Pretty sure SS is moving back for his HS GF
DH has not talked to SS18 the Golden child in almost 3 WEEKS. DH is livid because SS is talking about hating college, and we know it's 99% because of his Jr-in-HS gf back home. SS is across the country and has a ton of friends, is in a frat, and this college is amazing for his major. There are HUGE opportunities that he could never get anywhere else. But, a month before he left for college he decided to get super serious with his gf here. WHY. Prior to that they would go weeks without seeing each other.
A few weeks ago SS told DH he is coming home for Christmas for a month. He was just home for a week in Oct. DH had already talked to him about only coming for 2wks because 1. SS has a job there and is supposed to be working to pay off his car that he was supposed to pay off over summer but never did. 2. DH is scared that the more time SS spends with his gf, the more likely he is to leave that college and move back home where there is NO college for SS's major (there is 1 but SS didn't get in). 3. SS doesn't even have a vehicle here, everyone works or is in school for most of the time and he won't even have anything to do. SS doesn't care, he is coming home from Dec 10th-Jan 10th and that's that.
Anyway, DH is so upset about this gf situation that he can't see straight. He was yelling at SS via text, and SS started saying how he he's "lonely" and he's the "only kid from his class who went to college out of state". (As if that should be the bar.) He is at an international college where most kids are from out of state and COUNTRY, and I bet half the kids in his HS class WISHED they could go out of state. So now he's making excuses. He said he "misses seeing his parents everyday". HA! He was always in his room for 1, and second, you are 18 bro- those days are over. You aren't going to "see your parents everyday". Even when he came home last month he didn't do 1 single thing with Crazy or us. We saw him for 20 mins. I do understand it's hard and he's probably homesick, but he's also romanticizing it- he wouldn't see his friends here (he didn't hang out with them when he lived here!), and we know the biggest draw is his gf. SS went on and on about how every other kid is going home for Christmas for a month but he should be the only one that doesn't? Which isn't what DH was saying, but DH was sick of SS's pouty attitude So they haven't talked since. DH said that if SS drops out of college, (SS said he isn't), he can live with his mom. DH agrees that no matter what, SS isn't going to just live here. He is going to either go to another college, get a job and move out, or live with Crazy.
This week, as Demon15 was yelling at DH, she mentioned she had seen the texts DH had sent to SS, and that DH "Cut SS off when he turned 18 and he doesn't even want SS home for Christmas and we cleared out SS's bedroom!!". I bit my lip soo hard. She had said some things to me that weren't amazing also, and she did apologize the The next day. I couldn't resist telling her how she doesn't have the whole story- DH just gave SS $1,700 the week prior for college because SS just had to upgrade his dorm and then owed $ and couldn't enroll in 2nd semester classes until he paid what he owed. And that DH also gave him a $520 loan overpayment check to put towards his car instead of paying it back to the school, which SS probably just spent on Xmas presents for his gf. But instead of showing any gratitude, SS had to send the texts to Crazy and make himself out to be a victim and DH as the bad guy. No mention of what DH has done for him. And that actually, LOTS of parents turn kids rooms into guest rooms or something else when they leave for college- it doesn't mean he's kicked out! He just has a Queen size bed to sleep in when he visits now. Demon changed her tune after hearing this, and told me how SS's gf already had a trip planned to see SS at college in March, and that he plans on moving back after this year. She also said she's "sick of people sleeping in her bed", so she's glad there will be somewhere else for them to sleep. At first I was confused- I thought she meant people were sleeping in her room at Crazy's. No- she meant at our house. The ONE F'ng time I had friends come on, which was almost 4yrs ago for DH and I's wedding reception, and they slept in Demon's room. ONCE. Now she is "sick" of it. Even DH said told her, NO ONE SLEEPS IN YOUR ROOM, it happened ONE TIME. These kids are such victims. They honestly think these are rough things, and things to complain about. Imagine, people sleeping in your room once! They weren't even here, they wouldn't have even known it happened except we told them.
Anyway, It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I'm sure DH will talk to SS before Christmas. I'm curious if he will end up staying by us at all. But we were actually considering going to SS's college area for New Year's because I have a hookup to stay for free, and flights are cheap, plus DH and I both have off work. It's pretty irritating if we don't go because SS is here, and we just stay home doing nothing. DH said "maybe he will go back to college early if we are there". No DH. He won't. He wants to be here with his gf. And we wouldn't be spending every second there with him anyway. I'm not surprised that there is still drama with SS from thousands of miles away.
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Comments
Birth control
I hope your DH has had a serious discussion of bc with SS. The yearning to be with her.....
Oh he did
He's had 10 serious BC discussions with SS. He even bought SS a 100pk of condoms for college and told him he ALWAYS needed to use one, even if the girl was on BC. Did it matter? Nope! SS took the condom off the very first time him and his gf had sex to "see what it felt like", and she isn't on BC! This kid is an idiot. All I know is there will not be a baby in this house. DH 100% agrees.
10 to 1 I will bet he's
10 to 1 I will bet he's failing most of his classes there.
Nooo
I have no idea what his grades are (I have completely disengaged) but I would die. He couldn't even transfer into a good school then. Whatever, not my problem. DH would absolutely die.
Slam the wallet shut. If he
Slam the wallet shut. If he comes back for that month, Dad doesn't pay him to do it. No more extras, rides, etc. No more open home = open wallet. If crazy wants to pay him to be a slacker, so be it but the bank of dad is closed. Don't pay for his month home.
Not one cent
He's not getting a thing. DH has already given him soo much, including a few hundred dollars to go to an MMA fight, because a college kid that didn't have a job at the time even though he was supposed to really needs to be attending events that cost hundreds of dollars. DH told him it was his Christmas present and he better stick to that.
I can't get over the fact
I can't get over the fact that he's in college but dating a junior in high school.... A 19 year old with a 14/15 year old..
This is what I think
Although technically she is 17 and he is still 18. Still. The reality of the difference is huge. She has a year and 1/2 left In HS, and he is across the country. It's so silly.
Disengage
There is no reasonings with SS. He an adult, it's his life, he responsible for what he dies, or doesn't do.
You can’t fight ‘“ LOVE””
SS has to make his mistakes, DH.. all ready had " the talk" I don't know what else he can do. Just make sure that the baby doesn't come to your home. Made it perfectly clear to DH. If he wants to play live in GF. He has to quite his job and move to motel 6 with the GC.
I did tell DH the same thing-
I did tell DH the same thing- SS will make his own mistakes, DH can't stop him. But we both are in 1000% agreement that a baby will never live in this house, should SS mess up that bad. SS will need to figure it out. We are not kid people. We can't handle it. DH had skids and that's the extent of it. We don't even babysit his nieces and nephews. We play with them for 15 mins on holidays and then we move on. If we ever become grandparents, sure, DH will be involved (moreso than me) but they won't live in our house.
Even if there isn't a baby, I
Even if there isn't a baby, I'd also draw a line in the sand about the gf living with you. SS is NOT moving her in with you so they can play at being a couple ... and this even if her parents kick her out. Then it becomes a situation that the happy couple will have to solve all by themselves. Make sure your DH is on board with this too.
Ha!
SS isn't even living with us longer than a summer, his gf sure isn't living with us! This honestly wouldn't even be a conversation. DH and I are 100% no on this and SS knows this. He can't even have her over if we aren't home. He also knows he can stay for summers if he is in college- if he is not in college, he has to find a job and move out. Those rules have been ingrained for years. DH just reiterated them a few weeks ago. The goal is to have less kids not more. lol
Everything WinterGlow said.
Everything WinterGlow said.
Our rules are no sleep overs until marriage.
We keep things simple.
Even after marriage
If she lets them stay, even temporarily, she will never, ever get them out and they will bleed her ressources dry.
No sleepovers
Our rule now is he can't have her over if we aren't home, and He still has to crack his bedroom door if they are in there. She is not 18 and he is- there is not going to be sex here. I think at some point (I don't know what that point may be- years down the road most likely) if it was like a wknd or night and made sense and they were in a long-term relationship we may entertain a sleepover for a holiday, but that point is NOT right now. Most likely it would be if he had a gf from another state and brought her home for a holiday.
My kind sister-in-law
My ex SIL is a very kind, empathetic person. When her son, about 16, had a gf with parent issues, she let her move in. Rescue mode. The gf ended up being her son wife, kind of by default. She's a witch.
That's very nice of her
But it's a hell no for me. lol. It may be the other way around here- I could see SS staying with his gf's family because apparently they are saintly and have taken SS in and do all kinds of family activities (although they are extremely religious) and we are the witches who have rules and push him.
He's going to do what he's
He's going to do what he's going to do. All your DH can do is advise and set boundaries. I wish I had handled my own daughter's college struggles differently.
If he leaves school, he needs a full time job, etc. No freeloading. And you're not raising babies!
Preach!
This is exactly what I told DH. You can't force him to do anything, he's going to make his own mistakes. Hopefully he chooses to stay in school, and I think he will, just most likely not in the school he is in. I missed Thanksgiving but DH's family told him the same thing. DH said yeah but he at least wanted to get his points aross to SS, that he would be giving this up for a girl that it most likely will not work out with. The boundaries have been set and I would insist they are reiterated IF he left school and stayed here- He could only stay for X amount of time while working FT and would need to move out. And there would not be a baby in this house- that is a firm Hell no. Although honestly I'm not sure where SS would want to stay- our house is nicer with a nice room, but we have more expectations. He would have to do chores and the aforementioned timeframe would be imposed- Crazy would make him do zero chores, and probably wouldn't even make him work FT or have a limit on how long he could stay, plus he can have his gf over with the door closed, where here he has to have his bedroom door cracked. Yes it's miserable there and she screams at him constantly, but SS is lazy so it's a trade-off. I'm fine if he chooses there, even if it's for the summer.
I left a GF who was 4yrs
I left a GF who was 4yrs younger than me when I graduated HS at 19 and left for college out of State.
I missed her. I missed the environment where I had succeeded prior to leaving for college.
I did not run back, I got over the HS GF. In a hurry. This kid is digging himself a far deeper hole than he may be equiped to climb out of. I completely agree that he needs to live the consequences of his choices though IMHO daddy needs to make every inch of that journy as uncomfortable as possible by the never ending lecture, eleminating all access to daddy's money, and making sure that this get gets the full suite of lectures on how he is F-ing up his life.