BM refuses to let SS13 use his phone that DH got him

Hi,

Some background: I have been married to DH for 3 years. He has a 2 kids -- SD17 and SS13. BM has been a nightmare - I have a stalking order against her and my DH blocked her about a month ago based on the level of profanity / aggression in her texts.

She has made it very clear she does not like that my DH blocked her (multiple emails about 'this would be easier if I could text', 'your son wants to talk to you' (even though DH and SS13 rarely talked on BMs phone. DH would call SD17 to talk to SS13 or use apps on the computer)).

So DH got SS13 a phone (which we paid for and the monthly bill) so they could talk and text. This is the SOLE purpose of DH getting him the phone. If BM wants to block social media from the phone - fine. The only reason DH got the phone was so he and his son could communicate directly.

Well, kids went back to BM yesterday and BM lost her head. BM called DH (from SS13's phone) and yelled at him about how SS13 'can't have a phone. I won't let him have it. I won't let him use it'. This despite the fact that SD17 already HAD a phone by the time she was 13...So BM took away SS13's phone and said if you want to talk to him, you have to call me.

And DH is livid. Called his lawyer (he is on vacation this week). It says in their CO that each parent can have open calls, texts with the children at all reasonable times/places.

Any suggestions on what to do? Have you seen this behavior before? How do you recommend addressing or not addressing it?

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There really isn't much your

There really isn't much your DH can do. BM is allowing DH to talk to SS so long as he calls her cell phone. She is keeping up with her end of the bargain, or at least that is how the courts will look at it.

And in her home, it's her rules. She doesn't have to allow SS to use the cell phone on her time. Now, she also can't keep it since your DH owns it, but she doesn't have to allow SS to use it, either.

Yes, this is behavior that has been seen before, and she currently has the upper hand. She isn't blocking communication. She is just setting boundaries for how that communication will take place in her home. We all know it's a power play, but that doesn't mean anything in the real world.

Yep, total power play. DH can

Yep, total power play. DH can just keep communicating through apps on the computer. Court will see it as petty if DH takes it there.

Hi Gang, thanks for your

Hi Gang, thanks for your input! Such a pain that parents pull this nonsense and do these power plays through their kids.

We spent lots of money

We spent lots of money fighting this kind of crap - to no avail. Not a hill to die on. BM here was a gatekeeper like this as well. Just a way to keep control of her ex.

Got it. So let it go. And

Got it. So let it go. And not worry about her petty behavior.

There is nothing you can do

There is nothing you can do when the ex is a master manipulator, and she will set traps for DH that he will fall into (like this one). What she REALLY wants is to communicate with DH, but she makes it about her son and her own feelings about cell phones. She will likely get SS her own cell phone shortly after this dies down, but DH still won't be able to reach him on that phone, because BM will discourage it as much as possible. DH was absolutely NEVER able to speak to his son on the phone, but BM always had a really good reason why (including "he doesn't want to talk to you.") No way will she let DH control any phone use.

DH just needs to realize that his ex is hell-bent on keeping control, and not fall into her traps. Decide what to react to and what isn't worth it.

Ugh. Any suggestions on how

Ugh. Any suggestions on how not to let her be a master manipulator? Or is that just the way it is and best approach is not to feed the beast?

She will likely always be

She will likely always be able to manipulate - for BM in our situation, it's a well-honed skill she's been practicing since childhood. I don't think she honestly knows how to get her needs met in a straightforward fashion.

DH can either suck it up and unblock her, or he can speak to his son in other ways, his choice, whatever he can tolerate. She has control and she knows how to use it. Chances are good than he's not going to get to speak to his son much without going through BM.

But it's also a power play on

But it's also a power play on your DH's part. Did he discuss with BM before getting the phone that he was getting it, and what the purpose was for? If not, then he was trying to one-up BM in her own home. BM may have other reasons for not wanting SS to have a phone (maybe he is a royal PITA to BM and isn't to DH), and usurping her by not involving her in something that involves her home is a power play. It gains your DH favor with SS while making her look like the bad guy.

Think about it if it were another object that BM said your SS could have in your home that you don't want there, like a camera (so SS can take pictures of his life and share with BM) or a laptop (to communicate with BM and his friends) or a video game system (so he can play with BM when he's with you all). You all likely wouldn't be pleased if she sent something for him without discussing it with you first that you disagreed with and then were made to be the bad guys in SS's eyes.

I'm not defending BM's actions against you in other areas of life, but your DH was wrong on this one. It is possible for her to be a terrible person while also not always being wrong. And that is the case here.

I disagree with you. You are

I disagree with you. You are certainly entitled to your opinion. However this was not a power play on DH's part. He wants to talk to his kid. And it is written in the CO as such. BM does not need to act as a gate keeper to his kid.

But that's the problem - she

But that's the problem - she will say that she IS allowing contact, and DH just hates her too much to call through her phone to speak to his own son. Which makes DH look bad. He's trying to do a work-around that she will spin against him, which is that he hates her more than he loves his son. It's very effective.