I often try to schedule really hard-to-miss obligations on skid weekends. Oftentimes, my DH then tries to switch weekends - but can't switch his work schedule so we "miss out" on skid weekends. Oh well.

To go back to your original question, Wishitwasdifferent, the way I used to cope was voluntary work. I would get out as much as poss on SKID weekends. Or go to visit friends. However, now my SDs are 18 and 16 and my DH is still up their butts, I have started to back off LESS, to leave the field free for them.

I feel that at this age they should be amusing themselves with friends, and not planning their entire social life around their father. And I have tolerated this for 10 years - I feel that is enough, already. The trouble is he is a Disney Dad who gives them outings to London, to the theatre, to concerts etc - who wouldn't be sticking to him like glue?

I have a lot of really extreme issues that I am not going to go into detail about, just really really bad stuff that has happened due to BM and skid. Because of that, and because of the toxic tension that was reigning over my marriage, I finally had to cut myself out completely. I am no longer available to be anything to skid. If DH is working, skid goes to MIL's. When Dh is not working and skid is here, I stay in my room as much as possible, go outside and do yard work, read (in my room, or out on my deck if it is nice), I just disengage and make myself as invisible as possible. Has it helped my marriage? Yes and No. It has shielded me from the nonstop abuses hurled at me by SS, and from DH's totally naiveté to it, which is good, but at the same time, it has caused other resentments as well. DH used to complain to me all the time about how I couldn't stand his son, don't tell his son what to do, etc., but now, now that I have removed myself from their craziness, I the bad guy still because no I am being a snobby bitch and causing him to miss out on time with skid. Before I put my foot down, skid would be here with me until DH got off of work at night, then already here of a morning the next day. Now, DH has to get up and go get him from MIL's and bring him back here every morn until DH goes back to work in the afternoon. DH works 2nd shift. In DH's mind, if skid was here all eve with me then he wouldn't have to go get him of a morning. What he doesn't get is, if he forced that on me, it wouldn't be an issue at all because I wouldn't be here to keep skid at all because I would leave. What DH doesn't get is in my mind and heart skid does not come first. He is not my child, and I would not care one bit if I never laid eyes on him again. What is MY first priority is my marriage, and I am doing what I have to do to keep it and myself together.

fedup13 - I just wanted to say that my situation was identical to yours when the SDs were younger. I would not allow my DH to leave them alone with me for 5 minutes - because the NPD BM had made false allegations of abuse up, against him, and I felt there was a danger she might do the same to me. So if he wasn't here, we didn't get the SKIDs.

Also I would disappear to my bedroom, out into the garden, do voluntary work etc - anything to get me out of their vicinity. It has been somewhat better in the last few years because they have their own rooms, one of which has a TV and computer, so they tend to spend a lot of their time here, in there. Also, I have "taken possession" of my shared rooms in the house again - I don't hide myself away any more.

I also wanted to address a point Katinka brought up - that DH must make himself completely available to the SKIDs on their weekends. Yes, up to a point, and to the extent that he may NOT go out enjoying himself and leave SM to babysit. However, I feel my DH has always taken this to extremes, and hardly allows the SDs a moment to themselves. In my view this is wrong, in most intact households with the bio mum and dad - kids have to spend a lot of time amusing themselves - and I think one of the reasons that SKIDs are so entitled is that they aren't required to do this.