New to the BM thing - Is this a d*ck move or is it just me?
I'm trying to figure out appropriate boundaries since me and exSO broke up. I don't want to be the type of BM that are continually complain about on this site so please ladies help me out.
Back when I was a SM and then SO and I moved into the house we argued over bunk beds. I'm sure you can find my rant about it in my blog somewhere. I wanted twin beds in the bottom floor of the house for guest (within reason) and he wanted bunk beds in our sons room. Apparently he shared that argument with his sisters, who are my kids best friends, and made it seem that I would have their toddlers sleep downstairs unsupervised. Oh on beds that don't actually exist yet. And since we broke up has decided that any sleepovers that these kids could have at my house is not happening. He has banned his sisters and their families from coming over and if my son want to see them he has to go to their homes. His argument is that since it didn't happen much before it shouldn't happen now, granted I was in school and didn't want sleep overs then now that I'm not in school it would be nice for my kids to have normal play dates and interactions.
I think this is asinine. Am I thinking of this wrong?
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Yes we have a son
Yes we have a son together.
exSo sisters kids are my kid's best friends.
A completely agree about the bed argument. I always thought it was dumb, even more so know since we are not together.
Your husband's sisters are
Your husband's sisters are little girls? Who play with your little son?
I would say your best way out of this is to let ex handle play dates with his side of the family on his time. You find new playmates for your kid in your own neighborhood. Problem solved.
People on here complain all
People on here complain all the time about how the BM keeps herself intertwined with the Ex's family. I think your Ex's reaction is about normal. He's asking you to stay away from his family and that's pretty reasonable if you didn't have his sister's kids over all the time before. Let him have sleepovers on his time and if there's an event like one of their bday parties falls on your weekend then offer to let the kids go.
Agree with Maxwell. If you
Agree with Maxwell.
If you are ever at an unavoidable event where you interact with the former in laws, you can find an excuse to bring up the bunk bed incident laughingly and casually mention what your purpose with the beds was. That is the best you can hope for and it will probably never happen. You don't get closure with in laws.
In any case, for your own sake gently drop the in laws from your social life and let ex handle that for your kid on his time.
Typically I would agree if
Typically I would agree if his family functioned in that way but they don't. His sisters are friends with his older son's mom and have been our entire relationship. His family, including his mom, is friends with all of his dad's ex wives. And she babysits his other children by different women, even the women's other kids just because. It would be singling me out, which is why I'm surprised by it.
Then call the sisters up
Then call the sisters up directly and clear things up woman to woman.
"I understand there's some misunderstanding about an argument I once had with your bro when we were still married and it is now affecting all our kids. I believe he thought I intended to leave sleepover kids a floor away. Guess that's why we split up, our communication was bad. (don't bash bro, speak in neutral terms) I never intended or desired to leave children unsupervised overnight. I would not do it now, either. I would love for the cousins to come to my house. If you have some other reason I would love to clear it up as well but I won't pry. Just please I hope we can at least clear this one up."
TBH, even if you ARE being
TBH, even if you ARE being singled out and treated differently by your EX's family.. why do you really care? I mean the issue isn't that you are being accused of some crime or abuse in the community right? I know it can be uncomfortable because of course we all want people to LIKE us. But, it's ok, not everyone will and I would put his sisters in that category.
If you happen to have an opportunity to set the record straight, fine, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the only way he painted you in a bad light to them, so you most likely won't be able to change their opinion of you.
As long as they treat your child respectfully and don't cause drama for you.. I would chalk this up to.. can't win em all mentality.
Until you want to actually
Until you want to actually extend an invite for these kids to stay the night with your son I would not worry about hypothetical situations.
When you extend the invite to the parents of the kids then it's up to the parents, not your Ex, if they are allowed to stay the night or not.
As far as the bunk beds... ya all even discussing or bringing it up at this point is stupid... there are no bunk beds.
I have for next weekend,
I have for next weekend, which is how the situation came up.
So the sisters told you no or
So the sisters told you no or the exes? Are you still friends with the sisters?
Unless you had an unusually
Unless you had an unusually close relationship with the sisters, let your DH manage your son's relationship with his cousins. You can have sleepovers with other kids from his play groups or school etc. Think of them as Team EX.. not Team you.
I think your ex is still
I think your ex is still feeling the break-up and is trying to control what ever he thinks he can. He had his nose out of joint when you purchased the home in your name only. Now he's had to move out, but you're planning on having his family freely over.
One good thing, your son is related to all these ex steps and cousins, so he will still be able to be "friends" and see them. Yes, even though it may have to be only on Dad's time and in the Aunt's home.
Another thing , your son perhaps need to be enrolled (if not already) in pre-school and for summer coming, maybe a couple morning a week at daycare. He needs the socialization. I don't know where he spends his day currently while you work, but if it's a individual caretaker or a pretty small home daycare setting, it might be time to branch out.
Your kiddo will met new friends and his small world will begin to expand when he has a chance to meet new additional children. I'm not sure how many three year old toddlers have sleep over with other kids beyond cousins at such a young age, however he can plan perhaps some afternoon playdates and outings. It may be good for you also. It would give you a chance to met other moms and do mom talk and socialize a bit.
Last thing. While briefly looking at your past blogs, I noticed you mentioned (perhaps it's changed now) that your ex does not have a set nor court ordered visitation/child support order for his older children (your ex stepkids). If you and ex have not already done so, YOU need to be sure that ex and you have the proper court orders for visitations and child support. I also read he was unemployed (may be reemployed again by now). Even if he's still unemployed you need to be sure the necessities are court ordered and legally documented and filed.
Was your ex's move a "dick" one? Meh, yeah, kind of. I would assume it goes deeper than which floor and bunk beds or twin beds though. The important thing is, is your son is still related to all these people and he will still see them. That, and meeting new adult friends for yourself. Eventually when you're ready to move on and date and begin a new relationship again, you have to consider that still being besties with your ex family will become awkward. While it's fine to stay civil and on casual associate terms with them as you will be running into each other doing exchanges and that type of thing. Chatting a bit when doing so, and on good terms for the child's sake. But you need to also move forward. KWIM?