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Expecting too much???

the wicked witch's picture

:? :? So, heres my cross today...I have been married to my DH for 10 years. When I met him, his children were 15, 12, 8, and 3. They are now 24, 21, 18 and 13. I have raised them the entire time. In addition we have had 3 boys together who are now 8, 7, and 5. In november, my SD21 will be having the first grandbaby. As we talked about getting ready for the labor, etc, she said that she would like ME there, but DOES NOT want her bio mom to be there, but does not want to hurt her mom's feelings. So..her decision was to not have either of us there for her so that her mom's feelings would not be hurt. I am really hurt tremendousely by this, but I don't want to create any stress for her, as she seems to get stressed very easily. I have been there for her since she was twelve..everything. Her mom was just an every other weekend visitation, and is emotionally unstable and not reliable. Am I wrong in feeling hurt by this. I just get the feeling like this is quite often how it is a a step.....you do all you can...you give nad you give...only to be stepped on at every turn!! I thought maybe it would be a neat idea to just go with her to a Dr. appt and hear the baby's heartbeat....got the same answer....it would hurt her moms feelings if she knew I did. Her "MOM" is UNEMPLOYED(but could work)...has no car (since she did not check the oil....and now is back living with her parents...quite a piece of work!!..ADVICE!!!

Comments

hereiam's picture

My SD's BM is a total psycho who has always treated SD like crap but somehow that just falls out of SD's memory bank on a daily basis.

Their natural instinct is to protect that incubator. My husband has always treated SD better than her mother has, but it is him that she turned on as a teenager. She regrets it now but she still will not stand up to her mother.

the wicked witch's picture

very sad, though, after having been here main mother figure for almost 10 years

Purplemom's picture

They do this because they trust you- they know dh and you will forgive them... They are not so confident in their mothers.

Cheyenne Arizona's picture

I agree. She would never confide in her BM like she has with you. She made a point for you to know her reasoning. When labor starts she may very well change her mind and want you there.

hereiam's picture

When is she due? Do you think she might change her mind as it gets closer?

Tell her you don't want to hurt her mother's feelings either but you really want to be there for her. What does your husband think?

I was really hurt that my sister had a friend in the delivery room instead of me (I was there, just not in the delivery room). We have had our problems but I am more like a mother to her than a sister (which might be part of the problem). I have helped her take care of my niece since the day she was born. She doesn't even talk to that friend anymore.

I am glad to be a big part of my niece's life so I just had to let that go.

prettyinpink's picture

my SD lives with her mom n is with us every other weekend so I might not b as hurt as you, but I think u have a right to b upset since u practicaly raised her.. I think ur hubby should talk to her n let her know u have been a "mom" to her more then her bii n she should'nt feel bad for her mom, or if you can just b civil n that way you both could b in there with her good luck!

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

It is a total slap in the face. But she's clearly feeling incredibly conflicted....to the point of opting to have NO support system than risk whatever sliver of a relationship she has with her bio-mother. You have every right to feel slighted, left out, rejected, and hurt. You have done and sacrificed so much more than your SD will ever know in order to raise her properly and provide for her. You gave her everything that her mother should have been giving in the first place, just out of the sheer kindness of your heart, not out of obligation.

This will be something she regrets down the line. But she's probably making this decision to avoid a much worse outcome than your disappointment....being rejected by her mother at a time when she wants her mother to come through for her more than ever. You've shown her over the course of her life that you will remain a constant, while her mother has shown your SD that HER love is conditional. How sad she must feel over that injustice. To know that doing what makes her happy will either make her mother unhappy or retreat entirely.

Honestly, I think this situation actually proves how important you actually are to your SD. That she's able to be candid with you about her fear of abandonment by her mother, that she trusts you not to leave her when you get the short end, due to your SD's inability to stand up to her BM. Hopefully she is able to grow that all important backbone someday. But more than likely she'll end up losing her BM's favor over some other indiscretion in the future, because obviously her BM expects total compliance from her daughter, or she'll punish her through withholding her love. What a horrid thing to do to your child....out of jealousy over the relationship and closeness she has with you.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's totally unfair, and is casting a darkness over what should be a happy time of togetherness. You will be an amazing grandparent to this baby....you've obviously been an amazing parent to your SD. I hope her eyes open up and see the reality of things sooner rather than later.