Fed up of step daughter treating us like crap!
Hi,
This is my first post but I have followed alot of posts on here for a while. I'm hoping for some support/advice on what I can do in a tricky situation in out house.
I have 3 step kids. 1 SD and 2 SS. 1 SS has always been so rude to everyone in our home apart from his dad and has always been allowed to just get away with it. That situation is so frustrating but I've learnt to live with it. We barely speak, it's a hello, goodbye and that's pretty much it. I try to make conversation but get pretty much 1 word answers. The other SS doesn't see us. He's chosen to cut off his dad and the rest of us.
The relationship I'm finding most difficult is the one with my SD. We have always gotten along brilliantly. I thought she thought alot of me and my children but over the past few years and especially months her actions have proven very different.
6 months ago after a weekend away with me, my husband, my 2 children, SS and SD. My SD started to send me, her dad and my daughter awful text messages calling us, threatening to smash our windows and saying we favoured my daughter over her and just awful things for no reason. We tried to reason with her at the time but nothing. Since then she has made friends with my daughter, I've blocked her and she has had no contact with her dad other than the odd message telling him to f**k off every time he messages her. Tomorrow she has decided she is coming to our house. I am absolutely dreading it. For me there is no going back from the way she has treated us and its not the first time but its the worst. She only wants us when she wants something. This time she wants us because there's a family gathering for her grandma's 70th tomorrow and in November I'm supposed to be taking her to a music concert and also Xmas is coming up. I can see exactly what her game is but my husband can't. I'm so frustrated and upset and I just don't know what to do. I feel like these kids are wrecking our marriage.
- Strugglingstep1983's blog
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How old is she?
How old is she?
Shes 17
Shes 17
How old is she? would be
How old is she? would be pretty relevant. Minor kids it is one thing... adults? You can draw a line with adult children and have your DH deal with them outside the home.
But.. with his daughter.. he needs to work through what went on.. what caused the ruckus and what exactly did she see as favoritism? (is there any?.. honestly .. sometimes parents do that.. maybe she sees you spending more time with your bio and it hurt her?).
Her dad needs to insist on respectful behavior and let her know that if she is upset.. she has a right to her feelings.. but that she needs to address that hurt in a mature way (or age appropriate.. is she 8 or 16?)
Shes 17. There is no
Shes 17. There is no favouritism. Not from my husband to my daughter anyway. There is from my husband to his youngest son but that's another story! Absolutely nothing caused the messages we got, that's why we were so confused and why I'm so mad. My husband went into a massive depression and I've really struggled to pick him back up and now she thinks she can walk back in like nothings happened. Half the problem is is he doesn't want to deal with anything, just Bury his head in the sand.
Time to remind him that he's
Time to remind him that he's a parent and being a parent goes hand in hand with responsibilities. He needs to man up and stop kicking the ball into other's (i.e. your) court. She is his responsibility and he can't run away from that.
Maybe tell him how much of a turnoff it is to watch him hand his balls to a child...
She sounds like a teenager,
She sounds like a teenager, but there is also a lot of emotional intellegence that occurs between 14-17 so may response will vary based on her age.
How is the relationship with BM? If my children ever texted their father or SM like that they would no longer have a phone and the grounding would be strong and fierce! How old are her brothers- especially the one that is refusing to see you?
Support/Advice
Greetings and welcome to Steptalk. Glad you are here but sad to read of your challenges. Youve been in this almost a decade. And its only since 6 months ago that things fell apart with SD, but a decade of SS and his bad treatment.
Firstly - its not for you to fix. Your husband needs to fix this and address it. You can tell him your opinion, but he has failed to parent SS for a REALLY long time and those things dont get better overnight. My advice is to really super disengage from SS. SD, that is a different ball of wax.
Was she faking things this whole time and just decided the jig is up? We need more info to give good advice.
You see her as only wanting to use you and DH after abusing you, yet you mentioned the relationship was fabuous prior to last 6 months. So, something is going on there.
Again, this probably isnt for you to fix, this is her bio parents issue. You think she is upset over favortiism? Well you cannot be expected to love her like shes your bio child. You arent her parent. You did not give birth to her. When society tells everyone "you must treat and love them equally" thats bull honky. You can treat her well, but shes not your bio.
All that being said, SD and SS are being abusive. Disengage.
Parroting can provide an effective lesson.
letting her in. Tell her to "Fuck off!". Don't let her in the home. Leave her on the front step.
If she is old enough to pull this crap, she is likely in her mid teens at least. Far more than old enough to experience unpleasant consequences for her behavioral crap, and to walk back to mommy's house or otherwise figure out how to make he way back there.
One kid is rude to everyone.
One kid is rude to everyone.
The other one has cut him off.
The third one is livid at him.
How to tell me he's failed as a parent without telling me he's failed as parent...
Thank you
Thanks for all the replies. I couldn't quite keep up!
The SD is 17, the middle SS is now 15 and I haven't seen him since he was 13. His dad sees him the odd time if he offers to take him to visit his grandma but he won't contact him other than that. He always ignores his calls and messages. Again another one with no respect that only wants what him when it benefits him. The youngest SS is 13.
The BM is awful. Offers no support to my husband regarding the kids and they don't speak now after he's attempted numerous times to ask her for help. She isn't interested in the kids really. Apparently the middle boy we don't see barely leaves his room, if he doesn't want to do something he doesn't do it. SD has already been fired from 2 jobs (1 by a family member) and quit 2 colleges, mum not bothered.
I say our relationship was good until 6 months ago and it was but that's because I kept quiet. This time when she was treating my husband and daughter badly I said something and she didn't like it. It isn't the first time she's behaved like this. Around 18 months ago my husband had just come out of hospital after having 2 heart attacks. He made a stupid comment about one of her waster boyfriends and that was it. She wouldn't see him and ignored him for 2 months, until 3 weeks before her birthday! He was really poorly and she didn't care. This time I can only put it down to the fact that he asked her what her plans were now she had been sacked again and also wasn't in college! If she was mine I wouldn't have been nicely asking!! She sees that as him favouring my daughter because we don't say anything to her, that is purely because we haven't had to. She's held down a steady job since she turned 16 and is studying. If she wasn't I would be the first on her case.
Thank you for all of your comments.
Next time she is being a b*tch
Next time she is being a b*tch, tell her very calmly that you are not her parent and therefor feel no biological love for her. Then explain, that if she wants anything from you, she is going to have to work on making you like her. This is the same as every other adult in her life. I've said pretty much the same thing to each of my SSs when they were being sh*tty teenagers and it made them at least act polite to my face.
I suspect since she's been fired twice and can't stay in college that she is an entitled little madame who thinks the world owes her so my advice won't work.