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Hurt and Confused… part 2

Vanessa68's picture

Do any of you have advice how this will play out? I know everyone is different, but i cope better if a little prepared. Do men like him stay gone? Right now my gut instinct says yes…

Or will I have the haunted call…what kind of BS do they try to pull over…

Thank You again

Comments

Vanessa68's picture

Thank you for the response, this is a world I have never entered. I am happy that he loves his children, as he should.
But sadly his own happiness will suffer, and I am sure I am not the only terrific woman he has come across, to leave in the dust.

And you are correct about BM, she still dictates to him daily, even more so when the children are with him…texts, emails….constant.

I hated how he would dump on me about that stuff, he would be offended that I wasn't "there" for him.

I am thinking…your not married to her anymore…right??

Any way live and learn…:)

ChiefGrownup's picture

This plays out by you taking time away from Steptalk to open an account at OKCupid. You go out with somebody else by tomorrow or this weekend. You come back here and tell us about your new dates. We help you vet the red flags.

constantly_irritated's picture

OMG!! Totally agree with this! And read my response to your part 1. I know it hurts, but f**k him if he doesn't see your value. When I look around me these days, I see a bunch of single guys looking for "the one" and no single women. It might just be the people I know, but they are all nice guys and I'm sure there are a lot in your area who will treat you well. Don't get trapped with this bozo!!

EvilAngel's picture

Oh YES!!! Do this! And please let us know about all the great men and terrific or horrible dates you have! There are so many sites out there! Have fun!

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

You dodged a bullet with this one for sure! Like ChiefGrownup said... go join OKCupid and go meet someone else!

SugarSpice's picture

its nice when a man loves his children and cares for them with child support, but this needs be balanced with his new wife or girlfriend.

Vanessa68's picture

You guys are great... Smile Truly…

I dont feel my worth has suffered to much, but I will go slow in the dating field..

I will take a peak at OK Cupid…

Vanessa68's picture

NOW THATS WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR/READ..!!!!

That response is going on the fridge…:)

Vanessa68's picture

It has been 5 days today…(hold back the giggles)

Texting throughout the day was normal, and every night a call to say Good night..
We lived 1 hr apart….

Vanessa68's picture

I can tell you that has crossed my mind…

If he was hurt/sick…no family member knows my last name or number…we all lock our cell phones..

But the idea of driving out there, to be rejected, humiliated….meh…

I will stay online…

something will give…I will find out soon enough…at least i dont feel like a piece of garbage...

notarelative's picture

If he were hurt or sick you most likely would have heard from him. He'd want you there to wait on him or make his favorite foods and bring them over.

He's fine. He's telling you his kids are number one. He's waiting for you to beg to be #4 (behind the kids and their mother).

Wave him goodbye and take care of yourself. The hurt you feel now is but a pinprick of what is in store if you let him back in your life.

constantly_irritated's picture

Google the obituaries. If he's dead, you can't bring him back to life by stopping by.

dood's picture

You sound like a real, normal, stand up person - please do not contact this POS. It's really a blessing in disguise all 'this' happened sooner rather than later, and that you have your act together and to realize what's really going on.

Sure, it sucks for now, but certainly not in the long run... Read the blogs - this skid shit is no joke. You can do better for yourself than a life of step hell.

Vanessa68's picture

The one thing that bothers me, that as a nurse i changed my schedule to work around his. I would work when he had the kids and when he didn't we spent the weekends together.
I dont blame him for anything, I made these choices based on a great man that I wanted to marry…but I lost out on a lot of shifts/money and postings by rearranging my life to be a part of his…..and he had the balls, to "make" me sleep in another room….."grrrr"
hi
With all this chatting and support it is hitting me like a ton of bricks…the reality..or the craziness..??

Date? Not now, so not interested..

Vanessa68's picture

Thank you again….

It was slow and subtle… No kids for 6 months….enough time to "swoon me" haha

If it wasn't for the panic attacks, i would still be there….honestly the panic attacks gotta make you laugh, a grown woman standing in a arcade crying, i can't handle this,…LOL

dood's picture

Yeah! Seriously - any man worth his weight in salt would NEVER let you be that upset...

constantly_irritated's picture

Yeah, we all do that crap. It's sad to hear that you thought you might marry him. I like self-help books, like "He's just not that into you" in times like this. Books make me feel better.

Vanessa68's picture

Yes the kids are immature and sheltered, we couldn't go see Jurassic Park because it was too scary…wtf…anyway

The ex is a schoolteacher and very religious, uses God and guilt…Nothing against God, you know what I mean

I would have left immediately that night, but it was the night of that nasty downpour, I am not driving at 12midnight in pouring rain 1 hr from home, that why i stayed. I left at 6 in the morning before the kids got up. I told him that night I would never stay again, I am not sleeping alone. That he needs to talk to his kids.

Its sad because I am not getting any younger, I invested a lot, i tired, maybe too much..

oneoffour's picture

IF he contacts you it will be:
"I am sorry. I am a dreadful person not to contact you..."
"Yes you are. It was very rude and cowardly of you. Frankly I expected better but obviously you are not up to that. Goodbye and do not call again."

"I know my kids are a little crazy but they have had such a tough time with the divorce and all..."
"No. Your ex has remarried and I am sure her husband doesn't put up with such immature behaviour. You are making excuses for your kids when 50% of the kids in America come from split families. Do not call me again."

"I miss you"
"You have the wrong number...CLICK!"

"Can wee just try again?"
"No. You want someone who I can never be. And you are someone I no longer want. Thank you for the get-out-of-jail card. Goodbye. If you call me again I will see about a Restraining Order. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CREEP!"

"Vanessa, I was wrong..."
"FUCK OFF! Your kids are awful and I would feel more at home with rabid dogs. Your ex controls your testicles and your life. You are a weak man and a horrible father. LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Babe..."
"The person you are calling doesn't give a fuck. Do not call again."

Vanessa68's picture

OMG… I laughed out loud…

I love the second last one…Vanessa I was wrong…haha

If i think I know him….he is gone…

I even met the ex..

Oh Margie's picture

Sue2 is the fucking shit. Seriously, she is who I want to be when I grow up.
Honey I am so so sorry after reading both your blogs I just want to give you a huge hug.
My situation is very different. I was with my ex for six years and loved him in a crazy stupid way that I'd never experienced but we broke up not because of his kids but because of his obsession with fighting with his ex. He was never ever able to disengage from her and it finally was too much for me.
I will be honest this is been the hardest 12 months of my entire life. I've experienced depression like I have never gone through. Here is what helped me.
First of all copy and paste both your blogs into a word document that you can access whenever you start feeling low or uncertain. Second of all sit down right now and write down every single thing that you feel and everything that you felt during that day at the mall with his daughters. Dig deep, write down every awful incident you can think of and every heartbreaking moment you can think of in absolute gruesome detail. Save that document in the same place where you saved a copy of your blogs.
The next step for me it was to allow myself five minutes twice a day to cry my eyes out and feel heartbroken. Then wipe your eyes, fix your make up and reread all of those documents over again.
You are going to be OK

Vanessa68's picture

Sue2 is definitely amazing, nothing like a good slap in the face-thats what some of us need..:)

I can relate to you, he also still continued to battle with his ex, about the access, to much contact for my liking. They recently had a mediator meeting about a month ago because she was abusing the contract….

Thank you for the advice I will do that, Smile

I cried today…first time all week….such a heartless bitch…lmao

Oh Margie's picture

Ha ha I am normally not a crier either. To the point where I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. This is all new to me as well

simifan's picture

Maybe it's my pessimist side, but i have a feeling he is busy with his kids & will be back. I hope you remember how you feel right now when he calls. Do not take him back. Find yourself a new childless man that respects you and puts your needs first.

Vanessa68's picture

If he does contact me you will be the first to know, I will be typing between panic attacks….

Feeling powerful…:)

An

robin333's picture

You will survive this and look back and be thankful you moved on. You deserve someone that treats you right. It sounds silly, but write a list of must haves and deal breakers. At the top of must have is a man with honor and the ability to be a partner. Top of deal breakers: any coward to the ex or kids. (I recommend no kids living at home as in launched but that's me). And don't do the sacrifice stuff again until you are secure. I understand your profession and most in that work want to fix things or make it better for those they care about. Just remember, you matter most and must be taken care of yourself first.

Vanessa68's picture

Thank you

I remember when he told me their ages, I thought oh thats not to bad…

My kids are grown I haven't spoken to my ex in years…why??

The illusion I could handle it..his baggage….(said with love, not the kids fault)

Kaliko's picture

Vanessa68, I respect how you're handling this. You're mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and that's normal. 5 days is not too long to grieve, in my opinion, even if intellectually you accept that you're better off. He pulled a bait-and-switch on you... maybe not deliberately, but it really doesn't matter; it's a brutal thing to deal with regardless. And you tried to make it work anyway, because you cared about him and thought the situation could get better. But I think the fact that you recognized the problem was his - and his kids' - and came to this site for support *instead* of blaming yourself proves that you've got a good head on your shoulders. And you're a nurse, so you're plenty tough. Smile

I second the "finding a therapist" idea - talk through the red flags you missed, figure out how and why you missed them, and just heal yourself for a bit. hugs!

Vanessa68's picture

Good Morning,

I appreciate all your comments, as far as therapy I am not against it, and I can tell you this site has done wonders for my understanding in what I was dealing with. I had only just met the kids within the last 2 months, only 3 visits. I have never been in a relationship with a man with kids, my first reaction I thought was just fear, but when it happened again I knew something was wrong. As far behaving like a 15 yr old, all i can say is I was in shock. Shock at myself, that i didn't think it would be a big deal, i could accept and deal with it.

I dont feel guilty for not being able to do it, to handle it. I feel relieved. I have been in therapy but his puppy blindsided me. I wouldn't have recognized a red flag, because i thought this was normal/healthy…I was trying….

As far as bait and switch that won't work, I see the big picture now, following behind, him taking the kids words-whatever. I am not driving, paying, putting out, every day had some drama, the kids need braces, soccer, gymnastics, oh hell no…no no no..

I have deleted all contact/texts/emails…..I doubt he will come back, he is a wuss, he would have to check with BM first…hahahahha

Vanessa68's picture

He can't go back to BM she remarried a few months ago, but she still has his balls in her bag.

No more babies for me, just dogs…:)

Vanessa68's picture

LOL….

I was thinking I would just email all this messaging to him, DAM…

His BM would love that she is controlling him, and married to someone else.