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WOSM's picture

My test post went through, and then I edited it and it disappeared. *taps microphone*

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WOSM's picture

Okay, so this was my first post, that got swallowed by the ether. Maybe if I put it in the comments it'll work...

+++

Hi all!

I'm relatively new, but I've lurked a little and hope I have the hang of this place.

Last April my girlfriend moved in with me, along with her son, who is now 3 1/2. I've known her for 10 years (we were friends before we started dating) and have been part of his life since he was a year old, though not in a parenting role at all. She had her son on her own, through artificial insemination, so there's no birth father in the wings or anything.

Lately we've been having increasing problems with behavioural issues with SS. He's a charming, adorable kid, but he's incredibly high-energy and he just. won't. listen. Not to me, not to his mother, not to his preschool teachers. No one. This ranges from small things (not picking up his toys, not coming when told, poor table manners) all the way to unacceptably dangerous behaviour (darting into the street, running away at preschool and hiding while his mother goes frantic with worry, and teasing our household pets who are luckily extremely patient with him).

I'm concerned that part of the problem is that my girlfriend is sending very inconsistent signals about me to SS. She describes me to others as his "co-parent," and in theory I have the same authority she does. In practice, she dismisses most of what I have to say about discipline, and has on more than one occasion snapped at me because I'm too demanding. It's true that I have a much lower level of tolerance for his behaviour than she does. For instance, he can't sit still on the sofa. I ~hate~ having my personal space invaded on a good day, and he's a big kid. If he were to sit nicely while we read and maybe cuddle up, that's fine, but I refuse to be climbed on, poked and kicked by a 40-lb boy because he's fidgeting. None of it is malicious, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when I get his foot in my ribcage. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is happy to sit with him while he squirms and fidgets and sticks his feet in her stomach and other things.

That's one (minor) example. I have a really long list of issues, but I'm pretty sure listing them all right away isn't a good idea. Eye-wink

Whenever I make a suggestion about discipline, I get brushed off. "Oh, that won't work because of $reason." "No, there's no point trying that." "Only you have a problem with that, I don't." My girlfriend was an early childhood care provider before she became pregnant, as was her mother. So she has two generations of 'professional' work to back her up, whereas I have never had kids and was an only child myself. I'm not a mother, so what could I possibly know? As far as she's concerned, anything I have to say has no legitimacy whatsoever, and I think SS has picked up on this, and he listens to me even less than he does her. And that's not even taking into account the tantrums, the disobedience, and the new habit of whining for what he wants and screaming when he doesn't get it.

Because of the constant dismissal of anything I have to say, I've taken a couple of steps back from the parenting aspect of things--only to be met with seething resentment because I'm no longer "helping." I'm the primary wage-earner in the household (my girlfriend doesn't work), and have recently been transferred to a different city. So I have to commute back and forth every 4-5 days on top of working shifts, only to be met with what feels like resentment because she has to do ~all the work~ while I'm gone (at least in her mind). It's not ideal. I'm exhausted due to the commute, everybody is stressed out because I'm only there half the time, and SS and the pets have been acting out more (the pets because they are protesting my absence, and SS most likely because it disrupts his routine).

In short, I'm feeling a little at sea, here. No one else seems to have a story quite like mine, and so I have no idea where to go for advice or information. I don't know how to broach this with my girlfriend, because every time I do she acts as if I have no right to ever be upset or frustrated--only she does. So for now I'm just groping around in the dark, trying to figure out what I can do to make things a little easier. I love my girlfriend and my SS a lot, and apart from his behavioural problems SS is a great kid and I love having us all together. My girlfriend and I want to have more kids in the future, so I want to make sure that there doesn't end up being two standards--one for SS and one for the other kids. I just need better tools (or any tools, at this point) to help turn our newly blended family functional. I desperately want this to work.

Did that make any sense at all? I'm hoping there's at least one other person in a similar boat, here.

Thanks for reading!

~WOSM

just.his.wife's picture

Your house, your rules: Behold the door.

Your girlfriend has two options, get her kid under control or lose her meal ticket.

You my friend have a BM living in your house. Oh so sweet and loving and willing to tolerate ANY behavior out of the kid. And heck, she doesn't even have to share the kiddo with a dad, since she did it on her own.

Hell she doesn't even have to work, your paying all the bills, supporting her and her brat (time for you to reeval: no piece of ass is worth dealing with a shitty kid)

As far as her getting pissy because your working away from home and she is having to 'carry the load'.. she chose to carry the kid, and have him, on her own. It is NOT your job to stand in for the missing link. It is HER job to raise that kid to be someone that a man/woman would want to have a relationship with and eventually marry.

I am strongly suggesting that you slam a foot into the ground and explain vividly HOW your house works and she and he need to either get with the program or get out.

**edited: figured out you are not a dude Smile Sorry for assuming!!***

WOSM's picture

Hm.

In my attempt to keep my post brief, I clearly didn't touch upon some important things. My gf is currently in school, studying a profession. She is also actively seeking work. She will be in school for another two years before she completes the program. She gets a small stipend from the government currently, which goes toward preschool and some of the household expenses.

It's also not that she's not able to discipline SS--she can and does. It's that the discipline we are both attempting to use is currently not effective. It's not for lack of trying, either. We have tried time-outs, the whole counting-to-three thing (which usually works well with kids), taking away toys, taking away privileges (like turning off the TV), and in desperation at the preschool's suggestion we tried gently "redirecting" him to more positive activities. Right now we're both at a loss, but I think that part of MY problem with discipline is that her own ambiguous feelings about my role as co-parent/disciplinarian are being felt by everyone and are compounding an already difficult situation.

And no, tog, she doesn't have tantrums. I realize now that my post was probably misleading (again, in my attempt at brevity I ended up leaving out too many things). She has many moments of being stressed and frazzled, because there have been a lot of changes in her life as well over the past six months. What I was attempting to convey is that she seems to have forgotten that I, too, have a right to express my feelings in the household, and that just because I am frustrated and anxious and sometimes upset doesn't automatically mean I think she's the "bad guy."

Mostly there have been a lot of upheavals for all of us (new job, new school, new house, new phase of the relationship), and I'm trying to work out a way to broach this topic with her without her feeling like she's being backed into a corner. All that will do is make her defensive and shut down any meaningful communication we might have. There just never seems to be a good time these days when we're not all stressed out and exhausted from our respective very full days of work/school/parenting/not enough sleep.

Does that make more sense?

~WOSM