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This kid is incapable of doing anything on his own

TrueNorth77's picture

Is anyone else's skid incapable of doing anything without asking their parent? SS17 is a smart kid. He's attending college classes at the University as a Sr in High School, while also attending high school. He has plans for college and a career and I believe he will do it. But he lacks common sense and can't even do the most mundane things without asking DH about it. DH and him are CONSTANTLY texting- if DH gets a text, I have to stop myself from sighing because I know who it is. And DH drops everything to respond immediately. 

We were at a party on Sat. and SS texts asking why his brake light stopped working. Then he text again and said he checked his brake fluid and he is almost out so that is why. Sigh. DH text back and asked him if he was low on blinker fluid also...

Yesterday at the parking garage for college, an old man who works at the garage tripped as he was handing SS his parking ticket and fell head-first into SS's car door, denting it with his HEAD, and was lying UNCONSCIOUS on the ground. What did SS do? Called DH and asked what he should do. I mean, he is 17-1/2, this feels like a no-brainer, you call 911! I guess there were other people around, but no one called 911, and the guy started coming to. SS told the people around him he had to get to class so they were like, just go, so he went to class. 

Then last night SS was at the store and his check engine light came on, so the texts started rolling in. I do get that. It's just the combination of everything.

The other day SS came downstairs twice- once to ask DH if he should play a certain player in Fantasy football (DH didn't even know who the guy was and told him it was up to him), and another to ask DH which essay topic he should choose....he said initially he picked "Something you are passionate about" but wanted to know if he should change it to a different topic, and then asked DH what specifically he should write the essay about....as in, DH should tell him what he's passionate about. Last week he text DH to see if DH could look at his laptop, which was bought new last year but now for some reason isn't working. 

It is exhausting, and I'm not even the one getting these texts. But DH is SO enamored with SS that he just eats it up and happily picks up the phone to immediately respond, even if I'm in the middle of a sentence. I have started saying "I was talking" when he does this. It honestly infuriates me- it's so rude, you can wait 30 seconds to respond. 

It makes me wonder how SS will function on his own- most likely he will still be texting DH nonstop. Even at Crazy's, he will text DH for every little question he has. Crazy is crazy, but ask your freaking mom sometimes!

Also, I overheard SS say that DH had given him $ for new shoes, and heard DH mention paying for school fees that SS racked up by losing a chromebook charger and some other things. But when I mentioned that we have to pay a bill that is DH's responsibility to pay, DH said to me, you do know I'm poor at the moment, right? I said, Ok we are going to fight if that's your response, because I heard that you just gave SS $ for shoes and are paying for his fees at school?? (DH claims he is only paying for the AP class costs, not the charger), but when I tell you we have a bill that we have to pay, you give me a hard time. I'm not going to pay for everything just so you can pay for all of SS's things and bail him out of everything. He didn't have much to say to that. I can already see how college will be - DH bailing SS out of everything.  

Comments

CLove's picture

Finances as well as "learned helplessness" are definintely a thing with skids.

The bio parents enjoy feeling useful and the skid gets the attention. It seems they are not at all interested in raising their progeny to be strong independent humans. Husband Ive seen him turn the stove on for SD17 Powersulk. He will make her food for her and will take her bathroom trash out as well as vaccum her room for her.

Shes cooked 2 times in the 10 years Ive been around. She took culinary classes at 14. She knows how to chop, sautee and boil. Ive seen her make a complete breakfast of fried eggs, bacon and toast. 

SD24 was always coddled and catered to and it drove me nuts. She was "pescatarian" and always had to have special meals. Could she cook for herself? nah, thats too much WORK.

Is she still pesca now that no longer catered to and coddled? NO.

She also has no drivers license. 

Sounds like the financial part is going to be a sore spot - good on you for calling your H out on overspending to coddle SS.

TrueNorth77's picture

I would die with the no DL thing. I cannot imagine allowing that. You are just signing up to be their Uber until they get one. 

I honestly think DH is so enamored with SS and wants to be the favorite parent, so he answers all of SS's questions and helps him out to earn that title. Also known as coddling. He loves that SS comes to him, although even when it annoys him because it's so absolutely ridiculous, he never tells SS no. DH likes to think he makes them do things to be independent (he does make them cook for themselves at least), like once he made SS go to a Dr. appt on his own. But otherwise he will do everything because SS is "a good kid", and he doesn't even realize he's coddling them. As if being a good kid means you shouldn't teach them how to do things in life. He won't even make SS mow the lawn because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. It boggles the mind. 

All of this is extremely hard for me to witness because I was raised the extreme opposite. I had to do everything for myself from a very early age. I'm not saying that's right, but I could cook, clean, weed the garden, do laundry, grocery shop, get myself from A to B and everything else by 4th grade. My dad was my only parent and he was gone for weeks at a time as a teen, and I almost never had to call him (and we didn't have text). It's crazy the amount of neediness. 

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

"...even if I'm in the middle of a sentence."

That's bloody annoying. Have you ever refused to continue the conversation? When the SSs were young (pre-teen, teens), they would constantly interrupt our conversation and DH would respond. I said it was rude countless times. No change. I finally started refusing to continue the conversation when DH allowed the interruptions. EVERY conversation. And some were important. I'd eventually discuss hours later or the next day, but refused to pick it up after an interruption. DH got the hint and started saying, "Hang on a minute. Aniki is/I am talking."

halo1998's picture

he had a nasty habit of texting people back when I was talking to him. I just would up and stop talking and I would leave the room. No amount of asking me would get me to tell him what I was talking about.  I haven't had to do this in quite a while.....since he finally realized these "interruptions" were causing issues with us connecting.  (Ya think...)

TrueNorth77's picture

I have once or twice, and it did impact him slightly. I have seen him grab his phone and then put it right back down as I see his brain computing that I'm talking, don't answer this text right now. But it only lasts a little while. It's to the point where I need to take a bigger stand or I'm going to flip out on him. 

Survivingstephell's picture

DH  needs to be retrained so he responds first to you and feels the pain when he forgets who comes first.  Interrupting your time with him for this?  Nope.  Counting on your money? Nope.  I'd give him the big old 180 and find better things to do when he chooses SS over you.  I'd not bail him out with money anymore.   Things will get worse before they get better but something has to change.   Here, you can have my bitch boots.  They worked well for me and you need some.  

Rags's picture

pathetic crap.

Blinkers, check engine lights, both things a late teen driver (particularly a male) should be able to work through without calling daddy.

Just wait until he walks out to his car when he is out and about .... to a flat tire.

Ha!

That, needs to be a YouTube moment when it happens.

When SS was first driving, etc... he had to rotate his tires, learn to check his oil/transmission fluid/brake fluid, radiator fluid, etc....  First, we made him read the owners manual for his car, and then give us a verbal summary of the entire manual section by section.... 

Basic crap, that kids today for some reason are never required to learn.

I had to do it, my brother had to do it. So... our kids did it.  Even my very girly niece... did it. A few years ago... she had a flat on her way home from work.  No call to her DH, her dad, her Grandfather... she changed the tire herself.   She made the comment to my dad that she was laughing as she changed the flat because she remembered dad telling her that "A spare, with no air, is no spare".   He spare had air because... she checks.  One of the key lessons of dad's legendary young driver's training boot camp he put my brother and I through, and all of his GKs through.  Probably most memorable is is lesson on driving in reverse.  Miles, and miles, and miles, of backing up. For an hour or more without stopping.  Easy to do in the deserts of the Middle East where my brother and I learned to drive. Much harder in the US. But... dad is a notorious day tripper and mapped out long rural road routes to torture his GK's with driving backwards on.

While I get that many kids do not get any kind of in depth training on driving or basic vehicle functionality, etc.... It is imperative that they figure this shit out on their own and to gain confidence on navigating some of the basics of looming adulthood life.

IMHO of course.

Winterglow's picture

"you do know I'm poor at the moment, right?"

"Stop whinging about being poor. You are not allowed to be poor. You have responsibilities and must learn to manage your money! It's not rocket science."

I think he'd probably be shocked if he sat down and made out a spreadsheet with what he pays and for whom (but only if he's being brutally honest - if he tries to smooth things over it just becomes another pack of useless and highly detectable lies). 

He doesn't get to cry "poor me, I'm broke again!" because he is chucking his money out of the window, bailing his son and his ex out of their obligations.

TrueNorth77's picture

100%! This came up again last night, when DH told me about his coworker who has "had a rough life", is DH's age (43), and the coworker was buying a truck from his dad...his dad said, Well since you're my kid, I'll only charge you $5K instead of $6K. DH thinks that's a shitty thing to do. He thinks the dad should just give this grown "kid" the truck because it's his kid and he has had a rough life. I said, ok but at some point it's just enabling him. Lots of people have rough lives, it doesn't mean you are entitled to be given things forever by your parents just because you can't get it together. DH totally disagreed and talked about when he couldn't get it together and his parents bailed him out and gave him things. He then said, Just so you know, these scenarios may come up (like with skids), and we will have a discussion about them, but in the end I will do what I think is right. So basically, no matter if I disagree, if he wants to give a skid a vehicle when they're older, he's going to. I said "as long as you can afford it". Which he got mad at, and claimed I was "threatening him with $". I said how on earth is that threatening you, as long as you can afford it, you can do what you want. But don't tell me you are broke then and expect me to cover for it. He basically tried to backtrack on our financial agreement for paying the mortgage/bills and vacation home, and said that because he pays more of our home mortgage (which we agreed he would do since we had to buy a big house for skids), I should pay for ALL of the vacation house,which is our home equity loan and vacation home bills, which is NOT what we agreed on. I agreed to pay the home equity loan and part of the bills (I actually said he needed to pay the bills since they aren't that much, but have not pushed that and have been paying half). It became a mild argument and we ended with him saying we should write down what bills we need to pay for both homes, vehicles, etc, and see where our $ is going. We are not great at budgeting so don't really do that. He said we can figure it out from there. Fine, but if he thinks I'm going to pay 50% of everything plus everything for the vacation home so he can give $ to SS, he has another thing coming. I would be broke. I'm so frustrated that he is more worried about telling SS no and giving him responsibility than he is about keeping his word to me on our agreement, although he won't admit that and is spinning it. 

Yesterdays's picture

He sounds immature and selfish in his explanations about money and he's not looking at the whole picture. I think it might actually help to sit down and do a budget together. But a fair one where you both pay part and don't agree to paying the full share of the vacation home. If that's what he insists on maybe the vacation home idea should be scrapped. You have to do what's realistic, what's fair and what you can both afford. He also needs to hold up his end of the bargain. He sounds like he's trying to take advantage 

TrueNorth77's picture

I feel that way too, and I'm frustrated by it. He just looks at me as having all of this extra $ because I make (slightly) more than him and have no child support, where he pays $650/mo plus additional skid expenses, most of which he is choosing to do. Every time I tried to remind him that I agreed to pay the Home Equity loan for the vacation home and we would split the bills, which aren't that much, he went right back to "I pay for the larger part of our regular home mortgage, and we already know that isn't fair and blah blah". We discussed this last year, decided on the split and both agreed, and put it to bed. But now he is going back to it and complaining about it because I'm asking him for $ for his half of the vacation bills, and he's tight with $ now so he doesn't want to pay and thinks I should. I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. As I watch SS bring home energy drinks every day and buy new clothes, while DH has been paying for his phone upgrade and ins and giving him $ for shoes and other things. 

Yesterdays's picture

Don't agree to that once or it will become a regular thing (imo)... (paying his half of the vacation bills..) 

Winterglow's picture

Well, either that or they want someone to do all of the drudgery that they don't want to do themselves, who can foot the bills when they can't, and just expect them to "deal with it" where "it" is anything that they happen to want/expect unilaterally. In many cases, it's because they just don't know any better ... In other cases, it's because they imagine she will make life more comfortable for them.

Harry's picture

DH is still attached to his ex. ..... This is family money. Not his money and your money.   So your DH is paying thousands of $ extra to BM and his DS.  If something comes up at your home.  Broken washing machine..  How do you pay for it.  DH could of payed if he did not give DS thousand in car insurance.. Now what. Credit card and you pay for it ?  
So it's not his money unless you have a new car, diamond ,, and a maid to do the cleaning..

Yesterdays's picture

I'd have a real conversation with him about "family" budgeting and expenses and come up with a financial plan for the household. He needs to stop paying so much of SS insurance especially as its affecting your household budgeting and expenses. Thats not ok and he needs to know that. He won't like it but it is what it is. He needs to contribute to your family bills. All of his money can't be going out the window to the other household with not enough money left over. 

TrueNorth77's picture

We had an argument about this last night (See my comment above that describes it), and he did suggest we sit down and list out each of our bills and put more of a budget together. We have separate finances, but obviously they affect each other, so we need to know what's what and ensure the split is fair. I am not going to cave and pay 50% of everything when he has 2 kids so there are 3 of them and 1 of me, and then he chooses to pay for things I believe SS should be paying for so he has less $. I'm not paying more so he can coddle his kids. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I get that car insurance is ridiculously expensive, and i help my kids with theirs, too, but if DH can't hold up his end of the household expenses he needs to budget better and/or make the kids help. Does DH have any expenses he can cut? I bet he does. Takeout meals vs meal prep at home, luxuries for himself, etc. Most people I know aren't optimizing their budget efficiency, myself included. But - if DH is using "poor" as an excuse not to pull his weight, he needs to make some changes.

As far as the interruptions, i agree with those who say to stop talking. When SO and I first started dating, BM2 was out of control (ok, SO's boundaries with her were.) Almost every time i was on the phone with him, BM would call and SO would take the call, leaving me on hold. I started hanging up every time and not picking up when he would call back. If she called at dinner and he stopped eating to answer, i would stop talking to him the rest of the meal. It's one thing if whoever is calling only calls when it's important, but i'm not going to be regularly shushed or ignored for bullshite.

Also, to add, i find that these issues keep happening with these guys because of underlying dysfunction on their parts. Whether it's a constant competition to be the most loved parent, personal insecurity or need for attention or whatever. Once one problem is taken care of, another crops up in its place. 

TrueNorth77's picture

I love that you hung up on him. lol. I do think DH has underlying issues, although I can't quite pinpoint them. He isn't the type to care about having friends, but if anyone (even if it's not a skid, but especially a skid) texts him, he immediately starts replying. The worst is when he gets a message on OFW from Crazy and we're talking and he clicks to read and answer. Um, she can wait. I'm going to start walking away. I have told him til I'm blue in the face that it's rude and it can wait, but he still does it no matter who is messaging. I have seen him try to ignore it, but I can tell it's hard for him. 

While DH has cut back on spending, (Amazon, eating out), he can certainly do more. He doesn't need to eat at McDonalds every wknd day. Or drink the most expensive drinks that he guzzles. Hopefully the plan we have to write down expenses exposes those opportunities, but I have a feeling he has zero intention of looking at those frivalties as part of his spending and will plan to just keep doing it. 

Winterglow's picture

Might I suggest a few sessions a financial advisor to sort out responsibilities,needs vs wants, and draw up a healthy financial situation for you both?

TrueNorth77's picture

DH will not listen to me when it comes to saving, so maybe he will listen to someone else. Also, DH made the comment last night about me "contributing 15% into my 401K". I can contribute more because I don't have 2 kids and Child support. That is not my fault. 

Yesterdays's picture

Do not cut back on your retirement savings... Under any circumstance. Not your problem. If he could budget better he could probably afford more too. Don't let him drag you down financially. 

Winterglow's picture

You don't have 2 kids, child support, and you don't throw all your spare cash into a bottomless pit.

Winterglow's picture

also remind him that both his and your situation are due to your respective choices. IOW, his situation is entirely his fault and nobody else's.

TrueNorth77's picture

Great point! I definitely will. And again, I want us to be a team and not just single entities, but not to the point where I am paying outside of what I feel is reasonable and he has extra $ which in turn he blows on SS because he doesn't want to make him pay for things we both paid for at SS's age, or because he refuses to manage his $ better.  

TrueNorth77's picture

Yep. I didn't have kids for a reason, and we both decided to have separate finances, including DH. I will NOT reduce my 401K- I am happy I can contribute what I can after making mistakes previously. I'm certainly not reducing my contributions so DH can spend more on SS! I want to retire as early as possible. DH actually shut his 401K off at one point because he was tight on $, but then he was just spending like crazy, buying things he didn't need. He has since turned it back on and had to cut back on spending, and I am not insensitive to him having less $ than me. I often pay for the majority of our vacations and things, and I have bought every single thing that goes in our house except we split the new furniture. We need to discuss this more. I really wish we could get on the same page. Separate finances should limit money arguments, and I'm assuming it does help, but I'm really frustrated with this current situation and the narrative he is spinning. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Look into the book "I can teach you to be rich" .  He has a Netflix show, YouTube and podcasts that have real  situations and real solutions for money.  You should not be paying more if HIS baggage dictated major purchasing decisions.  Protect yourself and your financial future.  You will never get that compounding back.