I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 9. I have a SD19, SS21, SS24 and 2 BS 6 & 3 years old. Initially when we started off, the kids and I got along. The custody was 50/50. There were issues, but it is nothing that I didn't expect. The BM would make sure the kids would sit with her when we were at activities, because they didn't want her to sit alone. BM left DH because her "soul mate" was going to divorce his wife. He chose to stay with his wife and 3 kids, so she was left alone. BM would also take them out to eat all the time and I chose to make meals, another reason to stay at their mothers. My SD is overweight and has diabetes, and I felt it was better for her health to not eat junk. So overall it was fine.
Things starting getting bad when I started to notice money missing. At first you always think you didn't have the amount you thought,...Then after coming home from the bank with bank statement there, the money went missing. She gave it back and I had to punish her. There is no reason for her to steal, she gets an allowance and got everything she ever wanted. Then I would catch her going through her dad's wallet; she would quickly drop it and claim she was moving it to get something else. This has happened a lot. My husband didn't believe me. I started hiding my purse and hiding his wallet and returning it before my husband got up in the morning. Then I started going through her room because my clothes, makeup, other items would go missing and I would find them in her room. She at the time was 40 pounds heavier than me, so I am not sure why she thought she could wear my things. I started finding food under her bed. Her father made a rule about no food, but that never worked. I would find the silverware in the garbage in her room, too lazy versus not wanting to get caught with food in her room. My husband said nothing. Because I was constantly trying to find my things, and trying to keep bugs out of the house, I found alcohol. It was a bag full of beer, water bottles filled with vodka,...When I found it she was at her BM's. When I told my husband he flipped, "How am I going to tell her I found it, then she will know I was snooping, I can't tell her you were doing it"...Total projection of his anger, no punishment. This was not the first time with alcohol either.
The last thing that broke the camel's back occurred was that we needed her room cleaned up so we could have visitors. She kept it a constant mess with no spot on the floor uncovered. She was with her mother but came over to get things from her room. I told her that the room needed to be cleaned up within 3 days. It did not happen, so I took everything and pushed it under her bed and closet (I know passive aggressive). She came by and flipped out. She left and sent a note to her father saying she was moving out (she was 18 and leaving for college in a few months so not a big change). She claimed I was the reason that she and her father did not have a close relationship (BS, my husband had been asking her to have a bonding dinner, lunch with him for a while, always too busy). She claimed I took her nicely stacked clothes that were all in baskets and dumped them in her closet, that did not happen (my husband believed me). It broke my husband's heart and confirmed what he had been telling me for 5 years (use sarcastic voice) that she would move out if we didn't coddle her, give her what she wanted, go out to eat more,...I tried to explain that it was the end of her senior year, this was nothing. It came out later that one reason she liked staying with her mother was that they would drink alcohol together talking about how awful everyone is...If you were a teenager and a parent acted like your BFF and not a parent, no curfew, you can skip the morning of school when you want to sleep in, drive to school every day by lying to the school (school only allowed you to drive in if you had an after school job, her mother sent a note saying she was working for her, she didn't), why wouldn't a teen stay with that person. My husband still blames our new life with kids and a new family, that make her feel excluded and not wanted in her "own home."
She is a sophomore in college, she texts her dad rarely, and in the year and a half that she has been at school, I can count on 1 hand with fingers left over the times that she has called and spoke with her younger brothers, my BSs. When she is here, she isn't here. As most of you know with teens/young adults, they are on their phones a lot. They do not run up to her, because they don't know her and when she is her she pays attention to them for a few minutes and then is self-absorbed. My oldest SS24's girlfriend sees them maybe 2x a year and they run up to her because she is so interactive with them. It has been my husband and SS21 telling her that she needs to spend time with him for her to play 1 game with them when she comes over. My husband says that she adores them; she has a funny way of showing it.
My husband is upset that i wouldn't allow my skids to babysit. My skids have never had to be responsible for anything. My SD is unable to take care of herself, let alone my young kids. Once when my BS was 16 mo old, I let her watch him while he was napping, my appt was delayed so I knew he would wake while she was there. I sent her a text asking her to change his diaper and to give him a bottle and I would be home soon. I came home and it was a mess. She had brought her diet coke into the family room (we have a no food, drink policy in family room) and my son had knocked it over and crawled all over the hardwood floors spreading it to the entire room. She was laying on the couch texting and watching TV, no diaper change and no bottle. When I asked about the diet coke, "well he must have reached up in the kitchen and spilled it in the family room." Right, a 16 mo old!
Another time she had him outside, we have a pond and close to the street, she left him outside so she could go upstairs and change. I flipped out, explaining he could have drown, wandered into street,...she looked at me and said "well he didn't, so why are you so upset?" My husband denies that these things happened and that I over reacted.

I have stated this is another post, but I am concerned that she will take them to the BM house. One day 2 years ago, I was waiting for my husband, skids and BS to come home after lunch out. My husband had allowed the skids to take my BS "home," because my husband had to do a few errands. My son came home and told me all about the BM house and her animals. I called my husband and he said that I didn't know what I was talking about, because they told him he waited in the car while one skid ran in to grab something. When we confirmed that he had been inside. My husband didn't say anything. He was happy that BS6 was able to spend time with his siblings. My husband has told me on numerous times that he will not step foot in his ex's house, however since his siblings were just trying to spend time alone with my BS6 that we should allow it. I was livid! Last summer, I was home with my BS by myself. We had just got home from baseball and I was grabbing lunch before a birthday party. My SS21 stops by and gets a call from my SD19 and BM, he pauses and says "let me ask." He then asks me if BS6 could go with him to lunch (with his BM and my SD), even though the b-day party wasn't until later I said he wouldn't have time before the party. My husband told me that he didn't believe that that was going to happen and that he can't believe how I do not want his kids to have a relationship with or kids.

I have started putting money away for myself and the boys, not because I foresee a divorce, but the amount of money that is spent on his kids is unbelievable. Car when one graduates from college, my SD has been to Paris with the high school,...this year she is going to Italy for spring break of college . She had told me and a note on social media states that this is a present from her mother for xmas and her bday. Yesterday I was informed we had to pay for half,...WTF!!! We spent $500 on her for xmas and her birthday is in a few weeks and my husband says we are waiting on her bday list....I think a trip to Italy is enough. She is already speak of a semester abroad....This is the same guy who gets upset about a few dollars on a bill.

I have to walk on eggshells with my husband, any type of conversation with him about the skids results in him saying that I have a "tone" about his kids and since I don't care for them that I am biased in my advice. I have explained that there is no tone and that he is projecting his own frustrations, disappointment,...on me. He doesn't see it.

The skids are rarely here, in the last 4 years MSS21 has spent the night maybe 5-6x. OSS24 leaves out of state, so doesn't count. SD19 moved out and in last 2 years, may have stayed 3-4 nights. However xmas when my parents came in, SS21 spent 3 days here, SD19 2 days. I feel it was a show for my parents, although last year they only spent 1 night with us over the xmas break and my parents were in. The skids informed us on Dec 23rd that they were having dinner with us xmas eve and day, I had only bought a small amount of food for xmas eve since it was just my parents. They normally spend xmas eve dinner with their BM. My husband and I were both working on eve and planned on a simple dinner. I had to scramble to have more food for them, not one thank you. We suspected that their BM also had to work and she didn't want to deal with them. Then on last Friday, SS21 stopped by at 3pm and said he was going to stay a few days. I again was shocked, based on previous experience. He asked what was for dinner...I had a small pork loin for my husband and boys, he then says his sister was coming too. So I again am rushing around trying to make more food. My husband after the fact says, "We could have just went out, why do you have to stress about it?" "Isn't it nice that they want to come over for dinner" I want to say "no, it's rude." That would lead to a fight. And by the way, he admitted that he had to push them to come over since they hadn't seen us in awhile. SD19 went back to BM after dinner. We had discussed in the past that they are not to drop by unannounced, but he denies he every says these things.

Thanks for letting me vent,