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My Vent - I have never been as disgusted / discouraged as I was yesterday

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 9:35am

I feel that I have a right to post this, as I was in the thick of it yesterday.

To borrow my take on a context from JoJo....
There are bad fathers
There are definitely bad bio moms, eh?
But .. THERE ARE ALSO BAD STEP PARENTS.
Making someone a member of Steptalk does not guarantee that they are, indeed, good stepparents whose advice should be followed blindly.

I don't want to get into the whole debate of vent versus spewing venom. Or the why it is good to debate. We all have talked that one to death - literally.

I wrote it also as another post - and this is advice for the newbies more than anyone. In my own suggestion / opinion... every time you read a blog on here, do yourself a favor. Read it from your standpoint - a step parent. Read it as if you were the spouse of the blogger. And then read it as a child, if it is a child being written about. After you have read the post 3 times... yes 3 times... then, go back and take it for what it is. A vent, An attack, A situation in need of resolution, A cry for help.

I really also don't want to get into another debate of "what this site is for". But what really discouraged me yesterday - more than anything - more than the fact that I was dealing with some sh*t on my own, and then had to take sh*t on here for really just trying to offer help, was the fact that I saw and am continuing to see today - what I consider to be a PERVERSION of what the site is about.

Steptalk is - as everyone agrees - what you want it to be / what you need it to be. It is a wonderfully different forum for everyone. We are lucky to have it.

But I can almost guarantee (without speaking with full knowledge, of course) that WHAT STEP TALK IS NOT.... is an EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR. And by bad behavior, I don't mean lashing out at a stranger online. That's not it. I will fully and freely admit, I had very hurt feelings yesterday! Oh well, I'm a big girl. Smile

The bad behavior I am talking about is BAD BEHAVIOR toward the significant others in your life because you found someone on here that's going through the same things or feels the same things, so it is all "Justified". Commiseration - yes. License to not grow - Absolutely not, in my opinion.

If this statement hits too close to home for you and you feel yourself getting truly angry with me, then I clearly suggest that before you come and attack me - again - on here, you take a look real deep within yourself and find out why that sentence bothers you so much. Because it is not aimed at anyone in particular, so if you feel it is you, that says more than I can.

I AM CERTAINLY NOT HOLIER THAN THOU. I know ALL of my faults and weaknesses and insecurities better than anyone on here. I know in great pain and detail all of my mistakes, whether it be truly a mistake, or just a source of "hurt pride". I know and can tell myself just as good as any of you some of what I am doing wrong and why.

I struggle with my own actions and the consequences of those actions, every day. So believe me, this is not coming from someone who thinks they are anything better than anyone else.

This is my own opinion. And Dawn / Admin - I truly apologize if I am writing something that causes another stupid sh*tstorm. It truly is not my intention, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Comments

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:00am

differently. That's not it at all. I personally think that when we READ someone else's post though, we look at it from more than just the angle of the "put-upon" step parent.

We are NOT victims. We are NOT helpless. We are NOT completely powerless in our situations. At least, in my opinion. As long as I have a breath in me, I have a voice, and a choice.

As far as who is a good step parent and who is not... that is completely up to each individual user / member to decide for themselves. Right or wrong. We are human. And as much as we want to kid ourselves that we shouldn't judge.... I believe it's in our nature. All of us.

What we do with that judgment after we've made it, is what makes us helpful, hurtful, unique or "holier than thou"!!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:06am

You don't understand. I got completely and utterly beat up yesterday for trying to help. And it wasn't because I didn't like what I read... I was seriously trying to offer some assistance AND later tried a different tact to put a positive spin on something. I also was called out more than once by name in a derogatory way.

So, I'm sorry, but I have EVERY RIGHT to write as much of an editorial or whatever I WANT. Because NOW I'M VENTING.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:07am

You and I are great friends, you wanna know how I know? Because we didn't agree but yet I am still very much your friend. I hope I didn't say anything to offend, or hurt you. I wouldn't do that for anything.....

I think you are also uber sensitive to alot of things right now because all that you are going through. Your emotions are on high alert. And who's wouldn't be? (((hugs)))

About your blog, you are right about alot. You were dead on with a certain member, that shall remain nameless, not to long ago. You even PM'ed me worried about her. Look how that turned out. SP's can be bad to......it's a true statement.

~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~

KeeKee's picture

Submitted by KeeKee on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:08am

I have been thinking for a while that I need to wean myself off this site...this whole vent/venom/debate etc crap has officially bored the shit out of me and I think I am now cured.

Everyones Interest's picture

Submitted by Everyones Interest on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:16am

"this whole vent/venom/debate etc crap has officially bored the shit out of me and I think I am now cured"

Although curious, it has officially bored the shit outta' me too!

Stick, you offer awesome advice. Keep up what you do.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Submitted by Wicked.Step.Monster on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:25am

EXACTLY! Agree to disagree.... it's just not that hard to do!!

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Submitted by Wicked.Step.Monster on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:23am

A lot of what you're saying I totally agree with. This site is a lot of different things to a lot of different people. I am soooooo thankful for it because it pulled me back into wanting to have a loving caring relationship with my SDs again. I was in a dark place when I found ST and coming here sure helped me refocus myself.... largely due to a phrase I read here... something to the effect of I have to Love X, Y, Z, more than I hate BM.... or maybe that's what I choose to remember. But I know that I love my Skids MORE than I hate their mom, and boy do I ever hate her; therefore I must REALLY love them!

I also think there are just good people, who are basically already happy people and they love to grab hold of the goodness, and I think there are people who are going to be miserable no matter what positives come into their life... totally my opinion only.

After the drama crap on here I wanted to walk away from here because I surely can't stand that holier-than-thou stuff. But I WANT to stay here and I WANT to keep feeling good and loving my SDs and this place helps me do that. I also WANT to be able to unload a string of choice words about BM when I need to do that too. I WANT to be able to talk about how much I love my life and I WANT to be able to talk about how bad the kids are driving crazy at any given moment. I WANT to be able to do exactly what I'm doing here, and throwing my opinion out because if for no other reason, it makes me feel better to do it. Smile

WowjustWow's picture

Submitted by WowjustWow on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:30am

I have to chime in and add to this.

I posted a blog yesterday that has remained for the most part ignored, and I would like for some of the people who were accusing you, me and some others of being "Rainbows and Butterflies" and "holier than thou" to respond and explain. Here's the link to it: http://www.steptalk.org/node/15559

Second, when did disagreeing with someone/something make a person "holier than thou"? I never saw anyone proclaim this. Someone PERCEIVED a blog this way and then everyone ran with it. We were called "mean", told we "attacked" amongst other things. When did speaking one's mind become an offense? Did the original posters not speak their minds? I am allowed to respond anyway I choose or see fit. If I disagree with someone, then that is my choice. I do not have to follow everyone else's "yes man" attitude. And of course, if I don't like something I can ignore it as well. But then it is still my choice of whether I respond or not. There are always going to be people that disagree with you, it's part of life.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Submitted by Wicked.Step.Monster on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:42am

Nothing I have come across that Stick has written has ever struck me as holier-than-thou. What I, personally, mean by holier-than-thou is someone who blatantly judges others, and says things like 'you should not' or 'I would never'. I have no use for those type of statements in my life. But that's just me. Smile

LotusFlower's picture

Submitted by LotusFlower on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 10:47am

I have said it before and I will say it a million times....its what keeps me sane...looking on the positive side of things..personally, if I allow myself to go to thew dark side I will drown in my own misery...I have done it before and I will not allow myself to do it again.....just like venting about their situations helps those who find it their method of sanity..we all have to find our own devices....why can't both be accepted?...it has been my experience here...and I have since stopped responding so much, that when I have responded with a positive outlook or solution...I am told to go to a "happy" site...LOL....or "if yur so happy why are u here?"... HUH?????...are people REALLY that small????..that's the best...it cracks me up....so I guess the allergy advice, the 17yr old driving advice, the teenage angst advice I received here wasn't warranted?...come on....so now, I zip my lip and I try not to respond to any posts that I can't realte to thru my own experiences......

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 11:04am

I honestly don't understand why if someone doesn't like the tone of someones post, he/she still chooses to keep reading and/or respond? Esp after you've maybe tried to be helpful in the past to that blogger to no avail. Take what u like from the site. Read what u deem worthy and respond helpfully and ignore the rest. Its just not worth it to keep debating this. But even w the 'venom and hate' there still are a lot of people who need our help. Esp the newbies. They came to this site looking for help much like I did nearly 2 yrs ago. And I owe it to them to give back. Sometimes that means offering advice or answering questions and sometimes it means simply saying I'm here and I understand. And sometimes it means ignoring the posts and the people u think are beyond help.

Stick I don't know what was said to u yesterday. all I know is that I hate to see another member leave bc their helpfulness was not appreciated. If u offer advice and hear the 'u don't understand' then stop trying to help those and move onto someone else who might be more receptive.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin