UPDATE!- talk with ss12!
OMG! My dh completely shocked me! So i posted earlier today about dh taking ss to the fair last night knowing we were having a talk with ss today. Read my last few posts if you don't know. So, his morning dh is dreading this talk. He wants me to do it all. I was fine with doing most of the talking at first- until dh 'rewarded' ss by taking him to the fair last night. I told dh he wasn't going to get away with playing nice guy all weekend and having me come out as the mean one. Then dh started with the video was 'kids being kids', 'it's's not that bad', blah blah. I asked dh if another non-related 13 yo boy videoed the same thing- him hitting ds4, how would he react? Then I reminded him that during the video, ss was laughing and talking as if he is making the video to show his friends. ("this is my ugly brother" and "look everyone") and how that made it worse. I then compared it to a 20yo beating up on ss- thanks to the poster who gave me that reference! So that was that. Dh got home with ss and after the kids calmed down I asked dh when we were doing this. He tried to say later but I pestered him. He asked me to give him a few minutes, which I did.
Then on his own, dh called ss into our room. He initiated the conversation AND did most of the talking! He handled it really well!! He asked ss if he remembered the videos he had on his phone (no) so we showed him that video. Dh asked him what made him do it (idk). Then dh told him that behavior would NOT be tolerated anymore. He said it sternly, but not angry. Ss started tearing up. I kind of sat there listening to dh thinking "who are you?" Wow totally impressed me. Dh asked him what bm would do to him if he was caught doing that to his sister at home. (she'd be mad and I'd get in trouble.) At that point I said well we thought about telling your mom (his eyes got big & tears started again) but told him we decided not to and we'd just keep it between us unless he said something to her. I talked about the seriousness of it. Ss said he didn't hit him that hard and dh was quick to say that it didn't matter because he is older and anytime he hits his little bro it is going to hurt.
We talked about other things to but one thing dh did tell him was that when he is here, he is held at a sufferer standard and that we have certain standards here. (he wanted to say we have higher standards at our house than bm, but held back!) Ss was quiet and teary the whole time but it went well. Dh took over which was a nice surprise. Who would've thought? Now I can enjoy the rest of my weekend!