I'm not going to condone or condemn any behavior you've mentioned or blogged on this site. I'm just going to remind everyone that we are all human... no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some more than others. We all think imperfect thoughts at times. Some say them out loud, some don't. Mostly, I think they are merely thoughts that would probably never get acted upon. Does that make the thoughts ok? No... but again, we are human, we are not perfect. Only ONE was perfect and he died for our sins of unpure thoughts and actions and so on. No sin is worse than another. Forgive others (and yourselves) as He forgave you... then let it go!

Well yes maybe in a way you are right. But at the same time, maybe the OP of the topic about wishing someone dead was actually a relief bc she made those who were ashamed of having that thought feel a little more.... normal?? I guess thats the word I need. We all have impure thoughts. I'm sure even you do dear.

Stick, I know to which post you are referring and I have to say that fishing food out of a garbage can, forcing the child to eat it, then threatening to make the child eat the vomit if she throws up is wrong on so many levels. There has to be a more appropriate way to deal with a situation like that. I know for a fact that if you did that to an elderly person under your care you would be arrested for elder abuse and assault.

Geez people, are we seriously going to have another one of those posts bashing other posters? I'm done!

"To accept passively an unjust system is to agree with that system, therfore the oppressed become as evil as the oppressors" -Dr. Martin Luthor King Jr.-

I hope I remember that exactly right, either way the message has stuck with me since high school and I apply it to situations in my life all the time.

I like and agree with your intentions Stick, Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it, and should not be condoned. One of my favorite authors wrote that one of the worst mistakes parents today make is not correcting bad behavior because they do not want to make the child feel bad, but that's how the child learns, by feeling bad!

I think it goes without saying that nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, but what should separate us from the bad BM's we deal with is that when we make the mistake, we fess up and learn from it, and don't do it again. And how is that possible if, instead of being allowed to feel guilty or bad about it, we are all rescued and told it is all okay.

There should be no "get out of jail free cards" in parenting. We should all be held acountable for our actions, and should do our best where the children are concerned, no matter if they are step or bio. And the truth is, there are times our best is going to fall short of what the kids deserve. It might be major, or it might be minor, but it is not okay to ever write it off or make excuses.

I'm gettin off this little soap box, I do not know of the posts that were refernced, I'm just a bit emotional over our current situation with BM knowingly throwing away her last chance to get it together for SD, and having trouble forgiving myself for being in denial and allowing things to get so bad with BM before we called CPS in.

I wish you all the very best, thank you Stick, for making a very good point, something we should all keep in mind.

"It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is..."

-Colorado Girl-

Your post was excellent.... I completely understand what you are saying and I agree 100%.

I'm going to say here what I said on that other thread you mentioned, about wishing someone dead. It's my opinion that we reach a breaking point in our stress tolerance levels and everyone handles that breaking point differently. Some people direct their intolerable stress outwards towards those perceived to be causing the stress, in the form of fantasies of death or harm. And others direct it inwards, towards themselves, resulting in depression and suicide. Neither is healthy. Both are symptoms of things gone very wrong and a need for drastic change.

That being said, fear of public censure or ostracization is a very powerful motivator. Knowing that, the group does have a responsibility to condemn anti-social behaviour (such as force-feeding a child garbage). In person, this is relatively easy to do. Over an online, anonymous forum it's almost impossible. If someone posts a thought or describes a behaviour the group should condemn (i.e. illegal or unconscionable behaviour), the only recourse the group has is online, anonymous condemnation. This has no effect on the behaviour whatsoever. The only effect it will have is in preventing that poster from speaking freely in the future.

However, the above-mentioned scenario can only apply to behaviours. Not one of us has the right to approve or condemn thoughts and feelings. These arise as a result of intolerable stress levels. Could unchecked violent thoughts and feelings lead to violent behaviour? Certainly. Will social criticism of said thoughts and feelings prevent violent behaviour? Probably not. Neither will an outpouring of anonymous posts telling the poster it's wrong to feel or think the way she does.

What can work to diffuse these feelings, however, is for a few members of the group to recognize the intolerable levels of stress that person must be under to reach that point in the first place, empathize, provide emotional support, then offer strategies for reducing the stress and dealing with situation in a healthier way. And sometimes recognize that venting here can let out those negative thoughts and feelings before they are acted upon in real life. Social criticism in this case would be counterproductive, removing the opportunity to release the offensive thoughts and feelings and potentially allowing harm to occur through the resulting unchecked behaviours.

I love your posts, Stick. I love your sense of social duty. I agree with you most of the time. And you're right; there should be no "I'm a step-mother" card excusing bad behaviour. But being a step-mother is a valid reason to have bad thoughts and negative feelings, in most cases. I think this is a good place to reveal them, let the group chew them up and spit them out, then release them as validated. Only when we feel heard and supported can we make the necessary changes to prevent our bad thoughts and feelings from causing bad behaviour.

I've read things that disturb me...I've read things that just go against what I was taught about being a decent human being. I've said things I didn't mean...I've done things I didn't mean. Everyone has no matter who you are. I don't think it's right to "coddle" someone for doing something abusive. I do think it's ok to comfort someone who says things out of desperation and frustration though. I also think that in the process of comforting said individual it is important to steer them in a better direction so they don't hurt themselves or anyone else.
I don't Stick was "bashing" anyone or trying stir up trouble. When stepparents,especially stepmothers, do and say malicious things it only perpetuates the "EVIL STEPMOTHER" Myth. Are we allowed to say whatever we want on this site...ABSOLUTELY. Will it always be received with open arms...NO WAY. Do I wish my stepdaughter harm? F**k no. Do I wish my husband harm? F**k no. Do I want Bm to disappear...occasionally
I don't expect ANYONE here to agree with my thoughts on this and that shouldn't be an expectation had by anyone else who posts on this site. We're all different, we think different,act different,etc...that is what makes the world go round gals. Do I think just because we're stepmoms(dads) we should jump on board and support "questionable" behavior by other members...hell no. Should we comment when we don't agree? of course! That's the WHOLE POINT...helping others to find different ways to cope with their problems. You can't help if you aren't allowed to voice your opinion or dislike for the actions of another or words of another.

I've said it a MILLION TIMES...there's a right way and a wrong way to help. Cheap one liners that just ooze critism aren't acceptable.
Add to that difference of opinion and put some of your OWN experience in there then add some comfort and GOOD advice...gee...maybe kinda like Stick did with her post.

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

"And before anyone tells me I am holier than thou... I'M NOT. Feel free to tell me if you disagree. And also , if anyone tells me to take my rainbow and sparkles and shove it up my ass.... I will do so.

And then I'll take it out and BEAT YOU over the head with it!! It'll be sh*t and sparkles everywhere!!"

I love early morning laughter!

Stick I think you are right on with your blog. The get out of jail free card that you are referring to is used tooo much dear friend. Your blog made me sit back and think, have I ever used it? You know what, I have. I can think of a few times where I drew back from my family because afterall, I don't matter, I'm just the Step Mom.
But I think I had to in those situations or I would have clubbed them all in the head.

There should be no excuses in parenting. We all parent different ways, step parent different ways, but the bottom line and goal for everyone that is any form of a parent should be to do whats best for the kids. In every sense. Do whats best, don't talk bad about their mother in front of them, punish them when necessary, the list goes on and on. I think the problem comes in when the "guilt" father or mother won't allow the step parent to do those things for the child, hostitily breeds and next thing you know there are new members at step talk!

I get the gist of your blog though.

But you know me, ever the protector......so I have to say, the person you are referring to about making the child eat vomit, I think was misunderstood. Yes, the words were to harsh, but she had no intention of making the child eat vomit! It's like when my mom used to tell me, I'm going to slap you to Tuesday of next week. I might get smacked, but it wasn't to Tuesday! Or when my Grandma would tell me, I'm going to slap the teeth out of your head. Well, I still have all my teeth. At the time I had visions of my teeth flying across the room, now when I think about it I giggle. Harsh, yes. Abuse, no. See what I mean?

Love ya girl!

Just curious.

B/c on one of the blogs you referred to (about possibly hurting the child) every single person that posted said it was wrong. Your advice was awesome and that blogger realized it and said that she would end the relationship or get help.

So...was she not supposed to blog her thoughts? I look at that blog as very positive and influential to her.

Anyway...what is your solution? Do we post according to rules and guidelines? Do we answer posts according to rules and guidelines? Who writes the rules and guidelines?

Stick...I love your thoughtful posts/advice/outlooks. I agree with you 98% of the time. I just don't see what you propose to accomplish here? To make us think? To censor blogs that may not be P/C? To censor answers that may not be P/C?

In a perfect world, what would you like to see happen on this site?

make people think.......
I once heard my grandfather say this to my dad after my gma disowned my father (her son) for divorcing my mother. He said "I don't hate anyone b/c hate in your heart will consume you."
It sooooo very true. I think there is a Will Smith song about that very saying as well.
I dislike some of the behaviors my SDs display, and even BM sometimes, but I don't HATE anyone. I cant afford to focus that much of my barely there energy on hating someone. It takes a lot of energy to hate. I have lupus and some days dont even have the energy to get out of bed, but if I allowed myself to hate someone, or something, I would be right next to BM in the mental institution.

Ok EVERYONE....
Let's get somethings straight here.
If ANY of you were to step into my house you would see #1 an immaculate home. #2 a HAPPY home #3 a bunch of very HEALTHY, HAPPY and WELL BEHAVED kids. FIVE in total counting the "YOGURT EATING" food waster that I get EOW.
The yogurt incident:
GO-GURTS come in a TUBE. Much like a Capri Sun but in a long tube shape. Which means...
#1 - THE YOGURT ITSELF NEVER ACTUALLY TOUCHED GARBAGE BECAUSE IT WAS IN A TUBE that gets a piece snipped off with scissors or teeth. She dropped it in I took it OUT.
#2 - TELLING SD that if she threw up I'd make her eat the vomit was a FEAR TACTIC. Much like "I'll knock your teeth out" for whatever reason....
#3 - I didn't have a spoon in my hand and was ramming it down SD's throat. (as I'm sure you all pictured) I made her eat the freaking TUBE of yogurt. SHE held the tube HERSELF and had to EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING while I sat there and watched.
Now...I was NOT the one who said they wished their stepchild was dead. That's a bit harsh BUT who the EFF is anyone on this site to tell that poster that they are BAD or EVIL because they felt that way that particular day?!?!
Who is anyone to tell me that I SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOR making a brat eat the food that she voluntarily took out of my refrigerator knowing all along that she had JUST FINISHED eating 4 other things in the last 30 minutes?
All you are doing by being JUDGMENTAL is making me feel like I can't come here and say the truth because someone is going to come knocking on my door because somebody in West Bubbafuck thinks I am abusing my Skids.
I am NOT making ANY excuses for what I did, NOR do I feel it was abusive. Do you know what's abuse? Abuse is having your stepfather stick his fingers up your crotch when you are 10 years old telling you he is trying to make sure you are still a virgin!!
I think I will continue to call my ONLY girlfriend that lets me VENT w/o judging my actions seeing as how HERE no matter what, people still seem to point fingers and forget what they are here for.

I will admit I was a bit flabbergasted that some posters took what I said and thought it was a sign of abuse. I am a mother. If anyone ever abused any of my children I'd land in a jail cell but that person would never be free to walk the earth. Therefore as a mom I would never do harm to another child. No matter whose child it is.
Yes I have MANY MANY days when I can't stand the sight of SD. But there are other days when she's my first pick to sit and watch Twilight for the 70th time. (we're both HUGE Edward fans) There are times when I wish I didn't have to deal with the things I need to deal with being a SM but thats a choice I made and finding this site brought to light the simple fact that I was not alone. I thought I was alone all those years. I never imagined ANYONE knowing what I was going thru. So feeling that I was going to have to censor myself all over again took me by surprise.
I'm ok now. Everyone is certainly entitled to their opinions. See you on the blogs!

Oh no don't feel as if you brought that memory on. It's not something one ever forgets. And thanks I felt the hug!!! It makes parenting a little harder only because one is always on guard. You think that it can't happen to you or your kids but once it is something that has happened to you, well, you just know better.

My struggle is probably very similar to others on this site. BM drama, a DH with a week backbone, a CS order that makes me sick to my stomach, a SD that is WAY too much like her momma, a SS that is a sweet kid and loves me but at the end of the day will always be more loyal to his BM than to me, 2 older Bio's that are WAY too old to be living under my roof, and a younger Bio that I smother because he is still at an age where I think that after 2 tries I might be able to FINALLY get it right!!!
Always second guessing my decisions and always trying to be less driven by emotion and more by rational.
Sighs....Just another day in the life of a SM, a wife a BioMom an employee, a cook, a maid, a partner, a sister, a daughter...Did I leave anything out?!!?

StepMomJen that was too damn cute! LOL...