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Awards SD

warenb82's picture

My SD awards are Thursday should me and my daughter be able to attend?

SO knows I know about awards but hasn’t mentioned us going. BM asked if SO was going and he said “he planned on it.”

Relationship Staus-Together 5 years, 2 year old daughter and built a house 1 year ago.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Is someone telling you that you can't go?

I went to SS's events within the first year DH and I were dating. SS wanted me to go and BM wasn't the type to forbid me to go (she's crazy, but she doesn't want anyone to know, so she played "Coparent of the Year").

Go if you want to go, don't go if you don't.

warenb82's picture

All this time I’ve been with my SO I’ve not attended any functions for the SD with her dad. The BM and me have no relationship what so ever. My SO try’s to keep the peace with BM. I’m just preparing myself for Thursday is all. I know he will more than likely try to attend without me or not go (he works Wednesday night!)

justmakingthebest's picture

I would plan on going. If SO tells you no, I would have serious reservations about the relationship. You have been together 5 years and share a child. That is a life built together. You are invested in SD's life, you spend time with her. There should be no reason for you to not be there to support her and for her 1/2 sister to see her celebrated and be a part of that too.

warenb82's picture

I plan on attending. He knows I know because I’ve mentioned it. & you are correct! But it has NEVER been this way for ( years now. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ummmmm.... Of course you two can go!!! You're part of your DH's family. you're involved in your SD's life. Even if you aren't "the parent" that doesn't mean you haven't had any role here! So i say if you want to, then go and support her and to he!! with BM. 

warenb82's picture

That’s the thing I feel like I’m not allowed to any of his daughters things to save a fight with BM

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

If BM is going to make a scene. She'll find a reason regardless of your attendance. You've been together 5 years and your baby is SD's half sister. I understand not wanting to cause a fight with BM. But if you're still catering now, you'll be catering forever, and that's going to be miserable in the long run. So I say you attend if you want to!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Exactly! So don't put up with it!!! If you keep catering to her, you'll do it forever. You deserve to put a stop to it for you. it's not about what the crazy BM wants. It's your life. So it's about what YOU want to do.

warenb82's picture

He states “it’s regarding his daughter” yada yada yada! He has court papers so at the end of the day he has visitation so why don’t he put her in her place so we can live a life that is some what normal?! I’ve been fighting this for so many years now. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Yes. it is regarding his daughter. Who you've been in the life of for five years. PLUS your daughter is her half sibling. He has visitation on paper, BM can't stop that. He needs to stop catering to her now or it's going to be an eternal struggle.

warenb82's picture

He struggles as I do. I know he feels torn. I’ve told him you have a life with me and she is interfering. He don’t see the manipulation because in his mind it’s his daughter. When I say anything regarding the situation or something that has happened it turns into a fight. He says it’s always a fight when it come to his daughter. It breaks my heart he thinks that way as I love the SD. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Let him see what it's like to carry the mortgage on the house by himself and pay you child support.

If you roll over and let him walk on you to save a fight with BM, he will do just that. But if you make the cost of making BM happy VERY HIGH on him, he might see things a different way. Or he might not.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Let the Bitch get mad and yell and be vindictive. YOU be more wily and dangerous ​​​​​​ than her.

 

Disneyfan's picture

The OP is not married and her SO is the one shutting her out of these events.

This is a boyfriend problem, not a BM.

warenb82's picture

I agree! The SO is the middle ground for all this. I’m not blaming BM but she does things that shouldn’t be done like referring to me as a bitch via text. And that in turns plays trickle affect! And my SO is a coward when it comes to her because she then in turn uses the daughter. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

has decided that not having you attend these events creates a comfort zone for him.

To be honest, you gain nothing from going and it seems that he will be happier if you do not go.  Why try to fix a situation that is not broken?

As your daughter  grows older, she may want to attend her sister's  events   Your SO may need then to revisit his boundaries.

warenb82's picture

Comfort and no conflict is what he’s after. However I get where you say I have nothing to gain by going as I’m just the SM. But me and her dad have a life together and I want to be apart of it if that means going to SD special events.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

What the he!! does "just the SM" even mean? You're the wife of your DH!!! The mother of SD's half sister. And from what you've said, you care about SD and have a good relationship. "Just a SM" makes it sound like you see yourself as less. But you're not. This is your life too. You belong in it. And since you want to be involved, and it doesn't sound like SD is opposed either. You should be involved!

warenb82's picture

Thank you! My life is just a struggle when it comes to SD and BM. I don’t want drama I just want as much normal as possible. & what’s been happening for 5 years is outside of normal. 

justmakingthebest's picture

What do you mean you have nothing to gain???

If you and your SD have a good relationship, I don't understand. Do you not gain happiness watching her get an award? Do you not smile big and have pride in that child? Does your own DD not get to see her sister and clap? Does SD not see you and smile and have her heart happy that all the parents that love her are there??

I love that my son's and daughter's SM loves them as much as she does. I love that my children love their SM. 

I know that not all BM's are comfortable, I wasn't always... it used to tug at my heart that they loved another "mother" in their life. However, like an adult I realized that just like I can love 2 children with more emotion that is even expressible- they can love a mom and stepmom and nothing is taken from our relationship. 

 

warenb82's picture

I had to deal with it myself and it was hard at first. It is hard to watch someone else be a mother when you aren’t around. But it put me at rest his dad found someone who cared for my son. I’ve been in both roles here. I do love his daughter and want to be there. I also want my daughter to be involved with her sister outside of our house. 

futurobrillante99's picture

You've chose THIS event as your battleground but the issue is much larger. You have a relationship problem. You have a partner who, in some areas, is acting like he's committed to you and your child, but he's also maintaining an uhealthy relationship with the mother of his other child - one that hurts you.

His actions are NOT consistent.

Don't use the SD's event as your battleground. Address the issue directly, not passive aggressively. You will NOT come out looking like a good or sane person if you show up at SD's awards ceremony. You will look like a pushy SM who is there to rattle the BM and your SO is going to rake you over the coals for it. Better to call him out on what he's doing and say it's no longer acceptable. Then leave him if he persists.

Cbarton12's picture

I say you should go! You've been together long enough and share a daughter. As long as your relationship with SD is decent, go!

ITB2012's picture

Yes you should be able to go but if your DH isn’t talking to you about it and actually planning on how you’ll all go, then either he is chooosing to keep the peace with BM as top priority or he may not want you along (perhaps your DD is too young to make it through?). Or he could be like my DH and just have no clue about what is going on and only a vague idea with no plan. 

My DH is doing the latter right now. OSS graduates in two weeks. I know nothing about it other than the date. After five asks I told DH that if he wants me there he’d better find out the details and let me know soon as I have other things that I’m also being asked to do and want to do that day, and I’m no longer asking him about it. 

And guess what, I saw what I think are the edge of graduation announcements for OSS in a pile and DH has had them for a couple days but said nothing. I would like to support OSS but if none of them can tell me a thing (DH, OSS, and even BM since I ran into her and asked), I’m gonna be sitting this one out. 

Its not you, it’s them. It’s their lack of planning or inability to address the situation and it’s not your job to work it out or resolve it for them. 

warenb82's picture

I totally get that but seriously this is one of the events/times where he will leave me out due to not causing a scene (in his mind how it’s going to be!) I guess because he still allows her to call me a b}#%^ and such. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

If Biowh0re ever blew up my DH’s phone referring to me as a bitch and other insults LOL. I’d be grabbing the phone and putting that c!nt on BLAST.

Hell no I will never tolerate disrespect from that f!cking piece of sh!t. Hell to the no!

Neither should you!!!

warenb82's picture

Into numerous arguments then for him to act as if we are fine and then the cycle starts over again. *sorry2*

warenb82's picture

He failed to mention that part. Just kept it clean when he told me what the message said. I happen to see it.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You’re relationship with your partner in this case doesn’t matter. What’s your relationship like with the child? For example if you’re disengaged or NOCHOing then of course you wouldn’t go. If you are an active part of the child’s life then yes you should.

warenb82's picture

I’m active as they will allow. I only get to be active during his weekend unfortunately. Given that I think we have a good relationship for the circumstances that is.

warenb82's picture

9

Winterglow's picture

Then I'd go. Even if, as someone else suggested, you let him go off on his own and then you take your car and go with your little girl. IfBM throws a hissy fit SHE's the one who'll look ridiculous, not you. 

Harry's picture

If there is going to be Drama, you are going to have to face it one day,  Thursday is a good day !   Your SO is playing a game trying to keep both of you happy.  It’s not working.   There should be rules on communication with BM.  It should mostly be done by text or e mail  not long telephone talks.  Both text an or e mails are saved for future reference.  

You don’t want your DH having long talked with his past lover 

warenb82's picture

I’ve been fighting everything you have said for years now. It’s getting me no where. I just want some what normal when it comes to his daughter and the way he handles things.

Monkeysee's picture

My DH did this to me once, and once was all it took. We hadn’t been together long (around a year) and he put BM first in a social setting to ‘save her causing a scene’. 

I let him do it. Once. Then I told him that if he ever put her first like that again, I was out of there. That her emotions/lack of maturity/childishness were up to her, not him, and certainly not me, and if she was going to throw a fit, let her throw the freaking fit & deal with the fallout herself. He can have peace with one of us, and if he’s not choosing peace with me then he’ll find himself alone before he knows what’s happened to him.

Dont let him do this to you, girl. So what if BM throws a fit. That’s for her to deal with, not you or DH. I agree with the posters who’ve said he needs to feel a loss with you in some way before he’ll have a spine enough to say no to BM. He’s sitting pretty right now because he’s got the best of both worlds, the problem being it’s not working for you anymore. 

So let him know. BM’s problems are BM’s problems. No more texting as if they’re together, boundaries are SO f*cking important. If he’s not putting you first he’s not being a good partner to you. Regardless what anyone out there says, having a kid is not license to be a d*ck spouse. He’s absolutely being a d*ck, you can tell him I said that too Wink

warenb82's picture

Unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time. I recall our daughter being born and little. He had to take her to a ball tournament. He literally got up and left us behind to take her so there wouldn’t be a scene. But if it happens this time then it may be the last. His character is it will be easier to not go then battle me and that shouldn’t be how it is. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Why now? What makes this award ceremony so much more important to you that you want to attend that wasn't there all along (the last five years) ? 

If you attend it needs to be for the 'right' reasons. Because you indeed have a relationship with the little girl, care about each other and you're truly excited for her and she wants you and sister to help her share her moment. Not because you want to finally take a stand with a f-u to BM ( and one to you too, SO).

If BM is seriously going to throw a scene in front of everyone (which would frighten your toddler and embarrass your SD to pieces), I think I'd start with a bit less event (example attend one of her sport games where BM's shenanigans wouldn't be so standout-ish). 

Or is it BM will just after the event text/call SO and toss a hissy fit? As I told you the other day, he does not need to entertain BM's tirades. If he is, then BM isn't really the problem. It's him. 

What would happen if you just let him go off to the event without you (without you saying anything about it) and then after he leaves you put the toddler in your vehicle and you and DD drive yourself to the event? What are they gonna do to you? Kick you out? 

 

warenb82's picture

This event is no different just decided to make a post about it.  I’ve always wanted to attend for my SD. I’ve never been allowed to. I know she will cause a scene eventually. Oh I’ve tried attending a sports game. Example-Tournament fell on his weekend. He gets up to take her I start getting ready and he pretty much rushed out the door. He claimed she would cause a scene and he didn’t want that in front of his daughter.  So in all reality it’s his excuse to not have to deal with BM it’s easier for him to leave me at home. 

Notup4it's picture

Bottom line here is he is more scared of her than he is of you. The mom knows that and keeps this crap going. 

I don’t really think it matters all that much if you guys are married or not- you have been together for 5 years and have a child together, and you spend time with this child every other weekend (same as dad).

You have said that you have had countless fights over this issue- so it doesn’t look like it is going to get resolved the way you are going about it. Either you have to let this go, or you have to show him with your actions that you are serious.  Showing him with your actions could involve fully disengaging from his child when she is there, moving out, or signing you guys up for therapy. I think because it was allowed to go on for so long that you have an uphill battle convincing him that what he is doing isn’t acceptable. 

Disneyfan's picture

That doesn't the two of them aren't still sleeping together.  

Who ended their relationship?  Your SO acts like a man that is only with one woman because the one he really wants won't have him.

Nothing you've described here or in your other blogs is normal. 

Your SO's actions are suspect.  

warenb82's picture

From what I’ve gathered she cheated and it fell apart. They done the back and forth thing. 

I do feel last compared to everything else. So maybe it is true. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Uh oh!

Does your SO reminisce about their marriage ? Mention her? Not ambivalent about her? Secretly texting her? Hanging out with her?

warenb82's picture

Nothing at all like that. He works or has our daughter. I know if someone wants to cheat they will find a way. I don’t think this is the case at all here. But again anything is possible. 

He is reserved when it comes to speaking to her in front of me he typically saves that when he’s away. Or he will read some of a text and not include it all like calling me a “bitch”. I think all this steams from the hell shes given him and used their daughter and the fights it’s caused us. Still gives him no excuse to dismiss my feelings to kee peace with her because she hold SD over his head.

bananaseedo's picture

I've known plenty of men that do this 'keep peace w/the ex for the skid' game- however honestly his reactions/position seems quite extreme in this case.  Causes my spidey senses to go off. Can I ask, does the bf attend these events and such?  If so he has perfect justification for why YOU can and should be by his side at the girls events.  If it's good enough for bm/boyfriend it's good enough for you.  If BM doesn't like it tough?  Scene? In front of a school?  I doubt it.  He's entirely in the wrong for allowing you to be marginalized like this. 

oneoffour's picture

How old is SD? Is this an event that would be best for DD to attend at 2 yrs old or will she get bored and cry?

and you are making a lot of assumptions. You think he is doing this. You think she is doing that. It is time to stand up, take a deep breath and face your worst fears... that your SO cares more about his ex partners feelings. Which is very sad and awful but not a death sentence. It seems you are not confronting the issue which is lack of communication between you and SO.

Why not say "Honey, I know SD has her awards night soon. Do you want me there or not? And think carefully about your reason why." Maybe he is gun-shy of BM and has seen her at her worst. Maybe he wants to save your daughter  from a boring long night (at 2 yrs old I can understand this... BTDT). But unless you start asking him those hard questions you will never know the truth. And "It is for my daughter..." doesn't cut it. So no one else will cheer his daughter getting an award except her parents?

If he is so scared of BM not behaving like an adult and freaking out how does that reflect on his daughter except everyone will feel very sorry for his daughter for having such a loose cannon for a mother and everyone will understand why he is now with you. Communication is desperately needed in this relationship. I am not a big supporter of counselling but seriously, you both need it.

I get the feeling you need to learn to communicate and not assume. If SO will not communicate with you you need to find your happy place and either move on or accept the life you have.

warenb82's picture

SD is 9. My DD2 is very well mannered and I feel as if she would. 

And communication between me and SO regarding the situation in a whole is non existent. It’s basically me saying something to him and him blowing up. & from previous events I’ve had to “sit” out it’s always been because he don’t won’t fighting in front of his daughter. Which I get no one needs to fight in front of a child. 

I also agree with you regarding counseling-We do need it!

 

Livingoutloud's picture

You can’t be “not allowed” to attend events. Anyone can attend whatever events they want. Your SO doesn’t want you there, no matter why. BM wanting or not wanting you there is irrelevant. You are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want you at events, BM isn’t in relationship with you. He is the only issue here 

Livingoutloud's picture

I wonder why you aren’t married despite having kid together? Is SO avoiding it? Hoping to reconcile with BM?

Cogito Ergo Sum's picture

You seem very well aware of the problems you're facing & have some ideas of what needs to be done - but also seem very unwilling to try something new to stand up for yourself. It's never too late! You have received some great advice here, IMHO, are you going to take any of it? I hope, for your sake & your DD's, that you do. 

marblefawn's picture

I was told I couldn't go to SD's high school graduation because BM might make a scene. I should have seen the writing on the wall then, but I figured there would be other times I'd get to celebrate SD.

Now I celebrate every year that I don't see SD. I realize that BM might have caused a scene, but SD hated me too and didn't want me there, but no one told me that then. After years of BM alienating SD from her dad and me, SD despises me, so our entire married life has basically been what you're experiencing now: he sees SD and I stay home.

Way back in the beginning, though, I told my husband if he didn't find a way for all of us to be in a room together, his life would be split in two. I told him there would come a day when I would no longer try being part of SD's life and then he would spend the rest of his years seeing SD alone; having two pieces of his life that can't be merged without conflict. Family vacations would be out of the question and happy events would always been clouded with tension. Maybe back then he didn't believe it or couldn't see how painful a split life would be for himself. Or maybe he just couldn't bring himself to set SD straight about her bad behavior (our problem was more SD than BM because SD was much older when we married).

Regardless, my prediction came to pass. I haven't seen my SD in more than two years. My husband never even calls her in front of me. As a planned visit with her draws nearer, he becomes agitated and uncomfortable -- it's the elephant in the room. I can tell he feels guilty. I feel bad for my husband sometimes, but I had to protect myself from SD's attacks and if that meant never seeing her, that was OK by me.

Right now, your SD is still young. As she gets older, there will be more school events, proms, graduations, etc. Your guy will be doing all that with BM. How does he feel when you paint that picture for him? Help him imagine his daughter's wedding with BM and her guy there and him celebrating alone while you're at home. He's setting up his life to remain a single dad but otherwise be your spouse. He might think he can easily keep these parts of his life separate, but it gets harder as the kid gets older.

I doubt your guy will change easily or anytime soon -- he's got something in him that's keeping him from doing the expected, the natural. You should try to understand it so you can chip away at it -- ask him what he's really afraid will happen if you go to one event. What does he actually think BM might do? Hit you? Scream at you? Scream at him? Maybe HE is making a catastrophe out of something that wouldn't actually be that bad, so ask what he fears might happen. If he's worried about a verbal confrontation, tell him you can sit far across the room and have a quick exit plan should BM blow. Maybe if you can assure him it won't be so bad, he'll give it a try just once.

Because you have a child together, consider therapy. This is not an uncommon issue, so maybe you can find a therapist with step experience who can get right to the heart of how to handle your guy's fear.