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When To Tell...

the_stepmonster's picture

DH and I found out last week that we are expecting our first baby together! We are so excited and can't wait to raise this child together our way rather than tolerating and fixing everything BM has done to the SD's when they visit. Being that it is my first baby, needless to say I am eager to start planning the nursery, read all the baby books, and basically do nothing but talk babies. Which is probably pretty normal.

Here is the problem. We still have a while, but I am wondering how other SM's out there handled telling the skids that they were having a baby. SD9 and SD11 are already super jealous of me because I get to live with DH full time, so I can only imagine how they will feel when they find out we are expecting. I can't even blame them because I would feel the same if I was in their shoes: that daddy is off having another family that he is with all the time and that they are just part time kids.

I feel a little bad for them but I know it's not really my fault. Like I said we still have a couple of months before I start showing and we need to actually start preparing the house for the baby but I wanted to get some opinions. Thoughts?

Comments

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

I wouldn't tell until you are a few months along. And not just your skids. I usually don't tell anyone until I'm out of what I consider "the danger zone". Once you're between 4-6 months pregnant, you're more likely to actually end up with a baby. I say this because I've had several miscarriages and they were mostly early on, 6-12 weeks. I just hate telling people and then going back and telling people I lost it.

I think a few months notice is plenty of time for them to acclimate to the idea.

It's not just skids that take it hard. My own bio kids said "Why are you having a baby? What about us?" Of course now that we have her, they ignore me and shower her with attention all the time. Liver, Chopped Liver, nice to meet you. Point being they'll be nervous and they'll get over it.

RaeRae's picture

I'd wait a few months before telling them. First of all, if anything happens to a pregnancy (God forbid), it's likely to happen in the first trimester. I'd wait at least that long. As far as actually telling them, I don't have any suggestions other than 'be gentle'. Give them time to let it sink in. They will likely feel a rush of emotion. Pain, anger, confusion, jealousy, excitement, happiness and sadness.... Let it sink in with them before expecting to have more conversation about it. And let them be as involved as they can, as long as you are comfortable.

Our kids have asked us if we are going to have more children. We are leaning towards no, we have plenty. However, SD (9 at the time) said in the middle of a conversation "....and then when we take the baby to mamas...." and I stopped her mid sentence. My mother-instinct over my nonexistent baby kicked in. I let her know right then and there, nicely, that if her Dad and I were to have a baby, that this child will not go to her mom's house. That, it will be her sibling, but her mom will have nothing to do with it.

newmom01's picture

My advice is to say nothing, for me I had three miscarriges in a row! and I was really sad because I had told everybody right away I was pregnant, so it was really awfull when family, co-workes, and friends would call or see me and ask how it was going..I had to tell them what happened. So this time I was super nervous didnt tell anybody till I was about 2 1/2 months and even then it was just my mom and dad and DH.

I didnt tell ss's (7 & Dirol because,....it was really not any of thier concern to me they are kids! whether they like it or not my baby was coming! Plus they only come over every other weekend i figured once I get big enought they would know and still have plenty of time to deal with it however they wanted to.....

But I had to admit when that time finally came, BM turned into a monster! Started requiring DH to "Be there more for his kids" and not to forget who was there first, and started giving the kids the "Nobody is more important that you" speech. And good ole MIL and her "Everbody will get treated the same speech" Bull****! My kids will be treated a little harder so that they learn to respect others, do well in school, and know how to keep thier room clean and eat veggies! So yeah they will be treated diffrent...because when I tried to teach them good manners and hygiene i was told to step back "I was not thier mom"

So dont tell anybody till you are about 2 1/2 months or in your second trimester, just start taking your prenatals with folic acid, and try not to get stressed. Congratulations! YOu have your own family now!

the_stepmonster's picture

Thanks for the reply! I definitely do not intend on telling anyone IRL until we are over the high risk hump. I am starting to think that perhaps I am being too sensitive about their feelings. When the time comes, part of me just wants them to figure it out on their own, but I also don't want them to think we are hiding something from them. But like you said, they are only here EOWe so maybe I'm just overthinking it. BM is no MOTY so it will be entertaining to say the least what her reaction will be.

newmom01's picture

I find it odd that everbody wants the SM to accept stepkids ....but starts wiggling in thier chairs the moment the SM/new wife wants to have kids of her own. Who want to live life taking care of somebody elses kid and not have the right to make full decsions about health,school, and ect... but we can cook, clean, wash clothes, make pick-ups, and drop offs????

That really burns me up if you want me to do mom things then I should get my say about some things..not all because Im NOT the mom, but if Im doing all this, then I better be able to put in more than a freaking opinion!

RaeRae's picture

Hell yes you should get your say about some things. Even moreso if you are the custodial step-parent.

It's your choice whether or not to engage in the skids lives. But when someone comes to you and says 'you're not the mother' or 'you shouldn't get involved', either smile and nod, or vent to your hearts content. You married the man and accepted his kids. Therefore you have a major role in their lives. Period. Whether BM, BM's family, DH's family, or a judge likes it or not.

newbiemommy's picture

First off congrats!!! This is such an exciting time. My biggest advice just going through you situation. Its your first baby so don't feel bad acting like it. Be a first time mom and don't apologize for it! I didn't tell SD until we knew what we were having. Not sad that I waited! I told everyone else. It want hard not to tell her. Plus you don't really buy a lot of baby stuff til you know what your having so it wouldn't be too hard to keep your books out of sight around them.
Honestly I tried to include her and overcompensate for her feelings and downplay what I was going through (my first pregnancy) because it was my SO fourth. I regret it! I wish that I let myself let it be all about me. Is my SDs half sister... Its MY first baby!!!
GOOD LUCK! Keep us posted. If you ever need anything I've seen many situations going through what you are. My little one is just 4 months! Biggrin

Auteur's picture

Wait until the very last minute b/c anything you tell the SDs will go right back to the jealous BM and all hell will break lose.

You want your pregnancy to go as smoothly as possible. Do not put your self in drama central by letting skids know. If they ask why you are getting a "belly" tell them you've been putting on weight lately. . .not a lie and it will cause the BM to think that you're just getting fat so she won't cause any drama THERE!! LOL!! :evil:

OhNoYouDidNot's picture

Firstly, congratulations!!! Announce it when you feel comfortable, just know the first trimester (even up to the 4th month) is the most critical. If you opt to tell, perhaps it's best to tell only those you love and trust. When in the clear, and showing, no need to tell anyone, they'll figure it out.

For my first, we only told our families around 15 weeks. We had already prepared the SDs a couple years before, so there was no big shock (my youngest SD asked me if I would still love her if I had a baby - this one can really be sweet), however the middle SD used my pregnancy as an excuse to rebel and we've seen her 2x since (good riddens to mini-BM!).

I'm 9 weeks along with #2 bio and I've no choice but to tell YSD tomorrow when we see her. I'm ginormous!!! My #1 bio is 8 months (hehe); DH and I wanted our children close together so it was planned. My body hadn't finished re-adjusting before I got preggers again Smile hence, I'm showing like at 4 months when I'm only 2...

My only beef is that imbicile BM will freak out in a jealous rage again when she finds out from YSD, giving BM more fuel to convince the skids that Daddy is replacing them, causing more drama to turn all the attention towards herself and mini-BM (middle SD). :sick:

Take advantage of this time having the excuse of "morning sickeness" to projectile vomit on BM - just had that thought now that it's what I'm going to do! Ha!

newmom01's picture

The other thing i did not see anybody mention is how your DH may not be as excited as you are, he may be, but just prepare yourself

the_stepmonster's picture

I think he is more excited than I am if that is possible. He literally jumped up and down and got teary-eyed when I told him. This was the first time he actually planned on having a baby and it is with someone that he actually likes so I don't think I have that to worry about. Wink

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Congrats!! That's so exciting! I don't have any bio-children, so I'm not going to give advice except to say that I agree with newbie..enjoy your pregnancy! Be excited and talk baby talk! Hopefully your excitement will be contagious! Again, congrats!!

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

I would wait until the second trimester. I got pregnant a few years ago and told everyone immediately. It wasn't fun explaining to everyone including SD who was 6 at the time that I had a miscarriage. I miscarried right at 12 weeks. I will wait until 14 weeks next time around.