Afraid of My Step Kids
New here first post. I have been with my husband ten years this spring. He has two kids 13 and 15. They will be 14 and 16 this summer. They are horrible and he refuses to see it. The girl (13) is sneaky and manipulative. The boy (15) was recently escorted out of school after he threw chairs and threatened to burn the school down. He has a serious temper. He is already over 6 ft tall and uses his size to intimidate and his temper can kick in out of no where. Counseling doesn't seem to have done anything. The only thing on his Christmas list was knives which I refused to buy. When they are here on the weekends my entire body is tense the whole time. My husband thinks he has full control but from where I'm standing he lost control a long time ago. If I bring my concerns up all he does is fight with me I love him but sometimes I wish I never married him. I always thought things would get better. That everyone would adjust and it would be smooth sailing. When they were little they would wait for their dad to leave the room and start jumping on the couches and sticking their toungues out at me. I figured hey grow out of it but they've only gotten worse and older. They are also really weird. When together they act more like boyfriend and girlfriend instead of brother and sister. It's creepy. Their mother is just like them. I actually lose respect for my husband when I think that he actually dated someone like that. He says he has no excuse accept she was someone he partied with when he was young. He never wanted a family with her but that happened anyway. She dropped out of high school in 10th grade and that seems to be where her maturity stopped as well. I'm dealing with an idiot mother, a father in denial, and I'm literally afraid to be in my own home. I try to stay away when they're here but he gets mad demanding I be home when they're here. Now here is the biggest issue. We have a little girl together now and I'm terrified to have them around her. I feel it inside that it is going to end badly. Part of me wants to get a court order saying they are not allowed around her. I can't get divorced then I would have no way of knowing what's going on when they're around and I can't trust him to actually watch them. How do I get him to listen to me?
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Disengage from his children.
Disengage from his children. Do nothing for them. When they are there they are 100% his responsibility make sure he takes care of them. When they are there take your child and do something fun for "mommy and me time". His kids are there to see him not you and you didn't create these monsters!
If he gets upset about you not wanting to spend time with them tell him you don't want to interrupt their "limited" time with him. I'm assuming he has EOWE and not full custody since it is pretty rare that any men here have full custody of their children.
What is your plan for when SS
What is your plan for when SS comes after you with a knife?
Document and record
Get nanny cams and record and document as much as you can. If it is hard now it wont get much easier in fact it gets harder as they age. And the violent tendencies just get worse as well.
Take yourself out of the equation with disengagement, and invest in web cams for docmenting.
Also - I totally get the whole "how the heck did you hook up with crazy dummy BM". Our BM, Toxic Troll never graduated high school and is trailer trashy, on a good day. I totally dont get it and DH just tells me "well she was kind of cute when we were 25!".
^^^THIS^^^
You need to be strategic and play the long game, gathering enough damning documentation that, in the event of a divorce, will be useful in court to win supervised visitation or visitation that excludes the skids. You'll also feel less anxious and hopeless if you have a plan and feel you're doing something, anything, that can protect your bio in future.
Make copies of the skids' school records, disciplinary hearings, acts of violence, etc. Keep a journal of their visits and any instances of misconduct/ violence towards your or your bio. Nanny/game cams can help prove you're not making stuff up ( provided your H is willing acknowledge what they reveal ) and can link to your cell phone. Handy stuff if you need to call the police. And if things get out of hand, do not hesitate to call the police! Disengage, and limit contact whenever possible.
It's sad when a partner is more commited to making excuses for their monsters than getting them the help they need. If your H pressures you to spend time with his monsters, tell him you are willing to just as soon as he gets their behavior under control. Put the ball squarely in his court.
Trashy Toxic Troll BM
Wow..I'm new here. Reading your blog helped. I'm in the same boat. My boyfriend ex is the same. And just because he lost his mom at a young age he thinks his son needs his mom. She too never finished school lives off SSI welfare and family. Having children from 5 different baby daddys and each kid coming into the world with disabilities because of her alcohol and drug use. Yea Toxic! Trashy! And really does look like a Troll! My stepson name is Mateo. He just turned 13. He loves to manipulate his dad. He triggers old memories always talking about his mom and siblings. Like he still wants them together. My boyfriend says he hates her but still never corrects or asks her for help. So I understand too how it feels when you question why you married him. I do. My daughter is 24. Bright strong intelligent and independent! I thought my life would start over when she left at 19. But we opened our doors to mateo and it's been a nightmare. Hang in there. My boyfriend dads girlfriend told me once...if you piss someone off its because you stood up for yourself! Its hard we carry our hearts on our sleeves. But on the bright side.....look at our girls! They gonna be better because we show them real love. I'm afraid of hearing about the knives..but I took the hinges off of the bedroom door and locked my 3 knives in safe place. I sleep with a bat under my bed so I'm ready for action. Just protect yourself and your daughter. Concentrate on your relationship with her and with yourself. Know you are not alone. I'm finding that out right now. And well it feels good to be around like minded strong intelligent loving women!
Wow, that sounds like a nightmare situation.
I really feel for you. The previous posters have given some great advice. Please look after yourself and your little girl and keep her away from those toxic influences as much as you can.
For what it's worth, I completely understand your feelings about losing respect for your DH for ever being with BM. I feel the same way. I will never understand why or how my DH could ever have even looked at BM let alone married her. She is the epitome of vile, both inside and out, and dumb as a rock to boot! Sometimes I wonder just what made DH have such low self worth to think that was the best he could get at the time.
So, one thing that really
So, one thing that really sicks out to me in all of this madness is that you have expressed concern. The school has obviously expressed concern. Counseling isn't helping. So, you, in a smart move- try and keep your self and your bio away from them when they are there. Your H (he doesn't get a DH)- DEMANDS that you be home.
Nope. That is a hard pass. Nope. I will not be demanded of when it comes to what I feel is the safest place for my child. This isn't bickering or even dirty rooms. This is an actual dangerous situation.
I agree with the others about nanny cams in the house, getting ahold of as many records as you can to prove their instability. Also talk to a therapist yourself. They have resources to help with situations like this. You are not alone in the nightmare you are living in.