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Update to our SD SOS situation

TrueNorth77's picture

Thank you to all that answered my cries for help. I truly appreciate all of the advice and as much as DH bashes my "SM sites" because he thinks his way of parenting is the only and best way, he was definitely open to any input I relayed to him when I told him I posted this. Here is what has transpired since SD-almost 15 arrived on Sunday. 

She is still a demon. She has mostly stayed in her lair, which currently has the door removed after she decided to send repeated sarcastic goading texts to DH, saying "I thought you were sending me somewhere? My bags are packed!", and accusing him of bluffing and then escalating it when he went and talked to her. He cut the power to her room for a good 5hrs but in true DH fashion felt bad and turned it back on. He decided to soften his approach and talked to her again with no results. Yesterday was mostly silent- He talked to her again last night with much worse results- SD was hostile, disrespectful, delusional, and he finally told her she can go to her moms or a friends, but as long as she is here she will follow rules and be respectful. He did tell her he would be filing for her mom to have full custody and she was ecstatic. She said they would be moving away then. He mentioned that her mom hadn't filed for full custody of her and she said yeah but she wants it, she just knows you won't give it to her. Sure SD, that's it. 

Yesterday DH went to the Court and got paperwork to file for an emergency change of custody. They are super helpful there and he talked to a few people who said they see this all the time (PAS) and there is not much to do about it. They said he needs to be very thorough when filling out the paperwork- attach documentation, etc, and once he files the paperwork they will assign a GAL, he will have to go to mediation with Crazy, he will get a July court date (emergency is a loose term apparently). They advised him NOT to take SD's phone when she is refusing to hand it over. Which is honestly infuriating- the law is set up so kids can just run the show because parents have to be afraid of getting in trouble?? Absolutely ridiculous. 

Meanwhile, Crazy has been messaging DH repeatedly on OFW trying to micromanage everything to do with SD. "What is wrong with you? You made SD walk today?? It is hot and she has a medical condition!". SD got her old job back and had to go pick up her schedule. It is a 15 min walk and it was 87 degrees. She is just fine. We also have a bike. He said if you are so worried why didn't you take her? She said, I had to work! So did he! Then she wrote and told him he better have AC in SD's room and not just ours. I wish we could just block her. Don't force her here and then send constant messages!!

I have ignored SD except to tell her to go clean up the mess on the bathroom floor and toilet seat from her period because I was NOT doing that...I wish I were joking. Yesterday DH and I made a million phone calls to everywhere we could find for SD to go that seemed doable (and wouldn't cost a million dollars). Honestly, after DH's convo with her yesterday, we realized she will not be here long and there is only so much he can do. Crazy would probably never approve of some camp or boarding school and they are $$$ and we do not have the $. I called a few places I thought were inpatient but werent. We called 2 counties and only managed to come up with a program designed to keep the kid in the home (they respond to crisis's in-home). I found an outpatient intensive daily group treatment program that is 20 mins away and transportation is provided through ins. It's also recommended by her current counselor. Crazy would probably take her to the eval since SD "doesn't want our help, only her moms" (her words). DH just sent her a message letting her know that we are having the Counselor send a referral and we think it is a good idea for her to go- she needs more help. We also wanted it documented that WE found her help, and if she resists, it is her getting in the way. Surprisingly she responded that she thinks it's great. This is great and if SD actually goes it will hopefully get her help, but this doesn't address anything this week and by the time she goes she will be back with Crazy and we will be refusing all future placement. 

THEN she asked if DH filed for full custody, because SD told him he did this yesterday. Crazy said "this is not something I would pursue at this point due to concerns I now have of my own". IMAGINE THAT, she doesn't want full custody!! We knew she hadn't filed for a reason. 

So now I'm terrified. What if when this all goes to court, Crazy refuses full custody? What happens?? Honestly SD cannot be here as she is. We are all miserable. I cried twice yesterday because I'm so upset at the situation and seeing what SD has turned into. It is surreal. We are just wishing she would go to her moms or a friend's so everyone can be comfortable again. I am tempted to suggest DH tell Crazy he will be dropping her off. But she will most likely lie and say she's not home and SD can't get in. There's no winning. 

DH took the advice here and called his old attorney for advice on how to handle this all, but hasn't heard back yet. 


advice.only2's picture

What about police intervention when it comes to SD?  Calling the cops on her when she’s screaming or threatening suicide?  What happens if SD goes back to Crazy’s and she drops her off at your house and you just don’t answer the door?  Can you call the cops on Crazy and say she abandoned her child on your doorstep and SD can’t be at your home because you fear for your lives?  Your DH may need to consider getting his own place and just living there with SD on his time until she ages out.

TrueNorth77's picture

If she starts anything with suicidal threats we're calling the police. We aren't playing games with that anymore. I honestly don't know what to do if she tried to drop her off here sometime. Which is part of why we don't want to start that trend. She will turn around and do it to us. Maybe I'll have DH ask the lawyer that.

TrueNorth77's picture

It really is heartbreaking. As much as I complain she has always been a good kid until now. This is insane. I almost went to talk to her because it's hard to really reconcile that she is actually this person now. You could always talk to her before. But I didn't. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I saw this same thing happen with my SO's brother's daughters around age 14 (they were 13 and 15.) Their mom PAS'd them so well and turned them into such little demons that nobody would take them. She actually fled the state and refused to amswer her phone for several weeks because she "needed a break." I guess so, after training them for years on how to be hateful little sh!ts who like to falsely accuse.

I cannot imagine being the stepmom in this situation. The stepmom of the girls i am referencing called the police when they became violent, and they haven't darkened her door since. They eventually went back to their mom. I would honestly advise calling 911 if she gets violent or threatens violence or suicide at this point. 

CajunMom's picture

on what to tell you. Just I'm so sorry you are dealing with this out of control kid. I know in our area it is so difficult to place a teen with issues.  She's only 14 so National Guard Youth Challenge is out. Minimum age there is 16. I pray things get better and you guys can get her into some type of long-term facility. Again..wish I had more to tell you. 

Dollbabies's picture

I'm reading this wrong but it sounds like she has gotten herself on the crazy train and doesn't know how to get off, like she's not really crazy at all. She seems to be enjoying herself way too much. I don't mean this literally but it sounds like what she needs a humongous slap across the face to sober her up.

My older sister was like this. She did spend time in a mental hospital as a teenager which was quite a shock to her system. They didn't care if she threw temper tantrums and she was used to them working.

She was 14 at the time and I was 5 so I don't have many clear memories of then but I remember one time she started beating on the door, screaming "help me! They're beating me! Help me, please" because our neighbors were outside and so could hear her. My parents weren't anywhere near her. Nobody was touching her.

That triggered the mental ward stay. As I said, that was a shock to her system. This was back in the 50's so there were few psychiatric medications available then. She got better but was always very manipulative and controlling. She eventually cut us all off, even me, who she liked to portray as her darling little sister. Nothing happened to cause it. She just did it. When she died in 2015 I hadn't seen her in over 35 years. 

Dollbabies's picture

Have you and your DH discussed what would happen if both he and BM refused custody of her? I'm assuming they would first look for family members for a short term custody arrangement but if that didn't pan out how would he react if SD was made a ward of the state and placed in what probably would be a juvenile institution of some sort? Could he handle that? If he couldn't, what then? 

AlmostGone834's picture

Don't come for me guys but I might consider...

1. Showing SD the text from her mom where she said she didn't want full custody

2. Telling SD that neither you guys nor her mom want custody because of her behavior. Give X Y and Z as examples. 

3. Tell her your going to try like hell to get her mom to take full custody but that you can't force her to. 

4. In any event, given her current behavior she can't stay here. She can pack her bags and go stay with her mom, a friend, a relative (if there are any who would take her) or hop and a bus to CA and go live with the modern day version of the Manson family 

5. Then start playing "you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here..."

Harry's picture

And needs mental help ASAP.  No body. Like the police want to play her game .   No institution will take her with out a full evaluation and a conditional they can treat,   If they can't do treatment in her they will not take her.   Or take just crazy.   You have a hard most likely impossible road ahead of you because BM is also crazy.  And is preventing her getting treatment.  
'No body are going to help if this will cause them $. 
'The GAL will do mediation with crazy. But if she is not coming up with $. What is he going to do.?   Do you really think you are going in the end get anyplace with crazy?   It will be fun for her, she can tell her story's,  agreeable to do things she will not do , Because of new story's.  
SD needs to be institutionalized,  she should be deaned disable and on Social Securty disability and Medicare.  So Medicare will pay part of the cost.  But there a two year waiting period. For Medicare to kick in in most cases. ???

SD sitting in her room with door on or off. With or with out her cell phone. Doing nothing is not helping anything.  Your other problems is any normal friends she had are gone. For good, they dint need drama. Any friends she will get are just as crazy. They find each other somehow some way 

Rags's picture

When you get shit on your shoe it is not tear worthy. So, go solve the problem focused, scrape the shit off of your shoe, and move on.

This kid is going to have to live the consequences she is building for herself. 

What is confusing to me is how Crazy can sump the shit on your doorstep and  you don't immediately return the favor by dumping SD on her doorstep.  No need for courts, just do it.  You can file and push forward with the court action but that does not mean you have to keep this turd in your home.  Crazy built it, let crazy deal with it.  As soon as Crazy dumps the kid on you, dump the kid back on Crazy. Send the OFW message that SD is at Crazy's.  That documents that SD is at mom's house. Then... send another OFW that you and DH have left for an extended stay somewhere else. Make sure the locks are re-keyed and you have cameras and the alarm system on so you can monitor your home while you stay at Candlewood Suites or whatever place you want to stay to make sure Crazy and SD have no choice but to deal with their crap.  A small investment for a break from the Crazy show.

Lather, rinse, repeat.