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SS11 is Delusional

TheOtherMom's picture

SS9 and SS11 are seeing a therapist - lots of reasons and some not related to each other.
As a result of the skids being in therapy, DH and I have to be in it too - conceptual to Family Therapy.
The thing is that lately, SS11 has been poking and prodding my nerves or maybe I have severe PMS. The therapist said that I overreact to SS11 because of the situation we are in - I haven't quite learned to accept my role as the mother of another woman's child or children and that I see SS11 as disloyal. Bigger problem is that SS11 perpetuates it because he is, in the words of the therapist, strangely manipulative for his age.
Well ... after some serious soul searching, I have concluded he is correct.
SS11's loyalty to his mother is absolutely maddening. He doesn't, nor ever wants to, see how terrible his life is when he is with BM. He fantasizes about it and blows it out of proportion - i.e. this summer he is going to see BM and they will go fishing and hunting and build a go cart. It's her father that does these things but he attaches it to his mother.
SS9 is totally the opposite. But I will save that for another blog.
So I get it. The kid idolizes his mother.
The problem with Steptalk, and I am a huge fan of this website, is that often times, BMs are SMs as well and many times, BMs don't like or love their skids as they do their own. TO EACH HIS OWN. But I hate venting something and then someone attacks you - EVEN THOUGH IT IS YOUR BLOG - because you get angry at a BM or the skid.
In my case, I will say that I am fed up with SS11s loyalty to his mother. It is not earned. It is warped. It is delusional and I feel like I am failing somewhere because he has this unreal image of a woman and I refuse to talk bad about her (around any of the skids) so how can he ever find out what she is truly made of?


Anon2009's picture

I agree with what SBS and Gia said, and I know it firsthand.

SDs are always going to love their mom. Even if she is not a good mom. For a long time, I wanted them to think of me as the better mother too (I am a CP SM too).

However, if my mom were a crappy mom, would I still love her? You bet!

Please do not give yourself a tough time over this. I think that SS knows BM is not a great mom, but he wants her to be, so he goes overboard in his praising of her.

You are not failing. Both you and SS are feeling human emotions. His idolization of BM is not meant in any way to hurt you, though as a SM, I know it can hurt. You are both trying to cope with a difficult situation that neither of you are at fault for.

You are a good person who is doing something that not a lot of other people can do- you are loving and raising another woman's children.

TheOtherMom's picture

Anon2009, this is where I disagree. If SS11 were an honest child and we weren't fighting his manipulative attitude and need to control everything and everyone (Borderline Narcissism) then I would be more inclined to agree but I can't help but think he IS meaning to HURT me.
I don't believe this child is just a child - knowing his parents - both of whom are able to read and manipulate people very well - I think this child has inherited this ability.

Anon2009's picture

In that case, all I can do is suggest continuing individual counseling for him. Perhaps you would consider getting yourself some, too?

Maria10's picture

Out of curiosity does his mother do anything to encourage and hone this narcissism? 

Ugh i bet her house is disgusting. When she manipulate for everything she want she  doesn't see the point of. Making any effort to preserve the good things.

Another interesting thing is you say your so and bm are very good at manipulating ppl.(did I read that right) so this might be an adaptation to an environment he used to be in (when his mom and dad were married)and he might be trying to express that he wants that environment again by being manipulative(the only mechanism of coping he knows). Exasperating! Maddening !

How unhealthy for you and the younger child bc if SO is same as ss11 then he will either ignore or downright encourage the behavior.

The child needs specialized care. Somone who deals with borderline narcissism exclusively.