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Inspired by Pantera's blog about obsession with BM

stormabruin's picture

I've found SD13's obsession with BM to be quite disturbing. Everything SD13 is about mirrors from BM. Her choices in clothing, her favorite shows, her favorite music, her fascination with tattoos & piercings, her love of angels/fairies, her favorite color, etc. Oddly, every "favorite" that BM has is SD13's "favorite" too. How many 13-year old girls have "The Cure" videos & "Duran Duran" & "Depeche Mode" music posted on their profiles? How many 13-year old girls would use the phrase, "I am fascinated by tattoos & piercings" when listing her interests on her profile. Isn't this an age where she should be discovering who she is as an individual & developing into her own person?

BM left when SD13 was 2. The years BM spent "finding herself" were incredibly traumatic for SD. When she came back, SD was 8. BM had visitation as she chose. There were many weekends she said she wanted to have them but then just not show up. This was traumatic as well. It made it difficult for SD & SS to come back to DH because they didn't know if/when they would get to see BM again. When they went back to live with BM, SD was 10. I believe SD has suffered from separation anxiety with BM. Since she went to live with her, SD hasn't had slumber parties at any of her friends homes. When she was having friends spend the night, the friends would sleep in SD's room, & SD would sleep with BM.

I feel like I understand the fear that SD feels, as well as anyone who has not experienced the things she has can understand it. It worried me, though, that she mirrors EVERYTHING after BM. They cycle BM & her mother & the other women in her family have continued isn't one I wish for any girl/woman. SD is BEAUTIFUL. She is absolutely beautiful. She is incredibly creative & has such a kind sweet heart. It hurts to see her potential...those wonderful traits that are truly her being shut down & replaced with these dark depressing ugly characteristics of BM's that she seems to force into herself. BM is lonely & dark. She's depressing & angry. The language SD13 posts on her Facebook profile...and I realize teenagers think they're mouth makes them hot shit, but it's just lewd & everything is "muthafuckin'". She's got lip piercings. I showed DH a pic the other night & he was in tears. He was hurt, because he knows that in her heart that isn't her. Her face is pierced because BM's face is pierced.

There's nothing DH can do about it. It's just hard to see a child with so much potential be so eager to be the shadow of someone so unworthy.


StepX2's picture

I can see how upsetting this would be especially with the role model SD presently has and you knowing what her potential is. I will go back and read your prior posts to catch up but doesn't body piercings and tattoos fall under 'major medical issues'. I believe your DH has some rights here when it comes to the body piercings (maybe not ear piercings? I don't know) but it seems that something as altering as this should be a decision that both parents would have to agree on. Two of my 4 bio kids wanted me to allow them to get tattoos when they were a minor and one wanted to get a navel piercing. They were all told that this was going to be something they did as an adult because by signing for a minor, you are basically making that altering decision for them and I didn't want that on me, especially if any of them would end up with an infection or other complication due to a tattoo or piercing.

Milomom's picture

I agree with StepX2 here. What does your DH's divorce/custody order say about his legal rights regarding health/medical decisions?

It sounds like your DH is a little bit of a wimp (sorry, no offense) by allowing BM to take your SD for piercings without his consent - WRONG!!! I'm not talking about minor piercings (1 earring). He sits there and gets all upset??

Why? He should take control of this situation and not allow himself to be treated like a doormat. It will only get worse. He should make her take out the piercing and tell her if she EVER wears it again, there will be consequences! Also, he should be telling BM that there will be LEGAL consequences if she continues with this crap! He MUST consent to this otherwise she CANNOT do it, bottom line!! She's probably in contempt of the court order/divorce decree - enforce it (or at the very least THREATEN to). This sounds more about CONTROL to be (BM wanting to have 100%) than anything else.

Our SDstb16 asks for the same crap (piercings, tattoos, etc..) "Daddy I just want your PERMISSION for me to get this piercing as my 16th bday present" - AAAHHH!! He says ABSOLUTELY NOT - once you're 18 & mature enough to make a decision like that, then you can do what you want (and on HER dime, not his). She'll say "Mommy says I can and that she'll take me so that it's done safely, etc... WE'LL GO TO THE SAME PLACE SHE GOES TO HAVE IT DONE". My BF says "NO WAY. Mommy knows that we have to agree on a decision like this and if we don't, then it doesn't happen - no iffs, ands or butts".

Gotta love the wonderful role model our BM is for her daughter...truly disgusting!!

stormabruin's picture

DH hasn't spoken to his kids in the last year, aside from the 10 min phone call he did receive from SD on Father's Day. The whole court process has completely FAILED in our situation. DH has pressed to enforce his rights & for some reason this judge won't help him. The last time we went the judge gave the skids the power to choose whether or not to participate in visitation. Skids have lost all respect for DH as a parent & as a person because BM has let them believe they are smarter than DH & that they hold power over him. The judge pretty well backed that up in giving them choice to shut him out. Every time we've gone to court it's come out worse than it was, so the kids just have this kind of "Fuck you Dad" attitude because they can. With no contact in the last year, nothing was mentioned to DH about the piercings. BM just had it done. With this judge, the only outcome will be more debt for us in court fees.

No offense taken. DH probably has turned into a bit of a wimp at this point. He has fought harder than any parent I know to have an opportunity to be in his kids lives, & I guess they finally broke him. You know, you touch the stove when it's hot you get burned...everytime. Eventually you learn not to touch the stove. His kids don't want to be around him. He is the parent who disciplines. BM turns "Don't cuss around women. It's rude." into "Your dad is trying to control you. He doesn't respect you as an individual".

stormabruin's picture

Actually, we're in Virginia. DH has been better about walking away from it than I have, to be honest. I know I can't, but I'm a "helper". I just want to "fix" them. Both skids have too much in them to waste on being BM's confidant & feel-better friend.

The judge is a woman. She doesn't come from a family of divorce. She has 4 perfect children who are all married & none are divorced. She has no experience with divorce or step-family issues aside from what she sees in court. With all of BM's "concerns" about DH being a big angry scary man, I took notice that every time they go to court there are 3 bailiffs standing behind DH & no one standing behind BM. Admittedly, DH is a big man. He's 6'4" & has very broad shoulders. He's never given reason for a judge to be concerned in the courtroom. He's never had an outburst or shown any kind of temper. They just immediately side with BM & take her word for everything.

The getting our minds on other things has been the most difficult thing for us. We have dogs at our house. They are our children, but they don't fill the void that his children left. We just haven't figured that part out yet.

stormabruin's picture

Honestly, I'm really not even sure what DH's rights are with his kids at this point. Court won't enforce visitation for him anymore. I know SD was in the hospital last year with lesions on her brain. She'd been there for 3 days before BM let DH know, & the call only came after the Dr told BM it could be cancer. BM was scared & had no one else there to lean on for support. DH went then to see SD. We were both going to go the following day & told SS to tell BM we'd be there after work. BM called LIVID because I was coming. DH explained that I was a part of SD's life & that I wanted to come see her. He didn't say it so nice, however. I believe his words were, "Why are you being such a fucking bitch? Stormabruin was her mother when you decided you didn't want to be. She's more of a mother to our children than you'll ever be". Needless to say, she didn't take it well & told him not to bother coming...that she would see to it that he not be allowed in to see her. I don't know if she could do that or not. We didn't go because we didn't want SD to be more upset & stressed than she already was.

I posted about the piercings here awhile back. If BM wants holes in her face, she's an adult & make that decision for herself. At 13, I thought it was cool to have my hair as big as I could get it. At 35, I'm thanking God that wasn't a permanent thing. To have holes in her face at 13-years old may not seem like a big deal for her now, but when she's 21/22 & out of college (hopefully) & looking for a job (hopefully), those holes will still be there...rings in them or not, & it could likely be a big deal.

Milomom's picture

Stormabruin, wow, that's crazy!! Our situations are EERILY similar with SDstb16 & BM here.

Same here with our BM (and SDstb16's fascination with all that BM loves to do): the piercings, tattoos, love of angels/fairies/cherubs, etc... She also loves cemeteries, does not believe in religion (or God), practices some kind of "wicca"/witchcraft, goes to Salem, Mass (& has brought SDstb16 with her unbeknownst to my BF until after the fact), dresses like a 20 yr old (cleavage hanging out with low necklaces between breasts, wears black alot) but she's 42, she is also lonely and dark - on the promiscous side (to put it mildly), yet she tries to portray herself as MOTY on the outside because no one knows she has this "dark side", she loves all the vampire movies/crap, curses on her Facebook & myspace pages like a truck driver (and allows SDstb16 & SS12 to have FB & myspace pages). She has had at least 8 different boyfriends (that we know of) in the last 5-6 years, got engaged to one after only knowing him for 2 months, which that crashed & burned after about 6-8 months, she can't keep a steady relationship with 1 person, whether male or female, has dated her best friend's exH's brothers, I could go on and on and on with all of this.

SDstb16 is unfortunately turning out to be JUST.LIKE.HER.MOTHER. I ignore all her crap to begin with (I do not give her any reaction or attention to all of this weirdness, because she'll just get more into it, whatever I don't like and BM does). She walks around saying "I don't believe in God" and "I would never go to church" (knowing full well that I attend mass most Sunday mornings).

Let's put it this way, SDstb16 told me "oh, my Mom REALLY likes the large headstone with the angel hugging the cross in the cemetery where your parents & sister are buried...and did you know that that headstone has OUR last name on it?" (meaning, the headstone has the last name of my BF, his kids & his exW on it - like "SMITH" (not the real last name)). I was like WTF??? Does ANYONE OUT THERE think it's a little STRANGE that BM has taken the skids to the CEMETERY MY PARENTS & SISTER ARE BURIED AT??? We have never taken her there & never told her where it is (I don't talk to her at all, BF has very little communication only about skids pickups/dropoffs/school & very minimal of that) - and we've only taken skids there ONCE that I can remember (a memorial service my family had for my parents & went to the cemetery to pay respects, leave flowers, etc...)

I kid you not, I would NOT be surprised if BM had/has some kind of voodoo doll of me that she tortures when she wants!! She's so weird!!!!

Totalybogus's picture

I can definitely relate. My xh's daughter came to live with us when she was 12. Her mother just put all of her things in garbage bags outside her front door mostly because she looked like her father. My xh and I were together since she was 6. I left when she was 18. We still kept in contact however, I think some things are just Hereditary. Even though her mom never visted her and still really has nothing to do with her, my XSD, for lack of a better word, is JUST LIKE HER MOTHER.

Pantera's picture

It really sucks that you have to deal with this. Its even harder when you see the child has potential but everything is clouded because of this "obsession". Has she ever been to therapy? SS10 did go, but DH didn't think he needed therapy for anything any longer.

stormabruin's picture

Skids went to court-ordered counseling to try to find out why they had issues with visitation. BM kept saying they were scared of DH. (She has this thing about speaking on behalf of her children, as though she is more capable of communicating THEIR thoughts & feelings than THEY are.) Judge ordered BM to find a counselor, get kids into it, & get DH in with them as soon as possible. DH kept hearing skids talk about counseling but had never gotten word that he could start attending. He got the name of the counselor from the courthouse & when he called, the counselor said she'd been told that DH wasn't in the picture. He assured her that indeed he was & had been ordered to attend sessions with the skids as the counselor saw fit. He went for 2 sessions & BM called before the 3rd session to let him know she'd changed counselors because this one said something BM didn't like, which means skids are starting all over. Of course, the new counselor wanted to have a few sessions with the kids before bringing DH into it. It was the same thing again & again. They'd been to 3 different counselors from the time the order was made and the followup court hearing 6 months later. None of the counselors could get enough information to determine what the issues were. Then skids were deemed old enough to decide anyway. DH had to pay for all of it & felt it was pointless if BM was going to change counselors every time they started to catch on to what she was doing.

StepX2's picture

Wow...all the mess with the counselors. That in itself SHOULD have been enough for the court to see what was going on. :jawdrop:
No doubt your DH is getting screwed and if he went back again it would be.."And how far do you want me to bend over this time?"
It sickens me to hear about the abuse of power some judges have!!