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Advice, please

TrueNorth77's picture

OK, this is an update after my blog from yesterday. Every day is a new fresh hell. 

DH came home from work full of updates. All day Crazy had sent messages on OFW saying she would be dropping SD off that night. Then he got a call from SD's counselor asking what was going on because Crazy had called the counselor's boss's boss demanding a new counselor for SD. DH explained some of what has transpired, the Counselor said she thinks we should keep the set placement- DH said absolutely not, and told her what SD has been saying and doing. The Counselor asked if DH would agree to a session with him and SD before we leave for our trip- he agreed so they have a session set for next Wed. He will pick SD up from school, and the plan was to drop her back off at Crazy's. The Counselor and DH both think this is beyond what the Counselor can fix, but the Counselor is willing to keep working with SD as long as SD doesn't request someone new. I honestly think SD may benefit from someone new, but who knows. The Counselor reiterated that SD is manipulative and is also finally seeing how PAS'd she is, so maybe she will take a new strategy. 

However, SS called DH and said that Crazy is adamant that SS is taking SD to our house with him on Monday. She has been yelling at him repeatedly that he WILL be doing that. DH doesn't want to put him in the middle, but DH told him no. We do not feel like SD should be here right now. SD told SS she doesn't want to come. Last time she threatened suicide (as manipulation, but still). SS said Crazy is sick of SD and even their relationship is now weird- SD stays in her room and they aren't besties like they always have been. Usually they sit on the couch all night together, but he said it's been a weird vibe. 

Crazy started sending messages to the Counselor on MyChart, acting like it was some legal forum and the Counselor was supposed to enforce custody, saying that DH hasn't been using his parenting time, SD WANTS to come here and has NO issues coming here, she hasn't made any suicidal statements at all and she will be coming here on Monday, and since DH didn't tell her about our trip, DH needs to find someone to care for SD during our trip. 

We honestly think that on Monday, she will lock her doors and leave and not let SD in, forcing her to come here with all of this insanity. 

What do we do? Any advice, ideas? We aren't going to just kick her out on the streets. We have cameras. But if this goes really bad, we just don't even know what our options are. I suggested HE file something with the courts, but I don't even know what that would be. For less placement? What else is there? It's not like he doesn't love or want his daughter. But she has to want to be here, we can't control this demon how she is. 


TrueNorth77's picture

There is no doubt in my mind that Crazy learned about our trip and is now doing everything in her power to ruin it and make it stressful. You are so right. She is truly that miserable and SD is joining her.

advice.only2's picture

I hope your DH let the counselor know that this is partially her fault with her craptastic advice that they allow SD14 to call the shots which started all of this.

Can your DH call CPS on Crazy and let them know the is threatening to abandon her child?

TrueNorth77's picture

The only thing is that it's our week and technically it's up to us to find care, so Idk. This is such a complete blurred-lines shit show, that I don't think that would work, although if she thinks she's dumping SD on us for a month she has another thing coming and THEN I will absolutely call them for abandonment! (Good idea). 

BethAnne's picture

negotiate with crazy???? Do you think she'd accept taking more child support and not demanding your husband take visitation? If they came to an agreement they could get it written up and get the judge to sign it to formalize the arrangement.

My only other thought is to have some alternative accomodation for next week so your sd doesn't set foot in your house. Maybe an airbnb, motel, hotel or a friend/relative??? Your husband would have to go with her....not sure it is the best solution but thought I'd mention it.  

CastleJJ's picture

If DH is technically the custodial parent/primary, he may not have a choice but to take her. My recommendation is that DH see SD in the home, with SS present, and ensure that the house is fully equipped (cameras in all common spaces, an audio bug in non-camera rooms if needed) that way any allegations can be disproven. Sending DH to a hotel or Airbnb just increases his risk of allegations with no way to disprove. I would recommend you leave for the visit, to eliminate you in any possible allegations and that no other family is included or sees SD. If SD threatens suicide, she is taken to the ER immediately and have her committed for a psych hold. If she makes those threats, DH doesn't just bring her home. He needs to bury SD's nose in her own shit and make her realize the gravity of her behavior and the fallout associated with it. No more manipulation, no more fun. She follows DH's rules or else. 

If DH is adamant about SD not visiting, DH needs to file an emergency motion with the court, giving BM primary custody. BM clearly isn't going to file and DH needs legal standing to stop this weird limbo you all are in. He needs to outline all of SD's behaviors and allegations and outline how she is a threat to his household and members of his family. He can also pin Crazy for interference. 

Felicity0224's picture

This situation is such a mess, but I think that this is probably the best way to handle it. I'll add that if it's his parenting time and BM locks her out, DH could possibly be cited for abandonment if he doesn't allow SD to come home. I don't know how likely that is, but it seems like something this BM would try to pursue.

If SD does come, I would make sure she knows that every area of the house is covered by either video or audio recording. Let her know that this is a natural consequence of accusing people of things they did not do. And yes, any threats of self harm, right to the ER or call 911.

Dollbabies's picture

this end up with her being made a ward of the State? If her dad files to assign custody to her mother, I mean? 

TrueNorth77's picture

Emergency motion is an interesting concept. We definitely would never just refuse to let SD come knowing Crazy has her doors locked. That seems excessively cruel. However, if SD does threaten suicide, unfortunately taking her somewhere doesn't meant her being committed, as we have learned, since SD backs down from her statements once at the hospital. They won't keep her unless she is an immediate threat to herself, and when she tells them "no I'm not going to hurt myself" she goes, back home. It's maddening really. 

The emergency motion puts it back on Crazy if SD prices to be unmanageable. We assume she is coming tomorrow, but as of this afternoon, SS said he didn't know. I am so over this I wishy washy BS.

Survivingstephell's picture

OR. If this works , .You need to be gone from the home when she gets dropped off.  Then DH can call the cops on BM for abandoning SD when she knew he was unavailable.   

A very common game is to alienate the skid , spoil them into being a monster then dump skid on other parent, throwing up their hands in despair, unable to fix the mess they made.  Don't let this happen to you.  

Rags's picture

No should remain the answer. You will not be the one kicking SD out. BM will. If BM locks her out, call the cops on BM.  Destroy that F'd up batshit crazy POS.

Stop playing the games with SD. Get her to a Psychiatrist, get her medicated into a drooling pile of protoplasm, and protect her from herself.  

Do not tolerate BM interfering in your vacation.  If you leave and BM locks SD out, that is on BM.  BM is the one putting SS in the middle. Keep supporting him and providing the message that BM is responsible for the well being of SD since BM is the one PASing SD into not visiting.

For damned sure wire your entire property with cameras, microphones, and engage a 24/7 monitoring system.  No key for SD or BM.  Use biometric access with thumbprint or iris scan so only SS has access.  If SS accepts being the care and feeding resource for SD if and when BM leaves her unsupervised, that is sadly on him if he buckles to his idiot mother and lying POS manipulative sister.

Not letting SD in is not kicking her out.  Get that out of your mind.  

Going forward, do not tell BM or any of the Skids shit for anything about your personal plans.  If you are not there, tghe onus is on BM to care for, protect, and supervise her minor children.  SS is close to escaping.  Once he is 18 and at University, BM's life and SD's life are going to get incredibly uncomfortable.

Keep turning up the heat on medical and court mandated treatments, meds, etc... for this kid.  She is not listening and the only thing she is learning is how to manipulate. Time  for her to feel and to have zero say or control over her life until she turns 18 at which point .... she will feel the full weight and consequences of her idiot choices. That is for damned sure.

Take care of you. You and DH take care of each other.

BethAnne's picture

I don't know that the cops are going to spend time going over a court order to prove BM negligent with sd's father standing right there. They would probably just tell him to take the kid home and sort it all out in family court. Maybe they would write up a report of the incident? I could be wrong, and if desperate maybe it is worth a try, but I wouldn't be counting on it. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Oh, I wasn't calling them about the Custody Order- I was calling them to give them a head's up about SD and how volatile she is, and the potential of us calling them if she starts becoming unhinged. Or, the chances of her making false allegations. Also just to ask for any general advice or options for us. We live in a very small town so it's never bad to have a good repor with the few officers and chances are the one I talked to would respond if it came to it. It was good, I'm glad I called and he told me he had actually pulled SS over for speeding a few weeks ago, which we did not know about. lol. 

Harry's picture

With someone with a MD after their name.  And a treatment plan made up.  Possibly put on drugs.  The Counselors need direction after it's figure out what is wrong with SD. 

'You can't deal with crazy so get a babysitter line up to take care of SD.  When you go on your trip.  Make sure babysitter has full powers for hospital. And legual thing. If crazy try's anything babysitter must call police.

You can not have a crazy person who can not control her own life /. Trying to control your life.  You know with crazy being nuts and SD must have crazy's genes. This will not end good.   There's no one day life will normal.  Stop communicating with crazy.  No one will blame you.  Can't make deals with crazy people 

Rags's picture

If I recall correctly, this Skid is 14yo.  More than old enough to be home unsupervised. If BM leaves her home alone, that is on BM.  Do not allow a drop off at your house before you depart and make sure your security company is all over it if anyone enters your home while you are on your trip.

Yesterdays's picture

Why not amp up security on your house. Cameras that text when someone is outside. Etc. 

Make it VERY clear over the court ordered app that you are gone X days and SD should NOT be dropped off and no one will be home. Maybe even change the locks. Whatever it takes. Make it known

Rags's picture

We had a system like this on our home after we went to a two home model in different States. Texts from cameras at the front, side, back, and doorbell. I could speak through each camera to whoever activated it.  I used to bug the shit out of my DW when she and our neighbor would stand in our driveway talking.


Though I will say the happy lizard who liked to make the door bell chime by rubbing their junk on the camera was annoying.  As were the wasps that liked the doorbell camera light.

I got more texts with pics of lizards, wasps, and the yard service than I can count.