Advise on Involvement
In our case BMs nonsense is directed towards me. She has pulled more stunts than I can recount here and as time goes by she continues to up the ante. It is exhausting and causes arguments between myself and SO because I want him to handle it, call her out and basically defend my position.
That doesn't happen. He agrees with me however that is as far as it goes. He chooses to let each instance go and takes the position by saying it isn't worth it.
That leaves me angry and confused. If we have created a family together I feel like family protects. Doesn't allow outsiders to abuse our home. But in this instance with this person that isn't the case.
So I have decided to remove my involvement. No longer care or help work against the crazy. If skids are here great. If not oh well. No longer my fight when it comes to custody or support. The only question is how do I address the bullshit directed towards me from BM?
I just want peace in my own home. BM shows up when she feels like it, barks orders at the skids to come in and out of our house and collect whatever she feels belongs to her. She will call incessantly. She will give SO her time when it suits her but won't actually allow him anything he asks for. And it drives me insane. Mostly because it feels like I have zero control on what happens in my own home.
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What is she doing to you? I
What is she doing to you? I would advise no contact with her at all. I let my DH deal with his EX exclusively. Only in the most rare and emergency situations would I have any contact with her. And yes, let it go, what the heck do you expect him to say to her? He can't make her stop doing anything, he has no control over her.
I have no contact with BM.
I have no contact with BM. She does these things through the skids. The issue is SO doesn't handle it.
How would you like SO to
How would you like SO to handle it? Is it likely to help or will she just ramp up her negativity? There may be a reason why he feels it is better to ignore it.
What "things" are you
What "things" are you talking about the way she is pushy at pickup?
If the KIDS are doing things to you, then your DH needs to hear this ultimatum from you.
"Either you instill in the children that they will treat me with respect while they are in my care, or YOU (DH) will be 100% responsible for them and I will refuse to do anything with/for them".
I have no contact with BM.
I have no contact with BM. She does these things through the skids. The issue is SO doesn't handle it.
I was just thinking of
I was just thinking of starting a thread on this. It sounds like many people here have passive husbands when it comes to bm/sk. Basically it might just be a male thing or they are so over her they just would rather ignore her and not deal with it as a path of least resistance. Basically what i am doing-disengaging, and any harm that comes to the skids from him not taking a more proactive role it isn't on me. Mine appreciates when I help out with these types of things but basically I have my own to worry about and his passivity earlier on has contributed to a situation where PAS for one and lack of options for the one abound by his abusive x. It is sad but I'm done with it.
You DO have control over what
You DO have control over what happens in your own home. BM ordering the kids to go in and out of your home, collecting things? No more. When they leave, they leave, and they leave with what they are supposed to leave with, nothing more.
When she calls, is she calling your cell? The house phone? Or your SO's cell?
What, exactly, does she direct towards you and how?
BM should not be allowed at
BM should not be allowed at YOUR home! SO and her can meet somewhere to exchange the kids. Why is he having her come over? Communication can all be done through e-mail. I had to leave for 2 months before I got it through to DH (then SO) that BM was not to be near me or the place I live and that there was no need to talk to his ex, as text or emails work just fine. She is just trying to drive a wedge between you and SO with her presence. For your own sanity there has to be definite boundaries set and SO must back you up at all times.
Have kids packed and ready at
Have kids packed and ready at the appointed time. Keep a watch out the door and when you see her pull up, send kids and bags out the door and lock it behind them. Make sure that 100% of what came with the kids goes home. That is a big contention with households because crap always seems to go missing.
I changed my number so she
I changed my number so she doesn't have it. All communication goes through SO. My issue is how she handles herself when she gets the kids. Some days it's fine and some days it is like yesterday sending them in and out. And I don't mean for necessities. Old shoes, random old clothing. Nothing that she couldn't ask for and be given the next time. But her goal is to disrupt out household and she gets away with it.
I have asked SO to stop this. I have offered to drop the kids off so she doesn't have the opportunity to pull these stunts. He chooses to ignore it. And says that is what is best for the kids.
When does it become what is best for our house.
if it is just random old
if it is just random old shoes and clothing is it anything you are really opposed to them grabbing and taking? (as opposed to if they are taking $200 sneakers you will never see again for example). Can you just go enjoy a glass of wine in your room or in the backyard or something if you are tempted to get worked up over do/pu's? It sounds like it is junk you don't really care about and it is just them (not her)coming in to retrieve something so maybe just disengage from all of it?
How is BM putting the kids in
How is BM putting the kids in the middle of her bullshit, best for the kids? No, it is what's best for SO, so that he doesn't have to stand up to her. Tell your SO to man up or you will do it for him.
I would send everything that belongs to the kids, home with them. The next time they come over after that, make sure they pack up, and take out the door, everything they brought.
Why aren't you doing anything
Why aren't you doing anything to stop it? You are an adult. It's your home as well. There's no reason why you can't speak up. You can't really be angry at him for not standing up for/protecting you when you refuse to stand up for/ protect yourself.
Make it clear to the kids and BM that the in and out won't be tolerated. Tell the kids to have everything packed at least an hour before mom arrives. Do a final check about 15 minutes before she's due. 10-5 minutes before pick up, take everyone out front. When she gets there, send them to the car, let them know they aren't coming back in and anything left will be picked up on the next visit. Go into the house and lock the door or just drive off for a bit.
Do this each and every time and BM will get the message. Right now you and your SO are telling her that her behavior is just fine and that neither one of you have the balls to stand up to her. Take control. Change the message that you are giving her.
Anything left behind can be
Anything left behind can be retrieved next week for sure. If it is an emergency item (like a prescription or glasses), then DH can take it to BM. You need to do nothing.
For background...BM was able
For background...BM was able to do what she wanted when she wanted because SO was alone and working to support two households. When I came along it allows him more choices as there was 2 of us and my bios as well. Our schedules allowed him the opportunity he didn't have previously. Life changes as with everyone but that was the cause of all these issues.
BM made every step so difficult. Just for instance - I have caught her in our house twice. We have changed the locks three times only this last time nobody but us has a key. She has tormented me son, has had her kids spy and cause problems purposefully. Do everything in her power to put a wedge between us and our family home situation. And unfortunately she does have the upper hand as far as the kids because SO doesn't legally have 50/50 custody.
But what I do want to control is what happens in our home.
I have asked to keep her away from our home. If we drop off and pick up we control what comes and goes into our home. Can try and stop the shit that she causes. But with my SOs work schedule he cannot drop off in the mornings. He does all pickups. So we are stuck dealing with her crazy ass. Oh why can't a giant sink hole pop up directly over her.
What did you do the first
What did you do the first time you caught her in your house? What did you do when she tormented your son????
Forget your SO. You caught her in your home, so you should have put the fear God in her right then answer there. When she started messing with your kid, you should have ripped her ass to pieces.
Want all of this change? Open your mouth and start showing your ass.
OP, glad you found us. If I
OP, glad you found us. If I understood correctly you are not married to the children's dad, correct? YOU do not have to take the high road with anything.
How old are the kids?
Couple of things, your SO must ensure there is clothing and toiletries the children have access too inside your home. The only thing that needs to be brought back and forth would be medication and maybe homework IF they are in school.
There is NO need for suitcases, backpacks to be put together ----ever. I do not mean SO must run out and buy hundreds of dollars of clothing...
What the children arrive in, they return to BM's for her visitation time. Clean of course. That is IT, problem solved. SO can inform her today---no need to exchange anything other than the kids and medication IF a doc prescribed it.
Next, BM has zero business on your property. SO can walk the children outside while BM sits in her car. SO can clip them in if they are in car seats.
Tell SO you will no longer tolerate her on your property and if he doesn't like it he can do two things, arrange a neutral drop such as Police Station or Walmart that has cameras.
Two parents can effectively parent their children without,,,WITHOUT constant intrusion, interference, contact with their ex. It can be done.
The times that interaction is necessary of course are illness, educational issues and religious decisions. Sadly not all parents will make contact or drop a note in the mail during the most serious of times.
All this chaos is BM driven and if you were not in the picture, the next gal would be her target. YOU do have the right to say NOT any more. Put your foot down.
GoodLuck
^^^^^^^. I agree with this
^^^^^^^. I agree with this ^^^^^
OP- you don't have to be nice or even pretend. You need to set your own boundaries for your home. One of those is that BM is no longer allowed inside ever. If she is then he must know that you will change the locks. Therefore he wishes to reside with you, then he needs to let her know that he must tell her asap, or run the risk of him being thrown out.
I have learned in my many years on this earth, that my happiness comes first. Life is too short to let anyone put unneeded drama in your life. But that is me, and I am too old to put any mans needs or wants above my own.
Eta: written on my iPhone so please excuse the many typos.
Nothing goes back and forth
Nothing goes back and forth other than the dirty clothes the kids arrived wearing. And it all goes into a basket each time. However that isn't good enough. What I'm saying is that even though she has the basket she will look through it in the driveway and send kids back in for the most ridiculous things. Such as an old pair of shoes left her previously or one sock. I swear even their socks are labeled with her name on it. What I am saying is none of it is necessary or an emergency that cannot wait until next time they come.
She uses anything and everything to make a scene. We changed the locks, SO advised her she has no business here but she will push and push. She used to take the kids to school in the morning on our days. In the beginning I could care less. Her kids her business. But then she started pushing. She would come into our house. I stopped that. Then she would stand in our doorway and bark orders at the kids. If I dressed then she would make them change. So to keep peace I or my SO began to take them to school. Once that started she HAD to have her basket of dirty clothes in the morning. SO began dropping it off until I stopped that too. They are dirty clothes!! Unless medication needed to go back and forth no reason for it.
Now that it's summer she is back to picking the kids up at our house. No discussion and she won't give up. So we are back to her crazy ways again which causes chaos in our home. My bios are here and tired of being woken up early during their summer. They are tired of the chaos as well.
See no matter what boundaries I try to enforce she finds another way to keep coming.
Not sure what is so terrible
Not sure what is so terrible about the kids coming back in for forgotten items. However, since it bothers you, keep their stuff together & by the door. Then, make plans for pick up & head out right after the kids.
I agree with you. I am
I agree with you. I am thinking there must be more to it. Running back in to retrieve something that originated at her house doesn't seem like the worse of evils. She may just be picky about making sure all clothes are accounted for and know that the kids might forget to bring it next time.