Hey y'all. My first blog but I've been reading for a long time. Where to start...

EDIT: BOTH KIDS ARE ALREADY IN COUNSELING.

Been married to my wife for 3 years - together almost 5. I'm a stepdad to 12yo twins - 1 girl, 1 boy. The biodad is rarely in the picture - alcoholic party boy who never grew up, can't hold a job. He gets the kids sporadically - which screws them up. Can't tell you how many times he was supposed to get them and never showed, never even called. Sometimes he goes 6-7 months without so much as a damn phone call. I know visitation is a privilege and he doesnt HAVE to get 'em, but frankly, I wish he shit or get off the pot. Be a dad to these kids or go away.

Any time he DOES get them, it's all that Disney Dad crap. Takes 'em to a movie, mini golf, arcades... Loads 'em up with junk food and soda and candy. Every time they come back home it takes days - sometimes a couple weeks - for things to get back to normal. I know it's messing up the kids' heads. They think he deosn't love them, then he shows up and it's a carnival time, then he disappears again. Like to kick his butt from here to Antartica.

She's always been good with me co-parenting EXCEPT after that deadbeat ass pops in. Then she's yo-yoing or lax. THings go great, she disciplines, then DADDDDYYYY shows up, the kids are screwed up, and she becomes a Disney Mom. Gaaaaaaahhhh!

I KNOW I have a wife problem when this happens and she's gotten better about discussing stuff and confronting the bad behavior as a team instead of making me the heavy. Thos times when she drops the ball are annoying.

Here's my big problem. The older the kids are getting, the more - out of control is the wrog word. They're making bad choices. SS came home late last night and he stank of pot. C'mon kid, I'm not stupid. I don't smoke it, but I sure know what it smells like! I want to ground him for a month and limit his phone to family calls only. Wife thinks he should only be grounded a week with full access to phone.

Help me out here folks. Am I being to harsh? Is she being too easy? Is there a middle ground? Ideas, please and thanks!