One can only EXPECT what one ACCEPTS from people.
After reading the responses to my last post it gave me a little mental pick me up. That there is others out there that understand and have gone through it and are going through it. I can talk with my friends but no one completely gets it.
I have stuck to my plan of action of being only my husbands wife to his 16 yr old daughter. I am no longer her SM. I told her with DH present that it was my choice to welcome her into my life and I also have the choice to walk away. I did not create her nor am i obliged to continue being her mother. The only people who must are her BM and my DH. She let BM walk away all the time and has been perfectly fine with BM being gone for the better part of a year. A few emails, texts and phone calls all initiated by SD and SD is happy with that.
If I don't jump throw hops SD throws fits gets her attitude going and makes life a living hell. I have figured out after 14 years of this hell that its going to be hell either way. Either I will be miserable 'trying' to have a relationship with her or a little sad that we don't have one. I think i will be much better off in the long run.
Tonight I had the chance to see my plan in action and it possibly worked. We always have family dinners, its very important to me. So I making dinner. SD comes in kitchen scoffs at me, begins drying dishes that were washed the night before. I said you don't need to dry dry dishes. She comes out with her "how am I supposed to know" line. Stupid me took the bait. And replied well as your father made you do the dishes last night and those are them you know when they were washed. She then walked away leaving the dishes and stormed to her room. I finished making dinner, set the table for all but her. I feel that as she could not help with any part of dinner she can not partake in the eating of said dinner.
She comes up 10 minutes into dinner. I advise her no dinner was made for her as she could not be bothered to help I could not be bothered to get her any. She went off the deep end.
She is going to all CAS as I am starving her. I said "no you are doing it to yourself, make an effort and positive things will happen" "you can't expect everyone to be at your beckon call and you do nothing" She kept fighting and mouthing off. She believes that she does always her chores which are dishes daily, sweep and vaccumn once a week. This is not the case. She only does them when DH is home for the attention. After the agrument of getting out of her dream world that she is not helping out and not trying to change. She begins her new annoying thing. She begins quoting laws or something. It is like a never ending mantra. I told her to leave the room and keep out of my sight, she was free to go purchase her dinner wherever she chose but this kitchen is closed. As I was getting ready to take my youngest to her scouts meeting, SD was on her way to the kitchen. She did the dinner dishes, and went back to her room without a word. I didn't comment or anything.
I do not believe that this is the end, i know it is just another day in the life of my family. But for today I held my ground on my new way of dealing with her.
I read a quote this weekend and it keeps replaying in my head.
What one PUTS UP WITH one ENDS UP WITH - Remember: One can only EXPECT what one ACCEPTS from people.
So i am no longer putting up with it or I will always end up with what I have right now.
To everyone who lives with their SKids, here is a hug to make it through another day. Keep it in your heart that you did not create them, no one blames you for who or what they are. You are an innocent bystand.
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Yes it would be nice if she
Yes it would be nice if she was just doing something with no underlying motive. She has cycles with her undiagnosed BPD and AD and i am done with the roller coaster ride. I have rewarded and praised for her trying and doing. The same result is acheived if i do and if i don't.
it turns out that she washed the dishes after calling DH and fought with him and he told her to immediately go and wash the dishes and stop her behaviour. He says she went on about everything from the sun to the moon and back but never found out the reason she felt she didn't need to do anything. He said she was grounded if she didn't have the dishes done in the next 15 minutes. As I was out with our youngest I didn't find this out until we called at bedtime.
We have set rules to help her become a responsible adult that can deal with life. I know teenagers are not perfect they are learning. But when does she have that light bulb moment of "Ahah" and realize that she is not 10 years old anymore. We only ask for dishes to be washed at most 3 times a week and there is never many as we have the dishwasher. Sweep the kitchen and vaccumm once a week. I do those things the rest of the time. It has taken me 4 years to get to the point where I will leave it when she hasn't but it still gets under my skin having unwashed dishes and them sitting on the counter.
The rule is she is to do her chores when she gets home at 3pm.
I see a lot of people saying i am just looking for a fight. I would love to never have a fight again with her. That i am being mean or unfair. That it is unfair that i did not feed her. At face value that sounds terrible. If she doesn't want to take part in the process of this family and be an active member then why do we all need to be put out and go above what we do for any other family member to suit her.
Maybe making my post about last nights dinner was not the best example as i see everyone sees it as a horrible action that i did.
Is a better example if she can not bring her laundry up on friday morning her laundry day for the last 4 years for me to wash then it will not be done until the next friday.
Living with her and through her actions for the last 13 years can not be expressed in a short discussion. I could go on for hours with all we have been through. I know i am not perfect. But when you have been trying to teach someone again and again that rules are followed and that when you become a young adult and adult that you dont always have someone to pick up the pieces you chose not to notice or care about.
So yes i could have done the dishes yes i could have put them away yes i could have cooked for the 6 of us. But what is she learning? That it is fine to do nothing, that someone else will always do it if you chose not too. That you don't have to follow through on your agreements. That rules and obligations do not apply to you.
I am very tired of having to put on a show for the few times she actually does something. She wants a parade almost when she does a simple task. Because she took time out of her busy life to do this and we should be very gratiful for her presense. The drama she makes in attempting to do this one simple thing is what sets me off. Drying 3 dishes that were supposed to be dried and put away right afterwards the night before(her fathers rule). She huffs and puffs because I am in the kitchen supposedly in her way then has no clue where anything goes suddenly. She complains and complains that i'm there, that i could have done it, that her 6 yr old sister could have done something, that she is so busy with her homework. At this point I had not said a word. I answered her back with as it is 5pm you had time to do this without me here, this is your responsibility and you could have completed it the night before and not had the issue and don't even start with your sister.
And to answer the question, DH works nights. Yes i know things ossibly would be better/different if he was here. This has been our life for the last 13 years. It is not going to change anytime soon. He is always available by phone when needed and does 'handle' situations when I ask him to from work. As we have had this way of life for 13 years of SD 16 year life him being home probably would be worse as he has a shorter fuse them me. He can deal with her for the weekends and it gives me a break. He knows what she is and what she does. He went with us to counselling for her. He plays an active role as he can in both girls life. Sometimes he is the mediator between SD and myself sometimes it works sometimes not.
I am sorry if i came across rude or anything. I am trying to find an outlet to help me deal with being the main parent of my SD, somewhere to go to help navigate the path of a teenager with undiagnosed BPD and diagnosed attachment disorder. I hope this is the place where i can learn from others and work through feelings that i've through all of this.