Not sure I'm ready to blend *Intro*
I have been lurking on this forum for a while but I decided to join in. I am dating a guy that I love very much. His lifestyle just doesn't seem to fit with mine. I am perfectly happy seeing him apart from his life with his kids, though he is pushing for more. I guess I understand where he's coming from. Just not sure I have what it takes to blend into his life in that way.
The kids live with him, girl age 13 and boy age 12. Neither are difficult children but they fall into the trap of getting their hopes up for things that BM promises them and then my SO is left to deal with the fallout when she inevitably disappoints them. She truly does not care about the day to day lives of her kids. SO is a great father and I have no complaints about our relationship. My only problem is that I think he's getting restless as far as our life together goes. He wants me to be more involved with his family but I'm just not sure.
Anyways, I have joined this site to get some type of perspective on whether we have a chance to "make it" as a blended family.
- WindX's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Thanks for the welcome. If I
Thanks for the welcome. If I had it my way, we would continue living separate but committed to each other.
I think the kids don't need a stepmom and I'm not interested in becoming a substitute for their mother. SO has wonderful women (his mom and sisters)in his world that provide that womanly nurturing to his kids. I have a very casual relationship with his kids that I appreciate. I also like that I can get away from it all just be going home LOL
I don't think I was clear.
I don't think I was clear. I'm very much bonded with his children. They are easy to love. I just don't want to raise them. I think my SO is doing a good enough job of that on his own.
I think I'm hesitant to marry or move-in because of his kids and then again I think I'd be hesitant if he didn't have kids. I'm naturally independent. I don't want to lose myself in their life and I think that's hard for my SO to realize that I feel that way.
Those are great questions to
Those are great questions to ask. I think part of my issue is also stubborness. I'm content with life as we know it...
Thanks for the feedback!
Hey - you came to the right
Hey - you came to the right place
. I am a custodial stepmom, with bm having limited interaction (her choice) with kiddo. I've been a custodial stepmom for a little over a year now and have been in kiddos life since he was about 1 1/2. My advice is this - being a stepmother is an exhausting, challenging, at times demeaning, demanding, emotional rollercoaster. I was actually just talking to someone about this - if your heart is not 100% in it and you are not at least a little selfless by nature... its just going to be a heartbreaking experience for you. I'm not telling you to run, by any means - I'm recently married, H and I are very young, and having a hell of a time with adjusting to married life, BUT the one thing that has kept me focused and going when im royally pissed at my new husband is my stepson. Being a stepparent has the potential to make you a very bitter person - its like a challenge from god to see just how strong and selfless we can be at times, and that part is a PAIN. It also has the potential to make you a very mature, well rounded person and of course there are the good parts - for me the big ones were realizing that i played a huge part in giving kiddo the stability, attention, and love he needed to get past traumas he had been put through; watching H mature as a father and realizing that I actually do know what im doing; watching kiddo grow from a little toddler to a self proclaimed big kid; and little stuff, like when kiddo comes running in and gives us a big group hug after school :)....I love kiddo more than life itself, and I love my husband even if he is being a big fat jerk right now, i love having a family, and i love being able to give kiddo opportunities he wouldnt have otherwise. I got thrown into it all - bm kidnapped kiddo, then abandoned him and i had a week to prepare my self and the house for the arrival of a toddler after months of emotional agony and worry over where he was and if he was ok. I dont think i would have done anything differently in hindsight but it was a HUGE shock to the system at first, not just for me but for H as well. Its not for everyone but you dont really know until you do it. Its something you need to think long and hard about and not jump into. Anyways.. thats my spiel. I could go on forever but this post is already really long and i dont want to hog your post... you can pm me if you want. Hope you figure everything out.
He deals with the normal
He deals with the normal things parents deal with when their kids become teens. His daughter is 13 and I have to keep myself from laughing at some of the stories. His son has an almost sitcom-like (think Zach Morris from Saved By the Bell!)method of dealing with school and getting out of work. I know that's because I don't feel responsible for them, I can get a chuckle out of their crazy stunts. I feel the same about my nieces and nephews or younger cousins.
and WOW at BM kidnapping then abandoning your stepson!!
Thats really cute, he
Thats really cute, he obviously is very devoted to his kids. Thats a really good thing, and says a lot about the character of your guy
. My own dad has 5 daughters and sometimes when we were all teenagers i think he felt like he was drowning in a volatile sea of estrogen LOL!
Ya - my story isnt the norm on here, though there are others who have had a very rough go of it themselves. Your SO's family sounds pretty fuctional and about as "normal" as having two teenagers can be... i wouldnt worry about that part. kiddo's birthmom has a lot of issues and i feel sorry for her, when im not angry about it. But i mean, in spite of not being much more than teenagers (at least mentally LOL
), i think we've managed to give kiddo a nice home life and he is happy and stable, which makes me happy.
My opinion is that
My opinion is that step-parents can sometimes take normal child behavior as a personal attack against them or bad parenting on the birth parents part. I agree that there is very little difference.
4 years, but we were high
4 years, but we were high school friends prior to that. When we first started dating, he was working 2 jobs, raising 2 small kids and I was in school full time. We didn't have much downtime so we worked with what we had. I think I grew to appreciate that time. Now his kids don't need so much of his time and his work schedule is now on a set routine.
I see it differently. If you
I see it differently. If you aren't ready to blend, then don't. Your life WILL change and in a big way. If you are content with how things are then discuss that with your bf. Tell him you like it the way it is now and that when you are ready to commit more then you'll let him know. Being a single parent is hard and he may be wanting you to move in so you can help him with his kids. Are you ready for that? To play maid, chauffeur, etc. Or if you don't want to help in that capacity then does HE know that? Right now you have your privacy. Are you willing to give it up because if you blend then you will have NO privacy. To me it just sounds like you are fine the way things are & I'd hate for you to get into a situation you aren't really ready for.
Thanks naturalmom. I know
Thanks naturalmom. I know many variations of blended families and I know how it can go either way. I think my guy is a great father. It's one of the many things I love about him. He was barely a teen himself when the kids were born and he just rolled with the cards he was dealt.
Do you think that men and women naturally fall into those certain household roles?
SO's kids are a bit entitled but I think he likes that. To me, I think it makes him feel they know they can depend on him. I have a different take on it and it's easy to separate myself from the actions when I don't had to see it up close and personal all the time. He bought his daughter a very expensive designer jacket that I almost passed out from hearing the price of it. She wore it to her mom's house on a rare random visit and mom pretty much hijacked it. He was very upset/hurt that mom took the jacket, but he replaced it because he didn't feel he should punish the kid for it. Not even 2 weeks later, he spotted her out around town wearing the designer shoes he bought for his daughter that he didn't even realize was missing. This particular time, he took a stand and got the shoes back.
I would have had a COMPLETELY different approach on that situation even though now (6 months later) I realize the way he handled it was right for him. That's the thing that I'm worried about changing if I decide to live with them.
I can tell you the designer
I can tell you the designer clothing is not guilty dad. He likes for his kids to have nice things, but he truly is a parent to them. He teaches them values and life lessons. I think he's less willing to teach them lessons when he comes to not falling for the antics of their mother. He owns a house and is financially capable, so the designer clothes thing doesn't ring too many alarms with me. He demands respect from his children even when spoiling them. I've read blogs on here where guilt parenting was brought up and it doesn't seem to be in play in SO's case. Maybe that's a result of being a young parent of a teens. He "gets" their wants and doesn't see a problem with it. I'm a Suze Orman follower, so I naturally think "the price of BOTH of those jackets could have gone into an investment" and he thinks his kids social standing is important to him.
Just last month he took them to Disney World for their summer vacation. He told me that he thought they were too old for that, but they changed his mind because they were so appreciative of the experience. I can see why he
But you know what, I LOVE that he is in their corner. That's what makes me wonder about how to proceed in this relationship. I admire him immensely, but that doesn't necessarily equal compatibility as far as blending goes.
I really do think my issues are my own. I grew up in a large blended family, but part of that was that I was overcrowded. My independence is so important to me because I never had the opportunity to be my own person growing up. At times, I know my guy wouldnt have a problem with me leaving the parenting to him. Other times I just don't want to upset the balance and tempt fate.
I do appreciate all the feedback. I am getting a good mental workout from the responses.
Just figure out your roles
Just figure out your roles and how things would work before moving in. Would you combine finances or have seperate accounts? That alone could cause major problems. Have you talked to him about what he expects your role to be? Are you going to be allowed to discipline or not? Also, will you be moving into THEIR house? If so, there is not one thing they will be willing to change- you will be expected to do all the changing. If you are used to being alone, are you willing to give it up because once you move in you will have no quiet/free time to yourself. I think also you need to realize is the things that are 'cute and funny' about his kids now or that seem trivial to you now will be the things that annoy you later. Things change when you are on the inside instead of being on the outside looking in.