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UPDATE!- talk with ss12!

Tx mommy of 3's picture

OMG! My dh completely shocked me! So i posted earlier today about dh taking ss to the fair last night knowing we were having a talk with ss today. Read my last few posts if you don't know. So, his morning dh is dreading this talk. He wants me to do it all. I was fine with doing most of the talking at first- until dh 'rewarded' ss by taking him to the fair last night. I told dh he wasn't going to get away with playing nice guy all weekend and having me come out as the mean one. Then dh started with the video was 'kids being kids', 'it's's not that bad', blah blah. I asked dh if another non-related 13 yo boy videoed the same thing- him hitting ds4, how would he react? Then I reminded him that during the video, ss was laughing and talking as if he is making the video to show his friends. ("this is my ugly brother" and "look everyone") and how that made it worse. I then compared it to a 20yo beating up on ss- thanks to the poster who gave me that reference! So that was that. Dh got home with ss and after the kids calmed down I asked dh when we were doing this. He tried to say later but I pestered him. He asked me to give him a few minutes, which I did.

Then on his own, dh called ss into our room. He initiated the conversation AND did most of the talking! He handled it really well!! He asked ss if he remembered the videos he had on his phone (no) so we showed him that video. Dh asked him what made him do it (idk). Then dh told him that behavior would NOT be tolerated anymore. He said it sternly, but not angry. Ss started tearing up. I kind of sat there listening to dh thinking "who are you?" Wow totally impressed me. Dh asked him what bm would do to him if he was caught doing that to his sister at home. (she'd be mad and I'd get in trouble.) At that point I said well we thought about telling your mom (his eyes got big & tears started again) but told him we decided not to and we'd just keep it between us unless he said something to her. I talked about the seriousness of it. Ss said he didn't hit him that hard and dh was quick to say that it didn't matter because he is older and anytime he hits his little bro it is going to hurt.

We talked about other things to but one thing dh did tell him was that when he is here, he is held at a sufferer standard and that we have certain standards here. (he wanted to say we have higher standards at our house than bm, but held back!) Ss was quiet and teary the whole time but it went well. Dh took over which was a nice surprise. Who would've thought? Now I can enjoy the rest of my weekend!


Tx mommy of 3's picture

Thanks! Me too! Dh was calm but stern and reiterated the important parts. Hopefully this will stop the fighting.

pastepmomof3's picture

I'm glad your DH took control over the situation. I only hope that SS was sincere with the tears. I think sometimes the SK's, particularly the teenagers, put on the waterworks, which makes the BD/BM "ease up" on their lecture. I witnessed this firsthand with SD15.

I read your other blogs on this topic and the only thing i can think is to ask BS if SS is hitting him. I'm glad your DH spoke to SS about this but I hope for BS's sake he doesn't stop with one talk. I think one of the ramifications of this behavior is unannounced spontaneous cell phone checks. It seems almost like blackmail by not telling BM about the situation, because who's to say he's not doing the same thing to his BS too? It may seem harsh but the kid needs to understand his behavior was wrong and will not be tolerated on either side and should be punsihed for it..

Good luck to you.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Well ss has always been a crier. He thinks he is sti a little kid and acts like it. Only at our house we expect him to act his age. He cries over everything, but does not like to cry in front of us. He usually leaves the room, but couldn't this time. The tears were real. And his attitude changed this weekend. Since he will only be coming eow til Christmas I think things should be ok for awhile atleast. Although dh was calm, he was also stern and we did 'scare' him a little by letting him know he could get in trouble legally.

We have told our bios that if they get bullied (by ss each other) to tell us. Same with ss. We told him if the little ones bother him or start somethig hen to walk away or tell us. No hitting back either way. We also have a no negative rule now. If anyone says anything negative to each other they get a time out. Dh does go thru ss phone so that won't stop, esp now. Now that we've has this talk, if anything else happens then it'll be worse next time. It isn't going to be the last time we bring it up.

pastepmomof3's picture

Good for you guys for putting your foot down. It still makes me wonder if this behavior wasn't also taking place at SS's BM's house. I know you said in your blog that he knew he would get in trouble at BM's house, but does that mean he never did it there, or is he just a little more careful about how he does it.

Just thinking outside the box. Smile Glad to hear the talk had the desired effect.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Well at bm's he has a little sister. He is good with my dd and I think he isgood with his sister too. My dd is 5 and has never complained about him hitting her or anything physical. He teases her but no hitting, pushing etc. I think he's he same with his sister at home. Plus she is like 2. He also lives with his stepdad and spends more time with his stepdad (sister's dad). I think he knows boys don't hit girls. Een when he was coming frequently years back he was really good with dd. Things changed when ds was born. I think he picks on ds because he's jealous- ds is also a boy and represents everything ss missed out on because his parents split.