tell me what's going on if I ask but sometimes it's like pulling teeth. I think in part he's embarassed by how much money he spends on them. I don't care about the money - he pays for them out of his salary.
No way should you be alone on
No way should you be alone on the holidays. "Wishing" might be right. There have been times when I've told DH that he's hurting my feelings and he's had NO idea. On the other hand, if you've spoken to him about this before and he either doesn't care or isn't willing to change or compromise, then I'd really question whether he's committed to you as his primary relationship. Maybe you could suggest that you'd like to have Thanksgiving or Christmas at your house and ask the kids to plan to come there?
We've done that and they
We've done that and they haven't been interested in traveling in the last couple of years. I asked my husband if we could agree that nobody will be left alone on holidays. His kids have spouses/significant others/family that they can be with if they don't spend time with us. He didn't agree to this idea - I'm here all the time and the SKs aren't so they seem to get priority.
I also have a husband with
I also have a husband with grown children and have been married for eight years. It has taking me years, but I have come to the conclusion that I do not come first in his life. He is willing to drop me at a moment's notice if he gets a chance to be with his grown "girls", even on Valentine's Day, as he did one year. He will break plans and then get upset with me if I act like it hurts me. We have went to counseling and it has helped somewhat, but it is what it is. So, what do you do in this case? Either tolerate it or leave - I feel like these are my only choices. Don't see any changes coming - I've cried, screamed, talked til I'm blue in the face.
Sounds very familiar and very
Sounds very familiar and very depressing.
We do seem like we have alot
We do seem like we have alot in common. I have the same issue with my husband and his adult daughters not making plans until the last minute and I never know what is going on during the holidays. His "girls" planned a Christmas get together at our home during a time they knew I had other plans (plans that I had with high schools girlfriends for weeks). They will wait until the last minute to plan holidays and get togethers and call their Dad and other extended family and never contact me. I'm like you - it's like pulling teeth to get info from him about what their doing. I don't care that he wants to spend time with them, but how about a little respect and consideration for your wife. I feel like I have tolerated this much longer than most women I know would have, but I'm like you. It really doesn't seem worth it to feel unappreciated and disrespected in your own home. Just a little history - he was divorced for 18 years before we married and his "girls" had him all to themselves since the time they were 5 and 7 - so you can imagine how well they have accepted me.
If you aren't married yet,
If you aren't married yet, and you're in a situation like the rest of us - my advice to you would be Run for the Hills - only wish someone had told me that!
Well, I'm sorry if I came
Well, I'm sorry if I came across a little harsh. I've just came off a hard Father's Day weekend, where I was reminded once again of where I stand with my husband and his adult daughters and I am just venting in general. Sounds like your man is trying to support you, I hardly ever feel this way - so, hopefully, your situation will be much different than what I have encountered. I always feel like an outsider in my own home and never like we are a team. But, best of luck to you two - sounds like you are on the right track.
I don't think we're on the
I don't think we're on the right track at all. We are about to separate since my husband says he has given up and doesn't want this constant nagging from me. Unfortunately I just haven't been able to remain quiet each time he packs his bag. I'd like to try to save the marriage but he says one thing and does another. Maybe some time alone will get him to see what he will be missing.
I think they think since
I think they think since we're there all the time and the SK's aren't we should expect to be dropped for them to get the chance to see SK's. my BF lives that double life - one with me and one with his BD19. he's made a point to keep us apart (and her from reality) for 7 years now. holidays are the only times she and I tolerate being around each. even then BF has suggested holidays apart. sorry, that's a deal breaker. you want to live a single dad life on holidays, you can do it every other day, too.
What about Valentine's Day -
What about Valentine's Day - and the "girls" are in their 30s - do you still think it is ok to be dropped for them?
I don't think it's
I don't think it's appropriate at all. I see similar things with my husband and SD and he thinks it's prefectly acceptable.